This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, putting the game in a frenzy (not pictured: you, pushing a weak mixtape)

Tuesday, November 3 – Senators @ Canadiens

You probably saw more than a few annoying articles in your Facebook feed last month from your Habs fan uncle – not the one in prison, the one who just got out of prison – about how strong Montreal’s start has been this season. Sure, fine, the 2007-08 Senators say hello. Go back and check how often the team with the best record in October wins the Stanley Cup, I’ll wait. I’ll just sit here and watch these Habs fans practice throwing trash cans through storefront windows, because it’s never too early to start getting ready for a first-round playoff exit.

You can ask most NHL experts and all my high school girlfriends – there is such a thing as “peaking early”. If the Canadiens were a Behind the Music episode, this would be the part where a portly British man in a cheetah-print blouse says, “Looking back, we thought the good times would last forever,” as a comically-large pile of cocaine is pushed across a mixing console in slow motion. Even now, you can see the seams starting to show for the Habs – Carey Price is already out for a week with a lower-body injury, which is Price’s code for “hip flexor” in November and for “shame” in May. Last week they blew a 3-0 lead to the Oilers. They’re now paying Tomas Plekanec $6M a year and they’ve never even seen his Adam’s apple. That purchase alone is more ridiculous than any money I’ve ever seen wasted on Behind the Music, and I watched both parts of the KISS episode.

PREDICTION: This will be the Senators’ first trip to the Bell Centre this year, where they typically play well; if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to score a goal there as a visitor, just recall Obi Wan’s speech from Star Wars about the destruction of Alderaan and how “millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.” That’s right, that quote uses the word “suddenly” twice in the same sentence, because Star Wars sucks. But not as much as the Habs! Look for whoever is playing goal for Montreal to eventually burst into flames. Senators 5, Canadiens 0.

Thursday, November 5 – Senators vs. Jets

On the one hand, it seems reasonable to have a soft spot for the Jets as a bizarro-version of the Senators playing in a smaller, more racist city but with an actual billionaire for an owner. On the other hand, no matter how often you celebrate Peggers as “die-hard hockey fans” (which typically just means “willing to pay through the nose for two more years of mediocrity at most”), it still seems like there’s something ersatz about their team, like the Jets are one of those fancy English gentlemen in a 19^th century novel that mysteriously comes to town and wins a lady’s hand only to be unmasked by a jealous rival as a poor country peasant, or in this case the Atlanta Thrashers.

It’s not that the Jets are necessarily bad. They have some good players, some good prospects, and took a step forward to make the playoffs for the first time last year. They also still have Ondrej Pavelec in net, which is a bit like spending a few painstaking years building a custom sports car only to give it a four-stroke engine salvaged from a 1985 Honda Prelude. And it’s that’s kind of decision that contributes to general feeling of something being “off” about the Jets, like their logo being close enough to the RCAF’s that they had to negotiate a usage contract, or their best player not really having a position, or their fans arguing about whether their franchise scoring leader is Dale Hawerchuk or Ilya Kovalchuk. It’s like something’s been lost in translation somewhere, as if these new Jets are a redubbed anime, or maybe a Chinese tattoo that actually means “ham boat”. They’re still an NHL team, sure, but there’s something weird about them that you can’t quite put your finger on. Tyler Myers, maybe?

PREDICTION: Jets fans always seem to show up in bunches at the Canadian Tire Centre, either because they travel well or, more likely, because of how many proud Winnipeggers eventually make the decision to get the hell out of Winnipeg. Look for Mike Hoffman to have a big night, and for a mid-level Environment Canada analyst in a Jets sweater to scream at you in frustration as he sits in the parking lot after the game. Senators 5, Jets 0.

