James Day Preview: Ottawa Visits Texa$ with a Dollar Sign (to borrow money)



Hey there hi there HO THERE. Whew, sorry, off to a bit of a rough start here. Let me regroup…Bob Cole style:

Hockey. Tonight. The Ottawa Sens. The Texas Stars. Captain Jaden Spenzza looks to get revenge on Captain Al Silfversson. OH! BABY!

Area Goaltender Proving Doubters Wrong Despite Years of Goodness:

Put your handerson in the handerson of the manderson who stopped the puck…derson.
Craig Anderson everybody! BAMBY! BAMBY! BAMBY! I don’t care who the opponents were, the bald headed beast has turned away the last 61 shots he’s faced and that’s the kind of momentum he needs going into a game against the high octane offense of 3 goal DYNAMO Ales Hemsky. Yo, shit is quiet for your man Hemsky.
Remember when letting him dip and keeping Michalek was a disaster? Heady days. I didn’t think I’d be saying “well at least Milo is a solid 3rd liner” when re-examining that turn of events. Yeah, we’re good for 4th liners who can put up a goal total that you can count on one hand here in Ottawa, thank you very much.
“I can’t really hurr…what Ales say because I have my 4 goals pluggings my ear” – Z. Smith, person who is currently outscoring Hemsky.

Heyyyyyyy, raise your hand if you would prefer Hemsky’s contract pushing fellow right winger Mark Stone down the lineup ‘til 2017? Me. Neither. Bullet dodged.

Gathered crowd in unison: “JAMES STOP HATING, STOP HATING…*sniffle* he’s already deaaaaaaad!”

(Exclusive Video: Me, hating)

BACK OFF, I still need to bring up when Alex Chiasson was a huge disappoint to us all last season and ended said season tied with Hemsky’s 11 goals. Imagine he made 4 million instead of  900K?  Or you can picture David Legwand but making an extra million bucks and signed for longer. Did we lose that Spezza trade? I don’t know, I guess but less we forget that Spezza put up fewer points than Turris last year…and currently does this year as well.  Don’t even get me started on how overlooked it is that Dallas somehow failed to make the playoffs. Must be nice playing in Texas where no one gives a shit about the quality of the team until further notice. Like Milli Vanilli said, “Blame it on the not having Patrick Sharp despite having the Art Ross winner last year” <– relatable problem.
I know, I know that was last year, this is this year and now they’re kicking everyone’s ass. *Slowest clap in human history*

EXTREE EXTREE Stacked Team Does Well.

The most heartwarming story since “LA Kings Overcome Adversity of Winning Cups and Find Way to Be Good Again”.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, fuck this stupid team. #Analysis

 *Looks up at heading* Whoa this started off being about Anderson? K. Tonight he will square of against Antti Niemi. Yes, the goaltender so good he wasn’t resigned by the team he just won the Cup with. Yeah, and if that’s not enough, SAN JOSE thought they were too good for him despite his getting a Vezina nod while playing for them. Round of applause for the Goalie Game Rodney Dangerfield. With only 4 regulation losses on the season, Niemi has been in net for 3 of them. That’s the start of the exact combination of Dallas playing down to the Sens and Ottawa being at their best that’s going to be needed for this thing to work.


Speaking of the Sens being at their best…

Please welcome back Colin Greening to the familiar confines of the healthy scratch ranks. We’re all still reeling trying to figure out what Matt Puempel did to deserve this demotion other than put up 1 goal in 17 games despite getting numerous chances to prove himself? I mean, Colin Greening got 26 games before being sent down to the AHL! *Rimshot*

If Prince and/or Puempel were making a strong case for themselves I’d be hot over this but in truth I can’t say that either player have done so. Maybe a bit more time in the AHL, where he recently scored 30 goals, can get Puemps going again.
In the meantime, hey,  Greening gets one game during this call up? I don’t know, I’d almost be curious to see if he was hungry enough to bite someone’s arm off to keep from riding the buses. If not. Well, business as usual. He goes back down to Binghamton until 2017 AKA Clarke Macarthur’s glorious return to the line up (Get well soon my sweet, sweet prince).

Do I have anything to say about the actual game? Hmmm.

With the majority of the high end players playing quite Zestily™ right now there’s not much to say in regards to them (thx 4 reading). Well, actually I should bring up Lindy Ruff’s pre-game comments where he said that you could swap Karlsson’s and John Klingberg’s jerseys and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them. *Needle skips off record, Internet goes DEAD silent, glass breaks in background* 
King Karl, you really gunna let this guy talk about you like that? You have two fucking Norris Trophies, my pal. You’re the current leader for a 3rd despite having to play with Mark Borowiecki when Marc Methot’s out of the line up. So some punk comes along and gets to make break out passes to Jamie Benn and failing that Tyler Seguin and failing that Patrick Sharp and failing that Jason Spezza? Go rip Antti Niemi’s still beating heart out of his chest protector. Klingberg wasn’t playing on a power play with CHRIS NEIL at the beginning of a Norris winning season. Fuck outta here. Go roof these guys in their own barn.

Wow, I just blacked out.

Since no one askesd, here are some of the lesser skaters I’d love to see have a good game:

Alex Chiasson – Boyo, you’re getting steady time on a good line. Quite literally could not pick a more perfect game for you to have a big night against the team who gave up on you…you know, so this team doesn’t give up on you.

Milan Michalek – You go out there and show em who the REAL overpaid bottom 6 Czech National with top 6 pedigree is!

Shane Prince – B, despite my tough talk earlier, don’t think I’m rootin’ against ya! I don’t ACTUALLY want to see Colin Greening get a chance. Now, go out there are HAVE SOME FUN! score a goal look like a much, much better option than Colin Greening.

Cowen-Ceci Pairing – Self-explanatory



James Day Preview: Ottawa Vs. I’m So Glad I Don’t Cheer for a Team Called The Predators (Yuck!)

Forgive me, I'm....working some stuff out today.

Forgive me, I’m….working some stuff out today.

Sens Gotta Get the Bats Goin’

What better time to see the Hoffman – Turris – Stone re-united than following a game where the team tried to rely on a cushion of 2 goals to 1 for most of a game against a team they just cannot beat in the Carolina (not the exact name of place where team is based) Hurricanes (Do they get hurricanes in the Carolinas often? I can’t be bothered to research that, WHO HAS TIME?…also why would you name your sports team after something that could potentially destroy the homes of or take the lives of its fans? Wow, this is truly the most I’ve ever sat and thought about this team and they won a Cup – I think, I cant be bothered to confirm. WHO HAS TIME?) WOW, what was I talking about? OH, right, skoaring golez!

Remember back in the goode olde days of less than a month ago when there were complaints of the Sens forward corps being too “Top Heavy” with that 68-7-61 first line? Man, it was such a pain in the ass seeing those guys putting up multi-point games night in and night out. Glad we got a break from that. Today it’s time to put the work boots on and deal with it again.

