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The Hater’s Guide to Week 3

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This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, bringing the heat (not pictured: you, mad)

Me, bringing the heat (not pictured: you, mad)

Thursday, Oct. 22 – Senators vs. Devils

Times are tough in New Jersey, where the Devils, a team with a long history of being good without ever being entertaining, are now neither. An aging core and years of bad drafting have made the Devils a collection of old spare parts and young non-prospects; the team’s architect, GM Lou Lamoriello, directed them into long-term mediocrity so effectively that he has now been scooped up by the Leafs. When season previews for your team contain sentences like, “if all goes well, the Devils will get goals from Stempniak,” well, see you at the draft I guess.

It was easier to hate the Devils in years past, when they won Stanley Cups and concussed their rivals and were the second-most interesting thing in Newark after the airport. Now the Devils are just kind of there, like an old Dodge Caravan. Sure, it’ll get where it’s going eventually, but there’s nothing exciting about it and everyone on board seems tired and a little disappointed. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015-16 New Jersey Devils: a high-mileage Dodge Caravan where Mike Cammalleri is a first-line winger.

PREDICTION: The Senators have four days off to prepare for this game, which is sort of like getting six months of MMA training in order to put a six-year-old to bed. You just try not to psych yourself out first. Look for Mark Stone to score 22,000 points. Senators 5, Devils 0.

Saturday, Oct. 24 – Senators vs. Coyotes

The Coyotes only have six fans, but they all seem passionate. They are the kind of people who storm council meetings in cities they don’t live in and dress down municipal officials who aren’t supporting their team with other people’s tax dollars. They are the kind of people who believe in making ice in the middle of the most inhospitable landscape imaginable because they’re already diverting half the Colorado River to play golf. They look like the kind of people who have Crossfit-themed weddings where the couple screams their vows at each other, swinging kettlebells the entire time.

The Coyotes are bad, but apparently this is the plan. This year’s first overall pick is expected to be Auston Matthews, another one of those teenage hockey phenoms with a typo on his birth certificate, but in this case one with the added benefit of being from Arizona. Matthews is exactly the type of hometown star a struggling franchise in a non-traditional market needs to build around, which is exactly why the Coyotes will never win the lottery. They will try, though, sending out reheated cobbler like Steve Downie, John Scott, and Boyd Gordon, even trading for the $4.9M cap hit of a Hall-of-Fame dirtbag who hasn’t played in five years in order to reach the league salary floor without retaining any actual talent. The upshot is that the Coyotes have the second-lowest team payroll in hockey, with a roster put together like a home filled entirely with scratch-and-dent floor model furniture; you can see the scuffs and burn marks everywhere but the guy won’t shut up about how much money he saved. Then he spent it all on a cruise and stayed in his cabin puking the entire time.

PREDICTION: You know how it is when you’re a budget team with stupid uniforms being kept afloat by a franchise Swedish defenseman. Sometimes you have to go on the road and get your ass kicked by the Ottawa Senators. Senators 5, Coyotes 0.

Season prediction record: 3-2-1

Next week, two games against the team no Senators fan could ever hate: the Detroit Red Wings.

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The Hater’s Guide to Week 2

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This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, telling you (not pictured: you, in your feelings)

Me, telling you (not pictured: you, in your feelings)

Wednesday, October 14 – Senators @ Blue Jackets

I am told that the Columbus Blue Jackets are an NHL hockey team, but I have yet to see any actual proof. Yes, NHL.com has a few blurry photos at a distance of what looks like a hockey team, playing in the generically-named “Nationwide Arena” and wearing some kind of star-spangled logo that looks like it was mocked up for NHL 15 “Create Team” mode, or maybe a conservative think tank. But it all looks faker than the moon landing, and sure enough, my own Google image search for “Columbus Blue Jackets” only returns this picture. Now, I’m not saying the Columbus Blue Jackets aren’t real, even if they only turn out to be a collection of ex-Rangers in slightly different uniforms, but I can’t find any record of people discussing the Columbus Blue Jackets online, whereas I can find all kinds of people discussing, say, Microsoft Powerpoint. And any allegedly-real NHL club that only prompts you to think about Microsoft Powerpoint suggests, at a minimum, a real failure to street-team.

In fact, even though Wikipedia tells me Columbus is the “largest city in Ohio,” I’ve never heard of it either, and if you told me Columbus, Ohio was in fact a fake city invented as a corporate headquarters for some conglomerate like DuPont, I’d believe you. My point with all of this is that it’s very hard to actually hate the Columbus Blue Jackets, which seems at best to be like hating a vague and mostly improbable concept, like voting rights for dogs, as opposed to hating a real, tangible thing, like Powerpoint, which keeps changing my fonts when I start the slideshow and – there you go, they’ve got me doing it again.

PREDICTION: We all know what’s going on here. The Senators will travel to the same central Ohio warehouse where the moon landing was filmed, where, under the watchful eye of the NHL and the DuPont corporation, they’ll participate in a series of passing drills against the same plastic mannequins the Leafs practice against/employ on their blue line, which Sportsnet will then church up with some CGI and audio from a 2011 Senators-Rangers game and air, assuming you’re too drunk to notice the difference. And you probably will be. You may ask why the league would go to all this trouble to orchestrate a vast conspiracy around a fake eastern conference franchise, to which I’d ask if you’d rather go to Quebec City. Didn’t think so. Senators 5, Blue Jackets 0.

Thursday, October 15 – Senators @ Penguins

A lot has been made about how the Penguins (team motto: “Complaining: A Tradition of Excellence”) now have Sidney Crosby AND Evgeni Malkin AND ol’ hickory ham Phil Kessel, as if all these guys can score at the same time in some kind of pinball-style multi-puck bonus round. But they can’t, and as talented as the Penguins may look on paper, we don’t play hockey on paper, PIttsburgh, we play it on ice. And last time I checked, ice, though white like paper, is also colder, wetter, and harder. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear the Penguins complaining about this. It’s fine, this is normal.

I’d also like to point out that outside of its top six, this team has less depth than a Twilight novel. The next time you’re waiting in line at the bank or the bait shop, thinking about whether the Senators, who finished ninth in league scoring last year, can match up against a team like the Penguins, just repeat this phrase: “third-line centre Nick Bonino.” Feel better? Yuengling sucks, by the way.

PREDICTION: You may recall that during the last game between these two teams in April, the Senators rallied from a 3-0 deficit behind two Mark Stone goals to win 4-3 in overtime and keep their miracle run to the playoffs alive. The Penguins will certainly remember, so expect them to try to make sure this week’s game isn’t nearly as close. They’ll succeed, although that will mostly consist of following every Mark Stone takeaway by making the same faces to the referee as you’d see from a five-year-old being forced to eat a hard-boiled egg. Senators 5, Penguins 0.