Saturday, November 7 – Senators @ Hurricanes

This spring will be the ninth anniversary of the Senators’ Stanley Cup Final loss, also known as “The Most Exciting Thing To Ever Happen to Ottawa”, and the tenth anniversary of the Hurricanes’ Stanley Cup Final win, also known as “Oh Yeah, We Forgot About That” in the Raleigh-Durham metro area, or maybe “The 487^th Most Exciting Thing to Ever Happen in North Carolina After Every College Basketball Game Ever, And Most NASCAR Races, and AAA Baseball, and Probably a Few Panthers Games”. These people don’t need it the way you do. They live far enough south to get real barbecue but far enough north to get decent bagels, AND it’s mild year round. Have you ever been to the Outer Banks? They’re delightful. Screw these people.

It’s no secret that the Hurricanes are bad, functioning partly as a Staal family work-release program and partly as a clearinghouse for generic dudes with names like “Brock McGinn” and “Riley Nash” and “Brad Malone”, names you’d find in a particular type of film called, oh, let’s say Crease Crashers 7. But when you don’t have the pressure of carrying your local sports market, or even being cared about at all, you can basically just go with first ideas without worrying if they’re any good or not. Sure enough, everything about this team is so tossed-off it’s kind of amazing. Their uniforms are just generic enough to avoid a lawsuit from the Red Wings. The old joke is that their logo looks like a flushing toilet, but to me it looks like a graphic designer given $80 and an hour. Their team hashtag is #Redvolution, which is actually, miraculously, so bad that even the Senators haven’t used it. What are you revolting against, effort?

PREDICTION: What’s deadlier than Mark Stone? Mark Stone having just finished a bid for a crime he didn’t commit. Look for this to be less of a game than a Steven Seagal movie. Senators 5, Hurricanes 0.

Season prediction record: 5-4-2

Next week: the only team that even God hates more than you do, the Vancouver Canucks.

