Steve assured me he in no way photoshopped this.

Welcome. Welcome Welcome Welcome. Im really excited you’re real and that you’re here and that you’re reading this. What`s that? I’ve had some bath salts today, yes. Both kinds, yes! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M MADE OUT OF FAIRY SHADOWS!!!!!

*deepest breath, wipes away just an awful amount of sweat*

Hockey!

Tonight, Ottawa has the opportunity to extend their current two game winning streak and bolster their spot in the East`s top 8. As is the case with all of Ottawa`s games the battle begins in net.

What more can be said about Islanders starter Rick DiPietro? A first overall pick and Olympian, Rick comes into tonight with a very pedestrian 2.81 goals against average and .901 save percentage…oh hold on…those are his AHL numbers…wow, that is not exactly great even for the AHL. Well, hold on let me look up a comparable…cool so hes basically got the same stats and record as Marc Cheverie at this point. Oh how the incredibly fragile have fallen.
Okay, I think DiPi has been through enough, lets get real. Evegeni Nabokov is probably starting. Ummm, I honestly cant tell if he`s any good. Here`s to hoping hes not! Sound off in the comment section if you`ve thought about Nabokov THE GOALIE NOT THE FAMOUS NOVELIST in the past 3 or 4 years. Nabby (assuming that’s his nickname Nabbs or Nabber) is riding a 2 game winning streak in his last two starts with a 1.50 GAA to boot. He enjoys puzzles and someday hopes to visit Portugal.

In the visitor’s end the mighty Ben Bishop starts. Bishop who has been very good for the Sens all things considered looks to improve his 5-4 record and his team low but still decent 2.57 GAA. Bishop had to make a lot of starts when the team was really struggling to score. Go out there and win one for The Beast Tower…lord knows he`s won the team a couple for the rest of the team in the shootout.

One Would Imagine NYI Has Quite The Fire Lit Under Them Right Now

So just as all the pundits predicted in the offseason, the New York Islanders are neck and neck with their hated cross town rivals the New York Rangers. Can you imagine? The New York Islanders could surpass the Rangers with a win tonight. You want to know why? The answer is because they are one point behind them in the stands. One point. Insane. They would be in 9^th with a win and right in New Jersey`s kitchen for the covetedish 8th spot. Math! The whole scenario is almost enough to cheer for them…except for the fact that they are playing Ottawa tonight. I think they are going to come out of the gate very, very strong. If Ottawa is flat unless Bishop can hold the fort they could get in trouble early.

Returrrrrrrrrrrrrrn of the Meh

Okay, so here comes the part where I talk to you like you’re Peter Regin. Don’t be alarmed I am going to put my hand on your shoulder and will stare unblinkingly into your eyes. Its all very normal. Here goes,

Bro, your bromother and I need to talk to you about something. But before I start I want to make it clear that I AM ON YOUR SIDE HERE. You are playing tonight`s hockey game. You enter the lineup in exchange for Kaspars Daugavins. I want to remind you that you have typically been scratched FOR Kaspars Daugavins. Though you both have a lot of good stuff going for your respective games, you each are having identically cruddy seasons points wise. You shouldn’t be in this conversation with him. No, no, no, no don’t tell it to me…its not my opinion that’s important. I know skilled you are deep down in that Danish heart of yours. Im not the one who isn’t going to resign you potentially. I know your ice time has been reduced but you`ve been given shots at first line time this year. MacLean has put you in the top 6 picture a few times. Its getting harder and harder to claw your way back here. You need to make a statement tonight. And not the kind of statement where we`re like `Regin won a lot of his faceoffs tonight` no one will talk about how you were good at faceoffs in a couple of years when youre playing for the SonderjykE Whatevers. You have to score a goal or set something brilliant up. ANYTHING to get you on the score sheet buddy. You can play solidly all year but you’ve played half the season and you have two assists to show for it. TWO. How`s it going to look if you finish the season with fewer goals than Dave Dziurzynski? How are you going to explain that shit? To many defensive zone starts? I don’t know bro. Lord knows youre not going to catch Jim Obrien at this point. My man is 3^rd in goals on the team right now…and he gets the exact same amount of ice time. You gotta keep yourself outta that pressbox by making statements. We`re talking about your career here. But most importantly remember it’s a game. Now get out there and HAVE FUN!!!

ENJOY THE GAME!