Saturday, October 17 – Senators vs. Predators

The hack joke here is to suggest that Predators fans are a bunch of know-nothing hill people who only show up to watch foreigners shoot a puck they can’t even follow because they couldn’t get tickets to Clem T. Possumhole’s Biscuit Time Revue at the Opryland Casino BBQ, or something. This is incorrect, and shame on you. Most Nashvillians who follow the Predators are just like fans of any other non-traditional, out-of-market sport: knowledgeable, enthusiastic, even evangelical. In other words, they are exactly the type of hockey fans most Canadians pretend to be. Of course Nashville is going to win a Stanley Cup before any teams in Canada do.

That said, there are still a lot of valid reasons to hate the Predators. For God’s sake, their career points leader is David Legwand, or as he’s currently known in Buffalo, “the best part of the Robin Lehner trade”. Their first-line centre might be the biggest creep in the league, which is saying something, and the Predators are venal enough to employ him while simultaneously celebrating the character and humanitarian work of second-line centre Mike Fisher, as if this balances everything out. Their uniforms resemble the contents of a baby’s stomach. And Shea Weber, talented though he is, looks like a man who has probably eaten horse. Don’t worry, everybody. We can still hate our way through this.

PREDICTION: This game is in Kanata, which means there will likely be just as many country songs, faded Wranglers, and pickup truck-related arguments as if the game were held in Nashville. On the plus side, there will probably be fewer frosted sideburns. In any event, the Predators are the kind of western conference team Bobby Ryan used to dine out on, so if he doesn’t have five goals by the time this game rolls around, expect the rest on Saturday. Senators 5, Predators 0.

Season prediction record: 2-1-0

Next week: the fetid hellscapes of Glendale and Newark!

The Hater’s Guide to Week 1

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This is a new weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, shinin' (not pictured: you)

Me, shining (not pictured: you, seeing me shining)

Thursday, October 8 – Senators @ Sabres

Buffalo. People are saying Buffalo will be better this year, as if Buffalo could ever not be Bad, even when it’s better, as if God had never said “You know what, Buffalo, it is just not ever going to happen for you,” before going back to pummelling Buffalo with lake-effect snow. The only source of suspense in any Buffalo team’s sporting campaign is whether it will be honest with itself and lose immediately, or whether it will delay the inevitable right up until some kind of “wide right” or “skate in the crease” moment, as if this is somehow preferable. Yet Buffaloans (Buffaloafs?) persevere in the face of this abject loserdom, believing against all available evidence that their “star-crossed” history will only make eventual victory all the sweeter. This is asinine. Buffalo should never be an object of sympathy; it exists solely as a cautionary tale, reminding us of the universe’s inescapable nihilism.

Worst of all, I have heard tell of Senators fans with a soft spot for rival Buffalo, as if a common history of losing engenders some kind of kinship. This is the sort of weakness that’s supposed to be bred out of a species as it climbs the food chain. Any Senators fan that feels anything other than enmity for Buffalo is essentially telling you they’d think twice about climbing over a corpse to rescue themselves from a hole. Do not rely on these people.

PREDICTION: Some say that Robin Lehner has spent his summer gearing up to take revenge on the Senators in this game, presuming that the Robin Lehner Buffalo has traded for is some new version that never falters or melts down during emotional moments. I would say that if you liked the Robin Lehner that glowered at the Senators’ C-list defensemen after giving up yet another soft goal he may have been partially screened on, you’re going to LOVE this year’s Robin Lehner. Senators 5, Sabres 0.

Saturday, October 10 – Senators @ Maple Leafs

Okay, these guys already. You and I, we’ve developed a rapport at this point, right? So let me be real with you – ain’t nobody care about the Toronto Maple Leafs in 2015. The only people still making Leafs jokes in 2015 either need to fill four hours of drive-time radio or refer to Twitter favs as “paying the bills”. Except that a Leafs joke in 2015 is less like paying the bills and more like making rent by doing something unsavoury with your landlord. You immediately feel bad about yourself and think about going back to school. The rest of us recognize that the Leafs are just another long-mediocre hockey team whose last relevant game with the Senators took place when Ulysses S. Grant was still alive. We generally ignore them, just like we do the Florida Panthers, or HPV.

I will say this: the general sarcastic pessimism adopted by modern Leafs fans is a cunning defensive strategy, but make no mistake – deep down, they still believe that their Scrooge McDuck vault, nerdy front office, and new “Jack-O’-Lantern on November 15”-headed coach will eventually break the fifty-year wizard’s curse on their franchise as long as they secretly pretend it isn’t happening until the very last minute. In their defense, though, it used to be the last ten minutes.

PREDICTION: The Leafs are now officially “rebuilding” – technically, bulldozing a pile of old cinderblocks counts as “rebuilding” – which basically means this year’s team picture is a copy of last year’s but with leading scorer/ol’ hickory ham Phil Kessel crossed out and like six guys named Brad photoshopped in. Look for the Leafs to set the tone early in this game by showing off the medium energy of a team that’s determined to juuuuust play itself out of a top five draft pick. The only outstanding question here is which of Joffrey Lupul and Nazem Kadri will have the more convincing “Wait ’til I tell my Dad about this” sneer after getting punched in the face by Mark Borowiecki. Senators 5, Maple Leafs 0.

Sunday, October 11 – Senators vs. Canadiens

You wanna #actually hate somebody? Here you go. The Senators play the Habs three more times this year, which affords me several future opportunities to skewer the no-account dirtbags that comprise their roster and spend a moment speaking to you now about their entitled, dim-witted fans. No, that’s unfair, “entitled” is too strong; Habs fans are only entitled the way that a weird tinpot dictator trying to assert rule by divine right atop some disputed-zone trash heap is entitled. Hey Habs fans, you know what it’s called when you’re constantly taking credit for something that happened before you were born? Having a trust fund. You people are why Occupy happened.

They come by it honestly, though. Unlike the Leafs, who at least occasionally demonstrate some grasp of the concept of shame, the Habs try to obscure the fact that they haven’t won a Stanley Cup since Olden Tymes by doubling down on concepts like “tradition” and “heritage”, as if having fans that are actually in their seats before the puck drops is somehow reason enough to make their pre-game ceremonies longer every year. Living in such a high-gravitas enviroment year-round leads to strange decisions, though. Like, imagine if your team’s leader was a young, charismatic, Norris-winning, All-World defenseman that set an example on and off the ice, and then you didn’t make him captain? Crazy, right? But I guess that’s heritage for you.

PREDICTION: You may recall that the last time these two teams met in a meaningful game, the Senators were eliminated from the playoffs following a disallowed goal from Jean-Gabriel Pageau. Have you ever seen the movie Falling Down? Remember the scene where Michael Douglas takes a fast food restaurant hostage until he gets his G-D breakfast? Jean-Gabriel Pageau is Michael Douglas, and this game is that breakfast. Senators 5, Canadiens 0.

Next week: a bunch of mid-western teams with dumb-ass jerseys.

The WTYKY Guide to Summer Cocktails

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Here’s the thing about summer . . . it isn’t over yet. And when you think about fun summer moments, you usually picture a fun summery drink in your hand, don’t you? What with our western culture constantly emphasizing mindless drinking over genuine emotions and honest conversation? So let your friends at WTYKY help your summer go out with a bang – put down that stale Bud Light, drop that flask of Silent Sam, seal that jug of the blood of the unrighteous – by putting some Sens-themed jazz in your glass! Try our summer cocktails . . . with a twist! Get it?

