I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare… Alternative playoff predictions.

Without letting this post already dissolve into the start of some Nabokov book where he bitches and moans for the first 30 pages, I’ll cut to the chase. I’m sick. The regular hockey analysis that appears on this site might be delayed a few days. In the interim, there’s this:

Most exciting first round series: Philly vs Pittsburgh

Holy man do I ever have a frozen boner for this matchup! This might end up more wrestlemanina/post heavyweight fight melee (including a dude wearing a fan) than an actual hockey game. The love-loss has been covered elsewhere but this series guarantees to be more than a battle to advance, or claim ownership to Penn’s backyard. When I was a kid my brothers used to make me dress up in football equipment so they could throw me into things and dog pile on me with little remorse. I suggest Danny Briere contemplate some more aggressive equipment modifications.

Acceptable Fan Behavior: Dressing up like the extras from the mad max set

Colonel Kurtz sez: Injuries, and young Breezy’s fear of Bears derail the Flyers. Pens in 6.

Goalie with the Best chance to steal a series or 4.

I wanted to take the Rangers but a bad home ice team has home ice advantage so… yeah, who else? Nashville’s Rinne comes immediately to mind. We know no team arrives more prepared to play than the Red Wings so Rinne will need to be sharp from puck drop, but I believe Nashville has the talent and special teams to weather the early storm. The only downside is trying to get Doc Emerick’s whiny staccato out of your head.

Acceptable fan behavior: Throwing packages of black-market cigarettes on the ice whenever Alex Radulov scores.

Colonel Kurtz sez: I found men like Doc Emerick useful while in command, they could used as currency with local tribal warlords. Preds in 7.

Game most likely to feature an overtime game so long you’ll think it began in a sweat lodge.

Ahh yes, the vision quest game. Steve Yzerman knows, Pat Lafontaine knows. There is no greater path to enlightenement than scoring a devastating goal when you thought you were  praying to a God with a “doctyl” suffix. I see The coyotes and black hawks locked in a defensive struggle that will contain a game so long you’ll swear James St. taps are lined with mescaline. The wounded hawks will use the transmogrification techniques pioneered by assistant coach Carlos Castaneda to soar majestically above the coyotes and their trickster spirit. Alas, paradoxically only for a win in game six to push the series to a deciding game.

Acceptable fan behavior: Showing up.

Colonel Kurtz sez: Time shares in the metro Phoenix area represent great value for your vacation dollar. Yotes in 7.

Series so boring I don’t want to write about them:

Sharks v Blues

Devil v Panthers

Series that proves once and for all no one likes the Canucks

This one’s easy, Kings versus Canucks. Not sure why Canada as a nation is supposed to rally around a group of hockey players maligned for their lack of sportsmanship and wealth of rat-finkery? If this team were in Toronto, TSN would be banned from broadcasting as a result of so many complaints regarding scenes depicting fellatio. I find it bizarre that the Presidents winning team is both under exposed and hated at the same time. How is that possible? Then again Alex Burrows plays for them so all bets are off.

Acceptable fan behavior: If we have to tell you this time, well I dunno.

Colonel Kurtz sez: If they riot again I am definitely finding a dog to make out with in the middle of the street. I want to be an internet meme! Canucks in 5.

Series most likely mentioned on Fox News

Caps versus Bruins, yes much has been made of Benedict Thomas’ refusal to visit the white house, but the last time a traitor visited the white house it was Kareem Abdul Jabbar in those dumb ass goggles and things worked out well for him. Right? My point is Thomas needs to shut up and play. Washington has put a disappointing regular season behind them  and Ovie enjoys playing underdog so Timmy will be confronting tons of rubber. Boston will need to exploit the playoff style the accidentally discovered last year, you know the “if we run over everyone and wait for the refs to swallow the whistles we’ll win” style?

Acceptable fan behavior: Asking masssholes to behave is a tall order.

Colonel Kurtz sez: How come you never see Tim Thomas and former Doobies front man Michael MacDonald in the same place? Bruins in 5.

Series that will promise to be awesome and nothing bad will ever happen

Sens versus Rangers

Acceptable fan behavior: Lose your shit!!!!

Colonel Kurtz says: GO SENS GO!!!!!! Sens in 7!

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