The Hater’s Guide to Week 11

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Tattoo-Inspiration-of-posted-by-James-Deane

Me, blue with power (not pictured: you, green with envy)

Hey, how are you? Uh huh? Uh huh? Listen, shut up for a second. I wanted to let you know we’re doing something a little different this week. The thing is, after we taped Advanced Chats with Ian Mendes on Friday, the wrap party turned into Saturday, and then into Sunday – you know how it is with Mendes – and all of a sudden there’s a game on Monday and I’m supposed to do the usual in-depth, thoughtful preview for four weekly games? Get outta here. So instead, this week we’re gonna play a quick game called, “The Other Team: A Mom Or A Dad?” Let’s go!

Monday, December 14 – Senators vs. Kings

Dad. Didn’t get it together until his late 40s. Got in early on some kind of semi-legal pyramid scheme and now he won’t stop lecturing relatives about the value of hard work. $7000 watch. The old dudes he golfs with are super-creepy. Still hasn’t explained why he burst into tears at Thanksgiving dinner. Senators 5, Kings 0.

Wednesday, December 16 – Senators @ Capitals

Mom. A lot of wine-themed aprons. Doesn’t think anyone knows she smokes in the garden shed. Can really talk her way out of a speeding ticket. Keeps buying expensive mail-order hand creams. We don’t talk about the time she left that divorce book on Dad’s nightstand. Senators 5, Capitals 0.

Friday, December 18 – Senators vs. Sharks

Dad. Always sending you articles about Bernie Sanders. L.L. Bean everything. Has three different lawsuits going over minor car accidents. Needs to cut his sodium. Mom is terrified he’ll retire early and hang around the house driving her crazy. Senators 5, Sharks 0.

Sunday, December 20 – Senators @ Lightning

Mom. Shelf full of porcelain Disney figurines. If she finds out about Etsy, look out. She and Dad came back from Europe last year complaining about the lack of chain restaurants. Still wants to go to South America, “when it’s safer”. You put a filter on your email to deal with all the forwards. Senators 5, Lightning 0.

Season prediction record: 15-10-5

Next week: the Boston Bruins – somehow STILL the least likeable Boston sports team.

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