The Colin Greening
2 oz gin
1 egg white
3 dashes orange bitters
½ oz simple syrup
½ oz lemon juice

Combine all ingredients over ice in a Boston shaker and shake vigorously for approximately five minutes, or until the egg white develops into a stiff foam. Strain into a highball glass, top with soda water and garnish with an orange wheel, then throw the drink away.

The Clarke MacArthur
2 oz Hpnotiq liqueur
1 oz dark spiced rum

Stir Hpnotiq with ice and strain into a martini glass. Note its bright blue colour with disgust. Slowly stir in dark rum until the drink takes on a reddish-black colour. Nod with approval. Garnish with a lime wedge and tell everyone how smart you are.

The Jared Cowen
1 lb mixed fruit (preferably sugary, e.g., apples, berries, melons, grapes)
1 oz champagne yeast

Mash all the fruit in a bucket and mix in the yeast. Leave under your basement stairs for at least six weeks before sampling. If mixture is foul and unpleasant, put it back and try it again the following year. Repeat annually until bucket is empty.

The Chris Phillips
1 caplet Robaxacet (Extra Strength)
1 oz Canadian whisky
1 pint Big Rig Gold

Drop the Robaxacet into a shot glass full of whisky and then drop the shot glass into the beer. Chug gingerly.

The Mike Hoffman
1 ½ oz premium tequila

Ask your bartender for a high-quality, aged tequila (it should say “extra anejo” on the bottle). Take a sip, then proclaim loudly that it’s too old and you’re not paying full price. Ask the bartender for a second drink and look confused when he says you won’t be able to afford it.

The Andrew Hammond
28 oz vodka (1 bottle)

This isn’t a cocktail but really more of a challenge. You’ll need 23 shot glasses and a few friends. Line up the shot glasses on the bar and fill each with vodka. Tell your friends you can consume at least 20. Ignore their doubts, drink rapidly, and feel awesome. Don’t worry about the hangover later.

The Bobby Ryan
2 oz grenadine
2 oz cream liqueur (e.g., RumChata)
2 oz blue curacao

Carefully pour ingredients into a chilled old fashioned glass in order, creating distinct red, white, and blue layers. Garnish with a small sparkler and American flag toothpick. Enjoy while trying not to think about your ex leaving you.

The Curtis Lazar
1 oz grenadine
½ oz lime juice
6 oz Sprite

Stir the grenadine and lime juice with ice in a Collins glass, then top with Sprite. Garnish with a maraschino cherry.

The Erik Karlsson
1 ½ oz gin
3 oz tonic water
1 slice cucumber

Say to yourself, wait a minute, isn’t this just a plain old gin and tonic? Then remember how much you always enjoy a really good gin and tonic, and how you underrate them only because they’re just consistently excellent. Resolve to make a gin and tonic so unique and so exceptional that it can’t be ignored. Resolve to make the Erik Karlsson of gin and tonics.

Sell your car and buy a ticket on the next flight to Stockholm. Get in an airport cab, hand the driver the rest of your money, and say, “Norr.” Watch him in the rear view mirror as he nods solemnly. Twelve hours later he will drop you at the side of an abandoned mining road, 25 miles north of the tree line, and utter his first and only words to you, “Du måste gå resten,” before turning around and driving away. Begin walking, until the road gives way to tundra, until the tundra turns to permafrost, and until the permafrost fades into ice. Build a fire with anything you can collect and fall into a shallow, dreamless sleep. When you awake, notice the robed and wizened man standing nearby, pointing silently toward the mountains. Climb. After several hours, when you are frostbitten and snowblind, you will see, on a distant peak, a small juniper bush growing impossibly out of the rock and snow. Collect its berries, then distill them with grain alcohol in an artisanal copper pot still.

Travel south until you reach a road, where the cab driver will be waiting for you. He will drive, wordlessly, back to the airport where he will hand you an envelope. Inside will be a one-way ticket to Bolivia. When you land, walk through the airport until a burlap sack is thrown over your head and you are hustled, at what feels like the point of a rifle, into the bed of a pickup truck. When you are unhooded hours later around a rebel campfire, earn the trust of your captors by telling the only Quechua joke you know and graciously chewing the coca leaves they offer. Trade your watch for a knife. When the military storms the camp that night, killing rebels all around you in a hail of gunfire, stagger into the darkness of the jungle with the only other survivor, a 15-year-old boy named Paucar. Realize he is bleeding badly from his leg. As he dies in your arms at sunrise, mop his brow while, with his final breath, he whispers directions to the nearest airstrip. Wander the jungle for hours, sobbing and chewing fistfuls of coca leaves. Just as delirium begins to set in, find yourself in a small grove, beams of sunlight breaking through the jungle canopy to illuminate a lone cinchona tree. Using your knife, strip its bark, then grind it into a fine powder to extract its quinine. Mix with artisanal sparkling water.

Find the airstrip and barter your knife for passage in the hold of a cargo plane. When you finally make your way home, write a best-selling account of your ordeal. Watch as publishers fight to give you a seven-figure advance for your second book. Buy your car back. One night on your book tour, at a bar in some dark, snowy city like Grand Forks, drink that fifth Scotch and soda and muster the courage to talk to the woman sitting next to you, silently nursing the same glass of white wine for three hours. Move too quickly. Buy a colonial farmhouse in Maine. Watch her start a mail-order heirloom seed company while you spend 12 hours a day in the attic, chain-smoking in front of an old Remington typewriter as you realize you have no new ideas for your second book. Frequently refer to the process as a “difficult birth” and laugh bitterly. When she comes upstairs one day and tells you not to worry so much, scream at her about who’s actually paying for those seed packets and throw your ashtray through the dormer window. Watch her leave through the hole in the glass. Do the Andrew Hammond by yourself, then crawl into bed and sleep for a week. Wake up and notice that all her things are gone, except for a small packet of non-GMO Longfellow organic cucumber seeds. Plant them behind the gazebo and start writing a novel about a man who comes to terms with his life and ultimately burns down a Maine colonial farmhouse. When you’re finished, harvest a single cucumber. Cut a ¼-inch slice using an artisanal paring knife.

Combine ingredients with ice in a tumbler and stir. Enjoy.

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Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – May 2015

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May is a land of contrasts. The Senators of summer – those deathless kings of the beach, chowing down on foot-long hot links aboard their Sea-Doos – have yet to emerge fully, only now poking their heads out after a long winter like so many baby robins. Yet with the season finally over and emotions from the first round just beginning to fade, the last thing we feel like talking about is actual hockey, isn’t it? We’re all gradually disengaging from the game, remembering only to check in on each increasingly-satisfying Habs playoff loss, ready for something, anything different.

May is not the time for 3,000 words about why black-on-black doesn’t work for Patrick Wiercioch, is what I’m saying. So no ruminations this month, no philosophy, no prose – ten quick hits and we’re out. Let’s go!

