This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, aging gracefully (not pictured: you, rocking Forever 21 but you just turned 30)

Tuesday, November 24 – Senators @ Stars

Ah, Dallas, another one of those teams that you forget has already won a Stanley Cup, although in fairness, most people in Dallas probably have as well. But Dallas’ improbable, triple-overtime 1999 Cup win is really more Buffalo’s entirely probable, fully inevitable Cup loss, isn’t it? Keep plucking that chicken, Buffalo. I will say that as far as teams that have left Minnesota go, the name “Dallas Stars” works a lot better than “L.A. Lakers,” although locals still frequently refer to the team by its unofficial nickname, “Not Quite Cowboys Tickets”.

Hey, you know who nobody seems to talk about much anymore? Dallas’ second-line centre, Jason Spezza. Remember him? Tall guy, #2 overall pick, former Senators captain? Anybody? Spezza’s still getting it done at 32; these days he doesn’t warrant nearly as much attention on a team that’s surrounded him with young offensive talent, but he’s still got the highest ticket on the Stars’ roster at $7.5M for the next four years. Yowza. Dude is going to look like Richard Attenborough by the end of that deal. Thankfully, the Senators trading Spezza was one of those clean breakups where both parties won; one gets to start over in a new town with a clean slate and a fresh reputation, and the other gets to laugh every time they see their ex on Facebook wearing a cowboy hat.

PREDICTION: So far this season, Dallas has been “the best team in hockey”, which is exactly the position you want a team in before it takes the Senators for granted and fails to prepare. Look for Alex Chiasson, who had a point in his dramatic return to Dallas last year, to quadruple that effort in this game, and for Jason Spezza to turn the puck over to Mark Stone at every opportunity. Senators 5, Stars 0.

Wednesday, November 25 – Senators @ Avalanche

The Colorado Avalanche have one major point in common with the Ottawa Senators, which is that Stats People hate them, and one major point of difference, which is that the Avalanche have a terrible record whereas the Senators continue to be awesome. I’m not saying you’re wrong, viz kids. You’re just wrong about the Senators. Tell me how you’re not. See, you can’t.

Why have the Avalanche crashed back to earth after succeeding wildly as a poor possession team not much more than a year ago? I mean, they’ve still got a number of great players, and also John Mitchell. Some blame their coach, the super-chill Patrick Roy, whose management strategy to date has been “depend on PDO even though I don’t know what it is”. Some blame regression by their goaltender, Semyon Varlamov, as if a guy with Varlamov’s rap sheet could somehow regress any further. Some blame the moral pestilence that has taken root in Colorado since the enactment of Amendment 64. Like most complex hockey analysis questions, it’s probably some combination of all three.

PREDICTION: Denver is literally the “mile-high” city, with significantly lower air pressure than at sea level. Thin air can cause altitude sickness and even delirium for those not accustomed to it; it also results in lower coefficients of aerodynamic drag, allowing heavier bodies to move more quickly with less air resistance. Look for Chris Neil to be a superstar in this environment. Senators 5, Avalanche 0.

Saturday, November 28 – Senators @ Coyotes

Before you roll your eyes at what’s likely to be a poor turnout for a November game between the Senators and Coyotes, remember that a Saturday night in suburban Glendale offers a lot of options for your entertainment dollar. You can take the kids to the Challenger Space Center. You can take your wedding ring off and hang around Home Depot. Hell, you can find a garage cockfight in five minutes if you’re looking for one. So in that light, does anyone really expect people to go to the rink at the mall and watch a hockey game involving some weird, budget NHL team they’ve never heard of? That being the Arizona Coyotes?

We were talking before about breakups. This game will by Kyle Turris’ fourth return to Arizona as an Senator, and his first as an undisputed, on-pace-for-forty-goals first-line centre. If Jason Spezza looks back on his time in Ottawa as the kind of relationship that just ran out of runway after eleven years, then his replacement Kyle Turris probably looks back on his time in Arizona as the kind of relationship where he was tied to a chair in a garden shed for three years being force-fed gruel and bible verses until the SWAT team pulled him out. That’s not a breakup as much as the inspiration for years of Count of Monte Cristo-style revenge. I have seen Twitter wags joke about how Turris’ goal song should be Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain”, because of his ubiquitous gold necklace. Rather than that feel-good divorce-rock, however, Turris’ performance in this game should be soundtracked by any of several GG Allin songs, none of which have titles that can be printed here.