1. Big news today is Mark Stone’s suspension. I was ok with the phone hearing and ok with the two games. Am I happy about losing Stone for two? Nope, he’s leading the Sens in scoring, is terrific to watch, and one of my favourite players. Ottawa’s better with him in the lineup. Do I think it was an attempt to go for the puck that was awkward more than anything else? Sure. Do I think the hit was intentionally targeting the head? No, but I also don’t really think that matters. Sometimes intent seems clear, but often it’s hard to judge what a player’s thinking, so remove that from the equation. What it comes down to for me is Landon Ferraro got hit in the head, Stone was responsible, admitted as much publicly, and there are consequences. The NHL’s frightening lack of consistency on matters of discipline is irritating but consistency has to start somewhere and Stone’s hit is as good a place as any to start.
2. Stone’s a clean player and doesn’t have a history of these hits and some argued that a fine should have sufficed. But I’m ok with suspending players for first offenses and for harsher penalties in general when it comes to NHL discipline. In real life, I appreciate more nuance and think things like mandatory minimums are crap. But the NHL isn’t real life. Fines don’t get the job done. Maybe we should spend less time worrying about whether a player or individual play is clean or dirty. It seems a bit counterproductive.
3. What about Henrik Zetterberg’s leaping elbow to the face of Jean-Gabriel Pageau? Well, yeah, I would have given him like 10 games for that (I would have given Stone more too; I’m draconian when it comes to safety), but I’m not Director of Player Safety (I could sure use the money though). Player Safety was wrong about Zetterberg and their explanation was inadequate. I suspect there are a variety of factors that contributed to this: Zetterberg’s star power, Pageau’s less than star power (how can they not know about the Pageau chant?!) and probably most significantly, Pageau wasn’t injured (thankfully). The NHL responds to the severity of the injury and while I think that’s not the most impactful way to eliminate dangerous play, it’s what they do. The Zetterberg case is unfortunate, but doesn’t change things for Stone. If you’re being honest about your desire for consistency, than you want that Stone hit punished even with the knowledge Zetterberg got away with something more flagrantly against NHL rules. Ultimately, that’s how you get to a league that would actually suspend for both infractions (also, hire less former players to do these decision-making jobs, but that’s not going to change anytime soon).
4. Two reactions from two fanbases on hearing the Stone suspension news were disappointing: Ottawa fans upset that Stone was suspended only because he’s a Senator and Montreal fans suggesting this is karmic justice for P.K. Subban getting suspended for breaking Stone’s wrist. Worst.
5. I would like to see more follow-up when teams and players break concussion protocol. Ferraro went down hard (rightly so) and was slow to get off the ice. He went to the dressing room as per concussion protocols to be evaluated (so far, so good). But he was back on the bench and playing in a few minutes. I’m not suggesting Ferraro was trying to trick the refs into punishing Stone (he wasn’t) and I don’t think he’s guilty of anything more than being an eager young player trying to do everything to secure his place in an NHL lineup. I just hope he really is ok, because if he’s not, it’s another instance of players, and more so the medical staff charged with caring for them, failing to protect their patients.
6. Detroit isn’t especially duplicitous in this either. Every team fails in this department. For an Ottawa example, look no further than Clarke MacArthur. He’s currently on the sidelines recovering from his third concussion in 8 months. I’m not a medical doctor nor am I privy to all the details of each incident and his recovery process, but it’s concerning. I don’t know if he was fully recovered when he returned to the Sens lineup late in the season for Ottawa’s playoff push and first round series against Montreal in the spring. I don’t know if his training camp concussion was handled properly in September and if it’s just an awful coincidence he was out with the same type of injury a few weeks later, but it’s certainly possible. I hope the Sens and MacArthur are taking the long view this time and are concerned more with his wellbeing for the rest of his career and post-playing days.
7. Andrew Hammond has only played two games and is coming off injury so I don’t really have any opinions on his play so far. He looked bad in his debut, he looked good in his follow-up. I don’t love his new mask. Intermission panels can stop asking if he can live up to a mark literally no other goalie achieved anytime though, that would be nice.
8. Craig Anderson has had the bulk of the starts. That’s good, that’s the way it should be and it’s nice to not have a goalie controversy. We have a clear starter and I’m comfortable with Anderson in that role.
9. He’s looked terrific in a few games and has been lit up in a couple others. In the games he’s let in 4+ he hasn’t exactly been supported by his porous and mystifying blueline. Still, there’s room for improvement with Andy.
10. I cannot get worked up about line combos in practice and before games anymore. I get it, things aren’t optimal, but this doesn’t seem like the best use of my rage.
