Your Ottawa Senators…as Movies

A message from James:

Dear Reader, 

This summer I asked a WTYKY alumni and Hall of Famer to revive a post he did for our humble blog back in the day (Mom Slang for several years ago) where he compared our (mostly) BELOVED Ottawa Senators to popular movies. For those of you newish to our site his name is Pete. Despite his retirement from the glitz and glamour of a small market hockey team blog that actually loses money, he is still a MUST follow on twitter even though several of his jokes are 2 smart 4 me 2 understand. Find his criminally underfollowed account here. 
Get in there and become part of Pete’s Online Entourage early and often and one day when he’s throwing out the first puck at a Nepean Raiders Atom C House League tournament you can lean over to your friend B and be like, “B, I was THERE, I was on his wave before he was throwing out the first puck at his son’s house league tournament when he was just doin’ computer jokes. Also, B, when did they start ‘throwing out the first puck’ at these things?…Also, B…B! Are you listening to me? Yeah, do you think it’s weird that you and I are spending our Saturday watching an Atom C House League tournament at the Walter Baker Sports Centre when neither of us know any of these kids or their parents? We should be doing what REAL men do: Playing Call of Duty San Andreas on Xbox live getting called the N word by mega agro 14 year olds on our headsets. It’s our basic human right. That’s why our ancient ancestors gave The Kaiser what’s for back in the Great War.”   
……………..what in the Jesus Ekman-Christ was I on about? Oh yeah, Pete wrote a guest post, please enjoy it responsibly. 

TAKE IT AWAY PETE!: 

Hey Sens fans, it’s time once again to look at this year’s projected roster and their cinematic comparisons. Join me won’t you? We’ve got Mike Holmes and Jackie Chan, the man who invented the Muppets, fake French movies, fake English movies, Scientology jokes and John Lithgow. (Kisses tips of fingers) “mmm perfection!” (then screams at tips of fingers) “Let’s goooooo!”

Disclaimer: Amount of fact checking done for this post: zero to little

Zack Smith, Mika Zibanejad, Colin Greening, Alex Chiasson, Cody Ceci, Mark Borowiecki, Patrick Wiercioch – Toy Soldiers
I also would have accepted The Lost Boys or Boys on the Side. Screw it we could make up a movie for the group, call it “The Unpronouncables: Featuring Zack Smith”. Have a script on the hood of my car by Monday, I hear Shannon Tweed is already attached.

Mike Hoffman – Payback
Only Mel Gibson is super chill and not at all upset that the Sens owe him money. He’s just bummed you guys haven’t gotten a chance to toss his sweet new bee around before an extended super smash bros sesh.
Booster Juice flavour that encapsulates Mike’s arbitration saga: A cardboard cut-out of Jose Bautista that has a crudely made speech balloon saying employees must wash hands.

Curtis Lazar – House Guest
God please tell me Phillips calls his house guest Curtis Lazar “Blazer”. Remember Sinbad? That man could act, he starred in 2008’s classic “Cuttin Da Mustard” (a real, no foolin movie) He doesn’t just get work, dude is work!
Favourite board game at the Phillips house: Fireball Island

Jean Gabriel Pageau – Le Film Jambon
One of those French movies that is only funny to French people (even after translation) It’s like French cinematic culture is either overwrought emotionally void psychodramas or nonsensical romps where a crazy ass Quebequois family/hockey team/group of erotic book store employees embark on a journey of self discovery before one of them dies. (Who just googled “Le Film Jambon”?)

Clark Macarthur – Holmes on Homes
Seriously, dude has a super kind face and those sick mitts would look good peeling away rancid vinyl siding to reveal that your fly by night contractors forgot to erect walls for your carport (why did you let them put siding on your car port? You are dumb and should be shamed publicly on a tv show that secures funding from the federal government… but old Grizz has you covered)
My reaction upon learning Holmes on Homes is not a movie but in fact a TV show: “Drama is drama son”

Milan Michalek – Capital Gains: The Movie
According to IMDB there is no movie in existence called Capital Gains. So my hastily cobbled together film production company/team of immigration lawyers are set to begin pre-production on the story of a lazy headline writer attempting the longest con of them all… love? (in this case the love shared between a man and a headline)
Player who should take the Capital Gains headline with them when they retire: Milan Michalek, fortunately dude is never retiring and mobile web programmers couldn’t be happier.