1) Erik Condra (last month: NR)

https://instagram.com/p/08ehtTuhd9/


“Goodnight to the rock ‘n roll era” – some band, probably

We’re sending off pending UFA Erik Condra the only way we know how, at the top of the power rankings one last time. Goodnight, sweet Michigan prince. Flights of angels will sing thee to thy rest, on the third line in LA, or Chicago, or some other team with an analytics department and $1.5 million dollars.

2) Erik Karlsson (last month: 1)



We could talk about Karlsson-family secondary sex characteristics and genetic predispositions to wispy facial hair, or how Karlsson’s brother looks like Jeff Sweedy, but I just want to point out one thing. The man on the right has the genes of an elite Swedish defenseman, and he’s taller. The last time the Senators had a guy like that, they traded him for Kyle Turris. Bryan! Call up Kenny Holland and tell him you’ll give him a Karlsson for Anthony Mantha! I could be a GM.

3) Cody Ceci (last month: 8)



“I’ll use your tub for as long as I want, thanks. Pay you? Bro, you should be paying ME for this. What do you mean you’re closed tomorrow?”

4) Telling a Sad Short Story Through Official Team Merch (last month: NR)

“For sale, playoff towels, used thrice.”

5) There is No #5 This Month (last month: NR)

6) Curtis Lazar (last month: NR)

I have to admit I was a little disappointed when I saw Courteous Lazar being photographed with an unwashed truck this month. After all, this is a guy who shows up to interview day with healthy snacks, throws gentle shade at his billet’s hairline with adorable marker sketches, and even manages a winning smile when he’s caught in a candid during a night out with his orthodontist. Then he goes to Carp for bingo but can’t be bothered to wax his Ford Venator-class Star Destroyer the next day? Didn’t we scout this guy carefully?

7) Chris Phillips (last month: NR)

Why does Chris Phillips NEED to play hockey next year, anyway? He’s already hit the sweet spot most players only dream of when they’re grinding it out in junior; entrepreneur, dad-charity stalwart, beloved local icon holding court with a double-double everywhere he goes. He’s basically Ottawa’s Johnny Bower, but with 50 more years to enjoy it. So just enjoy it, Chris, and think about how furious we’ll all be when you’re gone, and the team immortalizes you with a #4 under the ice, and some dumbass blogger makes a cheap, tasteless joke about it.

8) David Legwand (last month: 3)

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We talked last month about how David Legwand is a man cheerfully out of time, a man without social media or a tinker’s cuss about what the younger generation thinks. Add a comb to that list, I guess. Christ, Legwand. You look like Bobby Ryan if he got frozen in a glacier for 20 years with a pair of jeans from the 90s.

9) Our Friend, Amelia (last month: NR)

actual art

Second-last but not least, we’d be remiss if we didn’t salute Amelia L., who’s moving on as the managing editor at Silver Seven after several years of making it the go-to blog for Sens analysis, insight, and a number of other things that have nothing to do with WTYKY. Amelia helped a number of great young writers get into blogging and was never afraid to take a chance on a highly-unpopular feature. Best of luck with what’s next, Amelia; you will be missed.

10) Andrew Hammond (last month: 4)

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Is it possible that a man who uses a selfie stick could still be paid a lot of money very soon? Sure, what the hell – see you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; hot tips; the classic combo of white socks and grey sweats; when the prom chaperones can’t tell you’re high AF; getting shaved by a bear; tweeting while slumped against your condo door, oranges casually spilling out of your overturned brown grocery bags as well-heeled neighbours hurry to the elevator.

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – April 2015

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I’m not gonna lie to you, folks – the Senators’ social media was pretty thin gruel this month. Is it time to retire the power rankings? The paper-thin conceit upon which we’ve always relied is that when social media lets us observe our favorite Senators in their natural environments – the golf course, the boat show, the bottomless scampi basket – it lets us understand them more as hockey players, and maybe even understand ourselves in the process. But what happens when the players start turning the tap off? When tweets become less and less frequent, Instagram accounts go private, and the real action ends up being lost in the ether of Snapchat? Do I need to get a cellular telephone now?

I mean, are they on to us? On the ice, this past month was probably the most successful the Senators have ever had, and yet in the past, those sorts of good times usually translated into at least a few players tweeting blurry pictures involving a stretch Hummer, coconut Skyy, and a guy who looks suspiciously like Gordon Lightfoot. Not this month, though. Have we disrupted a delicate ecosystem by observing it too closely? Have we breached the Prime Directive? Does anyone remember laughter?

So is it time to shut this operation down? Convince me otherwise, guys. Convince me that there’s still some profligacy and a lack of self-awareness in the world, as long as we look closely enough. Convince me, one more time, that the only thing keeping us all from living our best lives . . . is us.

1) Erik Karlsson (last month: 1)



Whatever, that’s like, the cheap Lambo.

2) Partying with dogs (last month: NR)

Let’s dial down our expectations a little, maybe. We all have dogs. How have our favorite Senators recently been partying with dogs? Let’s find out.

https://instagram.com/p/0lfr53uRLI


Okay, this doesn’t look like much of a party, although in this guy’s defense, he does have a concussion (the man, not the dog). MacArthur is more excited than Apollo here, perhaps because he’s looking forward to his morning garbage can full of cereal in the background.

https://twitter.com/moniiCxo/status/582562049584050176

Also not much of a party, because it’s not clear Mike Hoffman’s bulldog is fully on-board with his particular brand of amorousness. It’s not exactly discomfort; it’s more of a perfunctory expression, like when you’re still mad about the fight over the credit card statement earlier but he’s making a big show of kissing you in front of everyone at the dinner party that you couldn’t cancel. Come on, Hoffman. Don’t put her on the spot like that, especially when you’re only moralizing about her Visa charges because you bought those new Callaways with cash. That’s right, she saw them, hidden in the garage behind the snow tires. So stop being such a jerk and just back off for a couple days.



Okay, it looks like this is as turnt as we’re going to get this month, and it still involves a large man tenderly kissing a small dog, in this case right after mastering the seamless “just turn everything off for three seconds” beatmatch. Forget it, let’s move on.

3) David Legwand (last month: NR)



Maybe we need to consider less usual suspects, so let’s consider David Legwand. David Legwand doesn’t participate in social media, probably because he’s old enough to remember polio. We can see how this decision sets him apart from Mike Hoffman, a man nine years his junior, in this Hoffman selfie – there’s no scarf, no product placement, no carefully styled hair . . . just a man, going about his business, probably reading Field and Stream.

It’s nice to find a throwback every now and then, isn’t it? To know that some people stay true to themselves rather than chase every little trend? Remember when K-cars were everywhere and ugly? The worst, right? But how awesome is it in 2015, the rare time you see a working K-car still on the road, its driver hanging a cigarette out the window in the middle of February? “I bet that guy parties,” you say. That K-car is David Legwand in this picture.

4) Andrew Hammond (last month: 6)

Hey, you can be 15-1-1, but that doesn’t mean the big sponsorships start rolling in right away. This tweet is great because it gives us an athlete who could not be more popular right now plugging a company that could not have less juice. It’s like seeing Harrison Ford shilling for invisible Japanese beer, or getting Erik Karlsson in your web commercial after you let him sit in your rented Lambo.