11. Absolutely tired of discussing Jared Cowen and Mark Borowiecki. I get that this is the main topic of conversation for Sens fans right now, and whatever, have at it, I guess, but I’m out. It’s boring and tedious and no matter how many words I write about it, it isn’t likely to change Bryan Murray’s or Dave Cameron’s mind. So, I haven’t written about either player in a while and it’s likely to stay that way. I might get frustrated about their play during a game, I just can’t be bothered to debate it endlessly each day of the week. The topic is so tired, it’s almost a matter of consensus: they’re bad, we’d be better with other internal options, we should have made a trade. For me, it’s simply not interesting to talk about this anymore
12. I will say that I think each of Ottawa’s regular defensemen can be better.
13. Cody Ceci’s game is a bit different so far this season. He’s definitely more willing to not only join the rush, but lead it with speed through the neutral zone and into the other team’s end. This led to a Ceci goal against Arizona on a rush with Bobby Ryan. It might be the sign of a young player more comfortable in the NHL or with his role on the team, but it will be interesting to see if his game continues to grow in this area given his offensive flare with the 67’s and B-Sens.
14. Erik Karlsson hasn’t scored. He will.
15. Digging a bit further, Ottawa’s powerplay is struggling and EK hasn’t managed a PP goal yet. I have no doubt that he’ll pot a half dozen goals on the powerplay by time the season’s finished, but as it stands currently, he hasn’t. The Sens have been fairly good (especially the first unit) at building pressure but don’t have much to show for it yet. If you’ve been watching at home, you’ve no doubt seen a few clip sequences of EK not being able to get his shot through all the bodies in front of the net, EK having a shot blocked, and EK not being able to find a lane. Here’s the thing: one of Karlsson’s most underrated skills is his ability to get his slapshot and his wrist shot through traffic. The shots and goals will come.
16. That said, maybe a change on the powerplay isn’t the worst idea. Karlsson regularly can and does play the full two minutes with the advantage. There’s a few reasons for this (Cameron wanting to roll four forwards, no other overly offensive defensemen, EK is amazing etc.) and while it might be the best option for the powerplay, I’m not sure it’s the best option for even-strength play. Given the team’s depth issues, I’d rather have EK play more at even strength.
17. I also think, despite his struggles so far this season, that Patrick Wiercioch is capable of running the second unit. It’s not a move designed to break him out of his funk or whatever, but his strength is his passing ability/distribution and that’s what you need from your PP quarterback. Wouldn’t mind seeing Ceci here too. What’s the harm in keeping the pairing together on the PP?
18. Part of this is I’ve always hated the forward playing the point (or playing along the point/along the boards) on the PP. It’s not that defenders don’t get burned or make poor decisions that lead to odd-man rushes, they do, it just feels like this is something defending teams try to exploit when there’s a forward back there. The Sens might be ok if it’s Turris as the forward back there, but the first unit tends to oscillate between Turris and Ryan, with Karlsson as the fulcrum. When Turris is in an advanced position, it means Ryan is on the point. I’m less confident in Ryan’s defensive play and speed. The shorthanded team is more willing to challenge that forward. It’s entirely possible this is confirmation bias on my part. Still, not having a forward back there gives Cameron a chance to add some more skill to the second unit.
19. I’ve actually been pleasantly surprised by Milan Michalek of late. He seems to have his legs back and has found a home on the third line. He’s chipping in offensively and is spending a lot of time near the opposition net. He’s picking up penalty killing duties too. With all the Ottawa penalty issues the last few games he’s logged a lot of minutes recently and I do have questions about whether he can sustain it, but basically, he’s been a good third liner so far. But what about his contract? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s bad and not what you want to pay a third liner. But right now he’s not going anywhere and I’d rather him find a niche and contribute.
20. A lot of people felt like this would be Mika Zibanejad’s breakout year. There’s still plenty of time for that, but right now Kyle Turris and Pageau are doing more to get noticed. Turris’ hot start seems to be ending the silly “Is he really a number one centre, tho?” conversations. He’s getting noticed as a really good two-way centre on his own merits by more people around the league. Before the season started I had a chat with a fellow WTYKY member about whether Turris could hit 75+ this season. He was of the opinion it was too much of a jump, I thought it would be a lot, but doable, especially if he played with Stone all year (to be fair, I hedged a little too). I don’t think either of us expected a start like this (7G, 5A, 12P in 11G). When they’re all in the lineup, Turris-Hoffman-Stone look like one of the most dangerous lines in the league. Now, I don’t expect him to keep up this goal scoring pace all season; his shooting percentage is currently over 23% well above his career average of 10.7%. However, I do think Mark Stone will start scoring more and Turris will factor into that.