Bobby Ryan – Cool Runnings
The Olympic underdog story that just wasn’t meant to be. I can see the scene now where Brian Burke explains to Bobby that’ll take more than belly fire to make the American Olympic hockey team – In all honesty I’ve never seen Cool Runnings and rather than guess I substitute scenes from Simpsons episodes instead.
Memorable Dialogue: Doug E. Doug plays a character named Sanka Coffie and no one questions which is the more remarkable name? (Sees you can check dialogue on IMDB… meh)

Kyle Turris – Titanic
Why did old ass Rose throw the heart of the ocean overboard? There’s a stack overflow post about this somewhere. Why do I feel like Kyle Turris’ fascinating chain holds magical powers? Can we give him the nickname “The Talisman”?
Achewood column that references Titanic and not much else: This one

Mark Stone – Marked for Death
Lotsa layers here so keep up here my babies, “Mark-ed” as in being targeted. Sorry I suppose I should be giving you guys more credit. Speaking of not giving the audience credit, I think my favorite part of Segal movies is where each character he plays has some weird backstory where the movie from that point forward unfurls as a redemption quest. He was a chef that played by his own rules… That is exactly the type of chef I want making me dinner, those are the best chefs! Anthony Bourdain didn’t get where he is today by not bending an attackers arm completely in the other direction with the sound of a chicken bone breaking added in post. But why redeem? In this new age of reason, why does a steely eyed martial arts master, part Inuit former navy seal turned sous-chef turned Jim Henson imagine-a-torium employee need redemption at all? It’s like if elaborate plot points subtly revealed that Jackie Chan has a fear of intimacy? No, he’s just Jackie Damn Chan. Humanizing Steven Segal is in no one’s best interest.
Memorable Line: After killing the bad guy and his twin: “I hope they weren’t triplets” Daaaaaaam Son!

Jared Cowen – Harry and Hendersons 
Oh, gentle wood ape. Only someone with Lithgow-ian level thetans can understand you. What are the chances the Sens just walk Jared to the back of Rexall place and tell him to go. If John Lithgow shows up on the dad’s trip pretending to be Ermangandillo Prince (Shane’s Dad, btw) you know it’s going down. Also if this year’s Dad’s trip includes a stop in Edmonton, well that just sucks.

Craig Anderson – The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
If he had hair he’d cut it like Andrew Hammond. “Hey guys you like the Hamburglar but are you ready for the Chicken Hawk?” (Grilled, not fried). That is much funnier if I don’t have to explain the reference so I won’t.

Andrew Hammond – The Holy Mountain
Hockey is a strange sport, if the molecular properties of water don’t allow for less density when solid as opposed to liquid and the friction caused by a steel blade doesn’t create a thin layer of liquid thus allowing for rapid movement. Then we wouldn’t have a seemingly career minor leaguer set a record for consecutive non losses and find the team owner a new liver (seriously try and convince me that run didn’t literally save Euge’s life) Oh the movie, right… watch the trailer for this absurd masterpiece that does an expert job of capturing the essential human emotions of “huh?” “wha?” and “ew”.

Chris Phillips – Horizon, Mystery of Easter Island
A documentary on Netflix about the Moai of Rapa Nui. (They’re not heads and it’s not Easter Island) This is almost too easy, giant heads, slow, mysterious and have given tons of money to CHEO (ok don’t want to totally dump on the guy since he’s a good dude and puts his name on pretty good beer.

Chris Neil & Mark Methot – A Night at the Roxbury
Oh you wouldn’t watch a buddy comedy starring these two? Like fun you won’t! Neiler’s muffler franchise is on the rocks if he doesn’t make it big as a sports agent he’ll lose the respect of his father (Carla’s skeevy ex from Cheers) but his pursuit of success blinds him to the fact that his brother Marc almost made the Canadian Olympic team once.

Erik Karlsson – Karate Kid
Karate Kid feels like the easiest movie to reboot for these modern, more socially inclusive times. Let me just say I wholly support the premise of a golden-haired Swedish Elven God finding himself tormented by bullies and pushed too far. A metaphor for the deconstruction of cultural stereotypes in martial arts movies our hero goes on to learn patience and discipline at the feet of a Master Russian Sensei G. (Sergei rhymes with Sensei, fwiw).
Memorable Dialogue: When Samuel L Jackson says “Hang on to your butts” in Jurassic Park (does it have to be from the same movie?).

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