PREDICTION: The Coyotes beat the Senators in October in a game in which you may recall Milan Michalek’s nugatory brother Zybnek concussed local sunbeam Curtis Lazar. Lazar fights now, so look for him to reenact the end of Rocky III on Zybnek Michalek, and most of the rest of the Coyotes’ paltry roster while he’s at it, as the Arizona fans still in attendance grudgingly stand to cheer his leadership. Look for Milan Michalek to send his brother’s widow a ham. Senators 5, Coyotes 0.

Season prediction record: 10-5-5

Next week: Really having a problem figuring out an angle on the Blackhawks. Any ideas?

Image courtesy @Capital_Gains65

If you’re not a listener to the weekly regular intellectual podcast that Luke Peristy and I do over at Silver Seven, that’s cool, no judgment. There’s a lot of listening options out there and you’ve only got so much time in the day. Some nights you work a double and just need to unwind with your Neil Diamond LPs, I get it.

BUT! James joins us for this week’s show, which means you get a full 50% of the Welcome To Your Karlsson Years writing staff talking into a single microphone. That, my friends, is value. Join us as we break down Jared Cowen’s attitude, throw shade at our haters, and do simultaneous Michael McDonald impressions. The greatest story ever told? You decide.

Episode 26 of the Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy (and James) Podcast

(Content warning: 12&13 discuss Patrick Kane, domestic violence and sexual assault)