21. Pageau keeps getting better and better. We wondered how much Erik Condra stirred the drink on Ottawa’s excellent third line of Pageau, Condra and Curtis Lazar and while Condra’s departure hurts, Pageau seems like he’s taking another step forward this season. Ottawa’s had some great third line centres over the years and guys like Antoine Vermette and Chris Kelly really defined the role in Ottawa. Pageau’s taken a page from their books combining speed, enthusiastic forechecking, and strong defensive play to be a threat at both ends of the ice and on the penalty kill as well. He’s already got three goals, including one shorthanded and it would be great if he can keep building on that. A third line Dave Cameron can feel comfortable rolling out there is essential if this team is going to make the playoffs.
22. So what’s up with Mika Zibanejad anyway? There’s still plenty of time for his season to get rolling, but through the ten game mark things have looked a little shaky. The point totals are fine (2G, 6A, 8P, 11GP) but the advanced stats aren’t kind to him right now. Some of this is due to who’s on his wing and he’s really missed the speed of Mike Hoffman. He also seems hesitant (for some reason) to drive through the middle of the ice using his speed and size (both the neutral zone and his centre lane). I’d like to see him have at least one speedy winger (Hoffman most obviously, but maybe Shane Prince?) to work with in addition Bobby Ryan. I think Mika and Ryan can work as linemates, but if Cameron is going to do that, he needs to give Zibanejad some help stirring the drink.
23. Chris Neil looks better than he has in a few years. Like Michalek, I have questions about whether he can keep up this play all season and with everyone fit I’d still rather see someone else in his spot. That said, it’s a marked improvement from last year and the season before. It’s also helpful for him to have some jump if there’s any possibility he’ll be moved at the deadline (I’m holding out hope).
24. However, penalties remain an issue with him. He’s got 37 minutes already and while there’s misconducts and a fight mixed in, he’s taken 6 minor penalties so far and that’s too many in 11 games. It’s a liability and it’s hurting the team because the Sens only have one reliable PK defensive unit. Adding to the problem is linemate Zack Smith, who also has 6 minors (including 2 costly penalties against Detroit). This needs to change.
25. It’s not just fourth liners spending too much time in the box. Erik Karlsson has 6 minors so far (perhaps the best example that he’s not yet at midseason form, aside from the fact that it’s the start of November), Patrick Wiercioch, Alex Chiasson, and Mark Stone all have 5 minors. Ottawa needs some discipline. It’s not just as simple as discipline issues. Ottawa’s porous blueline means the team spends too much time defending and getting trapped in its own end. The result is an increase in minors.
26. Shane Prince. Like what I’ve seen so far from him. He’s chipped in despite the limited role (playing primarily with the fourth line). We got a chance to see him in the top-6 the last couple of games and I think we’ll see more out of him if he stays there. Given that Mac and Stone are both out of the lineup currently, seems like that’ll be the case.
27. Alex Chiasson is playing like someone who listened to his coach’s concerns, but it’s just not paying off so far. He’s trying to use his speed and size more and while he’s had some jump on a line with Milan Michalek and Jean-Gabriel Pageau and is a better option in front of the net than Chris Neil on the PP (not that this is saying much), the results haven’t come so far. He has just one goal and one assist in 11 games and the penalty minutes are accumulating (10 PIM). If I had to guess, he’s the most likely candidate to come out of the lineup if Dave Cameron changes things up.
28. The news that Mike Hoffman and Curtis Lazar are ready to return doesn’t exactly mean Matt Puempel and Max McCormick are headed back to Bingo (especially with the Stone suspension). Correct me if I’m wrong (I’m probably wrong, I don’t pay as that much attention to roster moves), but the Senators started the season with 22 players. Add to that the fact that Clarke MacArthur is still dealing with a concussion and both players might stay up since there’s room. There’s probably a procedure since both were emergency call-ups (I think?) but the point is, there’s room for an extra body once everyone’s in the lineup.
29. Given a choice between McCormick and Puempel, it seems Puempel is the clear choice. He’s chipped in a goal in his three games this season, had an extended look with the team last year, and Cameron has shown a willingness to move him up and down the lineup, sometimes pencilling him in on the second line, sometimes third, with some penalty killing duties. McCormick had a goal correctly called off against Detroit and hasn’t been bad or anything, just less noticeable. Part of that is playing on the fourth line but that’s also a result of not being as trusted as Puempel.
30. Daniel Alfredsson. When former players return to take front office jobs, their responsibilities are often nebulous or poorly defined (to the public anyway). Alfie’s back in the fold and while I’m still not clear exactly what his job entails, he’s not shying away from the hands on stuff. He was on the ice with the injured Curtis Lazar last week, talking and instructing. On a team that still has a lot of young players, it’s nice to have that kind of experience available. Hoping Chris Phillips can find a similar role with the Sens when he officially hangs them up.

