The Jail Phone: Win Now Edition

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Luke: Good day and good System to you, James.

I was still coming down off the high from watching Our Boy Chat Salters on Jeopardy last night when I checked my phone this morning to see the glorious news that Claude Julien had been fired by the Bruins. Now, I am not the most brilliant hockey mind of my generation, but I am someone who reads a few things and here are the things I know:

a) The Bruins’ Fancy Stats were very good
b) The Bruins’ roster consists of Patrice Bergeron, Ratticus from Disney’s The Great Mouse Detective, a 39 year old Zdeno Chara who has the skating mobility of the continent of Australia, and 18 different versions of Adam McQuaid.
c) Given the dubious roster, you’d have to think Claude Julien was pretty much the only thing keeping the Bruins afloat and you’d have to be an idiot to fire him.
d) The Bruins’ front office consists almost exclusively of idiots.

Conclusion: the firing of a good coach can only be a good thing for the Ottawa Senators because it’s extremely unlikely the next Bruins coach will not be as good. Interestingly, Julien’s the second coach fired in the Atlantic Division this year, and there’s a good reason for that: the Atlantic Division is terrrrrrrrrrrrrrible. The Atlantic has been so bad that the Sens sit in 2nd place basically by accident. Ottawa has been occasionally good, and occasionally bad, and they had to trade for someone’s 3rd string goaltender who they then played for 37 straight games, and this has been good enough for 2nd place! That’s home ice in the first round! God Bless The System.

This situation has got me thinking: If the Sens might make the playoffs by accident this year, what would happen if they actually tried to Win Now by trading for some players who will help them Win Now? Who are Ottawa’s likely opponents in the first two rounds of the playoffs? A young and inexperienced Toronto team, and Montreal, the NHL’s least intimidating “elite” team. Ottawa would have a decent chance against both those teams now, so why not try to acquire a player or two who might give them an even better chance to make the Conference Finals?

Am I crazy James? This is all I can think about?

James: And may the grace of The System (peace be upon It) also be with your spirit, Brother Luke .

Standing ovation to Chet, whose real name, Chet Boyardee, was revealed last night on his impressive performance on the best game show of all time Jeopardy! (the fuck is up with that exclaimation mark tho?). The podcast brand has never been stronger and thankfully he did not mention this blog keeping us in our rightful place as 7th most popular Ottawa Senators/Erotic Barbershop Music blogs.

Re: Tomorrow’s Sun headline: JULIEN FRIED
I had heard that there’d been some personality clashes twixt Julien and The Bruins Brass (who seem truly pretty fucking stupid – check out Seguin tape and past) and he’d been hanging on by his Cup ring sporting pinky for quite sometime. I can’t recall the sources because I did a lot of LSD in high school but I’m pretty damn sure I heard that.

Anyway, true indeed that it’s a crushing way to get eliminated from playoff contention by YOUR Ottawa Senators (6 to 1 BTFingW) in the 82nd game of the season. But also, I don’t think a guy who brought your franchise it’s first Stanley Cup since Nixon traveled to China to begin talks with Mao is the fall guy. H_ck, he got them back to them Final the season following the Cup win and even nabbed the least talked about President’s Trophy in NHL history all the way back in 2014 AKA Covered Wagon Tymes.
I’ma chalk this one up to the classic “it’s not like this guy forgot how to be a good NHL coach.”

Me, I can’t speak for his personality but I think Boston’s welcome decline has been more due to big roster shaping events like absolutely, positively fucking up the gift of the Phil Kessel trade. You know shit is quiet for your team’s management when the laughter transitions from Toronto to your front office. Damn. I wont rehash all the details but its bad enough not having Tyler Seguin and Douglas Hamilton to show for the first round picks they got bur they don’t even have Loui Eriksson who they traded Seguin for anymore. Plus, they lost him for nothing! SMH.
Also, clearly it’s Coach Julien’s fault Zdeno Chara is turning 40 next month. He’s probably also to blame for management missing Colin White, Thomas Chabot and Joel Eriksson Ek with their THREE first round picks in 2015 but at least they drafted Malcolm Subban, rocking that 2.58 GAA in the AHL with a first. In conclusion, they made the right call just like they did when they decided that a young, perennial all star who puts up an average of about 35 goals per year was not in keeping with the Bruins Culture™. I couldn’t agree more.