Bobby Ryan has gradually emerged in hot from his LEGENDARY struggle of a handful of games at the beginning of the year and has settled ‘er down with 7 points in his last 7 games (HALF THE GAMES SO FAR BTW). His middle man Mika Zibanejad could be better but I suppose I’d rather a guy putting up points (2 in his last 2 games, 10 overall) while finding his game than doing sweet, succulent fuck all during that process. Shane Prince is expected to start the game on the line with 6 and 93. Though blessed is the prospect who does not look out of place doing spot duty on both the first and second line, I’m sure I’m not the only fan hoping the Prince of Tides gets a goal tonight. Not to be too tough on a guy who only has a total 12 NHL games to his career so far but a player like Prince has always been a scorer and even though he’s looked great so far you’d hate to see his play deteriorate because he’s feeling snake bitten. Remember Shane, just go out there and have FUN hahahahahaa…ha seriously score a goal tonight or I will eat your pet turtle.

With Zack Smith looking like the odd man of the lineup tonight, a Puempel – Lazar – Neil fourth line is something I can get behind.  While I am not necessarily against rookies being patiently integrated into an NHL roster (AKA EARNIN’ IT AND EVERYTHINK LIKE THAT (Thumbs Up) I really feel for Puempel having to play with Smith and Neil. I thought it was particularly rough to watch them in the game against Winnipeg. Smith and Neil are true fourth line players and Puempel seems destined for a higher slot in the line up eventually.Whatever gotta start somwhere but man it’s gotta be tough for him to any make noise paired with those two. Smith and Neil work hard as hell out there but goddamn neither of them can hang on to the puck for a New York minute. This really hurts a pure sniper like Puempel to be saddled with two guys who have next to no chance of setting him up to do what he’s best at, score goals. It was actually the more versatile Prince, a player with experience as a centre, who could make that line work for him by setting up his linemates, which he did a couple of times.
Long story short, I think Puempel will get a better look with Lazar while Neil waits in the car. Great to see the potential for some fire power on the 4th line because the Sens gotta get the bats goin’ because our defense fucking sucks.

Do I Have to Talk About Defence? GREAT!

Notes from practice: Jared Cowen has strangled to death and eaten a baby dolphin. He has been named Assistant Captain as a result. Turris will be stripped of his letter as the coaching staff sites “inability to set and example and demonstrate Baby Dolphin Murder and Eatfullness to the younger players.” FAIR IS FAIR!
But you know what? You have to respect the kind of power that Jared Cowen wields. Not even a rookie making an impact in a rare shot at playing can unseat him.
Also, whatever pictures of Dave Cameron Borowiecki possesses must be scandalous as HELL. I know we’re all ragging on these guys but goddamn what do either of these dudes have to do to get benched for ONE game? They have been just awful. Tonight they get yet another chance to turn it around.

Look, for all you Nerdlingers out there, despite the offensive boost he provided (#blessed)  Wideman didn’t exactly have strongest game possession-wise against one of the shittiest teams in the league :

Take it from KING of the Nerds

Take it from KING of the Nerds

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! If he was bad in that respect I think we’re all ready for at least a different KIND OF BAD. Goal scoring and defensively bad? I will take that over “When he makes one solid play it seems like a big deal” bad. We fans are “United in being ready for a new type of bad™” *Timpani, Danger Flutes*   

Silverish linings: The return of Cody Ceci to the lineup means the end of our municipal daymare of Mark Borowiecki as a top 4 defender…and the return of him as bottom pairing defender…playing on his wrong side. LETS MOVE ON.

Do Unto Andy
Greg Anderton starts in net tonight. He’s been his excellent self this season and is looking to string together his 3rd straight win. Andy has had a sub 2.00GAA in those last two starts against the habs and the jorts and was first star of both of those games. You can’t expect your goalie to carry you to that degree every night. Tonight would be a great time to start helpin’ a baldie out. Putting some points on the board against the defensively excellent (read: boring AF) Predators (again, eww) is absolutely crucial to taking this road game.

Notes on Nashville
I don’t know they are a stupid boring team that I don’t care about and I don’t feel like writing about so I won’t because this ain’t my real job, lady.

Thx 4 reading enjoy the game


Your Father and I Would Like to Speak to You About Francis Perron

Salut, mes hateurz!

Salut, mes hateurz!

Now listen, this may not occur to you but your dad and I work very hard to put food on your back and clothes on the table. So if you want any of this delicious homemade hotdog stuffed crust pizza that your dear Nona gave me the family recipe for on her deathlay-z-boy, you’re going to sit there and hear what we have to tell you about your baby cousin Francis:

[Spotlight, please]
Hi, the other day I found myself checkin in on some of YOUR Ottawa Senators prospects for no reason other than having an extremely healthy relationship to the sport of hockey. Admittedly, I was sniffing around the cyberweb to see how the 3rd round pick who caught the attention of our very own Lunch Peristy at the rookie tournament, Gabriel Gagne was faring so far this season in the QMJHL.

To my surprise there was absolutely no statistical information for Gab Gagne for the 2015-16 season on both of the websites I looked on (IM NOT MADE OF wEb.SiTeS). Maybe he’s hurt, maybe he’s taken his talents to the Kontinental Hokki Leeg where due to a recent financial downturn for the major Russian crime syndicates, statistics and other record keeping (such as paystubs) have been postponed for the foreseeable future.

I don’t know. Frankly, I’m just a guy on the Internet™. If the prospect nerds don’t know what’s up I sure as hell aint going to find out *Thunderous applause, some heroes DO wear capes (me)*

My journey into the choppy waters of the weird world of dudes at computers talking about what teenage boy is going to dominate the other boys and grow into the body of a big strong man one fine day (See what I’m sayin: Imagine what a report for an OHL scout reads like? NSFW) was not without some interesting news. Since I was looking at a QMJHL player’s profile [with no stats], posted on the side of the screen was the Quebec League scoring race. Who should I see at the top of the table [AT THE TIME OF THIS WRITING PLEASE HOLD BACK ANY APPLICABLE ACTUALLYS, thank you] but one Francis Aloysius Perron of YOUR Rouyn-Noranda (???) Huskiiiies. I was blown away by the stats that were posted as I thought he was a defenseman…as I thought he was fellow 2014 3rd round pick, Miles Gendron:

Hi, I'm singer songwriter Miles Gendron and I like to keep it super duper casual.

Hi, I’m singer songwriter Miles Gendron and I like to keep it super duper casual.

What can I say, Fran P is just Miles G with way, WAY weirder hair…

(attends une minute avec le blowdryer, Franco-stein’s monster)

OH…and the eyes of a hatchet murderer.