5) Bobby Ryan (last month: 5)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMURdTVQXRw

Yup, even the alleged swagger from our #1 this month turned out just to be product placement. Karlsson didn’t bother to hashtag the company, though. That’s juice. Less juice? When you make $7M a year but have to hang around an H&R Block in full gear hugging strangers, and Lazar still comes off more likeable than you, because of course he does. How many takes do you think they filmed for this commercial? Two?

6) Kyle Turris (last month: NR)

Karlsson and Ryan’s cheesy commercials remind us how low-budget, how milk-and-water, how ordinary the Senators were this month. So hang on, because now we’re entering the “Stars: They’re More or Less Similar to Us!” chunk of these rankings.

turrisHere’s the Senators’ #1 centre in his role as celebrity pitchman for his city’s fancy new department store. Pretty cool, right? Sure, until he starts making clarifying remarks about NCC road closures. How Ottawa is that?

7) Patrick Wiercioch (last month: NR)

https://twitter.com/PattyW46/status/574263997563867136

Then there’s his buddy Patrick, making his first tweet in seven months, but only because he lost his wife in that same department store. Patrick! It happens! Maybe do some browsing while you’re there? Maybe buy some slim-leg trousers that don’t look like you could use the cuffs to sail a Bermuda-rigged sloop?

8) Cody Ceci (last month: NR)

hat

Okay, this guy wins.

9) Following the rules (last month: NR)

Fine, I can accept that the Senators clearly didn’t do anything exciting last month, but at least they won the games, right? And at least they didn’t lecture us about how we were celebrating those victories inappropriately, right? Wait, they did? Well that tears it.

Look, burger-throwing is silly, but it’s a relatively harmless and definitely short-term bit of fun, not to mention one of the only Senators fan rituals I can think of that actually developed organically following a variety of ham-fisted attempts by the team. The same team, by the way, that was more than happy to promote said burger-throwing by playing up some now-iconic moments. But then somebody pointed out that some moron also threw a Filet-O-Fish, and everyone agreed that was gross, so all the fun had to stop immediately. You know how the conversation went, too:

“The fans are going to think we’re typical, no-fun Ottawa if we tell them to stop throwing burgers. How do we sell this?”

“Get Karlsson to do a video. He’s cool.”

“You’re right, he took some pictures in a rented Lambo the other day. Good idea. But who does the French?”

“Chiasson?”

“Can’t, he’s serving a double-minor for high-sticking right now.”

” . . . it’s 10:15 in the morning.”

“Weird, right?”

“Okay, Pageau?”

“Who?”

“Ah, let’s just get Methot.”

“Perfect, those guys have great chemistry. I’m sure neither will look completely embarrassed telling fans how to celebrate responsibly now that the team’s finally put together a few wins after underachieving for most of the year. Alright, margaritas?”

“Again, 10:15 in the morning.”

10) Mark Stone (last month: NR)

https://twitter.com/jetpack/status/578945884345364480

Is Mark Stone in a state of urinary urgency the appropriate note to end on? Sure, what the hell – see you next month! Maybe.

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; when knitting looks more realistic than your bobblehead; #wood.

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – March 2015

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Surprisingly, the Senators did their jobs ON the ice in February, but let’s cut right to the chase – did they do their jobs OFF the ice? Why are you even wasting time reading this introduction, let’s go!

1) Erik Karlsson (last month: 2)

This picture’s great because you’ve got the grizzled veteran, gradually accepting the footsteps of the generation coming up behind him, and the young up-and-comer, wondering how he’s going to be taken seriously as an actor after Titanic.

You wanna know why Bryan Murray kept Erik Condra around as a “glue guy”, as an “in-the-room guy”? Because Bryan Murray demands the best from his players and knows how to light a fire underneath them. He knows that Erik Condra wins these power rankings most of the time, and every now and then that absurdity provides Erik Karlsson with the necessary motivation to pull his phone out and show us how the other half really lives. So what are the superstars doing this month?

Getting free, unsolicited caricatures! Us regular folks gotta pay $15 down at the boardwalk for one of those, and for some reason we always get drawn holding a golf club, even though we specifically said we don’t golf. Take some more pride in your work, $15 caricature guys.

Texting while driving in inclement weather! What, you think that kind of multi-tasking is a bad idea? You’re looking at a guy who survived an early-season pairing with Mark Borowiecki; he can steer out of a skid with one hand.

Volunteering with seniors! They just have so much to teach us, y’know?

Wearing sushi shorts! Only 110 euros with shipping, not including customs. Remember: when someone takes your picture in these babies, the pro move is to keep the quadruple Bay Breeze in your right hand just out of frame.

Weighing in on Tom Waits’ discography! Because just when people try to peg you as a Swedish fancy boy who only like EDM and tasteful, beardy neo-folk, let ‘em know you spent last Friday night listening to wild hobo rasps over banged garbage-can lids! Keep them guessing!

Seriously, Erik Karlsson could and should win these rankings every month. But it’s like the Norris – once you’ve won once, you’ve got to be better the next time, even if you’re still the best. And that means that more often than not, someone good-enough, like Erik Condra or P.K. Subban, gets sucked into the very vacuum you create.

2) Erik Condra (last month: 1)



Aren’t you from Michigan? Put your barbecue next to the patio door, Condra.

3) Bryan Murray (last month: NR)

Russell Crowe IS Bryan Murray in the upcoming biopic "Shawville Redemption".

Russell Crowe IS Bryan Murray in “The Shawville Redemption”.

We’ve looked at life from both sides now, so let’s move on to the man who’s agreed to keep Eriks major and minor together, at least for a few more months. We’ve already broken down, though beard-stroking consensus, why Murray’s inaction at the deadline was the right approach, but make no mistake – he’s got plans. Trading half his roster to the Oilers? Possible. Signing Andrew Hammond to an eight-year deal? Not out of the question. Continuing to gaslight Patrick Wiercioch? Of course. Making Jared Cowen the NHL’s first player-coach since 1970? That one might be the most likely, actually. Did you know he’s 6-5?

4) Marc Methot (last month: NR)

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Then there’s the other planet orbiting Karlsson’s sun this month, Marc Methot. They sure played up the bromance angle when Methot re-signed, didn’t they? You saw this interview, right? Marc Methot eats early! Tips sparingly! Wears simple clothes! Erik Karlsson stays up late! Spreads his cash around! Dresses like a medieval falconer! But when this odd couple gets together on the ice, it turns out they’re made for each other! I mean, I know these two are now together until 2019, but I’m just saying – nobody ever asked Filip Kuba what he thought about Karlsson’s cranny of hair products.

When these two are pending free agents in four years, will they negotiate with the Senators, or the Las Vegas Black Dice, as a unit? Will their pairing be threatened before that, when Jared Cowen ascends to his destined status as the team’s #1 shutdown defenseman? Will Karlsson ever convince Methot to buy a $500 t-shirt? We’ll soon find out.