1. Matt Puempel was sent down today and joined the BSens. It’s hard to say that it was a move necessary to get Puempel additional playing time as he’s been consistently in the lineup and played decent minutes. It makes more sense that he was sent down because he hasn’t done much when in the lineup. Maybe Ottawa wants to bring up another winger from Bingo or something or get a different look at someone else. It’s clear that Puempel hasn’t made the most of his opportunities.
2. Why was Puempel a fixture in the lineup for so long if he wasn’t exactly noticeable? He’s essentially hipster Curtis Lazar. Puempel’s smiley, plays a two-way game, is responsible on the ice, and has been given leadership responsibilities in rookie tournaments and pre-season. The essence of coachable. Oh, and a first rounder too.
3. It’s not that I think Shane Prince isn’t coachable, but it’s not a stretch to suggest the organization isn’t enamored with him (that rumoured trade request out of Bingo probably doesn’t help). Think some of it is just style of play though. Last season Mark Stone was a darling and Mike Hoffman was inexplicably dropped down the lineup. The rational was Hoffman’s defensive awareness or lack of it and the preference for the two-way Stone suggests there are some rookies Dave Cameron and co are more comfortable playing.
4. Now, I don’t think there’s anything in Prince’s game to suggest he shouldn’t be playing and he’s at least been better than 25, 15, 90, and 27 when he’s been in the lineup. Prince even made the fourth line look good when he played with them. He’s absolutely someone who can help this team and with the various top-6 vacancies (McArthur, Stone, and Hoffman) is someone who can actually keep up as part of the top 6. However, he’s an offense-first type of player and given his inexperience at the NHL level, I’m not shocked he’s been kept out of the lineup. I think it’s the wrong move, but think that’s what’s going on here. Cameron has questions about his defensive game so he sits.
5. Craig Anderson needed to be better. And he is. Andy is a zone right now and that’s a good thing because Ottawa’s defense is still porous.
6. Excited to watch Ottawa play the Stars this week. I still have some questions about Dallas, but watching that high-powered offense play Ottawa’s defense should be…interesting. Good thing Andy is playing better.
7. Mike Kotska was called up after the unfortunate injury to Patrick Wiercioch. I don’t follow the BSens closely so what follows might be complete crap, but it seems like the right move regardless of whether he plays or sits in the press box. He’s a vet with ample NHL experience for a call-up (70 games) and he’s used to splitting time between the AHL, NHL, and press box. His development isn’t going to be harmed if he sits out a few weeks and it’s hard to imagine he’d produce worse results than some of the combos the Sens have put out there this season.
8. It’s got to sting if you’re Freddie Claesson though. He’s been in Bingo for a while now (it’s his fourth season with the BSens) without a sniff of NHL action. He’s a left-shooting defenseman and the Sens, like most teams, have a glut of those. He doesn’t have the offensive upside of guys like Wideman or Wiercioch or the size of someone like Cowen. He feels like someone who’s not really in the organization’s long term plans.
9. Ottawa’s fourth line had a really good game against Columbus. However, Ottawa’s bottom 6 hasn’t been as good this season as they were to finish the season in 14-15. There’s only so much you can do with that fourth line that must include Chris Neil and Zack Smith. Where it’s really hurting is on the third line. I think Michalek is having a decent year, but Pageau has slowed from his start and Curtis Lazar is still young I guess. During the run last season, Ottawa was a great three-line team and they need to get back to that.
10. Jared Cowen physically contained a slumping Voracek last night with a couple big hits which is an achievement for Cowen. But it reminded me of a lot of other “Cowen back in the lineup” games. Remember when he came back from injury against Carolina, had a big hit on Jeff Skinner and a fight? He makes a big physical statement then the physicality just sort of goes away, he doesn’t use his size effectively in his own end, and just reminds you of the old Cowen pretty quickly. It’s because Cowen doesn’t get so much of what’s going on around him and rejects the valid criticisms of his game. It’s an adrenaline rush, not an actual adjustment.
11. Don’t love Garry Galley in the booth. He celebrates a lot of things about hockey I don’t like. He was big on praising Cowen last night but failed to emphasize miscues like giveaways and failed zone exits. That’s not a criticism specific to Galley, lots of analysts don’t notice or comment on this stuff in real time. I get that it’s hard, but it’s also their job and just leads to more interesting and useful analysis.
12. Speaking of commentators, Nick Kypreos made some pretty offensive comments regarding Patrick Kane during Saturday night’s Chicago-Vancouver game. Kypreos was referring to Kane’s offensive totals this season when he said Kane “wants to shove it down peoples’ throats”. It’s a totally inappropriate phrase given the rape investigation surrounding Kane to start the season but it highlights larger issues in the hockey broadcasting community. For starters, those who go on TV to discuss NHL hockey on regional or national networks need more training for how to discuss topics such as domestic violence and sexual assault professionally and respectfully. Unfortunately, such incidents aren’t going away and it’s thankfully getting harder and harder for mainstream media to just ignore these cases. Do your job and do it better.
13. But it also illustrates what too many in the broadcasting community believe: that assault victims lie and the true victim is Kane in this specific case. I’m sure networks like Sportsnet are telling their employees not to discuss certain things about Kane’s rape investigation. But if employees like Kypreos really believed domestic violence and sexual assault are serious crimes and that victims (not just perpetrators) need to be treated fairly, they’d take steps to ensure they talk about assault and rape investigations differently. If they really stood with victims, with women, the unscripted parts of Hockey Night in Canada or weekly intermission panels wouldn’t refer to Kane shoving anything, they wouldn’t use language that suggests consent is optional. They wouldn’t use chicken shit terms like “incident” to describe violence and rape or talk about players like Kane overcoming “adversity”. But that’s what they do. If TV’s hockey experts didn’t think all women were liars, they wouldn’t frame excellence on ice as proof of Kane’s innocence off ice. But that’s what they do and that’s what Kypreos did last night. It matters not to pundits like Kypreos that Kane was on pace to win the Art Ross last season before his injury; that he’s contending to do so this year justifies all of Kane’s actions, Chicago’s gross incompetence and revolting behaviour, and the league’s continued negligence.

So you say you want a top-4 defenseman (or *gasp* two)? Cool. This makes a lot of sense. Ottawa’s sieve-like blueline has been a problem for a few years now (really since Zdeno Chara left, but who’s counting). The pairing of Jared Cowen and Mark Borowiecki have been predictably among the worst pairings in the league and unfortunately Cody Ceci and Patrick Wiercioch have modelled their current play on the example of 2 and 74. Don’t pine for Eric Gryba, if he was still here we’d be talking about having five defensemen who should be healthy scratches (an embarrassment of riches!). Even Erik Karlsson and Marc Methot haven’t hit their stride yet. Boro looks better playing on his natural side with Chris Wideman, who’s been decent, but this is more like that moment at the end of Titanic when Rose climbs on that door but Jack, despite his significant experience as a carefree outdoorsy American, somehow forgets that timeless lesson of how to climb on a dock with another person at the same time. Now one problem pairing is being kept afloat, but the water is still rising on another.

