Pierre Gauther: Hey, Jay? Salut mon grand! C’est, P.I.M.P.G.
Jay Feaster: Yoooo, what it is bro, how’s that search for a perfectly bilingual NHL quality coach going?”
P.G.: Not all that well actually, turns out it really shrinks the talent pool considerably! Kind of counting on Guy Boucher getting fired. He’s like the AHL version of the coach we just fired but not as good…but…uhh…if that doesn’t happen…I don’t know, I’ll see what the press says, my strategy lately has been to just do whatever they say, you know?
J.F.: No, not really…
J.G.: Hmm, you haven’t tried that? Pfft, whatever dude, good luck. Those guys KNOW shit. How do you think they sell all those papers? By stirring shit up constantly? Anyway, that’s not why I’m calling, remember when I slept with your girlfriend after that rave in college? I feel super duper bad about that still and I want to make up for it. So, I’d like to give..I mean trade, TRADE you my best offensive player”
J.F: Whoa, whoa, puppy, puppy, no, no, nooo…too rich for my blood. That guy scored 39 goals here a couple of years ago. I am not giving up any of my top guys for him. No Iginla, no Glenncross, not Bouwmeester not EVEN dumps like Oli Jokinen or Alex Tanguay….and if you think Im gunna give one of our very few young players who are working out, like Giordano? You got another thing-
P.G.: *loudest exhale through nose* No, this isnt about a hockey deal, no, what we need is a culture change here in Montreal. Cammalleri, gives candid, articulate interviews with the press, always has, and frankly, we just cannot have that here. He expressed pretty reasonable displeasure with our vastly underperforming team and I need to make a knee jerk reaction like …right now.
J.F.: Weird, you’d think that’s the kind of rash but albeit impassioned comment that would show a player is rightly frustrated with himself and his teammates and is trying to spark things up in the locker room. That’s how it goes in a lot of other markets. Remember when Matt Bradley did the same thing in Washington and he was commended for being a leader for doing that?
P.G.: It’s actually against the law to follow the goings on of any other teams here in Montreal…how do you think we ended up with, Scott Gomez? *bursts out laughing…laughter subsides to soft tears*
J.F.: Okay, well, I’m glad to hear that because listen, I have just the thing for you. Okay, I have a player, hm’kay, you need a culture change? Players caring too much? Check this guy I’m about to put on the table. We have the hardest time getting him to give a shit about anything…
P.G.: Okaaaaay, I am LIKING what I’m heeeeaaaaring
J.F.: Here’s the kicker…wait till you hear his name…
P.G. Colline de bin de bobbi pin!
PG.: Sac a dos! Appelle la police! He’ll be perfect for the intense French media scrums!!
JF. *coughing loudly* Doesn’t speak French at all *cough* …ugh dry throat excuse me…its that Chinook air, you know? *cough cough* he’s from Alberta *cough*
PG: You alright?
J.F.: Oh, trust me, Im super great right now.
PG.: Good, so we have a deal?
JF Deal? …OH YES, A DEAL!…yes, definitely.
PG.: Outstanding, okay I have to go tell my boss at La Presse!
JF. The Feast…is ON. Peace.
PG & JF: *hang up simultaneously* Suck-errrrrrrrr