As their last official act of the 2014-15 NHL season, the Ottawa Senators and their digital media team recorded a thank you video for us, the fans. We here at WTYKY would be remiss if we didn’t bring you a full breakdown of this off-ice content. It’s kinda our thing.

Whatever, it’s the summer. Just roll with it.

0:01

Look, if there’s one thing we’ve all learned from our Grade 8 graduation, it’s that nothing puts one in the mood for reflection like the soothing tones of a gently plucked acoustic guitar. Sometimes when something happens in my life, I’ll take out my second-hand 12 string and play the first few chords of Wonderwall just in case it turns out to be worth remembering later. Once I was served McDonald’s breakfast at 11:02 AM on a Sunday morning, even though Macca’s has a STRICT policy regarding the sale of Egg McMuffin’s past 11 on weekends, and I commemorated the event with a photo slideshow I created using iMovie. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of using Rick Wakeman’s The Six Wives of Henry VIII as the soundtrack, which totally ruined the vibe and it ended up getting badly downvoted on Reddit. Should have just used something by CSNY-Era Neil Young instead. Lesson learned.

You’ll notice that the Sens digital media team has not made the same schoolboy error I did so many weeks years ago. They may not be able to afford the rights to that one Green Day song whose name no one really knows, but they do know two dudes with guitars, effects pedals, a working knowledge of Garage Band, and an appreciation for Mumford and Sons’ new sound. Consider the tone set.

0:06

Look, you may say that life is all about colouring outside the lines, but would you take that sort of BS from your tattoo artist?

That’s what I thought.

0:23

Not content to just be his team’s lead-off hitter in the Orleans fastpitch league this summer, Mark Stone gets this end-of-year video started as well! Let’s see how he goes.

0:26

Ah, the classic look of a man who did not expect the phrase “continued support” to be written on the next line of the cue card.

0:30

Mika Zibanejad is a man of few words. You may think that a trite “Thank you Sens Army for your support” betrays a lack of interest, but take a second look. You think he’d put on his best boat shoes and fitted ball cap for just anyone? Love is about actions as well as words.

0:33

Milo comes in and delivers his lines with the self-assured confidence of a man who knows that even if he didn’t have the best season, he still outscored Ales Hemsky. That said, I have to comment on some of the sartorial decisions going on here. Now, I don’t know what sort of life Milan Michalek had as a young boy growing up in communist Czechoslovakia. For all I know, he aspired to one day wear the trappings of the most capitalist institutions as a way to rebel against his Stalinist oppressors. I don’t know what else would inspire one to support the New York Yankees of all teams. You might as well just walk around in an BNP Paribas golf shirt or wear a blazer made of sea turtle shells with the Exxon Mobil logo stitched on it. If any sports team can be thought of as truly evil, it is the New York Yankees.

0:38

Like I was saying, the New York Yankees are one of the finest franchises in all of sports and I feel honoured to even be allowed to cast my gaze upon their officially licensed headwear.

0:40

Bloody hell, Jean-Gabriel Pageau is the most long-winded francophone since Marcel Proust! Here is a translation of JGP’s message to Sens Fans.

I am an angel sent to earth by God to torment all those who would stand against the Ottawa Senators. Erik Condra and I will play on a line together for as long as there is hockey being played in the capital of this great nation. Sens rule, all them other teams stink. Thanks for a great season.

It’s amazing how good my French is after having taken two (2) French courses over a decade ago.

0:53

You hear what Patrick Wiercioch is saying, but you cannot listen his words because he is looking deep within your soul to judge you and your darkest secrets. I bet if this guy blinked more often (read: more than zero times) he would have been scratched less.

1:13

Jared Cowen is an NHL defenseman with the Ottawa Senators organization.

1:17

See, now this is what I’m talking about. Andrew Hammond isn’t about baseball bandwagons, endorsement deals, or swag from his cousin’s music production company in which he has a 2.5% stake. There’s just a nice sweater, a Nike hat off-the-rack, and a simple “Thank you, Sens fans” which gets the job done without fanfare. Andrew Hammond is the Andrew Hammond of this video.

