The Kinds of Senators Fans in the Missed 2014 Playoffs In…Writing Form?

What’s this? A PuckPossessed post that ISN’T crude stick figure drawings and swear words? What to heck? Okay, just go with me on this-also, there will still be a lot of swear words. Since the Senators were eliminated from playoff contention, I’ve noticed a few trends in the reactions of Sens fans with a few themes throughout (one being alcohol, another being sadness-write what you know right?). In this post I’ll be going over the positions I’ve seen Sens fans take in the playoffs.

The #TeamAlfie fans:
Relevant to your interests:
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Now if I were some sort of human with good timing and responsibility who wrote this at the BEGINNING of round 1, this would make a lot more sense to include. Well TOO BAD, MY FRIENDS. The #TeamAlfie crowd obviously supported the Detroit Red Wings because they wanted to see our former sort-of-fearless leader get the cup (also the extra money but haha let’s not talk about that shit anymore please) for which he left us. *a small amount of sobbing ensues at WTYKY headquarters* Ahem. Shut up. These kinds of fans seemed to find it easy to cheer for Detroit (despite the team being a rival) not only because of Alfie, but also because of the MASSIVE FUCKING AMOUNT OF SWEDES on the team. Hey, Kronwall is sort of a combination of Methot and Karlsson, and Henrik Zetterberg has got a really huge beard so that’s something, right? Sens fans seemed to be divided on the Alfie playoff problem with half wanting something good to come of him leaving the Sens and the other half not wanting him to be rewarded for it. Plus, Sens fans seem to hate the Bruins…like a lot. Which is a good segue to-

Bruins bandwagoners:
A small group during the first round which has grown for the start of the second round, Bruins bandwagoners seem to made up of: those who have always favoured the Bruins after the Sens (like me), those who really hate the Habs (also me), and those who just hate the Bruins less than the rest of the options left in the East. If I may quote myself:
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Cheering for the Bruins after the mess that was the Sens 2013-2014 season is refreshing because come on…the Sens were a diddly darn fucking mess and the Bruins are just so…damn…good. Having a few former Sens on the Bruins also makes for a nice easy transition to cheering for the villains of the East.

“The Only Canadian Team Left” bandwagoners:
Habs fans…excuse me *takes six shots of Jack Daniels to steel self to talk about the Habs*. Ahem. Habs bandwagon Sens fans are made up of those weirdos fans who like both the Sens and Habs, but also those who think it’s their duty as Canadians to support the only Canadian team left. The fact that the Avalanche and Sharks both have more Canadian players than the Habs notwithstanding, I sort of understand the desire to bring the Stanley Cup back to Canada for the first time since 1993 when the Habs defeated the L.A. Kings for the title. Sort of. Then again, it’s the motherfucking Habs and I feel the same way about them as other Sens fans feel about the Bruins-I just CAN’T MAKE MYSELF LIKE THEM.

The “Ottawa of the West” fans (San Jose Sharks Bandwagoners):
Step 1: Find team that plays a very similar game to the Senators
Step 2: Feel a little bit like you’re cheating on the Sens with their twin brother
Step 3: Don’t really care that much though because you’re still brokenhearted about the Senators
Step 4: Drink a lot. Do this step anyway, but especially if you’re a Sharks bandwagoner.

Columbus Blue Jackets Bandwagoners:
Again, if I had been prompt this would have made a lot more sense. It seems like a lot of Sens fans, and fans of other teams that didn’t make the playoffs, picked Columbus because they were the least offensive option. Their twitter banter makes them easy to like, and who doesn’t love an underdog (well, Pittsburgh didn’t but LET’S NOT DISCUSS THAT). Cheering for the Blue Jackets was easy with little to no feelings of self-loathing because come on, it’s the Blue Jackets, let them have their second playoff run in history, god, you ruin everything.

The “Pick a Player You Really Like and Cheer for Whatever Team He’s On” Bandwagoners:
This seems to be the case with a lot of people with soft spots for guys like Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton, Teemu Selanne, Jakob Silfverberg, and Sidney Crosby [Ed note: Sorry about the strikethrough, Cosby’s just not believable like the other options]. It’s a bandwagon, friends, I’m not going to judge you for just picking a player you like and cheering half-heartedly for his team to win. Hey, you could even learn the names of some of the other players on that team, you know, if you felt like it. But you’re a smart, strong, sensual [insert gender here], so u do u.

The “Fuck it All” fans:
The subtitle of this category being the “Fuck This, Fuck That, Fuck You” Sens fans in playoffs. This category is made up of people who don’t want to bother picking a playoff team to support, who just don’t care about anyone other than the Senators, and who are just waiting for the playoffs to be over at this point. There’s a lot of alcohol associated with this category, a lot of tears, and a lot of not wearing your Sens stuff to the grocery store because you don’t want to get chirped by the Penguins fan cashier who wears a Pittsburgh pin on her shirt even though it’s not ALLOWED IN THE DRESS CODE, DOROTHY, YOU JERK, SHUT UP ABOUT SIDNEY CROSBY [Ed note: (sic) Cosby], JUST BAG MY GREEN BEANS AND LEAVE ME ALONE.

No matter your method of coping with the lack of the Senators in the playoffs, I won’t judge you (unless you’re cheering for the Habs, in which case I’ll judge you a little). Healing from the trauma that was this Senators season will be a lengthy process (just buy a 40 of tequila now and save yourself trips to the LCBO in the next few weeks, trust me). Whether you’re cheering for a team or not, these playoffs are exciting as heck, and I hope you’re enjoying them as much as you can. Just don’t think about the Sens. Don’t do it.

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