5) Bobby Ryan (last month: 4)

https://twitter.com/b_ryan9/status/566422923448029185
https://twitter.com/b_ryan9/status/566819451732262913

Remember what I said last month about finding restaurants no matter where you live? There you go.

Now that Bobby Ryan is finally a homeowner and official resident of Ottawa for (up to) seven years, how else do you think his life is going to change? Will he have his own hot take about the city’s false starts with light rail? Quietly set the high score on Addams Family pinball at House of TARG? Get us a Chipotle?

We all watch the Bachelor – the whirlwind courtship is exciting, but it’s just the theatrical run-up to what’s (ideally) a long-term journey of love. The cameras are off now – no more helicopter rides, no more roses, no more decisions – just Bobby Ryan and the city of Ottawa, alone at last, figuring out a life together. What will they talk about? How will they change each other? And really, what are you more excited about – watching Bobby Ryan develop his on-ice chemistry with Mika Zibanejad over the next few years, or watching him argue with idiots on Twitter about the city’s best sharwarma joint?

6) Bow ties (last month: NR)

Last month, the Sens Foundation held its annual Sens Soirée youth charity event at the casino (official motto: “the only place the Senators ever hold anything”); the theme was “Dixie Bound”, which basically meant all the players wore the same bow tie, just as one would at any antebellum gala, or maybe a boys’ choir recital. What’s that? A worst- and best-dressed list? Okay, if you say so.

WORST!

#3: Robin Lehner
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These two aren’t badly dressed per se, but they look like they’re going to spend all night smoking kreteks, make a few nihilistic remarks, and then leave in a hovercraft. They terrify me.

#2: Kyle Turris
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Kyle Turris goes for a fashion-forward cutaway collar that ends up drowning out his bow tie. Kyle! You look like Vincent Price!

#1: Marc Methot
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This suit looks like it’s made out of a barbecue cover.

BEST!

#3: Erik Karlsson
null
Obviously.

#2: Milan Michalek
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Check out Purplesaurus Rex over here. These kinds of bold violet shades, worn carelessly, can make one look like a Dick Tracy villain, but Milo pulls it off by keeping things simple and ends up looking dressed to (penalty) kill. Thanks for reading.

#1: Andrew Hammond
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Be honest: on February 5, when this picture was taken, you had no idea who this guy was, right? He’d been an emergency call-up a week before, hadn’t played a game, and spent most of his time wearing a mask, for crying out loud. But when you look closer, you see the confident gait of a man who knows you’re going to know exactly who he is very soon, don’t you? Why else would he come stag?

7) Chris Phillips (last month: 5)

https://instagram.com/p/zVehtnxCXX/


Good on Big Rig for street-teaming their merch like this, but would YOU trust a first responder showing up to your emergency repping everybody’s favorite neighborhood brewpub? Like, “sorry, I don’t have the tools to cut you out of that car, but you’ll need “jaws of life” to wrap your mouth around this signature 8-oz. chipotle turkey burger! … I agree, that is a lot of blood.”

8) Jean-Gabriel Pageau (last month: NR)



Yeah, he’s a little short to be an enforcer, but let’s be honest: he could probably still knock Kassian on his ass.

9) Curtis Lazar (last month: 7)

Curtis Lazar – he’s just like us! Here we see Lazar, who’s previously used Twitter to show himself doing normal-dude things like driving around, helping friends move, and winning the world junior championships, taking a ball in the face from Chris Phillips’ daughter. Unfortunately, the video cuts out before one of Chris Neil’s kids steps up and lays her out shortly thereafter. You have to send a message with that kind of crap.

10) Mike Hoffman (last month: 10)



Speaking of short, Vince Carter is 6-6. Mike Hoffman’s player page on NHL.com lists him as 6-0. Sure, what the hell – see you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; when Val Kilmer crashes your date; when people don’t get the “Seger in ’75” thing you’re going for; when you don’t notice the even more awesome “LUVALOT” plate behind you; when you won’t stop bothering the mayor; when even your spitting is perfect; when you tan so hard your swim trunks disappear; when Morgan Freeman says “BAWBEH RYEH” and everything’s okay, for a second.

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – February 2015

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One of the things I’ve come to look forward to during the doldrums of winter and the despondency of another unsuccessful season is the reprieve afforded by events like All-Star Weekend and the Winter Olympics. There’s nothing like a week-long break from watching your favorite NHL team lose more games than it wins, especially when its replacement is superstars palling around and playing world-class hockey. And for the guys who had to stay home? Surely they got up to all kinds of crazy things during their time off, right? Let’s find out!

1) Erik Condra (last month: 1)
condraAre you just doing this interview so you won’t get fined?

2) Erik Karlsson (last month: 4)
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If you’re like me, you felt a warm, nostalgic glow swell within you when you saw this picture of a 12-year-old Erik Karlsson, only to have it dissipate gradually into a subtle but unshakeable feeling of familiar, quiet dread. Because ultimately, this picture reminds us that, like you, like me, like our loved ones, like the Ford Focus we’re still paying off, Erik Karlsson is getting older. Less time elapsed between the day this picture was taken and Erik Karlsson’s draft day than between his draft day and today.

This picture reminds us that having a plan is important. We look at this picture of a 12-year-old Erik Karlsson the way, soon, we’ll look at a picture of the 24-year-old Erik Karlsson, as a snapshot in time, a brilliant moment gone forever. When we remember that, how should we spend our time together? As a series of stops and starts, not-quites and good-enoughs, until all that’s left is pictures? Or in a considered, respectful way, a way that recognizes we’re on an all-too-brief journey with the only 24-year-old Erik Karlsson that will ever exist? This picture reminds us that Erik Karlsson, the hockey player, isn’t a tangible asset; he’s a palm full of sand we can only hold for so long.

A Senators fan has two reactions to this picture. The first is “Awwwwww.” And the second, whispered, is “Hang on, Karl. We’ll get you some help.”

3) Kyle Turris (last month: NR)

Just what the world needs, another smartass 25-year-old Hill staffer.

4) Bobby Ryan (last month: 7)

https://twitter.com/jetpack/status/559047798645985280
All-Star Weekend is a good reminder that, if you’re an NHL superstar, it really doesn’t matter where you live. We all move to take a job somewhere, start a family, travel for work too much, and have a little neighborhood Italian restaurant we think is our secret, and that experience is largely similar in any number of cities, whether that’s Pittsburgh, Tampa, Raleigh, or Ottawa. The Senators are offering seven years and $50 million? Let’s do it – we’re already here, and I love the chicken parm at that place around the corner.

If you’re an NHL superstar it doesn’t matter what city you choose to make your home in, because the real party, the get-together with your colleagues with whom you share so much in common, only happens once a year, always in a different city. We’re doing it in Columbus this year? Sure, why not – Foligno keeps telling me about the osso buco at this hole-in-the-wall red sauce joint he likes.

All-Star Weekend reminds us that we can be comfortable living almost anywhere, as long as we make plans to get together with old friends every now and then. Where you go almost doesn’t matter; pick a city, pick a weekend, and it’ll be just as fun as it was last year. It’s a worthwhile break from work, and when you go home, wherever that is, you’ll always have the pictures, and you’ll still have that great local pizza margherita waiting for you.