(It places the biscuit into the basket…it places the biscuit into the basket)

Wow, weird tangent…sorry

K, turns out Perron is a left winger but don’t get it Twiztid, that doesn’t make the numbers he’s posting any less impressive. Perron has put up 15 goals and 19 assists for 34 total points in …wait for it *timpani* 16 games. Yeah, G is currently operating at an over two point per game pace, not to mention just shy of sitting at a goal per game. He was also named the league’s first star last week (which is nice).
NOW, let’s be clear, the Q is a league notorious for an offense first, Patrick Roy’s dollar store Justin Timberlake of a son was a starting goaltender because his dad was a good goalie reputation. Seriously, name me a star NHL defenseman who cut his teeth in the Quebec league? *Gets bored of thinking* …………………………

Uhh, let’s hope Thomas Chabot is the first of his kind (yipes!)…LETS MOVE ON…

In the spirit of keeping it 100 for you, dear reader, I urge caution as when one examines the top 5 in the QMJHL scoring race [AT THE TIME OF THIS WRITING] the other four skaters, a bunch of French dudes I’ve never heard of, are sitting respectively at 33, 32, 31 and 30 points. So I would hazard that 4 other teams are probably thinking they have their own Francis Perron on the creep. After all, this is the same league that brought you a 98 points in 57 games rookie season from 1st round pick and current Italian ELITE league gawdbody Angelo Esposito (BTW Espo gunna put Cortina SG on his back this year and take his paesans all the way to Lord Boyardee’s Cup).

That said, it’s one thing to do well in an offense-first junior league but another to lead an offense first junior league in production overall. You gotta respect that people put up mad points in this league and for the time being he’s putting up the most.

As a seventh round pick, 190th overall, this guy has all the making of a classic Bryan Murray late round SLEEEPAH. But unlike other recent late round gems, Mark Stone (lack of skatefullness), Mike Hoffman (overagedness) and *sigh* I guess Brian Elliot (Swaggarlessness?) it’s a bit tougher to find a ton of info as to why Franny P was left on the board with only 20 selections remaining in the entire draft. All I can come up with “he doesn’t weigh much.” K.

Again, maybe a guy who went all the way to halfway down the 7th round of the draft wasn’t the most heavily scouted player to begin with but like Stone and Hoffman before him, putting up the numbers he’s putting up, I invite you to join me in keeping an eye on him this season. After all, it was after being drafted that Mark Stone dominated the WHL and became Canada’s Sweetheart at the World Juniors. Ditto Mike Hoffman winning the Antoine Vermette Memorial Trophy for QMJHL MVP as well as Q League Sportsman of the Year (also called the Antoine Vermette Memorial Trophy). I suppose Quebec league players are the easiest to doubt due to the leagues one dimensional reputation but that’s not fair considering the Q has produced a ton of quality NHL players forwards including our very own Michael Hoffman.
After making quite a strong showing at development camp as well as the rookie tournament, as a SEVENTH round pick, Perron’s development is like playing with free money. Think of him as a regular Emil Sanden but with actual goal scoring stuff going on. A 19 year old in his final Junior season, if  he can best his already impressive 76 points in 54 games from last year, he should at the very least be an intriguing addition to the Binghamton Senators forward corps going into 2016-17 season.

Bonne chance, Francis!

James Day Preview: The Ottawa Senators host Los Diablos del Nueva Yersey


3-2-1 Contact

Hi there. How are you feeling about YOUR Oddawa Sennerders? I have to say, personally, they’re about where I pegged them to be at 3-2-1. So far they’ve…

Won some winnable games: Heyyy turns out the Toronto Vape O’ Leafs are not that good!

Lost some v. losable games: Sorry but slow start or not a rested Penguins team desperate for their first win of the season playing Ottawa coming off a cozy victory on a road trip back to back has Sens loss written all over it.

Such and such: Outplaying a good team like Nashville at home, only ever leading for 5 minutes in the 2nd period, going down [again], then heroically tying the game late in the 3rd to ultimately lose in the shootout…basically sounds like 70% of the Sens games I’ve attended at the Tires.com arena.

Though the performances themselves have been all over the place so far in this Yung C-son, the Sens have shown the ability to win some of the games that were theirs to win. This is good. Sure blah dee dee blah parity and blah dee blah anything can happen but damn girl, 4 days off and a home game against Los Diablos del Nueva Yersey? You gotta hack that bone. Let’s have a brief look at the cavalcade of stars that will be rolling into Ottawa 2nite!

Press play on this before reading this next bit:

Jordin Tootoo (1pt, already been fined this season)

Mike Cammelleri (Congrats being a first line player on this team despite your washed AF status. Remember when this guy getting traded qualified as shocking news? What a world.)

Lee Stempniak (8th NHL team is a charm for this 32 year old who I definitely knew was still playing in North America! Heyyyyyy also a top 6 player here!)

Adam Larsson – Lottery pick well spent!

Kyle Palmieri – ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tuomo Ruutu – Injured!

Corey Schneider – Is he good? I can’t care!

Aaaaand the rest…A guy named Schlemko, a guy named Severson…both sound made up to me. No time to research, the game needs me. Let’s get to our major story lines:

Does Andrew Hammond play for this team still?
It’s a question I would have asked in a much less joking, more honest way in 2014. Seriously, I never thought I’d be rubbing my hands together like Birdman wondering “When’s ole hickory Hammond going to get a chance to start?” But it’s 2015 and 7 games into the season here we are.
After coming in Icy Hot™ with a groin strain suffered in training camp, the Hamburglar’s bathing suit area is all loosened up and he’s ready to follow up on a brief 26 game call up that went largely unnoticed last season.
Just a regular backup getting a regular first start of the year. No pressure little buddy! Just go out there and have some fun! Hahahahahaha…heh-heh…hmmm heh heh *sigh* [Seriously don’t fuck this up].

What? One of our best forwards AND best defenders have already suffered concussions? But it’s not even my birthday!
K, I feel like any fan when the team is missing some key players and looks like it needs a little boost from someone Young n’ Hungry™ n’ lookin to make an impression with the big club™. But now that we live in a Post #FreePrince and #FreeWideman paradigm, I think it’s starting to show that we’ve been a bit spoiled by instant impact debuts of the past like those of Mark Stone or Cody Ceci. Wideman and Prince have looked totally fine so far but have also shown that most call ups are going to be eased into an extended stay in the NHL instead of being expected to come in and lead. Which is smart. I mean, hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not opposed to someone wrecking shop right away. Shane Prince if you want to come thru tonight and knock out a hattrick in the first period be my guest (I saw him do it with the 67s!). But Prince playing with Smith and Neil and Wideman being paired with Cowen t’aint the problem here.
What the Senators need to take it up a notch or two is for several players that we already know are good to start looking like themselves. Talking about Bobby Ryan, Mika Zibanejad, Milan Michalek and Patrick Wiercioch here people (I’m positive I’m the first person to bring this up). You know, the guys who’ve earned millions of space bux from proving they are good at the hockeys. Again, not even asking [is it asking or aksing?] for them to be their absolute best like Turris, Hoffman and Stone have been so far. No, I’m just asking for them to look like themselves. That’s how super #Chi11 I am.