According to one local sports writer, Erik Karlsson is tired. Tired because of his overall conditioning and his performance has suffered because he didn’t trained hard enough in the off-season or something. Sprinkle in a little “local boy looks primed and ready for bigger role because he worked hard over the summer” and you have a fairly standard, and at this point, expected hit piece from local sports media on Ottawa’s star player.

Karlsson shouldn’t feel alone in this treatment. Pittsburgh’s new sniper, Phil Kessel, having made his escape from the hellscape that is Leafs media this summer, was reminded last night that he has only achieve freedom in a physical sense, as the Toronto media still salivates whenever they glimpse him. No stranger to questions about his fitness, Kessel was held scoreless but had the last laugh, with his team securing the victory and a teammate’s hot dog themed Halloween costume.

Kessel and Karlsson are not the first nor the last elite players to be subject to the wrath of reporters and media types. It’s become one of the many customs of today’s NHL. Younger, creative, offensive players face a different kind of scrutiny. This is where the tiredness lies, not in strained hypotheticals about a player’s off-ice training that stretch credibility, but in the predictable, calculated, and clichéd writing and analysis which still dominates most of the popular channels. Lacking depth and insight, this type of writing is the equivalent of the Kerr’s molasses kisses candies in your kids trick or treating haul.

The fitness we need to question isn’t on the ice but instead the pages of the local papers. While it’s easy for fans to see the dubious nature of criticizing Karlsson’s training or Kessel’s alleged eating habits, the same goes for the local media. Sens fans seem mystified that local media shouldn’t be eviscerated because of their appearance. It fucking pisses me off whenever a new screen shot of Ottawa beat reporters circulates on twitter mocking the reporter’s weight, hair, or general attractiveness. Seriously, what the fuck? Why do you think this is ok? Why do you think it’s funny? It’s not. It’s Ottawa Sun-level antics. These are hockey writers who should be evaluated on hockey writing.

When I say fitness, I don’t mean health.

When I say fitness, I’m talking about writers who are up to the job of writing in today’s analytics and social media world of sports. There are a handful of reporters and writers who cover this team professionally, who take in every home game and practice, follow this team on the road, and deal with the deadlines of sports journalism. Some do their job quite well, others do not. Simply having done the job for many years does not mean you are fit to do so. Simply acting as a mouth piece for the organization does not mean your work should hold any weight with readers. Simply liking a rugged, physical style of hockey doesn’t mean your analysis is correct and will sway readers.

There are quality hockey writers out there, producing quality hockey writing. Let’s read and support them.

The monthly power rankings are a defunct feature here at Welcome To Your Karlsson Years, but it’s Hallowe’en and we decided to bring them out of retirement for one last job. If you’ve ever seen movies, you know this is always a huge success. Let’s go!

Click to enlarge.

22) Patrick Wiercioch – Wiercioch is wearing a cheap fedora, Morpheus-style sunglasses, and a baggy trenchcoat while being flanked by a beautiful woman. It’s possible his costume is a commentary on Gamergate’s ideal vision of itself, which would be awesome, but more likely he’s trying to dress as anything else, which is why he’s last.

21) Chris Wideman – Chris Wideman is Ali G, which was probably cool ten years ago.

20) Mark Stone – Mark Stone is Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro, which probably wasn’t even cool ten years ago – seriously, does anybody remember Semi-Pro? – but he ranks above Wideman because Wideman looks like he had to source a few items and Stone literally just bought a kit off the Internet, because he almost won the Calder last year and DGAF. Take note, Wideman.

19) Alex Chiasson – Chiasson isn’t even the only Minion here, but he’s the only Minion that caused me to Google “mustard accident”.

18) Mika Zibanejad – Mika Zibanejad is… Cinderella? We’re into the “men dressing as women and making duck face” part of the power rankings. Come on, dudes. You wanna dress like a woman, go for it, but maybe put some thought into it instead of assuming it’s automatically hilarious. Let’s see if we can do better.