1:22

Likewise, Chris Neil knows the drill. He’s not here to do anything fancy, he’s just gonna say his lines into the camera and go off on a change. That’s called being a veteran, folks.

1:30

Is Alex Chiasson’s lid game reflective of the fact that deep down he suspects he may have peaked in college?

No, YOU’RE projecting!

1:46

You can tell Eric Gryba really went all out for this video because he shaved earlier that morning.

1:51

Some might see this image as proof that Colin Greening is alive, but I’m not believing anything until I see a take where he’s holding today’s paper.

1:53

“Hey Sens fans, Curtis Lazar here.”

Curtis Lazar isn’t so vain as to think that just because you’re on this website for the team he plays for, it automatically means you know who he is. No, he’s gonna introduce himself, and you know why? ‘Cause he wasn’t raised in a goddamn barn, that’s why. After nearly a full year of watching Curtis Lazar on and off the ice, I can say confidently that “Meeting your parents for the first time” is just his default mode of interacting with people. He’s just so…earnest. He even said it was a joy to put on a show for us! Curtis, stop it. The joy is all ours.

2:09

Is this to be Erik Condra’s last appearance in an Ottawa Senators video? Is the man who has given us so many memorable moments over the years going out in a Detroit Tigers ballcap (Michigan represent!) while playing with his jacket’s zipper? As much as we’d all love to see this guy be the 9th person on the team to hold the Stanley Cup aloft before he rides off just wide of the sunset, some things are too beautiful for this world. Erik Condra is one of those things.

2:20

Enough of the scrubs. Now we’re getting into The Faces of the Franchise™. Kyle Turris and Bobby Ryan (or as you know him, “This is Bobby”) are givens, but who is the creamy middle of this Top 6 Sandwich? It’s Mike Hoffman! If I were Mike Hoffman’s agent (and really, who’s to say I’m not?), I’d be taking this video to the RFA negotiations this summer. “If my client doesn’t deserve to get paid like a top forward, why’s he in this part of the video instead of back with Cowen and Neil? Look, Turris makes $3.5 Million a year, Bobby makes $7 million a year, so let’s split the difference and go $5.5 Million.” Bryan Murray’s gonna be hoisted by his own digital media petard on this one.

2:40

Codi Ceci looks good in a sheltered role here. Maybe you’d like to see more out of the kid, but he only just turned 21! Let’s not rush him. Look at everything he’s already incorporating into his game. He’s got the backwards hat of Jared Cowen, the chain of Kyle Turris, and the barely controlled hair of Mark Stone. Cody Ceci is all upside.

2:43

I gotta come clean: I’ve never been able to get a handle on Craig Anderson. Some people have very strong feelings about Craig Anderson, but I am not one of them. He’s very good, but he’s not even Ottawa’s best ever goaltender who routinely suffers mysterious injuries. I don’t know what else to say here. Nice hat, I guess? Thx 4 reading.

2:47

“They didn’t give me the C, so I’m gonna give them the V………………neck.” – Chris Phillips.

2:53

I love Erik Karlsson. Has he ever been uncomfortable in any social situation? Both on and off the ice, EK only has to show up to crush it out of the park. I can’t wait to see his speech when he accepts his Norris Trophy next month. He’ll probably thank his dog and tumblr. It’s going to rule.

3:23

I just wanted to take this opportunity to remind you that Bryan Murray is, both figuratively and literally, a boss. All hail The Bryan.

3:26

Ah, life comes at one fast. Dave Cameron started out the year as The Guy with the Earpiece on Paul Maclean’s bench, and now he’s repping the whole coaching staff and painting thank you messages on the ice. Cameron ends the year and the video the same way he began as head coach: talking directly and matter-of-factly with that soothing but totally unplaceable accent. I hope he gets a summer job recording audiobooks or something.

I think we’re done here.