Zero-Chill Korner: Ima get a little controversial considering he’s over a point per game right now but am I the only one who thinks aside from that Columbus game we’ve not yet seen close to the Erik Karlsson we’ve grown to know and love and name unpopular blogs after? Not saying he’s been bad or even mediocre…no, just waiting for him put on that extra “we are witnessing one of the best players of his generation” sauce. Yes, I know he’s had a 4 point game. Yes, I am aware I’m an asshole. Let’s move on…
So, what I’m saying here is with MacArthur and Methot out and the team with a DEEC but not sterling record, it’s not up Prince and Wideman to just slide in and be top six or top 4 players, it’s up to the guys who basically already are that to you know…BE that. So I propose THIS powerful hashtag that is bound to influence Dave Cameron’s decisions:


Join the movement!

Ahh, it’s working already! Borowiecki will stay paired with Karlsson.
Update: Turns out crackpipe will be paired with my lips until Methot returns.

Gentle Advice for Borowiecki: Just fuckiiiiiiiiiiiiin hold it down, skate as fast as you caaaaan and pass to Karlsson and kill anyone who goes near Karlsson. Get well Marc Methot we want you to get weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell but also don’t ruuuuushhh back from your heaaaad injuryyyyy.

The Importance of Hearing Both Sides   

Ahem, (spotlight please):

Tonight marks Chris Neil’s 900th career game, each of them performed in front of a live studio audience in an Ottawa Senators uniform. We’ve seen Neil morph over the past few years from Fan Favourite to a Fan Favourite / Maybe Most Divisive Player on Entire Team (I’ve admittedly been part of that!). But for a moment I invite you to join me and put whatever bad feelings you may have for him aside and recognize that tonight’s milestone is quite the accomplishment.

A complete afterthought at the 1998 draft, taken in the 6th round at 161st overall, Neil made the Sens by turning heads at training camp in 2001 despite that his highest pro point total up to then was 36 in the IHL. Even if you are not a fan of his hard hitting, face punching, roof raising style consider the amount of high end prospects, 1st round picks, basically more talented players who had a better shot who have exited the NHL in a fraction of the time that Neil has managed to stay employed.

He’s an enforcer, sure, there’s no denying that but if I credit Neiler (nickname I just came up with) with one thing is that he is precursor to what will become Toughguy 2.0 in the Hover Hockey League of the fantastic year 25, 000, 000. Neil has been a guy who’s built his identity as someone who will drop the gloves but he has always been able to take a shift as well. He even put up 16 goals and 33 points in his best season. Pretty damn solid numbers for a fourth line goon. Long gone are the mostly healthy scratched, 1 lucky point a year Matt Kassian enforcers of the world. Chris Neil still has a job at 36 and don’t rule out one more short deal either whether in Ottawa or elsewhere. Coming into camp 12 pounds lighter with zero PIMs so far the man’s certainly gunning for it.
Toughness will always exist in hockey and if taking punches as well as shifts is the new wave, I like to think Neil was a bit ahead of his time in this respect.

Even though it has admittedly felt that it’s been time to pass the torch in Ottawa for a while now; and we’ve been a little bit thirsty to move on from some of our older legacy players…..named Christopher, congratulations to a guy who was never supposed to make it on his 900th game. He went from Flesherton, Ontario (?) to seeing his bulldog face on banners, wearing a letter and has been a community ambassador to the city of Ottawa. Not to mention being a h_ck of a pitchman for express motor oil changes as well as a host of other automotive services as well. Hats off to a guy who’s been around for more than half of the Senators modern history. That’s a lot of our Sens memories. Here a few of my favorite Chris Neil moments:

Ugly, grimy OT playoff goal against  handsome, sparkly goaltender:

Stoner takes a huge hit (I am so, so sorry)

Hands of…Neil:

I couldn’t find that awesome break away goal from 2005 where he hung onto the crossbar after so you’ll have to settle for this:

4 Things I’m Hmmmm Not So Much Looking Forward To This Season

Service. Selection. VALUE.

Service. Selection. VALUE. Fucking guy has gotten a million dollar raise every year. Who is this guy’s agent, Chris Phillips?

Wait For It…Wait For It…….*closes eyes, bites lip* Jared “JC” Cowen:
For all the “Murray loves his big boys afja;lskdjf ;fdsjbf;lksg kjhsfdgl s” endless trope, the fact I can’t ignore is that Murray just will not (cannot?) trade him and keeps going back to saying that Cowen’s been injured/recovering from injury for years and is finally healthy and will show his true ability this season. As you know, you gotta hear both sides and though he is far from my favorite player, I have to admit, Cowen’s injury troubles have coincided almost perfectly with the exaaaaaaaaact moment since we all started hating him.
It’s also undeniable that the injuries he’s suffered have been pretty significant. It’s at least feasible that he might have been well enough to play last year but only enough to perform as a shadow of the potential guy we say a couple years ago.
Before he even made it to the NHL, Cowen had reconstructive knee surgery and followed it with a quiet World Junior tournament and many people, including myself, were super low on him. Over time he got back to normal and came out the gate pretty strong as a rookie in Ottawa.
I remember the word out of Binghamton right before the hip labarum thing was that he was mercilessly pancaking everyone in sight. That he was looking quick, solid and strong; on the fast track to take the next step in his development. Then we fast forward through the awful hip thing and then this hernia thing. I can’t deny his mobility went from a non issue to a major one following those injuries. He’s come back from a major set back in the past. He is still quite young and could potentially do it again.
So, on one hand I’m thinking, it’s at least arguable that he’s not as bad as he’s been but on the OTHER I’m like, “Son gets injured…severely…a lot.” Alllllso, that season with all the potential spoken of earlier is getting pretty far in the rear view.
I’m not the first to say this but this is the last chance for JC to show and prove. But here’s the rub –Oh I’m sorry, you thought the rub already happened…nah Boo Boo, peep rub game: Even if Jared Cowen does bounce back, which again, I’m not ruling out, I think he’s going to top out as a 3rd pairing guy.
*Movie trailer voice* From the teaaaaaaam that brought you Eric Gryyyyba…comes….
                              Eric Gryba 2: Return of the More Expensive Gryba.
Where I’m at: I hope Cowen is at best a slightly better version of Gryba. It is very hard to  imagine him surpassing Wiercioch who outperformed him by a country mile last year in about as many games. That and Patty had a breakout performance in the playoffs instead of you know, being scratched the entire playoffs. So by this thinking, this bus stops at 3rd pairing on the left side.
So spoiler here: Even best case scenario we’re never going to be happy with him as he will always seems like a disappointment because of his pedigree and price tag. Oh, speaking of which and I don’t know about the last chance stuff I mentioned earlier. Believe the trade rumor chatter about him if you want (no one does) but this guy’s been pretty awful for a minute and stands to make 4,500,000 human dollars NEXT year. Yep, more than now ($3.7M). Another raise of nearly one million in as many years. He will make 400K less than Marc Methot next season. He aint going nowhere except maybe Binghamton. The only trade I could even entertain happening is one for a different kind of Cowen. Like Greenzo, he just makes too much for too long to trade him. We’re stuck with this guy. I guess we live in a world where Columbus managed to move Nathan Horton but in the mean time y’all are better off to pray with me that Jared Cowen is a decent 3rd pairing D man and not…nothing.

