Folks, it’s a Monday night game and everything’s all fucked up. Derick Brassard is back in the lineup, I’m watching the game nearly 24 hours later, Dallas has a hockey team apparently, basically nothing is as it should be. Ok let’s watch some hockey and feel normal about it.

1st Period

• Watching the game the following evening instead of first thing the next morning means I get to enjoy a beer as part of my viewing experience, and let me just say: if you haven’t tried “having a beer” while watching a hockey game, I recommend it. It’s pretty good!
• Tonight’s starting goalie is “Magnus Hellberg”, who Ottawa picked up on waivers from Seattle when C*m Talbot went down with an unplanned injury. Not sure Seattle is the team I’d want to be picking up goaltenders from these days, but let’s just see what happens…
• The Sens defense is “battling” so far, which is what the home broadcast says when the home team is getting absolutely murked, but the announcers are trying to stay polite about it.
• Sens dodge going down 0-1 early through an inconclusive video review of a wrap-around attempt that looked like, at the very least, it should have been a goal. Sens on the PK, now. The PK has been pretty rough lately, so going a game or two without allowing any goals while shorthanded would be nice.
• Well the good news is the Sens didn’t allow a goal on the PK, but the bad news is that Brannstrom got cooked like a Christmas turkey on a one-on-one defensive play by someone called “Kiviranta” and now it’s 1-0 for the Stars. Chabot didn’t cover himself in glory either, but Brannstrom was definitely the main guy who was embarrassed there. If I know DJ Smith, and I think I do, this will mean that Brannstrom won’t be seen for the rest of the game now.
• Almost 8 minutes into the game, Ottawa finally gets their first shot on net via Mark Kastelic. I’m not convinced this a real problem, but Ottawa doesn’t really come out of the gates trying to blow people off the ice this year.
• Ottawa’s powerplay gets a chance to go to work, and we get our first look at Brassard on the powerplay in place of the injured Josh Norris.
• Brassard wearing number 61 is a bit like your dad left and then your mom’s new boyfriend starts wearing his clothes. Brassard isn’t the Step-Stone, he’s the Stone who stepped up.
• Ottawa’s powerplay looked fine, but they didn’t score by the way. I was too busy thinking about the number 61 for normal reasons to notice anything else about it.
• Apparently Ottawa is facing Dallas’s backup goalie tonight? That’s fine, we’ll take that disrespect in stride. It’s all good. We don’t mind a free two points. It’s banter!
• Tkachuk does a bit of shithousery in the offensive zone and gets penalized for it, and Ottawa’s going to finish off the period on the PK. Joseph gets a pretty good shorthanded chance, and Ottawa actually kills off the rest of the penalty pretty effectively. As the official Guy Who Is Doing A Bit About Pretending To Care About the PK, But Actually Does Kinda Care About The PK, I declare this: adequate.
• That period was the Monday night game against a Western Conference team of periods.

2nd Period

• Ottawa’s first line of Tkachuk-Stützle-Batherson puts together some good offensive pressure to open the 2nd. One thing I like about Ottawa’s “skill” guys is that they play a very direct game. I like this sort of fast, unsophisticated hockey where the team wants to get high quality chances as soon as possible, and they don’t really care who’s shooting it or how. Even Stützle, who I think is occasionally accused of being all curry no wurst, is considerably more shoot/pass oriented than someone like Auston Matthews who likes to skate and never wants to give up the puck unless he’s going to shoot it from one of those spots he likes to shoot it from.
• Ottawa has put a few good shifts together here, but Hamonic is going off for a bit of a dodgy interference call now to put an end to that. Time for The Penalty Kill Knower to log on yet again…
• Another solid kill from Ottawa, as they denied Dallas opportunities to set-up in the offensive zone with possession. Ottawa has allowed only 1 shot on three penalty kills, meaning I am going to upgrade this performance from “adequate” to “acceptable.”
• Pinto has appeared on the second line with DeBrincat and Giroux. Just something to keep an eye on for the rest of the game. Also Sanderson just drew a penalty so Ottawa’s gonna get a chance to tie it up on the PP.
• DeBrincat takes a feed from Batherson and blasts one-timer it into Wedgewood’s pads. This man just cannot buy one so far this year. This was also Ottawa’s best chance on the powerplay.

