WordPress is being a turd and won’t let me post an image that makes the title of this post a little more coherent. Bonus points to anyone able to pick the additional line that ties it all together.

Look, I’m going to level with you guys here and you might not want to hear it…

I’m not that psyched for the return of the Winnipeg Jets… Before you all write impassioned letters to Ron and Don calling for my death by catapult let’s look at a few things and see if we can shed light on why a red-blooded Canadian would stare down the barrel of frozen jingoism and yawn. With apologies to David Letterman, the top ten reasons I’m not excited for the return of the Winnipeg Jets.

10. They’ll always be the Atlanta Thrashers

Oh sure, they’re the Jets forever more but sports fans with short memories are doomed to be seen as superficial and will never win an argument in a bar again. Secretly, the Winnipeg Jets will be the touchstone, the popsicle stick skyscraper of Gary Bettman’s NHL. While it’s true they represent the happy ending , they also represent the “anything for a TV market” dark ages of the league.

9. The odd number of Canadian teams

How does this help they symmetry of the league? How is the league to going to schedule the hockey day match-ups? (You know it’s a holiday invented by the hockey companies to sell hockey right?) Maybe we’ll have to rescind Vancouver’s hockey day match-up as punishment for those ugly riots after the Canucks had the temerity to get their asses kicked in a home game? Anyways, it’ll be an interesting game of musical chairs.

8. Another group of entitled obnoxious hockey fans

I’m making this assessment across all Canadian hockey fans, from the myopic optimism of leaf fans to the spoiled entitlement of Habs fans and even the misty eyed glory days-corpse dragging Edmontonians. We all have our warts. While the league needs fervent, passionate support of it’s franchises I’d like to you to ponder just how long till the bloom is off the rose and we’re faced with another fan-base we love to hate.

7. The corporate synergy with Canada’s air force makes me uncomfortable.

I’m a supporter of Canadian armed forces, that’s not up for debate. What I do find a bit confusing is the tie-in with the Canadian air force. I understand the relation the city and the jets have but wasn’t the original name a nod to the aerospace industry and a wink to the great Bobby Hull’s nickname? (Research, I haz it) Why was the Summit series of the 70’s so popular? Because it was us versus the red army. The home grown hockey talents versus the assembly line produced instruments of a  communist military complex. But when we do it, it’s cool?  Aligning a hockey team with a instrument of any organized force seems like unnecessary pandering. This is how you choose to sell the game  in Canada’s bredbasket?

6. Once I told a girl I loved her and she moved to Winnipeg instead.

Totally pathetic and completely true.

5. That logo is awful

Why is that jet bombing the curling rink? Seems anathema to almost everything prairie dwellers stand for. Unless it’s meant to represent the fly-by that opens the brier every year.I dunno, I’m only a casual follower of curling as mandated by my birth certificate.

4. The lack of marketable stars

I can’t wait to tune in to see what Evander Kane is going to do next. Wait,  how many Winnipeg games is  TSN broadcasting this year? Ugh. At least Nik Antorpov is freakishly tall, that’s good for a gander right?

3. Lip service and the spotlight

I still don’t believe any of their players would rather play there, sure they’ll love playing in front a full barn. But the next time their dump in rings over the glass and they’re in the box they might not like the boys in the first row  from Dauphin voicing their opinion. A quick check of the sports desk indicates shitty teams make alot of mistakes. Welcome to the spotlight, mediocre hockey team.

2. Another sycophantic press corps

Gotta say I don’t have high hopes for the team of scribes assigned to cover this squad.

I’m sure there’ll be the dissenting article now and again, but  there’s only so many ways you can gloss Chris Mason’s 34 save effort in a 5-2 loss. (Trust me we have experience of that in Ottawa) The saving grace of the Maple Leafs and Canadiens is that the ravenous hoard of  journo’s don’t suffer fools lightly. What’s the grace period comeback era Elvis Byfuglien gets before someone notices hockey players generally aren’t 300 lbs.

1. Typing Dustin Byfuglien’s name is hard.

Just like Letterman, number one always sucks.