We don’t need more life jackets, we need some lifeboats (or not to hit the iceberg in the first place but you know). I’m not really one for trade speculation. I’m not into prospects for much the same reason. I’ll talk about them from time to time, but those things are beyond my control and not the most productive use of my time (but if you’re into it, cool, and Trevor at S7 had some potential targets). Still, this problem has lingered for so long that it’s now a common topic of discussion between me and industry experts (it’s Luke, I talk to Luke about this a lot). I’m all for trading for a top-6 forward if it improves on our current top-6, I’m a fan of the ‘improving the team is improving the team’ school of thought, though I’d still prefer this improvement happens on defense first.

The thing is, it’s going to cost a lot to get the necessary improvement. There are lots of teams looking for top-4 defensemen and few teams with a surplus of quality blueliners (maybe St. Louis, Calgary and Anaheim have suggested they’re willing to deal). Yes, there are still holdouts like Boston who don’t seem to think quality defensemen are something you want to stockpile, but generally, the league is starting to value these guys a lot more, both in terms of salary and trade value.

My point is, if your hypothetical trade packages hinges on Curtis Lazar being bankable, Jared Cowen’s involvement, or a depth player like Zack Smith, it’s not likely to fly. Maybe Cody Ceci and PW are appealing to another team, but neither player is going to get Ottawa a top-4 defenseman. Everyone’s forgotten about Colin Greening. Picks are an option, but given how the Sens misjudged their playoff chances after the Bobby Ryan trade, not sure they go this route. Shane Prince might be interesting as part of a larger deal, but it’s a reach to suggest a top-4 player for him. It’s hard to imagine another GM getting excited about Matt Puempel or most if not all the players, currently in Bingo. It’s not that they’re all bad (though that Bingo blueline is thin), it’s that other organizations are full of similar players/prospects. Nobody’s as high on Freddie Claesson and Tobias Lindberg as the Sens organization, that’s how these things go.

It’s going to take Mike Hoffman. I mean, maybe not Mike Hoffman, it could be Mika Zibanejad or Mark Stone (but not really because he is locked up for another two years on an affordable deal, the organization understandably loves him, and he’s a golden god), but it’s going to be a player who already has some decent NHL numbers, is youngish, and still has potential upside. So, no, not Milan Michalek. Hoffman makes the most sense because the organization, for whatever ill-conceived reason, doesn’t seem to value him as much as those other guys. Hoffman’s good, generates offense, has a terrific shot, and has a cheap deal that can easily fit into a lot of budgets, even at this point in the season (seriously, $2 million). He’s not the perfect option as he’s not locked up beyond this season but that’s not a huge problem as he’s still an RFA at the end of the year. He’s not a player you want to lose if you’re the Sens, but it’s probably going to cost a lot to sign him to his next deal and the blueline situation is critical.

If you don’t want to give up a player of value like Hoffman, trade with Colorado I guess. Joe Sakic and Patrick Roy are real winners.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, truthing it (not pictured: you, lying. Why are you always lying?)

Monday, November 16 – Senators vs. Red Wings

Unlike most of their local industries, the Detroit Red Wings just keep coming back. This is their third game against the Senators this still-young season, and it’s starting to look like the Wings, who were expected to battle the Senators for third in the division – third! As if there were any doubt the Senators would steamroll the various doormats and poltroons of the Atlantic – are Bad. The Red Wings sit fifth in a weak division, tied with Buffalo (which is not considered a contender) and Florida (which is not considered a hockey team). Their third-leading scorer is eight years old. Within a month, opposing teams will stop drawing up offensive schemes during pre-game strategy sessions and simply stare at their whiteboards trying to figure out their current point total plus two.

The Red Wings are not only Bad, you can rest assured they are committed to getting worse and staying there. Last week’s big news out of Detroit, other than the NFL electing to dissolve the Lions on the basis of general incompetence, was the seven-year, $30M contract awarded to 28-year-old Justin Abdelkader. If the name doesn’t seem familiar, reading it here, he’s the one you thought they were calling “Applicator” the last time you watched a Red Wings game. Abdelkader’s career high in points is 44, so when you can lock that guy up at four million a year until he’s 36, you do it. As the Senators begin to emerge from underneath their own ill-advised contracts with guys old enough to be Quaid brothers, it’s good to know their rivals are picking up the slack.

