16.09.2010: In which we express our excitement about the All Star Game by realizing we’ve never actually watched one


As we’ve all no doubt heard, Ottawa will host the 2012 All Star Game. This will of course be difficult to pull off given the horrible atrocity of our next devastating lockout is scheduled to occur that same year. This leaves the door open for a Civil War reenactment using monkeys, AKA something that might actually be broadcast by ESPN.

To celebrate this event, and in place of our usual witty repartee, we offer the following list of occurrences we hope to observe while watching the All Star Game on Rogers Cable Access 22 from a bar several hundred kilometers away (AKA downtown)

  • Alex Ovechkin takes reporters on a tour of the haunting holocaust museums. Since we appreciate the attention, no one feels the need to correct him as he strolls through Merivale Mall
  • Chris Pronger gets some body part stuck to something frozen
  • Corey Clouston makes any Sens not selected as all stars stick around to help setup chairs
  • Roberto Luongo gets mistaken for the DJ at Pigale’s
  • The league institutes a new format: “Gatineau vs the World”
  • World’s largest game of shinny on the canal is deemed to be no reward for being selected as an all-star
  • Several players finish interviews by saying “Ottawa’s a great town I could totally see myself signing here…” and cannot stifle the laughter to finish the sentence.
  • In a weird twist, Jacques Martin is selected to coach the east while Rick Bowness is selected to replace his boss Alain Vingnault (who cannot return to Eastern Ont/Western PQ for mob reasons), thereby making the coaches both former Ottawa coaches. It’s a great lesson where we forgive and forget.
  • At the last minute, Melnyk’s team of scientists discover a way to make ice in Barbados and the whole game is moved to the parking lot adjacent Bert’s Bar.
  • Dion Phaneuf enjoys what he believes to be Angus Sliders and turn out to be just some rocks he found on the ground
  • Alex Kovalev absolutely takes over the game by dictating the pace of play, out-stickhandling the best of the best and banking the puck in off the Subaru he’ll win as the best player as voted by fans. He skates to a – 4 with zero shots on net in his next regulation game.
  • The game is delayed for four hours because everyone  naturally assumed the arena would be downtown and booked their hotel appropriately.
  • Gary Bettman fines players who don’t show up due to injuries, and when they ask how he’s empowered to do that Gary points to a section in the CBA written-in with crayon ten minutes earlier. The NHLPA releases a statement two seconds later saying they will not question the decision, and assume their default position with pants down and hands around ankles.
  • Don Cherry is captured on Parliament Hill after calling a statue of the Queen of England ‘gay’. He’s returned to the nearest old folk’s home. It’s later revealed that Ron Maclean tipped them off to his whereabouts.
  • Sidney Crosby’s canned speech causes Spartacat to request euthanization.
  • Ottawa Senators fans begin to cry in unison when they realize that most of both All Star teams are ex-Senators who were allowed to walk as free agents for absolutely no compensation whatsoever.

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