5) Chris Phillips (last month: 8)
null

Chris Phillips had his bobblehead night at the Canadian Tire Centre last month, and I’m just going to let James take the mic for this one:


6) Mark Stone (last month: NR)

Welcome to the power rankings, Mark Stone! Everybody talks about how Mark looks like Quentin Tarantino, but for some reason no one’s asking why he looks nothing like his brother. Anyway, here’s Mark reviewing the point totals of Ottawa’s pending RFA forwards:

RFA


Lookin’ good, Mark!

7) Curtis Lazar (last month: 5)

See, this is how Spezza and Heatley fell out.

If you hadn’t already heard, Curtis Lazar went and won himself a gold medal as the captain of Canada’s world junior team, putting him in the esteemed company of teammates Mika Zibanejad, Kyle Turris, Clarke MacArthur, and Chris Phillips (twice!). For a guy who’s still only got one goal in 34 NHL games, things are pretty good for Curtis Lazar at the moment, huh? He just turned 20, his GM thinks highly enough of him not to trade him for three months of Antoine Vermette, and gas prices are so low right now he can literally just drive around all day. It’s almost enough to make you forget how young Lazar really is, until you see him looking like he’s a ward of the Big Brothers program on his way to the All-Star game or dressed like Tintin as he rides cheerfully on the back of a flatbed cart.

So what’s the next phase for Lazar? When does he have to start answering the tough questions about expectations, about performance, about finding his own condo? Next year, right?

Okay, probably never.

8) Mika Zibanejad (last month: NR)

We can compare and contrast the profile Lazar enjoys with that of fellow gold medallist and first-rounder Mika Zibanejad. Whereas Lazar is already universally beloved, we see here that after three years in the NHL, Zibanejad, though popular, still hasn’t risen above being co-billed with war criminals Florida Georgia Line, although he does manage to grab headlines over Rob Schneider. But hey, even Alfredsson needed ten years to win this city over, right?

9) AR-15 Rifles


Here we see J-G Pageau and Cody Ceci at the range, each having chosen a rifle Wikipedia describes as “popular among civilian shooters and law enforcement forces around the world due to [its] accuracy and modularity.” Wikipedia goes on to note that the AR-15 features a “butt stock that [does] not swell or splinter,” suggesting it may also be a good choice for Marc Methot. Thanks for reading.

10) Proving you’re close, personal friends with Jake Gyllenhaal
https://twitter.com/moniiCxo/status/559915113621504000
Sure, what the hell. See you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; missed connections; setting your filter to “Spanish-Language Romance Novel Cover”; when keeping it 100 goes wrong.

The Ottawa Senators Jersey Buyer’s Decision-Making Flowchart

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I would say the most common question people ask me – or the most common after “Chet, does this look like eczema?” – is about which Ottawa Senators jersey they should buy. And I get it, it’s a big purchase. You don’t want to drop a week’s salary at the cannery on a shirt with a guy’s name on it only to have that guy be traded to Columbus a week later, or worse, continue being Alex Kovalev. At the same time, the player you choose sends a message to your fellow fans – are you looking for a superstar whose jersey you can pop every time he scores a goal? Do you want to demonstrate your extensive knowledge of the team with an off-the-radar choice? Was there something about Zenon Konopka that resonated deeply with you?

These are all important questions, but you can only answer the same question so many times before you become frustrated and get thrown out of a baptism, as I was last week. So I thought the best way to help you make the right choice would be to diagram the appropriate decision-making process in a flowchart. This is that flowchart.

(click to enlarge)

sens

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – January 2015

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Thanks for coming, everybody. Let’s get started.

1) Erik Condra

C’s first Christmas tree 💞🎄🎅🎁 He couldn’t be more excited!!!! 🙊 @econdra22

A photo posted by Ryan Condra (@ryan_r_condra) on Dec 12, 2014 at 1:34pm PST



Even though the power rankings have been gone for a few months, we’re rebooting them in the traditional way, which is with Erik Condra winning. I know what you’re saying; Chet, Erik Condra is from Michigan, there’s no way that’s his first Christmas tree. Yet so often we forget the sacrifices these men have to make to get to the NHL.

2) Dave Cameron

“Knock knock, Legwand!” “Who’s there?” “Killa Cam!” “Killa who?” “Killa Cam! Hustler! Grinder! Gorilla! True? You’re off the PP, by the way.”

You know how it is when you get a promotion. There’s just a little more spring in your step those first few days, a little more volume in your voice, a little extra twist in your coffee order. You’ve earned that nutmeg, buddy! Even at work, you look at the mess your predecessor left you only with optimism, like a half-assembled IKEA bed you’re convinced you can salvage. There’s a way to make those flimsy, disparate parts work together, and you’re going to figure it out.

After a month, is Dave Cameron still in this first stage? Or has he already transitioned into the second stage of being the maybe-interim coach a bubble team, where optimism gives way to weary resolve, and he starts showing up at press conferences with the drawn, far-eyed stare of a man who believes that if he can just crest that next hill, maybe he can roll forever? It’s the look you see on the face of aging gunslingers, and most dads.

In coaching’s circle of life, of course, eventually even that resolve is just replaced with a sarcastic twinkle, which is pretty much where Paul MacLean lived for the last year. But for now, never lose that feeling, Dave Cameron. Stay positive, stay hopeful, eyes and heart and mind opened as wide as you can, as long as you can, as long as they’ll let you. There will be a game in March, in Winnipeg, on the second half of a back-to-back, where every defensive assignment will be blown, every forward lazily caught offside, every player limping tiredly back to the dressing room, when you’ll be tempted to close them. At that moment, do your best to remember these days, Dave Cameron, driving home through Stittsville, CHEZ 106 just a little louder than usual, nutmeg in your cup.

3) Paul MacLean

No, that’s not my daughter. Let her cook, though.

You know how it is when you get fired. The last thing you want to do is give anyone the impression that your life isn’t an uninterrupted stream of success. So you put some new suits on your line of credit; you act like you’re on an important call when you see a former co-worker at Farm Boy; you actually start returning wine bottles so the neighbours don’t see how many are piling up in your blue box. Or, if you’re Paul MacLean, you say to hell with appearances and just keep showing up at the rink even though you’re being paid not to work, like any other disgruntled buyout, or the Edmonton Oilers.

Paul MacLean has made no secret of the fact that he thinks the Senators gave him a raw deal, and when he finds another job, which he will, he’s going to do everything he can to show them up, as he should. Because when he’s behind the bench next year in Columbus, or Phoenix, or Philadelphia and the Senators come to town, you don’t think his new team will be jumping over the boards a little quicker knowing they’re facing the team that thought their coach over-deployed Chris Neil? Yeah.

4) Erik Karlsson

Erik Karlsson used to win these rankings almost every month. But you know what? He’s the captain now, and if the media is to be believed, that means the goalposts have been moved a little. So in that context, let’s examine Erik Karlsson’s performance in the team’s annual Christmas video.

