The monthly power rankings are a defunct feature here at Welcome To Your Karlsson Years, but it’s Hallowe’en and we decided to bring them out of retirement for one last job. If you’ve ever seen movies, you know this is always a huge success. Let’s go!
22) Patrick Wiercioch – Wiercioch is wearing a cheap fedora, Morpheus-style sunglasses, and a baggy trenchcoat while being flanked by a beautiful woman. It’s possible his costume is a commentary on Gamergate’s ideal vision of itself, which would be awesome, but more likely he’s trying to dress as anything else, which is why he’s last.
21) Chris Wideman – Chris Wideman is Ali G, which was probably cool ten years ago.
20) Mark Stone – Mark Stone is Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro, which probably wasn’t even cool ten years ago – seriously, does anybody remember Semi-Pro? – but he ranks above Wideman because Wideman looks like he had to source a few items and Stone literally just bought a kit off the Internet, because he almost won the Calder last year and DGAF. Take note, Wideman.
19) Alex Chiasson – Chiasson isn’t even the only Minion here, but he’s the only Minion that caused me to Google “mustard accident”.
18) Mika Zibanejad – Mika Zibanejad is… Cinderella? We’re into the “men dressing as women and making duck face” part of the power rankings. Come on, dudes. You wanna dress like a woman, go for it, but maybe put some thought into it instead of assuming it’s automatically hilarious. Let’s see if we can do better.
17) Milan Michalek – Okay, maybe not. I’m not exactly sure what Michalek is going for, although there’s a sash involved, and duck face, and he looks jacked as hell. I’m not comfortable with any of it, although I have to admit that kitten heel really does his calves a favor.
16) Zack Smith – Okay, strike three. Zack Smith is a Playboy bunny apparently, and he’s allowing himself to be groped by a lecherous old man, but we can all enjoy the idea of a man treating a woman as an object when it’s a woman pretending to be the man and a man pretending to be the woman, can’t we? It’s almost like it’s cancelling out all the sexism that has ever happened. Nice duck face, BTW.
15) Erik Karlsson – Strike four – oh, GET AT ME. This is a lousy costume. It looks like a garbage bag with a stump growing out of it, and Karlsson’s hair and makeup make him look less like Ursula than Paula Deen. This is drag Ursula. And before you give Karlsson credit for the full-body paint, just remember that dead girl in Goldfinger, and ask yourself if you want your captain taking that kind of risk. Finally, the Ariel-Ursula slash-coupling was only ever included as an alternate ending on the Japanese Blu-Ray, so for most people it isn’t canon. I will give Karlsson credit for the nylons, though; that’s a detail most guys – looking at you, Smith – would miss.
14) Mike Hoffman – Mike Hoffman is the Flash, presumably because he’s a fast skater, which is kinda fun but a little on the nose. It’s like if Craig Anderson dressed up as a wall, or Jared Cowen dressed up as a bank robber.
13) Jean-Gabriel Pageau – Pageau looks sorta like Rambo, which is an awesome costume if you’re six, but still fairly endearing when you’re a grown-ass man who’s only five-foot-six. Ammo belt donated by the Gatineau Boys and Girls Club.
12) Chris Neil – I have no idea what Chris Neil is dressed as, which places him squarely in the middle of these rankings.
11) Clarke MacArthur – MacArthur has disappeared from this picture – maybe he’s taking it, or at home resting comfortably and double-fisting mini Snickers – but he’s dressed as a monkey in sweatpants. Is he supposed to be that guy who brings hot food onto an airplane? The bro doing curls in the squat rack? Tyler Bozak? Like all good art, it’s up to you to decide.
10) Mark Borowiecki – Boro appears to be leading the only three-person costume team here, which is either the three blind mice, or maybe some kind of Country Bear Jamboroo. I can’t see his partner Jared Cowen anywhere in this picture, though, suggesting he either declined to participate or is still at home trying to pull his costume over [ed. note: 1000th Jared Cowen man bun joke deleted. Let’s all try harder.]
9) Bobby Ryan – Bobby Ryan is Waldo. Where’s Waldo, you ask? Where’s Bobby is what the scoresheet’s asking! Hey, listen, thanks for reading.
8) Curtis Lazar – Curtis Lazar is Alan, Zack Galifianakis’ character in The Hangover. Every picture of him in this costume features him staring ahead blankly, either because he’s really selling the character or because he has an “upper body injury”. What’s funny is that the baby in his papoose is a dead ringer for Lazar himself, so maybe this is supposed to be Curtis, as Alan, carrying Curtis, which makes sense because that’s about the age Lazar was when The Hangover came out. Seriously.
7) Cody Ceci – Cody Ceci is the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, although in this picture he just looks like David Crosby. Close up, you can see it’s a pretty good costume, although Ceci gives up before he gets to the bottom, settling for a pair of Wallabees last seen being worn by Walter White. Cody! Did you see Karlsson’s nylons? A leader leads all the way down to his skates.
6) Andrew Hammond – I’m pretty sure Hammond is the gorilla in the back, which makes sense, because he’s used to wearing a mask and has exhibited unpredictable behaviour that scientists will study for years. Did I already thank you for reading?
5) Marc Methot – Marc Methot is the other big guy in the back, right? In the Despicable Me costume? Is he dating that Minion? That’s not right.
4) Craig Anderson – Anderson is a ninja turtle and another offender in the “couple dressed as a same-sex platonic workplace duo” category. If I want to see Leonardo and Raphael dancing and grabbing each other I’ll go to a different, very specific bar, thank you very much. Unless Anderson is actually dressed as Mark Borowiecki, but you can’t dress like a teammate, can you?
3) Kyle Turris – Kyle Turris is a pair of scissors. Top three.
2) Shane Prince – Shane Prince is dressed as a young Chris Neil, which is the kind of upstart costume that would normally get you laid out by an old Chris Neil, except that Prince is a) currently making Chris Neil’s line look really good, and b) a western New Yorker who likes guns and hates body cameras. Let him cook, Chris.
1) Chris Phillips – I’m not exactly sure what Chris Phillips is going for here – he looks like some combination of Jimmy Zourntos, Popeye, and peak-heroin Jerry Garcia – but he looks silly and awesome and I’m giving Big Rig the W in what’s been a tough year for him. How tough? This isn’t even a costume – this is what he looks like now.
CORRECTION: a reliable source informs us that it’s Cowen, not Zibanejad, as Goldilocks, with Zibanejad in the Gru costume at the back. That’s duck face for you. Welcome To Your Karlsson Years deeply regrets the error.
POSTSCRIPT: not cool, Michalek.