Ed. Note: Every so often, we at Welcome to your Scarfo Years like to adopt a guest post so that we can care for it like our very own. A few weeks ago Friend of the Blog, Bragg AKA @Braggzilla, asked “What if the Ottawa Senators were WWE Wrestlers?” and I said “You should write a blog about it” and now that blog is here just in time for Wrestlemania and we are all richer for it. You can try checking Bragg out on twitter, but he has a locked account so he might not let you.
Bake it away, Tragg!
The 2017-18 Ottawa Senators as WWE Wrestlers
If you’re a normal person reading this, your awareness of WrestleMania likely starts and ends with “that’s a thing that exists, and I think Hulk Hogan used to be on it.” If you’re like me, and not a normal person, you know that today is WrestleMania Eve, and you are HYPED for that A.J. Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura rematch from their 4.75 star classic in the Tokyo Dome in 2016! Either way; you, an Ottawa Senators fan, could use a little levity as this garbage dump season reaches its miserable, stupid conclusion. In the spirit of distracting ourselves from this Hockey Hell, and the spirit of my Christmas (WrestleMania); here are your 2017-18 Ottawa Senators as WWE wrestlers!
Mark Stone – AJ Styles
Remember the Mark Stone/Auston Matthews tweet that turned Ontario Hockey Twitter upside down for a few hours? AJ Styles is the pro wrestling equivalent of that. While beloved by the good and righteous people (WWE: dorks on the internet/NHL: Ottawa Senators fans) who appreciate their talents; neither Styles or Stone have gotten the full recognition their abilities warrant because they appear on television shows that cater to an audience without fully developed motor skills (WWE: 5 year olds/NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs fans). Like Mark Stone, it’s not that no one thinks AJ Styles is good; but he had to become one of the best pro wrestlers in the world, and sustain that for years before a mainstream audience truly took notice.
Bobby Ryan – Randy Orton
Early in his career, Orton was a blue chip prospect. He had some great years early on, but settled into a pattern of mediocrity by his late 20’s that, when combined with his high salary, caused many to question his commitment to his craft. While Ryan’s career has become beset by hand and finger injuries to near tragicomic levels; Orton’s shoulders have plagued him in much the same way, peaking in 2015 when he missed months of action after dislocating his shoulder taking out his garbage. Another thing Randy Orton has in common with Bobby Ryan is their political uhhh… leanings. Yeesh.
Frederik Claesson – Cesaro
Claesson and Cesaro are Northern European imports who have shown flashes of brilliance in small samples, but have not yet been given an opportunity to do so in a long-term, consistent role. They have risen to the occasion when given the chance – Claesson in the 2017 playoffs, and Cesaro in great matches with John Cena and Sami Zayn – but nothing more seemed to come of it. Fred Claesson for Intercontinental Champion in 2018!
Ben Harpur – The Big Show
Both Harpur and Big Show signed contract extensions recently, despite looking like they probably will and should be healthy scratches most of the time. Critique their ability all you want, but you cannot refute that both Harpur and The Big Show are very, very tall men.
Mark Borowiecki – Kane
The best way to describe Kane’s strengths as a performer in 2018 is to say “he’s very popular in the locker room.” Despite this, the TV commentators talk about him as if he’s going to literally open a portal to hell and throw his opponent in it every time he’s on the screen. Take a listen to what the colour commentator says next time Borowiecki bodychecks a guy or tries to instigate a fight – it’s basically the same imagery.
Cody Ceci – Roman Reigns
Roman Reigns is the perfect golden son of WWE management. Tomorrow night, he will probably win the WrestleMania main event match for the third straight year. A role on the show you’d expect to be occupied by a Hulk Hogan/Stone Cold Steve Austin type beloved star. As WWE attempts to shoehorn Reigns into the role of their top star, and tell the audience that he is very important and tough and handsome and cool; more often than not, he tends to get this type of reaction from the crowd. Given that his entire job is basically make people cheer for him, those aren’t good results. Roman Reigns is WWE’s top star in the same way that Cody Ceci is the Ottawa Senators’ ‘shutdown defenseman.’ Someone decided that was what he is; and it seems that no matter how much evidence mounts that it just isn’t working out, they’re not going to move away from that any time soon. It’s debatable whether or not Ceci or Reigns is objectively bad as a hockey player or wrestler, but both have become lightning rods for fan criticism because they were placed in top roles before they were ready, and are cited as evidence of flawed organizational philosophies as a result.
Erik Karlsson – Daniel Bryan
If ‘making people cheer for you’ is the wrestling equivalent of ‘being a good defenseman’ in the NHL, then Daniel Bryan’s résumé is a little more Karlsson-esque in that regard. Though there was some level of expectation early in their careers – Karlsson was a first round pick, and Bryan was a star independently long before WWE – no one could have predicted either of these guys would become possibly the best in the world at their respective positions. Both are electrifying performers who use their athleticism and creativity to produce exciting moments that transcend their sport. Both Bryan and Karlsson have continually exceeded all expectations placed on them, blossomed as performers before our eyes, overcome working for sometimes dysfunctional employers, and formed a bond with their respective fanbases unlike any other.
Daniel Bryan has long been a fan favourite in the most literal sense of the term. He’s really almost every fan’s favourite. He is returning to the ring on Sunday after a two year absence due to injuries and WWE-imposed hurdles on his medical clearance. Wrestling fans, who love Bryan in the same way Sens fans love Karlsson, thought they had seen the last of him in a WWE ring. If there’s anything to be learned from that as a Sens fan, it’s that maybe there is still hope, and maybe we haven’t yet seen the last of our Swedish miracle angel in a Senators uniform, despite the existential despair and sense of impending doom that we all feel right now. Let’s all take a moment to visualize how great it will feel to see “Karlsson signs 8-year extension in Ottawa” bless our twitter timelines this summer, and then see him step on the ice again (in the heritage ‘O’ jersey, or the 2D Senator logo) next fall. Please do not remind me that wrestling isn’t real at this time – I need this!