• Not to get to “Ottawa Valley” with it here, but I gotta once again say that this 4th line really stirs my soul a bit when they start banging and crashing in the offensive zone. It’s caveman shit to be sure, but I still like having one line that follows that old Midget hockey philosophy of “Shoot, pass, kick ’em in the ass. Skate around the rink and kick ’em in the dink.”
• DeBrincat draws a tripping penalty and Ottawa’s going back to the PP. Blessed be the off-season acquisition who is still drawing penalties and chipping in with assists when he hasn’t got the bat going.
• Stützle has a beautiful chance denied by a sprawling Wedgewood. Are…we getting Sens’d right now? This is what it looks like when someone gets Sens’d, no?
• So the Sens are losing and they’ve failed to convert several five-star chances on the powerplay, but other than that they are playing a pretty great period, all things considered. Just relentless killbot stuff. Short shifts, rolling 4 lines, they just keep coming at you until you can’t hold them back any more. It’s pretty great!
• Ottawa is going to finish the 2nd with another powerplay. I guess it’s easy to look like the better team when you’re constantly playing with an extra skater.
• Chabot ties the game with 36 seconds left in the second with a sneaky one-timer from the point which is tipped in by Batherson in front. Considering the chances Ottawa’s had in this period, it’s crazy that THAT’s the one that tied the game. Also Batherson being so incredibly red hot keeps stressing me out until I remember that he’s already signed to a long-term bargain deal.

3rd Period

• Hellberg opens the period by giving up a big rebound to Robertson and then making an equally big save to clean up his own mess. I like a goalie who takes responsibility for their own mistakes!
• Dallas has come out with a strong push to start the 3rd, and like in the first, Ottawa hasn’t had any shots on net in the first 5 minutes. Then Brady Tkachuk takes a pass from Stützle as he crosses the blue line, and he shoots Ottawa’s first shot of the period five-hole on Wedgewood and gives Ottawa the lead. Incredible garbage energy from the garbage son captain.
• Feels like I haven’t seen Brassard in a while. He’s been there, I’m just saying it feels like I haven’t seen him in a while. Mind you, it’s not like Josh Norris had been Mr. Visibility on the Giroux line early in the season.
• Everyone’s looking for EU residency, these days…

• Shane Pinto scores in his fifth straight game, by simply forcing a turnover and shooting the puck into the exact place where the post meets the cross bar at 300 meters per second. Is it time for this guy to slow the fuck down now? This is a guy we actually need to give a new contract to! Maybe it’s time to start getting DeBrincat involved, you know? Spread the goals and the contract dollars around a bit!
• Brassard gives Ottawa a 4-1 lead by keeping the puck on a 3-on-1 and shooting the puck into the exact place Pinto just did. Turns out this whole time Wedgewood’s weakness was perfect wrist shots into the top corner. He better hope the rest of the league doesn’t figure this one out.

• Ottawa’s taken their foot off the gas a bit here to finish the game, but I guess that’s normal when you’re up 3 with six minutes left.
• Dallas pulls the goalie with 3:40 left in the game, which is good because it will help protect Ottawa’s precious 5v5 xG%.
• Let’s check in with the Dallas support staff!

• Damn, I was just trying to think of a simile to describe what the Sens were putting this game to bed like when Dallas scored to make it 4-2. Again, this does not count against Ottawa’s 5v5 stats, so there’s no reason to panic.
• The game ends, but not before Ottawa ices the puck approximately 600 times and DeBrincat has a shot at the empty net blocked as time expires. Light work!

The Wisdom

Outside of the mystifyingly slow start to the 1st and 3rd, this was an excellent, full-team performance against a legitimately strong team. I’ve been reluctant to ask this so early in the season, but…are the Sens good???

Here It Is, Your Moment of Salieri