Cameron Gunna Do Some Stuff With the Lineup That’s Gonna Have Fans WILD Frustrated
I’m certainly not the first person to bring it up but even though he was pretty real talk about benching some players, DC did have the luxury of having some of the less skilled players on the injured reserve through most or all of the Sens glorious run to the playoffs. Smith, Cowen, Neil and Phillips were all out for the stretch run. MacArthur’s top six spot was up for grabs. Hell, he didnt even have to deal with the Anderson vs. Lehner politics through it. It’s undeniable that he even had a bit of that, “Whoa, where do you think you’re goin’ Neiler…can’t mess up this mojo” leeway going for him once players did get healthy again.
With the exception of Phillips, going into this season, he won’t have it that easy.
I am realistic to the idea that Chris Neil, who in addition to drawing ever nearer to the 1000 game milestone, will be playing for his very career this year and as such will draw into several games. Zack Smith is going to be given his chances too. In the case of Smith, it’s not all bad. My advice is to be patient. I think he will be given the Greening trade showcase special. Oh btw, don’t rule out some games for Greening again. Unlike Greening, however, I think Smith is one of the most tradeable bottom 6 players on the team. Smith is not as bad his 3 points in …38 games *gets very dizzy* indicates and his contract is excellent. Smith had a really rough start to last year adjusting to wing and he couldn’t bounce back from that horrible sounding wrist injury. Have you ever hurt your wrist? It’s gross. The shit takes like a YEAR to feel normal again. Anyway, he’s got over 300 games for the Sens, he’s going to be in the starting line up. At just $1.8M for a big, tough 4th line centre who’s had a 13 and 14 goal seasons, expect him to get moved at the deadline. Try not to lose your shit too much when he’s getting looks, guys like Smith are catnip for GMs. I all but guarantee he’ll be moved.
*Skips talking about Jared Cowen more*
Rookies like Shane Prince and Chris Wideman may not make it into every game either. I want them to get their shot as much as the next person but a gradual intro is how it often seems to go for rookies. From Mark Stone to Patrick Wiercioch to Erik Condra (god bless), most promising players coming up from the minors tend to get spot duty rather than just thrown into the shit full time. I’m not super stoked on it as being patient with development is not my strong suit (Me want Thomas Chabot NOW dammit) but I’m bracing myself for Shane Prince to potentially splitting some time with *30 second exhale through nose* Colin Greening. Wideman will have it even tougher with zero NHL games experience and 6 defenders ahead of him on the current depth chart. Lest we forget Chris Phillips shooting up adamantium in the shadows. Ugh, who knows what that will look like if Big Rig deems himself fit to play. Cross that bridge when we get there I guess. Heyyyyy at least the guys on the edge of roster are still exciting, skilled players.

Is “Bobby Ryan Needs to Score 30 Goals” the New “Jason Spezza Not a Good Baaackchecker Thooo”?
No, Bobby Ryan did not score as many goals as he was expected to last season. He went into a near quarter season slump (he also carried the team offensively for a couple of months as well but ima let this point cook for a minute).
Okay. I, like all fans, hope this guy has the best year of his career and everythink like that (thumbs up). I just also hope we can find it in ourselves to not treat this guy like he’s a disaster if he scores like 28 (or fewer) goals. I will TAKE him putting up betwixt 20 and 30 goals, especially if he’s playing well all around.
There’s no question that Ryan is a talented goal scorer. I understand that’s why The Bryan made a big play for him. It’s been his job his whole career. I just can’t get it out of the back of my head that when he put up a career high of 35 biscuits back in 2009-10, he was playing with Cup Winner/Olympian shlubs like Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. Getzlaf posted an incredible 50 assists in just 66 games the 09/10 season. Perry had 49 helpers. That’s just two players dishing out 99 goals right there.
The following season, when Bobby Raw put up 34 goals, Perry and Getzlaf combined for 105 helpers. Getzlaf had 57 assists for 76 points in ONLY 67 games (soft). Perry en route to a Rocket Richard & Hart Trophy (selfish) dropped down to a pathetic 48 assists.  Good thing Tea-Moo Salami (of future First Ballot Hall of Fame fame) was there to pick up the slack with his 49 assists. Jesus, while were at it can we talk about how Lubomir Visnovsky (person) dropped 18 goals and 50 assists on some lowkey Erik Karlsson shit? How the fuck did these dickheads not win the Cup? OH, they got bounced in the 1st round you say? …man, I need to relax about losing to Pittsburgh as a low seed all those times. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, what I have tried to outline here is Ryan played with some dudes who could put up some POOOOIIIINTS in Anaheim.
Perspective: Norris trophy winner, Erik Karlsson would have been 6th in scoring on that 2010 team just behind Visnovsky. FML. King Karl has led Ottawa in points the past two years he’s been healthy. He’s a defenseman. An all-world one…but a defenseman. Different Teams. Different Needs.
After the departure of Spezza with the exception of Karlsson, Turris and Stone (who just became a thing like 45 minutes ago), this team is not overloaded with elite playmakers like those Ducks teams were. Only Karlsson is on a comparable level. All this to say, on this Senators team Ryan is going to be relied upon to set his linemates up about as much as he is to put the puck in the net. It’s likely to come at the cost of some goals. His 36 assists last year could be indicative of that. That may not seem like a ton but it’s the second highest total of his career.
Real Talk Korner: Even if Bobby didn’t have that extended dry spell, I’m still not entirely sure he’d have hit the coveted 30 goal plateau. Going into this season, if he doesn’t have a slump I think a 25 goal, 65 point campaign is about what you should probably expect. If he’s making his teammates better, that’s not the worst thing in the world.

Ohhhh The “Schedule” Look at our Fancy Aristocratic Friend With His SCHEDULE! Ha! What’s that? What Do I Call It? A Game Quilt.
I’ma come CLEAN about the schedule. Like with referees or an opposing team’s broadcast play by play, for whatever reason I am always on some serious hater shit. I’m a tough audience, I admit it. I know this because every year the schedule is released I am bummed out about it. I don’t even know if it’s better or worse than other teams. WHO HAS TIME TO FIND OUT ANYTHING IN THIS WORK A DAY WORLD!? Again, I don’t know how it shakes out in comparison to others but there are a couple of things that I think are objectively rough about this year’s table.