You’re not brazy to propose a win-now trade given the weakness of the division. It sounds like you’re not talking a typical Scottie Upshall (The OTHER Tommy Wingels) bottom six bolstering but more a Landeskog / Duchene type ‘really fr_gging go for it’ type situation aren’t you? You know that’s gonna be a painful ass get, huh?

Luke: I think the plan right now is to have College White bolster the bottom six at the conclusion of the school year, and I personally couldn’t be more excited. I think some combination of White-Kelly-Lazar-Wingels-The Conspicuous Absence of Chris Neil has just enough zest to form a credible 4th line, and I don’t think there’s anything with the Top 6 that can’t be solved by putting a magic hat on Bobby Ryan (more to follow on this later this week).

So yes, I’m talking Big Splashes here. I’ve very much enjoyed the surprise success Ottawa has had (so far) this season, but even when wearing my most United in Red Tinted goggles, I can’t say that I think this is a team that is a few minor tweaks away from becoming an approximation of a serious threat. Luckily, I think there are some major tweaks on the board that P.R. Dorion might consider playing.

With Colorado playing as bad as the Sabres team Tim Murray had to tank for 2 YEARS, they are beginning to acquire the air of a team that might do something stupid just because they think it’s better than doing nothing at all. Matt Duchene is now at the point of his trade rumours where he just goes “I don’t mind getting traded if it means you all stop asking me about it.” (AKA The Jason Spezza Zone), and Gabriel Landeskog is having the sort of season Bobby Ryan is having only if Bobby Ryan was playing on a team that was much MUCH worse and was also THE CAPTAIN. I don’t know how seriously either of those guys are being shopped, but they’re the types of players who would improve anyone’s team in the short and long term.

Here’s a guy I really want, though: Kevin Shattenkirk. He’s got offensive chops, he’s extremely good at protecting the front of his net, he’s in the last year of a $4.25MM deal, and he’s on a team that’s barely clinging to a playoff spot, just fired their coach, has Jake Allen as their starting goalie, and just lost Robby Fabbri to injury for the rest of the year. The conditions are ripe to snag this guy as a rental.

Not only would Shattenkirk be a welcome addition as a good player, but he allows other players to slot in more comfortably in the lineup. Here are my dream defensive pairings:

Karlsson – Shattenkirk
Ceci – Methot
Wideman – Phaneuf

Ceci – Methot and Wideman – Phaneuf pairings have shown excellent Fancy Stat results in limited minutes (about 4 games worth) this season, and Karlsson’s great with everyone he plays with, except apparently Marc Methot this season (seriously they’re getting crushed in the Fancy Stats this year, which I know doesn’t show the whole story, but also isn’t meaningless either).

I don’t know what the cost of a Shattenkirk rental would be, but I’d be willing to give up nearly any prospect other than Chabot to make it happen. Who are the objects of your affection, James? Who are the Untouchables? Who would you part with gladly?

James: I’m confused. College White? That could literally describe any student enrolled at Boston College. Anyway, kokedreams korner, after the watching the World Juniors I think Colin White could step right in as a 4th liner and be the best 4th liner the Sens have. Also, Wingels has been an improvement so far. No need to do anything there. Don’t @ me.

In an NHL with very few major trades per season now, a terrible team like Colorado offering up two of its best players for some reason, is an opportunity as rare as Mr. Clean with hair. Dorion would have to plug his nose and likely give up a great package of pick(s)/player(s)/prospect(s) to make shit real and get one of those guys but with known commodities like Duchene or Landeskog you cant really miss…Right? I mean that’s what I said about trading for Bobby Ryan and his stock has never been lower for me! What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, your divorce. No, the big thing is, The Sens have some really good offensive weapons but its kind of fucked knowing that Clarke MacArthur may never play again. Even if he does return, I hate to say it, but it has to be acknowledged that he’d re-enter the line up having not played an NHL game in two full seasons. Think about how long it’s taking Anderson to get back to game shape after missing two months. It would be unfair to expect much more than a limited role from Clarkey until further notice.