PREDICTION: Monday’s game is Polish Heritage Night at the Canadian Tire Centre; the Senators have only ever had one Polish-born player, that being their first goaltender, All-Star Peter Sidorkiewicz. You may recognize him as the handsome fellow that’s been leading off the Hater’s Guide for the last few weeks. Look for the Senators to handle the Red Wings easily, and for the CTC scoreboard to honor Sidorkiewicz during a first period TV timeout as he sits in a box drinking champagne he had to bring himself. Senators 5, Red Wings 0.

Thursday, November 19 – Senators vs. Blue Jackets

The Red Wings are Bad; the Blue Jackets are somewhere worse than Bad, somewhere down in that strata below Bad that’s typically reserved for Kevin Smith movies. The Blue Jackets are so bad they just hired professional screamer John Tortorella, like the NHL is the Steve Wilkos Show and the Blue Jackets are a weed-dealing 15-year-old who needs to be scared straight. Tortorella is the kind of super-chill guy who’ll march a flaccid six-inch meatball sub back to a kid making $9 an hour at Subway, bellowing without a trace of irony, “I don’t know how you have the TEMERITY to call yourself an “artist”. Thomas Kinkade was an artist. THIS is an EMBARRASSMENT.” And the kid will have no choice but to stare ahead blankly, much as Nick Foligno is probably doing right now.

Tortorella has actually overseen a pretty reasonable dead-cat bounce from the Jackets, who are 6-5 under their new coach after starting the season 0-7. Sadly, their recent wins have come without veteran forward David Clarkson, who suffered a back injury two weeks ago and has been placed on injured reserve. Clarkson, you’ll recall, was the Leafs’ prized seven-year, $37M free-agent signing who played so badly that they were pleased to trade him to Columbus for a guy with a degenerative back condition who will likely never play again. The rest of the NHL was stunned by the deal, in the sense that Clarkson was like a fine bottle of gin, if that gin was being sold at a gas station and the word “gin” was in quotation marks; it turns out this isn’t even illegal, because nobody thought anyone would actually buy it. Get well soon, David Clarkson.

PREDICTION: It’s always nice to see an ex-Senator come home having gone on to bigger things; look for Nick Foligno, now the leader of the Blue Jackets, to feel nostalgic for his time in Ottawa by drawing several goaltender interference penalties. The Foligno-Methot trade is one of those rare one-for-one swaps both teams can feel good about, in that Nick Foligno is a dependable captain, and Marc Methot is the ocean. Senators 5, Blue Jackets 0.

Saturday, November 21 – Senators vs. Flyers

Finally, the Flyers, those sleazebags in fluorescent orange who have been cheap-shotting dudes since the 1970s, much like your Uncle Vernon who works construction and likes Wild Turkey. We all expected the Flyers to be Bad and they have obliged us by being exactly that, although a quick perusal of their roster gives us every indication as to why. They collect Schenn brothers like Pokemon. Their second-line center is Sean Couturier, or as he’s referred to these days, “the extremely poor man’s Mika Zibanejad”. They signed Vincent Lecavalier to a long-term deal during a year that started with “2”. And I haven’t even mentioned Andy McDonald yet.

There was some speculation in recent years that Bobby Ryan, a native of Cherry Hill, New Jersey (also known as “Philadelphia’s Aylmer”) was itching to sign with his hometown Flyers, presuming this was a universe where Bobby Ryan would turn down $49M from the Senators a year before anyone else was eligible to offer it to him. I never understood this argument, particuarly since I don’t remember anyone saying the same thing about Flyers captain/good Orleans boy Claude Giroux and his hometown Senators. You don’t need to play in your hometown, you know. You can always go back during the off-season, keep a pied-à-terre, help out some buddies, get arrested. The world is not that big a place; we have the Internet now.

PREDICTION: Nem Floyers suck, yeh? Must be somethin in the wooder down yere. Senators 5, Flyers 0.

Season prediction record: 8-5-4

Next week: The Mountain time zone – the continent’s most pointless time zone.

As someone who spends some time on the internet and social media, I’m supremely aware of its ability to turn into an echo chamber. Get enough like-minded individuals all talking at once in the same place and you inevitably end up with a high degree of group-think and shared opinions. My thoughts of late have consequently been something along the lines of, “Has anyone considered that maybe the Senators should scratch Jared Cowen? Oh, what’s that? Literally everyone? Alright, never mind then.” Basically I am doubtful of my ability to have an opinion on Jared Cowen that will be in any way new or interesting.