First item of concern is that throughout the season, the Sens will play 28 games back to back (or 14 back to backs if you want to be a complete D about it). After his historic run of wins last season HAS ANYONE MENTIONED THIS RUN YET? back up goaltender Andrew Hammond will certainly get his share of starts based on the back to back games alone. Anderson loves the lion’s share of starts but he’s not exactly known for his durability either. More concern! You’re welcome :) Even though he seems content with his role as back up there will still be there will be a ton of pressure on Hammond to perform.
Like Robin Lehner before him, Hammy isn’t really an ordinary back up. Every time Lehner would get a start it would never have the feel of your average Alex Auld start against whatever visiting team in the midst of a long road trip. With Lehner every start would always have this air of “This is Lehner’s Big Chance at stealing the starting job from Anderson!” Not saying it will be that with Hammond but after the unicorn that was last season, I anticipate many of Hammond’s opportunities will have a “Is this guy the real deal? Did he deserve a 3 year(!) contract?” vibe surrounding them. Me? I’m pretty confident that Hammond is Curtis McElhinney good. I guess the 4 back to backs in the first two months and a sprinkling of additional starts we will start to find out early. I really hope he gets off to a solid start.

I’m just going to post this nightmarish image to speak for itself:

Game Quilt

What no west coast away game at high altitude against Colorado on Christmas eve at 4am? Lazy!

Let’s break it on down: We come in calienté with a home game against Philly. Not too bad, fine with that…Oh, then for the next four fucking weeks it’s relentlessly one day on, one day off (what is this baseball?) but don’t worry the entire second week is a road trip. Luckily, the Sens only have to face the Stanley Cup Champion Blackhawks, Presidents Trophy winning Rangers, Cup finalist Lightning (only twice, so it’s all good. Stamkos is in a contract year so…) and the only shitty by Western Conference standards Kings and Sharks. Toss in the Islanders, Habs and Caps just to make it zesty. They then get a luxurious four days off, two of which workers must have off BY LAW in this country. Then cap it off with a cozy little home and home with the Bruins that is glued to a back to back (theme) against the Devils. I would imagine the boys will celebrate New Year’s Eve by sleeping for the next 36 hours.

Last season, Paul MacLean was given the axe on December 8th. The month was obviously used by Bryan Murray as a fulcrum point to decide where his team was at. This year Cameron wont likely be under nearly as dire a situation but will have a razor thin margin of error for how he rests and uses his troops. He’s worked under a ton of pressure already in his young career as a head coach but regardless this is going to be a massive month in terms of how his sophomore season as coach goes.

Eh….Go Ativan Go, I mean, Sens!

Feeling like you’re getting an ulcer? Purify yourself in the waters of Lake Part One of This Series That is Far More Positive here.

4 Things I’m Looking Forward To This Season:

Remember Cecer...every goal this year...is like earning a new Jetski next year.

Remember Cecer…every goal this year…is like earning a new Jetski next year.

Welcome to part one this two part series that will run from today all the way to tomorrow or maybe the following day. Next up will be be the exciting conclusion “4 Things I’m Hmmmm Not So Much Looking Forward To This Season” 

Contract Years for Both Cody Ceci and Patrick Wiercioch

There’s a lot of talk on the Sensphere™ about the need for Bryan Murray to get out in these streets of rage and spend some money *tumbleweed wearing sunglasses rolls by* to get a free agent to shore up the second D pairing. Some would even argue he needs to improve the top pairing. I mean, Marc Methot has been nothing but excellent on the first pairing for an extremely reasonable price since he got here but I’ma let you people cook. Anyway, I don’t disagree that if one aspect of the team needs improvement it’s the defence and the second pairing in particular. That said, it’s my opinion that the defence is the last step in the rebuild that began in the spring of 2011 (Ed Note: Please hold your Actuallys until the end of the presentation, thank you). I’m serious, I think Ceci and Wiercioch could very well have a ceiling of top 4 defenders; they just haven’t quite reached it yet is all. Buying the services of an FA can no question help your team get better faster. But for a club (and fanbase) as concerned about spending cash wisely as Ottawa’s you gotta be careful. Lest we forget how quick it was brought up how Sergei Gonchar made an unreasonable 5.5 million dollars whenever he would have a couple of bad games in a row, which was sometimes! Remember, G was a Cup winner fresh off a 50 point season when he was signed here. You gotta outbid other teams for a guy like him I.E. You gotta overpay. Sometimes you get a Nick Leddy bargain but most of the time you get a Gonchar who can never “save the team” enough or live up to the money.

With Ceci and Wiercioch, especially the former talent (can we talk about how the 21 year old Ceci basically sidestepped the need to play in the AHL?), it remains to be seen if what we’re getting but I think we should remain patient and find out. If Erik Karlsson’s current contract shows something, it’s that if you’ve get a special home grown player to re-sign, you can save a boatload of cash with that RFA negotiating power and what seems to be some kind of Loyalty Rewards Card that Bryan Murray has mad points on.
If this team keeps trending up, I want the organization to have as much walking around money left over as possible to start adding final pieces. Hey, I told you to warn me if I stopped living in the now and got too far ahead of myself…

What we have here two young, obviously talented players with a lot of potential and offensive upside. With the two of them vying to get as big a raise as they can manage while trying to solidify their spots in the line up, it should be a lot of fun to watch.

Cokedreams Conclusion: Karlsson’s last contract year was the shiiiiit. He put up 78 points (!!?) and won a Norris. A broke ass version of that from either of these dudes would be a massive boost to the team.

Dave Cameron Not Having to Win Every Fucking Game to Stay Alive:

Peace to the hardly ever losing GAWD and all but Santa Maria did this guy have a slim margin of error to work with. Follow me: There was actually LESS pressure for him to win to stay alive after the team made the playoffs than before. Brazy.
Oh, and allow me be the first person to point out that the Sens are likely going to be unable to re-create their historic run *thunderous applause* ALRIGHT ALREADY. Thank you. That hottake just came to me so I went with it. I like how the unlikelihood of repeating a near two month long win streak is constantly pointed out like it’s something anyone expects. Hey, we’re Sens fans, we’re happy with a 3 game winning streak round here thank you very much. It was fun and very special but I, for one, am excited 2 move ON.

Cameron starting the season off with a clean sheet is an intriguing story line for me. I think it’s safe to say that majority of Sens fans initially doubted the hiring of Dave Cameron ESPECIALLY when BryBry hit us with the “this is not an interim hire” right out the gate. Little did we know homeboy would finish the season with a Quenvillian 32-15-8. Winning is great and we all like Cambo (…it’s like…a play on…Rambo BACK OFF IT’S PRESEASON FOR ALL OF US) but with a new contract signed, a 0-0-0 record and a healthy line up to start the 2015-16 season, we are about to see what this guy can really do with the controls.