This problem with the top 6 comes in addition to top line forward Roberto Ryan magically becoming less effective than Ryan “Unheralded Rookie 7th Round Pick making 750K” Dzingel. We need a dependable top 6 forward contingency plan now that we can’t count on Grizz returning to form (or even returning to be really, really real) and that’s compounded by Bob Ryan’s unannounced early retirement.

Fortune favors the brazy, P.R. Dorion, and I’m too much of a coward to even propose a trade that would get this done (thanks for reading, btw). I can’t help but think that Logan Brown’s best case scenario tops out to BECOME as good as Duchene or Landeskog. I doubt that would do it. Still, remember how the asking price for Patrick Sharp was a still in Junior at the time Curtis Lazar? Gotta no look pass on that tho because Lazar gunna grow up to be like TWO Patrick Sharps…right…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? *dies* *unfortunately, comes back to life* let’s move on…

Shattenkirk is a very interesting proposition. I have to admit I’m salivating at the idea of bumping all the left side defenders down a pairing. No shade to the boi Marc Methot, I do think he’s a solid partner for EK. He reliably hangs back and lets 65 hit us with The Art. One thing that increasingly bothers me with each passing season, however, is that Meth has next to ZERO offensive upside. It can be painful to watch him defer to a double covered Karlsson over and over again when he gets the puck. You can plainly see that the opposition is fully aware that if Methot gets the puck at the point he’s dishing it right. The only thing that makes the scenario work is that Karlsson happens to be Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart of defensemen and he could get shots off even with triple coverage. Still, imagine a world where it wasn’t guaranteed that a possible shot from the left side of the top pairing wouldn’t be a wobbler? Be still, expired pizza pop where my heart should be. Having two good point shooters means more rebounds means more Mark Stone making goaltenders his first born son in the low slot.

The benefits would continue down the D corps. Methot could continue his Johnny Cash rhythm guitar level steadiness and allow Ceci to be the trigger man he has completely gotten away from being and hopefully build back his confidence. Lastly, your bottom pair would be Wideman – Phaneuf. That would give your 5-6 slots two pretty serious shooters (say what you will about Dion, dude’s got 6 goals and 20 points). Wideman could open it up a bit and Phaneuf’s toughness would make Mark Borowiecki completely obsolete. *dusts hands*

In conclusion, I also hold the CONTROVERSIAL opinion that it would be quite beneficial to substantially upgrade Ottawa’s defense. What would I give up? I mean, like you said, he’s a rental (tho Ottawa hasn’t been terrible at retaining UFAs but I digress) I’d give up Lazar. He’s been awful but I guess he still has potential? A goaltender of STL’s choice of O’Connor or Dreiger, my guess is they don’t want Hammond after seeing him on Tuesday. Lastly throw in someone good? Jesus would you have to give up the love my life Jean Gabriel Pageau to make this happen? Giving up JGP would not exactly help Ottawa’s playoff hopes to lose JGP. He was put on this earth for the playoffs. Is this trade proposition HF Boards level terrible? I’m not good at this (thank you again, sincerely, for reading).

Cokedreams Conclusion: Shayne Gostisbehere for GOOD PHILLY BOY AND EVER’THINK LIKE THAT Bobby Ryan and one of the above mentioned goaltenders. Philly is about to lose Steve Mason and that is apparently a bad thing.

Luke: Yeah, in a post Hall-for-Larsen/Subban-for-Weber/Jones-for-Johansen World, I just have no idea what it takes to get trades going anymore. Seems like there’s a lot of other factors to be taken into account like “Is this guy’s contract a problem?” or “Are we likely to lose this guy in the expansion draft anyway?” that I would find hard to balance. Also, this year’s 1st round pick might be in play because this is considered such a weak draft. On the other hand, presumably everyone knows this is a weak draft so maybe a 1st just won’t get you what it used to. The value of these things fluctuates like the price of gold.

Still, can’t hurt to go for fleeting short term glory. The line these days is “The Sens have one playoff series win since 2008”, and making a move now could help change that. Do it, Pierre. Pick up the phone. You have nothing to lose except picks, prospects, and a roster player.

One thought on “The Jail Phone: Win Now Edition

  1. Pingback: Your Half-Assed Round 3 Preview: |

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