And yet here I am with a blog post about Jared Cowen. This is mainly because Jared Cowen consumes my every waking thought. I am in a state of constant fascination with the seemingly endless ways in which he conspires against his own team. Last night I dreamed that Jared Cowen’s hair flowed out of his helmet and engulfed the world in darkness. I can no longer listen to songs by Leonard Cohen because Cohen sounds a little too much like Cowen. I am Captain Ahab and Jared Cowen is my White Whale. Welcome to Your Ishmael Years dot com.

So yes, while the ways in which Jared Cowen has been a disappointment throughout this year and beyond have been well-documented elsewhere, I am not writing this for you; I am writing this for me. I’m writing down all my thoughts and #feelings once and for all (something my therapist has recommended). I hope that this blog post will be the instrument of my cleansing catharsis and I shall wallow no longer in the Valley of the Damned. Come, join me in my descent into the underworld that I may walk in The Light from this moment forward.

The Story So Far

For as long as I can remember, there has never been a shortage of excuses for whatever happened to Jared Cowen. Projected to go very early in the 2009 Entry Draft, Cowen fell to 9th after suffering a torn ACL. Expected to be a major part of the Binghamton Senators during the 2012 lockout, Cowen played three games before suffering a season ending torn hip labrum. Expected to be on his entry level contract for one more year, Cowen became an RFA one year earlier than expected due to some vagaries of ELC contract slide that the Senators were not aware of. That rich 4-year contract an unproven Cowen got in 2013? Tim Murray did that. Last season’s gong show? Hip injury again. Couldn’t crack the playoff roster? Eric Gryba was in the way. It is very easy to spin a narrative that says to date The Path of The Righteous Cowen has been beset on all sides by Evil. I wouldn’t even say that narrative is necessarily inaccurate.

Now in his 6th year with the Ottawa Senators organization, this was supposed to be the year that Cowen finally had everything break his way. In the greatest of all struggling player traditions, Cowen arrived at camp healthy and In The Best Shape of His Life™. His main competition for Big Mean Beardy Bastard, Eric Gryba, had been traded away leaving him with minimal competition for a roster spot. And yet Cowen’s season so far has arguably been his worst to date. For me, his season in a nutshell was a play a few weeks ago where he was out defending a lead late in the 3rd period, gained possession of the puck, and only had to chip it out of the zone to seal the game. Typically, he fired the puck directly into the Senators bench. To be fair this could have happened to anyone, but it didn’t. It happened to Cowen.

So Jared Cowen is finally out of excuses and 15 games into his season, and there is already a chorus of fans calling for his removal. Are there any alternatives to cutting bait with extreme prejudice? Well, I’ve got some options I will now outline for you.

How I Would Try To Fix Jared Cowen

0. Invent a time machine, go back in time, buyout Cowen, and put the savings into giving Cody Franson a contract.

Ok, this one isn’t happening due to a lack of research funding. Moving on…

1. Lock Jared Cowen in a room filled with game tape of Marc Methot and force him to watch all of it a la A Clockwork Orange. After Cowen has watched all the tape, make him watch it again.

So much of what I see Jared Cowen get wrong seems to stem from a misunderstanding of what good defense actually is. Marc Methot, on the other hand, is my platonic ideal of what a defensive defenseman looks like in today’s NHL. Were I coaching Jared Cowen, I would say “Watch Marc Methot. You see how his physical play is a function of his excellent positioning? You see how excellent he is at defending the crease and the slot? Marc Methot gets big hits because he’s in the right place to make them, not because he chases guys all over the ice. You should strive to play like this.”

Cowen plays in such a way that it makes me think that Being Big and Hitting Guys is what’s expected of him, when really he should be focusing on Preventing Shots and Separating Guys from the Puck. If he does this by Being Big and Hitting Guys, so much the better, but Cowen’s game currently looks like someone who is doing stuff without any idea of why he’s doing it. Is it too much to ask that we try to get a struggling player to the point that he’s at least fundamentally sound? Maybe! What are some other options? Glad you asked!

2. Get Jared Cowen the hell away from Mark Borowiecki.

I have made my peace with Mark Borowiecki. He is a marginal NHL defenseman who is being paid as such (for the next 3 years). However, as a defensive partner for Jared Cowen, I believe he is one of the worst options possible. Borowiecki and Cowen do not compliment each other well. They both play the same style, they both shoot on the same side, and they both have the same weaknesses which are only exacerbated when they play together.

