Waking up this morning, I had the vague feeling that I missed a great party that everyone else except me was at. Ok, let’s check my phone and see if I can piece together what happened from the drunk texts I’ve received.

Player Intros

• Letting the crowd announce “Zuuuuuub!” themselves was great.
• Sens Theme Song is playing throughout this, and guess what: it still rips. Reject Timmy Trumpets, Embrace Tradition!
• Based on the crowd reactions, it seems that Giroux was a bigger off-season introduction than DeBrincat.
• Honestly, nice team introductions. Just the right amount of pomp and circumstance while still running through the team fast enough to keep things moving along, like a non-denominational wedding officiated by a friend of the bride and groom.
• The crowd pop for Beautiful Day/Alfie was palpable. Check out the smirk on this guy’s face. He knows he’s still got it.

• I would do anything if Daniel Alfredsson asked me to.

1st Period

• Claude Giroux scores 1:04 in to the game by sliding it through Swayman’s five-hole. Can’t say it’s the best goal I’ve ever seen, but it’s clear no one in Ottawa cares.
• Getting a team on the 2nd night of a back-to-back for the home opener is extremely good scheduling by Frank Senators. We should do that shit every year.
• Tkachuk gets a cross-ice pass from Stützle and goes shelf to make it 2-0 Senators in the first five minutes. Tkachuk is gonna have to jam some pucks into the goalie’s shinpads soon to throw people off the trail of his laser wrister.
• Norris just ripped it off the post on the powerplay. Norris is a guy who has had a slow start to the season (going two games in a row without a goal is simply unacceptable in this season of heightened expectations), so it was nice to be reminded of why the Senators “overpaid” for him in the off-season.
• Classic “your goaltender is your best penalty killer” penalty kill for the Senators. Thinking about becoming a big Penalty Kill Guy this year. No one cares about the penalty kill so I think I can get a lot of mileage out of saying shit like, “Sens need to force more dump-ins at the line” and “You need to take away that cross ice pass if you’re Hamonic.” and nodding sagely.
• Batherson makes it 3-0 after picking up a deflected puck next to a completely open net. Unfortunately the goal is called back due to goalie interference, as if part of a metaphor for how we are still awaiting the results of a league investigation to determine whether we can cheer for Batherson.
• Batherson scores again off a beautiful feed from Tkachuk behind the net. No more metaphors, just silent contemplation of our own complicity in hockey’s destructive culture which will excuse any amount of abhorrent or criminal behaviour as long as the person doing it has a sick clapper.
• Bergeron puts Boston on the board off an extremely broken play where Forsberg dropped his stick. If I was a goalie, I would simply hold onto my stick, but maybe I’m just built different.
• Stützle’s vision and passing is maybe the best I’ve ever seen on the Sens. All he sees is the code of The Matrix. Check out this pass to Chabot, who is at the top of the screen:

• Zub takes a late penalty, which means the Senators will start the 2nd period shorthanded. I’m almost certain that won’t be important, though.

2nd Period

• Boston scores on the powerplay 28 seconds into the 2nd period. Hamonic had one good opportunity to clear a rebound, but the puck bounced over his stick and Krejci picked it up and went shelf. I’m gonna go ahead and put that one down as “shit happens”.
• Here’s some other shit that just happened:

I’m not exactly Mr. Defensive Systems up in here, but I don’t think DJ Smith wants to allow wide open uncontested wristers from the middle of the ice. If we’re still seeing these types of defensive disasters in November or later, folks are going to start asking questions like, “What the fuck is this?” and “Are are you kidding me?” and “Does anyone have Barry Trotz’s phone number?”.

• This game was 3-0 Sens at one point, and now it’s 3-3. Crowd sounds like they just found out that the Canadian Tire Centre is out of beer and spring rolls.
• As if sensing the energy of a thousand Kanata dads practicing their post-game call into the Team1200, Parker Kelly drops the gloves for The Chris Neil Memorial Fight To Get The People Goin’. The crowd doesn’t exactly roar its approval so much as politely applaud the effort.
• Let’s talk about Josh Norris for a bit. He’s currently on a line with Giroux and DeBrincat, and while Giroux and DeBrincat have found more instant chemistry than the cold open for an episode of Breaking Bad, Norris has been more invisible than the fans of Skylar White during an episode of Breaking Bad. I don’t think it’s time to panic yet, and I can’t even think of a useful line shuffle at this point, but it’s clear that Norris needs figure out how his linemates operate and get in sync.
• The CTC finally witnesses the firepower of the fully armed and operational 3rd line, as Joseph and Pinto find themselves on a 2-on-1, and Pinto takes the pass from Joseph and buries the one-timer.
• I’m very undecided on the long-term viability of this 4th line, but I do appreciate that they play as if they realize that it’s ok to try to score when they’re on the ice.
• Stützle gets absolutely crushed from behind, and then gets up off the mat, and buries a pass from Batherson with a slick forehand-backhand move. Stützle’s father goes wild with excitement.

• Kastelic restores Ottawa’s 3 goal lead as some hard work from Joseph forces a turnover to Watson behind the Boston net and Watson finds Kastelic right in front of the net. I can’t remember the last time I saw a 4th line goal. It’s starting to feel a bit like 2007 in here!
• Boston cuts the lead to 2 off a big, uncontrolled rebound from Forsberg. Boston hasn’t exactly been carrying the play in this game, but they’ve certainly done a good job of taking advantage of Ottawa’s frequent defensive chaos.
• Pastrnak scores to make it 5-6 with 14 seconds left in the 2nd period. The puck deflects off DeBrincat’s stick and goes perfectly into the top corner. I’m going to generously call this a “Shit happens at 4-on-4” goal instead of a “Why does Pastrnak have so much time and space?” goal, but the Sens defensive play is officially On Notice after giving up 4 goals in one period.

3rd Period

• Here’s a guy who is having a pretty good night: Erik Brannstrom! He looks incredible with the puck. He always has his head up, looks confident, and skating looks like it’s gone to another level. I don’t know what this guy did in the off-season to put it all together, but it gives me hope that maybe someone like Tyler Boucher isn’t a lost cause yet.
• After two periods that were perhaps a little *too* exciting, it looks like both coaches have told their teams to cut that shit out and go back to playing hockey you can set your watch to.
• Some 4-on-4 hockey breaks out again to inject some more chaos into this game that has already seen 11 goals, and Tkachuk finds himself on a breakaway and hits the post. Another one that will go down as “missed the net” in the scoresheet.
• Speaking of chaos, Zub takes a pass from Batherson, turns Connor Clifton into his step-nephew in front of the net, and then goes glove side on Ullmark. We go now to the CTC’s live reaction:

We need to re-sign Zub off the combined strength of that goal and crowd reaction alone. He’s too important to the culture now.

• For the second game in a row, the Sens take a penalty late in the 3rd period with Giroux going off. Luckily the Sens kill it off with Forsberg making two saves, but I can’t say I love this trend of undisciplined penalties late in games.
• It looks like Boston is going to get two minutes of 6-on-5 time against a tired group of Ottawa skaters, but Bergeron bails Ottawa out by taking an interference penalty for no reason, and the Sens kill the game off with a powerplay where they barely even try to do anything interesting. Crowd goes wild, Sens win 7-5, see you in the parking lot.

The Wisdom

That was arguably the most untidy game Ottawa has played so far this season, but they got two points so I’m hoping we can all chill out about it.

Here It Is, Your Moment of Salieri