2011.01.10: In which we offer transmissions from the dark continent


Thursday night I got to go a Leafs game. Like anyone who isn’t a Leafs fan, and thus would never buy their own ticket (from a scalper), I sat in 100 level corporate seats, closer than I would ever get to sit at a Sens game. There was a sense of having unknowingly stolen the treasure of the maharaja, being so close to such precious mediocrity. Here are a few impressions:

– Wow, does that building ever go through mood swings. Down 2-0, there was definitely a “here we go again” vibe. Then they come back to make it 5-2, and the atmosphere is just crazy, far in excess of what I’m used to at a Sens game. Then they blow the lead so that it’s 5-5, and at this point (in addition to a guy yelling a shitty thing about cancer – see below) the crowd is on the verge of simultaneously blowing their brains out. When the Leafs won in the shootout, the place just exploded. I won’t presume to say that Sens’ fans could learn to be this enthusiastic, because these kinds of wild swings are what it’s like to live and die by a team, and that kind of craziness is at the root of why fanbases like Toronto’s are so thoroughly obnoxious. They’re fundamentalists. When the team is losing, they will do nothing but lose forever and ever, and when they are winning – and winning big, like 5-2 big – nothing could possibly go wrong. Like allowing three goals in the next ten minutes. And, really, with so many years out of the playoffs, what more can you do but enjoy a victory as so much the sweeter for its rarity, and lament one’s failures are curses? I’m just glad I got to be there on a night when they pulled out a win, and we all went home transcendent with religious ecstasy, rather than a 2-1 loss, like what the Sens barfed up at home against Tampa the other night.

– If you ever get mad at Kuba and Phillips for making boneheaded plays, you should watch a Leafs game. Their best defencemen – Phaneuf, Kaberle, and Schenn – are just the worst at the kind of play we Sens fans are now getting used to. The number of breakaways they gave up, the blind passes into their own slot, the pylon-like brain freeze they experience when observing an attacking player skating across their blueline: it was eerily familiar. Gustavsson may have allowed five goals, but wow did he ever bail them out. He was Brian Elliott good out there. I’m not even going to talk about Bret Lebda. (Who was -3 after their 9-3 win against Atlanta.)

– It should be little wonder that Toronto consistently finishes last on those Forbes lists about which sports franchises offer the best value for money. I’ve never been to a game where food and drinks were so expensive. $17 for a regular sized beer and a dog? Sheesus. Leafs fans: you are being ripped off something fierce.

– It would hardly be fair to judge the entire Leafs fan base on that one guy in front of me who yelled “I hope your wife dies of cancer” at the ref. I will, however, judge them on the reaction of the spineless shithead sitting next to him who sheepishly laughed and looked around for affirmation, because, hey, you don’t muck with an alpha male, right?

– Grabovski’s little spinny thing in the shootout was pretty, and made all of the highlights, but is also indicative of the mindset of this team: he said he wanted to try something special because his dad was in the building, and so with the game on his stick, he went out and tried a trick shot. Awesome. Such blatant manifestation of a complete disinterest in winning. Right up there with blowing a 5-2 lead in the third period.

– You know what else is awesome? Having a downtown arena.


I’m stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill laughing at that guys HILLARRRRRRIOUS joke*! You know what would be the piece de resistence?
If the ref’s wife/loved one WAS DYING or DID DIE of a terminal illness! ZING! Take THAT you dumb REF! Let’s put it out there though, that fan couldn’t have made something so funny up. He must have stolen that from Carlos Mencia. I’m no George Lopez but I must have Jeff Dunham’ed a thousand Joe Rogans when he Jay Lenoed** that one up. Ohhhhhh mercy!***

The most cerebral thing about that guy’s clever witticism is that if the ref doesnt hear it’s okay because anyone, including his fellow fans, within ear shot (LUCKY!!) who knows someone who has cancer or has been effected by that or any other HORRIBLE DISEASE gets to feel REALLY SAD! Uh…if only he accused the ref of being a homosexual! (IMAGINE pfft…homosexuals walking around…THATLL BE THE DAY!!!!) oh well…even the Mona Lisa’s falling apart****
GO TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh right blogging about the Ottawa Senators…ummm…lets see here:
– Sens stink until further notice
– leafs STINK all the time
– Whatever, you cant fire me/ask me to shovel the driveway me, because I’ve already been fired, already shovelled it, DAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!! *Slams door/Slams internet*

*not fucking laughing / not fucking hillarious at all.
**not implying that any of these REALLY FUNNY dudes would make such a tasteless joke. In fact, Jeff Dunham would come up with something little more racist puppetty I would think.
***God, can you here me? its me Margaret…anyway God, if you exist have mercy on this dumb asshole. Love, Margaret (me).
****Seems to be in good shape actually.


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