Thus far we’ve seen that Killa Cam preaches a fitness-first, hard skating practice style for his fast transition game and a “best players play” real talk attitude toward the line up he ices. He also has a new man running our (seemingly always shitty) power play in new assistant coach Alain Tourignafdsfdgjrkgeegoni. So that’s…new.

Many coaches replacing a guy who lost the room often experience early success so here’s hoping he can keep it up. On a optimistic note, (Don’t worry, there will be a more negative Cameron thing in the next post just to keep it 100), according to Wiccanpedia, we’ve had 26 coaches in the nation’s capital since the gawdbody Bryan Murray stepped down in after the 2007 season…and came back for a minute after firing John Paddock less than a year after stepping down…anyway what was I talking about again? COACHES, we’ve HAD ‘em. One of these fuckers has to work out eventually right? Let’s hope we’ve finally found someone solid after about 7 seasons of searching in the desert.

Mercifully, We Seem to be More or Less Out tha Dave Dziurzynski Era of Call Ups

Call it part patience with development paying off, part having far more skilled prospects in the system, but the Sens have stayed calling up higher end players for the past couple of seasons now.

At the start of last season, I remember it was the same story as this year’s “only one spot up for grabs on the roster.” By Spring we’d seen Mike Hoffman, Mark Stone, Courteous Lazar, Matt Puempel and Shane Prince make it up to the NHL level in some capacity. For what it’s worth puck moving defenseman Chris Wideman even got a call up despite not getting the chance to play in a game.

This summer I’ve come across some moaning about the team not possessing any top flight prospects—I guess you don’t produce a Calder nominee, a rookie who lead the Sens in scoring, a 21 year old defenseman who only played about 30 AHL before making the club and a World Junior gold medal winning captain without the luxury of a lotto or even top 10 pick in the last 5 years without making a few enemies.
Sure, our playoff team (btw) doesn’t seem to have the next Tyler Seguin in the system at the moment but I will take what we currently have over the not so long ago classic “The Ottawa Senators have recalled Cody Bass from Binghamton” mess any day.

The fact is that many of the Sens best prospects have graduated to the big club in the last few seasons yet the cupboards are far from bare. There are still exciting prospects fighting for spots at both forward and defense and perhaps soon enough in goal as well. Keeping that internal competition zesty is great news for this fan. It wasn’t all that long ago when the only hope for legit help from the farm was Nick Foligno. Nothing against Foligno it’s just that it was either him or praying that Denis Hamel finally figured out how to travel back in time to kill Hitler (naturally) and avoid that knee injury he suffered in 2000 that ruined his shot at the bigs. Nothin else.

Hey, by the way, I’m as unnerved as anyone when I hear Bryan Murray and co. utter the name Dave Dziurzynski as a guy who as a “real shot” at getting some games this year. I mean, lord knows Ottawa could benefit from a dude who put up 4 goals and 14 points in the AHL last year but I’m hoping it’s just lip service to the guys who’ve been riding the bus for years now.
What’s most important is that this season, there are many far more talented players ahead of him on the depth chart. Hell, even Buddy Robinson seems like a version of him with more upside. Look, I’m dumping on this poor guy. What I ultimately mean to say here is that Dave D would be the first guy who’d get called up a few years ago. Now, it would be a slap in the face to guys like Shane Prince or Matt Puempel to not prioritize them. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a couple of games from a youngster like Nick Paul this season. Young pups have developed nicely and earned shots and ultimately our eyes will be happier for it.

Ottawa Plays Toronto 4 Times This Season Instead of the Usual 5

In the Digital Age™ of tracking trends in the sport of Ice Hockey (that’s what we call it in Canada so we don’t confuse it with the other popular hockeys) one of my LEAST favourite trends to examine is Ottawa’s record vs. Toronto (the other is our success on the Power Play).

Seriously, what in the Hesus Christo happens when these teams get together? I’m like a broken record with this but feel me. Look, sure, I hate them, we’ll just get that out of the way, but there’s more to it than that. My problem is mainly this: Toronto is a shitty division rival who Ottawa just cannot beat consistently. Consider this, 2014-15 was Ottawa’s best season series against the leafs in 5 years…they went 2-1-2. *lets it s(t)ink in* That looks at first glance like Ottawa won more games than they lost. I see it as more of a glass half empty situation. Against the 4th worst team in the entire league, a 2-1-2 record is two points blown in OT or the shootout more than it’s two loser points salvaged.

The last three seasons, the Sens combined record against the loaves (thank you, Autocorrect) is a putrid 4-6-4. C’mon B, have a little pride, don’t you realize these guys suuuck? It was a lot easier to take when we we’re getting stonewalled by Tim Thomas year after year but you’re telling we can’t light up James fucking Reimer? That guy’s barely a starter!

As admittedly petty as this comes off, this is important to me because Ottawa is a team that typically either barely claws its way into the playoffs or just misses them. You gotta hack the BONE with the weaker teams in your division. Ottawa going 3-2-0 against the Bruins last season was the kind of subtle make or break stuff that helped get them into the post-season.

I’m an optimistic fan but for whatever reason year upon year Les Boys repeatedly struggle against these turds and I’m glad there’s one less goddamn game against them. Yep, that’s where I’m at, after watching the team go nearly unbeaten for like two months I am happy to avoid the lottery team that just traded away their best player.

Your Ottawa Senators…as Movies

A message from James:

Dear Reader, 

This summer I asked a WTYKY alumni and Hall of Famer to revive a post he did for our humble blog back in the day (Mom Slang for several years ago) where he compared our (mostly) BELOVED Ottawa Senators to popular movies. For those of you newish to our site his name is Pete. Despite his retirement from the glitz and glamour of a small market hockey team blog that actually loses money, he is still a MUST follow on twitter even though several of his jokes are 2 smart 4 me 2 understand. Find his criminally underfollowed account here. 
Get in there and become part of Pete’s Online Entourage early and often and one day when he’s throwing out the first puck at a Nepean Raiders Atom C House League tournament you can lean over to your friend B and be like, “B, I was THERE, I was on his wave before he was throwing out the first puck at his son’s house league tournament when he was just doin’ computer jokes. Also, B, when did they start ‘throwing out the first puck’ at these things?…Also, B…B! Are you listening to me? Yeah, do you think it’s weird that you and I are spending our Saturday watching an Atom C House League tournament at the Walter Baker Sports Centre when neither of us know any of these kids or their parents? We should be doing what REAL men do: Playing Call of Duty San Andreas on Xbox live getting called the N word by mega agro 14 year olds on our headsets. It’s our basic human right. That’s why our ancient ancestors gave The Kaiser what’s for back in the Great War.”   
……………..what in the Jesus Ekman-Christ was I on about? Oh yeah, Pete wrote a guest post, please enjoy it responsibly. 


Hey Sens fans, it’s time once again to look at this year’s projected roster and their cinematic comparisons. Join me won’t you? We’ve got Mike Holmes and Jackie Chan, the man who invented the Muppets, fake French movies, fake English movies, Scientology jokes and John Lithgow. (Kisses tips of fingers) “mmm perfection!” (then screams at tips of fingers) “Let’s goooooo!”