While last year Cowen was a negative possession player regardless of who he was playing with, at least this year he has shown some improvement when paired with Erik Karlsson or Chris Wideman. Please observe the figure below.

The 74 inside the blue box represents Jared Cowen’s possession numbers when not playing with Mark Borowiecki.

So far this season, Jared Cowen has not been as much as a tire fire when not paired with Mark Borowiecki. I realize I’m grasping at small sample size straws here, but it’s pretty much the only bit of positive data we’ve got, and I think if you can give Borowiecki and Cowen 15 games together, you can also afford to give Wideman and Cowen at least five. In addition, if you’re the sort of person who cares about optics, I’d say it’s easier to bench a guy making $1.3MM a year instead of one who’s making $3.7MM this year. As an added bonus, playing Cowen with Wideman would also satisfy my craving to have a defensive pairing that looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito from the movie Twins.

Is this ever going to happen? Well, I’m not so sure…

What’s Going To Happen Instead

The biggest advantage I have is that when you change coaches your team is in turmoil and we were a chasing a playoff spot right from when I took over. When you’re chasing or trying to come from behind all the time, a lot of times you’re not as patient with players. You can’t let a guy figure it out on the power play. You can’t let a guy figure it out in the top six forwards because you just think there is too much at stake. I think the biggest advantage is to have the camp, get it going … You still want to get off to your best start possible but not every game is do or die. You’ll probably let some players play through some situations that I didn’t let them last year when you’re under the gun. – Dave Cameron, September 12 2015

Well, part of the reason why I traded Eric Gryba was to give Jared Cowen a chance to play. I felt that, like you mentioned, that for the last 19 or so games last year, he didn’t play. Partly because of injury, but partly because he couldn’t get a spot. I want to get him a chance to play… – Bryan Murray, September 24, 2015

I believe we are at Peak Cowen. Based on the above quotes from management, I think it’s clear that Dave Cameron is going to play Jared Cowen for 20 or 40 or 60 or 80 games this season regardless of how much he struggles. I don’t know how many games it will take, but at some point Cameron’s going to have seen enough. Once that happens and Cowen comes out of the lineup, I believe he will be coming out of the lineup for good. If you want to see less of Jared Cowen, I’m sure all you have to do is wait. With that said, I think that Dave Cameron does Jared Cowen and the Ottawa Senators at large a great disservice if his plan for the 3rd pairing is to simply fire Borowiecki and Cowen at the brick wall an infinite number of times until they break through. I am often loathe to criticize coaching decisions because I believe coaches are both more qualified than me and in possession of more information than I have, but we are now approaching the one-fifth mark of the season, and at a certain point a coach’s patience begins to look like the absence of a Plan B. It’s a coach’s job to put his players in a position where they can succeed, and I think it’s become clear that Jared Cowen cannot succeed next to Mark Borowiecki (or vice versa). Maybe Cowen can’t succeed next to anyone, but if management is so keen to “see what they’ve got” before burying him in the press box or AHL, why not confirm that with some hard, honest-to-God data points?

We got a single game of a Cowen-Ceci pairing in last night’s gong show, but all indications are that Cameron will be going back to Cowen-Borowiecki starting tomorrow night. This makes a bit a sense, as it contains the hilariously poor defensive zone coverage to the 3rd pairing instead of allowing it to metastasize to multiple pairings, but it also looks like merely playing out the string until Bryan Murray decides Cowen’s had enough of a chance.

Fixing Jared Cowen might be a problem without any solution, but Dave Cameron owes it to everyone involved to look for one. Scratch Boro, free Wideman. Either do what’s best for the team, or do what’s best for Cowen. Don’t maintain the status quo which is neither. Anything less is a waste of everyone’s time and money.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, on my grown man (not pictured: you, borrowing your mom’s debit card)

Tuesday, November 10 – Senators @ Predators

I’ll tell you this for free – before you decide to start writing a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents, check the schedule to make sure that you won’t have to come up with two separate hot takes on the Predators in the space of a month. Can’t be done. And while that probably speaks to how uninteresting the Predators are, or how little of a rivalry they have with Ottawa, it’s also a poor way to begin Week 6 of our Hater’s Guide. But everything I said four weeks ago still stands, right? Mike Ribeiro is still a creep?

