One of my favorite thing about pro sports is the concept of the exit interview. A facet of my real life job filtering into the wonderland that is sports. In my professional experience an exit interview is the triumphant display of passive aggression and back-handed compliments (Editors note: maybe you were just a shitty employee?)
That being said, there’s no doubt that Paulrus and Bry-Bry will sit down with this rag-tag bunch of pesky misfits to outline goals, aspirations and book-club suggestions for the off season. Let’s take a moment to theorize what those conversations would entail, shall we?
D. Alfredsson - I imagine the coaching staff is probably going that 6 stages of grief type thing with Alfie right now. My guess? They’re doing some hardcore bargaining, offering up vacations and poorly built catamarans to guarantee his return. From Alfredsson’s perspective he should be dropping hints about video montages, framed jerseys and wondering aloud how much money Senatron makes? Just to fuck with em.
J. Spezza - Pretty sure the coaching staff wants him to reign in his susceptibility of being targeted by the other team. (huh wut?) Either that or taking Zack Smith to finishing school (I smell a reality series!). Pretty sure Spezza is contemplating ways to develop his social media profile. Hell bent on unleashing his Turtle-esque bro to rep the light fantastic on twitter (Suk it haterzzz, Big Spez fo’ Hawt trophee in ’13… #19gonwildd)
E. Karlsson - The big wigs want little E to develop an edge, short of a Norwegian Black Metal phase. He should at least start listening to Wesley Willis and announce he no longer respects mild-mannered Swede hockey players that have paved the way. Ulf Samulesson tapes and Big Macs for the summer (the embiggenment protocol). CAAAAAANDLE BOX!
E. Condra - Pursue groundbreaking hand transplant surgery or practice finishing odd man rushes with a 1995 Dodge Neon as his offensive partner. Actually you know what, start simple, put pucks into an open net for a while… let’s say a month?
K. Daugavins - No complaints from a hockey perspective but maybe enhance his profile abit? Fans love him but find it hard to relate to such a unpronouncable name. My suggestion: Change the name to Rod Huggins. I would watch the shit out of a hockey player named “Rooster” Rod Huggins.
N. Foligno - Practice receiving a pass and shooting… or practice dumping the puck into the offensive zone and heading off for a change. If you so much as look at a game of rec league hockey or pick-up shinny you will be fined 50 grand. The Sens coaching staff is determined to nip this out brake of dangle-itis in the bud before it spreads. On a more positive note, continue the exuberant goal celebrations, maybe incorporate an elaborate handshake or the bulk barn advertisement in some way?
J. Cowen - Walk around with a very tiny man, so tiny that passers-by remark at your size in wonderment. Use their reactions as a reminder that you indeed are a large individual capable of feats of strength including but not limited to: removing players from in front of the net and leaving opponents in the corners while the team’s trainers scurry out on the ice to provide assistance. Also please develop a slapshot hard enough to make Dan Girardi think he’s been kicked by a robot horse.
Ben Bishop - Not so much an off season training suggestion but more of a Halloween costume suggestion, decorate your lower half like a small human, then wear a trench coat so it appears you are two little people trying to sneak into a movie for the price of one. (Ed note, Halloween occurs during the actual season, but I’ll let it slide cause that is a cool costume idea)
Jakob Silfverberg - Capitalize on your new-found fame in the Ottawa region by issuing a techno remix of the famous chant that sings of your accomplishments and praises your skills. There are several YouTube examples that will guide you down the path to A-Channel Morning Show glory.
(Ed note, weren’t these supposed to be about hockey?)