Well, it’s not great. His line readings are stiff, his mugging is a little over-the-top, and he never really sells the premise of Erik Karlsson, choosing to relax after a hard practice by watching Christmas movies, in a CTC lounge into which no one else is apparently allowed, in a universe where this is considered typical. In contrast, last year, Jason Spezza – former captain? Tall guy? Going bald? Anybody? – last year Jason Spezza sang, loudly and poorly, but in a way that made you believe no one could possibly have more Senators holiday spirit. And most people didn’t think much of him as a captain! Then you’ve got Karlsson running through this thing like he’s already late for his weekly pore mask.

I can make excuses for Karlsson here, trot out the usual defenses. He’s a creative playmaker being forced into a framework that stifles him; he’s being shackled to inferior talent; we’re taking for granted all the little mistakes he doesn’t make. Enough. The Senators did something they rarely do, which is take a small, measured risk, by making a young Swede captain over a few Canadian veterans in a town that’s likely to magnify every fault he has for years until it decides he’s a beloved, faultless icon sometime in his late 30s. That’s unfair, but it’s true. So you’re that young Swede, what do you do? You start by selling the hell out of the team Christmas video.

While we’re on the subject, the winners in this video are Phillips, Borowiecki, and Turris. The losers are Lazar, who for some reason has to take his shirt off; MacArthur, who doesn’t get an actual part but instead gets his head stretched in widescreen; and everyone trying to re-enact a music video that came out ten years before they were born, after it’s explained to them what a “music video” is. Condra’s a push, because despite the strong performance here, he’s still making up for this thing.

5) Curtis Lazar

Then you’ve got guys who can seemingly do no wrong from day one. I like Curtis Lazar, but we’re not asking him the tough questions yet. Questions like, “why do you need to drive a truck that looks like something used by the Ferguson police?” Why do we keep turning a blind eye to the ongoing militarization of our hockey players’ vehicles?

6) Cody Ceci

This picture is amazing. Here you’ve got long-time Senators favorite Jason York sweating, glowering, and staggering into this picture like he’s at the end of a four-day creep, clutching what appears to be a large stack of money, or possibly Uno cards, next to a bemused six-year-old hockey prodigy who’s already wearing sleeveless tees. And then a plastic Jean Coutu bag blows into the frame, reminding you there’s so much beauty in the world, sometimes your heart can’t take it.

Cody Ceci is a fan favorite, and it’s in part because pictures like this with York, or others with early Senators megastars like Brian Smolinski, Damian Rhodes, or this guy, form a kind of origin story. Remember that pretty much every NHL player, when he was growing up as a junior hockey star, was a fan of the local NHL team. In most cases, childhood pictures of them decked out in this team gear are little more than historical curiosities. But in the miniscule chance a player is good enough to make the NHL, and then, even more rarely, is actually drafted by his hometown team, and then his Mom gets on Twitter, well, it makes those pictures seem more like predestination, doesn’t it? Looking at this picture in 2015, that’s no longer sweat on Jason York’s brow . . . it’s the water of baptism. Hope you’re staying hydrated, Jason.

7) Bobby Ryan

A lot of this space used to be about parsing Bobby Ryan’s every move in an attempt to ascertain whether he, y’know, liked us. Sure, maybe it’s silly and a little sad when you lay it out like that, but who’s the one who’s already read this far?

Anyway, it’s over; we won. I know that news is months-old, but I just got back, and anyway, it sets up a larger point – what now? Bobby Ryan is, currently, the longest-signed, highest-paid player on the Senators roster. Is he still a Senator in 2022, at the age of 35? Is he somewhere else, by his own decision or by the team’s? Is he Dany Heatley?

Right now we’re still in the honeymoon period; Ryan isn’t even the highest-paid player on the team yet, and won’t be until late 2017 given the way Erik Karlsson’s deal is set up. But it’ll start before that – as a seven million-dollar man, is he enough of a leader? Is he an expensive luxury on a team that should be rebuilding? Is he too streaky? Too one-dimensional? Does he speak French yet?

You know what? It’s pointless worrying. We’re all streaky and one-dimensional, in our own ways, we can all be better leaders, and most of us aren’t anywhere near as personable in general, or as talented at anything, as Bobby Ryan is. And the occasional expensive luxury, even in a city as puritanical as Ottawa, provides a necessary bit of fun every now and then.

8) Chris Phillips

Pretty cool to find Big Rig in Washington DC. #fortheloveofbeer #longwayfromhome

A photo posted by @cphillipsfour on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:11pm PST



“Sir, you can take that beer to Washington with you, but it can’t be in your carry-on. It’s the rules, I’m sorry.”

9) Marc Methot

Has there ever been a period while Marc Methot has been an Ottawa Senator that we’ve known less about what’s going on with him? I don’t mean the mysterious on-again, off-again haunch injury no one’s prepared to speak to that has him playing one day and then out of practice for the next month. Nor do I mean the negotiating no-man’s land he and the team find themselves in as his contract year ticks down with no certainty about his health. No, I’m referring to the disappearance of the Methot we all grew to know and love these last two years, the one who took shirtless pictures with the mayor, live-tweeted his haircuts, and vigorously took on any and all Twitter chuckleheads.

Methot has entered an unusual period of social media silence while he’s been skulking around the edges of the Senators’ season, Cape Fear-style. He doesn’t tweet much, he set his Instagram to private, and whatever he’s up to, he’s keeping it to himself. He’s around, sure; he’s on the road trips, he’s skating alone after practice, and he’s even behind the bench “coaching” at the skills competition. But if that consists of bird-dogging the first few rows and offering Gryba a sip of whatever’s in his water bottle, he’s not letting on.

But would you? If you were trying to extract long-term money from a team that’s already rumoured not to love your attitude, and you had something going on, haunch-wise, that kept you from demonstrating your value on the ice, and there were further rumours about the team not loving your attitude vis-à-vis your commitment to working through whatever’s going on, haunch-wise, would that be a good environment in which to post last weekend’s pictures of you and seven other shirtless guys in the back of a stretch Hummer, empty bottles of NOS and Red Berry Cîroc littering the floor? What do you think?

So what’s to be done? Well, it’s not likely Methot will start putting the good stuff back online until he’s convinced the Senators to give him that safe-bet, long-term money, which won’t happen until he starts playing regularly again, which won’t happen until he’s healthy, which brings us back to whatever’s Methot’s got going on, haunch-wise. And when put in that context – when you consider that Methot’s mysterious haunch injury isn’t just affecting his future with the Senators, or the stability of the team’s defense, or even perhaps their status as a playoff contender this year, but also the quality of Methot’s social media branding – you realize how much is actually hanging on Methot’s haunches this year. Get well soon, buddy.

10) J-G Pageau

On the one hand, getting excited about a pallet of flavored coconut water would seem to throw into sharp relief the amenities gap between the AHL and NHL. On the other hand, is this demonstrating the kind of positive, team-first attitude that finally gets a guy called up? Sure, what the hell – see you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; wearing the same shirt everywhere; getting caught with a joint in your mouth; little dogs; big dogs; stealing other peoples’ jokes.