Tuesday’s game marks the end of this season’s home-and-home series with the Predators, and you might think they have a significant home-ice advantage in this one, what with the Senators having two days beforehand to hit Nashville’s Broadway strip for cowboy tapas and pickle-based whiskey cocktails until they get all bloated and groggy. But believe it or not, most professional athletes know better than that – okay, okay, not you, Patrick – and it’s only the media that go out and get completely destroyed in Nashville at this point. And lord, will they tell you about it. Come on, media. Act like you’ve been there before. After all, you have – last year, remember? No?

PREDICTION: The Predators are muddling along in a tough Central Division, having lost four of their last six, while the Senators are still smarting from Saturday’s improbable, impossible last-second collapse to the Hurricanes. Look for Chris Neil and Mike Fisher to share a quiet and respectful pre-game prayer, and then for the Senators to recreate all the good parts of the Old Testament. Senators 5, Predators 0.

Thursday, November 12 – Senators vs. Canucks

Ah, here we go. For the last few years this piece would have written itself. The Canucks – those whining, diving losers, those kids who’d taunt and taunt you until you hit them and they ran crying to a teacher, those employers of Ryan Kesler – were pretty unanimously the most hated team in the NHL. In a way, they were even more fun to hate than the Leafs, in that while neither had won anything since 1967, at least you got to watch the Canucks fail bitterly at the highest level and then see their own city burn down. We just need to make a couple riot jokes, a few digs at Alex Burrows, and we’re done – who’s thirsty?

But oh, how times have changed in Vancouver. The Canucks have more or less tread water since their Cup final loss to Boston – swapping out parts here and there, burning through goaltenders, and wondering when age will finally catch up to their Swedish captain – without ever making it out of the first round of the playoffs. In other words, they are now the 2010 Senators, which is arguably a fate worse than losing. Rather, they’re trapped in a hell of their own making between contending and rebuilding, making increasingly bizarre decisions like bringing in Brandon Sutter as a “second-line centre”, Brandon Prust as a “tough guy”, and 72-year-old Ryan Miller as a “big-game” goalie. We say this every year, but this is going to be the year the Canucks crash, hard, and it will be glorious. Okay, now who’s thirsty?

PREDICTION: This game marks the beginning of a five-game homestand for the Senators; that initial period when you’re home after a long time on the road is the best, isn’t it? Back in your own bed, familiar television, no reaching into your pocket for weird, crumpled paper money when you’re buying jerky – for a couple days you’re on a real high, before you remember being at home also means buying groceries, and caring about municipal politics, and that familiar malaise you’d been running from starts to set in again. But look for the Senators to capitalize on that initial positive energy in this game, and for the Canucks to continue to be a complete embarrassment to their city, their country, and the concept of organized hockey. Senators 5, Canucks 0.

Saturday, November 14 – Senators vs. Rangers

Ah, the New York Rangers, the only “Original Six” franchise that’s managed to win a Stanley Cup since the Canadiens last did, other than Boston, Chicago (three times), and Detroit (four). Am I missing anybody? Doesn’t matter, let’s move on. The Rangers are a good team, but really, truly hating them seems to be one of those things you need to live in New Jersey or Philadelphia to understand, like pork roll, or Bon Jovi. The rest of us? Eh. It’s only been three years since the Rangers mugged Erik Karlsson en route to a seven-game playoff win over the Senators, and most of you probably don’t even remember it.

This is the first of three Senators games against the Rangers this season, so if we’re going to learn to hate the Rangers, let’s start at square one, with Henrik Lundqvist, that beautiful, rich, famous, popular, world-class goaltender you’ve heard so much about. You know those kids in high school who were good at everything? They probably work for Lundqvist now, developing his new signature fragrance.  You may think you have it all, but then you look at Lundqvist – cool friends, cool clothes, electric guitar constantly at the ready in case a celebrity jam breaks out and needs a ham-fisted Sweet Child o’ Mine solo – and you realize how far from the 1% you really are. And this is the man that wants to beat your hockey team, after you broke your back all week shovelling meat? Do not stand for it.

PREDICTION: This is a Saturday afternoon game, which historically has been anathema for the Senators, although expect this year to be different. Why, you ask? Thanks for asking. Senators 5, Rangers 0.

Season prediction record: 7-4-3

Next week: Michigan! Ohio! Pennsylvania! They don’t just have meth; they’ve also got hockey teams! Get to know ’em!