Disclaimer: Amount of fact checking done for this post: zero to little

Zack Smith, Mika Zibanejad, Colin Greening, Alex Chiasson, Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Patrick Wiercioch – Toy Soldiers
I also would have accepted The Lost Boys or Boys on the Side. Screw it we could make up a movie for the group, call it “The Unpronouncables: Featuring Zack Smith”. Have a script on the hood of my car by Monday, I hear Shannon Tweed is already attached.

Mike Hoffman – Payback
Only Mel Gibson is super chill and not at all upset that the Sens owe him money. He’s just bummed you guys haven’t gotten a chance to toss his sweet new bee around before an extended super smash bros sesh.
Booster Juice flavour that encapsulates Mike’s arbitration saga: A cardboard cut-out of Jose Bautista that has a crudely made speech balloon saying employees must wash hands.

Curtis Lazar – House Guest
God please tell me Phillips calls his house guest Curtis Lazar “Blazer”. Remember Sinbad? That man could act, he starred in 2008’s classic “Cuttin Da Mustard” (a real, no foolin movie) He doesn’t just get work, dude is work!
Favourite board game at the Phillips house: Fireball Island

Jean Gabriel Pageau – Le Film Jambon
One of those French movies that is only funny to French people (even after translation) It’s like French cinematic culture is either overwrought emotionally void psychodramas or nonsensical romps where a crazy ass Quebequois family/hockey team/group of erotic book store employees embark on a journey of self discovery before one of them dies. (Who just googled “Le Film Jambon”?)

Clark Macarthur – Holmes on Homes
Seriously, dude has a super kind face and those sick mitts would look good peeling away rancid vinyl siding to reveal that your fly by night contractors forgot to erect walls for your carport (why did you let them put siding on your car port? You are dumb and should be shamed publicly on a tv show that secures funding from the federal government… but old Grizz has you covered)
My reaction upon learning Holmes on Homes is not a movie but in fact a TV show: “Drama is drama son”

Milan Michalek – Capital Gains: The Movie
According to IMDB there is no movie in existence called Capital Gains. So my hastily cobbled together film production company/team of immigration lawyers are set to begin pre-production on the story of a lazy headline writer attempting the longest con of them all… love? (in this case the love shared between a man and a headline)
Player who should take the Capital Gains headline with them when they retire: Milan Michalek, fortunately dude is never retiring and mobile web programmers couldn’t be happier.

Bobby Ryan – Cool Runnings
The Olympic underdog story that just wasn’t meant to be. I can see the scene now where Brian Burke explains to Bobby that’ll take more than belly fire to make the American Olympic hockey team – In all honesty I’ve never seen Cool Runnings and rather than guess I substitute scenes from Simpsons episodes instead.
Memorable Dialogue: Doug E. Doug plays a character named Sanka Coffie and no one questions which is the more remarkable name? (Sees you can check dialogue on IMDB… meh)

Kyle Turris – Titanic
Why did old ass Rose throw the heart of the ocean overboard? There’s a stack overflow post about this somewhere. Why do I feel like Kyle Turris’ fascinating chain holds magical powers? Can we give him the nickname “The Talisman”?
Achewood column that references Titanic and not much else: This one

Mark Stone – Marked for Death
Lotsa layers here so keep up here my babies, “Mark-ed” as in being targeted. Sorry I suppose I should be giving you guys more credit. Speaking of not giving the audience credit, I think my favorite part of Segal movies is where each character he plays has some weird backstory where the movie from that point forward unfurls as a redemption quest. He was a chef that played by his own rules… That is exactly the type of chef I want making me dinner, those are the best chefs! Anthony Bourdain didn’t get where he is today by not bending an attackers arm completely in the other direction with the sound of a chicken bone breaking added in post. But why redeem? In this new age of reason, why does a steely eyed martial arts master, part Inuit former navy seal turned sous-chef turned Jim Henson imagine-a-torium employee need redemption at all? It’s like if elaborate plot points subtly revealed that Jackie Chan has a fear of intimacy? No, he’s just Jackie Damn Chan. Humanizing Steven Segal is in no one’s best interest.
Memorable Line: After killing the bad guy and his twin: “I hope they weren’t triplets” Daaaaaaam Son!

Jared Cowen – Harry and Hendersons 
Oh, gentle wood ape. Only someone with Lithgow-ian level thetans can understand you. What are the chances the Sens just walk Jared to the back of Rexall place and tell him to go. If John Lithgow shows up on the dad’s trip pretending to be Ermangandillo Prince (Shane’s Dad, btw) you know it’s going down. Also if this year’s Dad’s trip includes a stop in Edmonton, well that just sucks.

Craig Anderson – The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
If he had hair he’d cut it like Andrew Hammond. “Hey guys you like the Hamburglar but are you ready for the Chicken Hawk?” (Grilled, not fried). That is much funnier if I don’t have to explain the reference so I won’t.

Andrew Hammond – The Holy Mountain
Hockey is a strange sport, if the molecular properties of water don’t allow for less density when solid as opposed to liquid and the friction caused by a steel blade doesn’t create a thin layer of liquid thus allowing for rapid movement. Then we wouldn’t have a seemingly career minor leaguer set a record for consecutive non losses and find the team owner a new liver (seriously try and convince me that run didn’t literally save Euge’s life) Oh the movie, right… watch the trailer for this absurd masterpiece that does an expert job of capturing the essential human emotions of “huh?” “wha?” and “ew”.

Chris Phillips – Horizon, Mystery of Easter Island
A documentary on Netflix about the Moai of Rapa Nui. (They’re not heads and it’s not Easter Island) This is almost too easy, giant heads, slow, mysterious and have given tons of money to CHEO (ok don’t want to totally dump on the guy since he’s a good dude and puts his name on pretty good beer.

Chris Neil & Mark Methot – A Night at the Roxbury
Oh you wouldn’t watch a buddy comedy starring these two? Like fun you won’t! Neiler’s muffler franchise is on the rocks if he doesn’t make it big as a sports agent he’ll lose the respect of his father (Carla’s skeevy ex from Cheers) but his pursuit of success blinds him to the fact that his brother Marc almost made the Canadian Olympic team once.

Erik Karlsson – Karate Kid
Karate Kid feels like the easiest movie to reboot for these modern, more socially inclusive times. Let me just say I wholly support the premise of a golden-haired Swedish Elven God finding himself tormented by bullies and pushed too far. A metaphor for the deconstruction of cultural stereotypes in martial arts movies our hero goes on to learn patience and discipline at the feet of a Master Russian Sensei G. (Sergei rhymes with Sensei, fwiw).
Memorable Dialogue: When Samuel L Jackson says “Hang on to your butts” in Jurassic Park (does it have to be from the same movie?).