17) Milan Michalek – Okay, maybe not. I’m not exactly sure what Michalek is going for, although there’s a sash involved, and duck face, and he looks jacked as hell. I’m not comfortable with any of it, although I have to admit that kitten heel really does his calves a favor.

16) Zack Smith – Okay, strike three. Zack Smith is a Playboy bunny apparently, and he’s allowing himself to be groped by a lecherous old man, but we can all enjoy the idea of a man treating a woman as an object when it’s a woman pretending to be the man and a man pretending to be the woman, can’t we? It’s almost like it’s cancelling out all the sexism that has ever happened. Nice duck face, BTW.

15) Erik Karlsson – Strike four – oh, GET AT ME. This is a lousy costume. It looks like a garbage bag with a stump growing out of it, and Karlsson’s hair and makeup make him look less like Ursula than Paula Deen. This is drag Ursula. And before you give Karlsson credit for the full-body paint, just remember that dead girl in Goldfinger, and ask yourself if you want your captain taking that kind of risk. Finally, the Ariel-Ursula slash-coupling was only ever included as an alternate ending on the Japanese Blu-Ray, so for most people it isn’t canon. I will give Karlsson credit for the nylons, though; that’s a detail most guys – looking at you, Smith – would miss.

14) Mike Hoffman – Mike Hoffman is the Flash, presumably because he’s a fast skater, which is kinda fun but a little on the nose. It’s like if Craig Anderson dressed up as a wall, or Jared Cowen dressed up as a bank robber.

13) Jean-Gabriel Pageau – Pageau looks sorta like Rambo, which is an awesome costume if you’re six, but still fairly endearing when you’re a grown-ass man who’s only five-foot-six. Ammo belt donated by the Gatineau Boys and Girls Club.

12) Chris Neil – I have no idea what Chris Neil is dressed as, which places him squarely in the middle of these rankings.

11) Clarke MacArthur – MacArthur has disappeared from this picture – maybe he’s taking it, or at home resting comfortably and double-fisting mini Snickers – but he’s dressed as a monkey in sweatpants. Is he supposed to be that guy who brings hot food onto an airplane? The bro doing curls in the squat rack? Tyler Bozak? Like all good art, it’s up to you to decide.

10) Mark Borowiecki – Boro appears to be leading the only three-person costume team here, which is either the three blind mice, or maybe some kind of Country Bear Jamboroo. I can’t see his partner Jared Cowen anywhere in this picture, though, suggesting he either declined to participate or is still at home trying to pull his costume over [ed. note: 1000th Jared Cowen man bun joke deleted. Let’s all try harder.]

9) Bobby Ryan – Bobby Ryan is Waldo. Where’s Waldo, you ask? Where’s Bobby is what the scoresheet’s asking! Hey, listen, thanks for reading.

8) Curtis Lazar – Curtis Lazar is Alan, Zack Galifianakis’ character in The Hangover. Every picture of him in this costume features him staring ahead blankly, either because he’s really selling the character or because he has an “upper body injury”. What’s funny is that the baby in his papoose is a dead ringer for Lazar himself, so maybe this is supposed to be Curtis, as Alan, carrying Curtis, which makes sense because that’s about the age Lazar was when The Hangover came out. Seriously.

7) Cody Ceci – Cody Ceci is the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, although in this picture he just looks like David Crosby. Close up, you can see it’s a pretty good costume, although Ceci gives up before he gets to the bottom, settling for a pair of Wallabees last seen being worn by Walter White. Cody! Did you see Karlsson’s nylons? A leader leads all the way down to his skates.

6) Andrew Hammond – I’m pretty sure Hammond is the gorilla in the back, which makes sense, because he’s used to wearing a mask and has exhibited unpredictable behaviour that scientists will study for years. Did I already thank you for reading?

5) Marc Methot – Marc Methot is the other big guy in the back, right? In the Despicable Me costume? Is he dating that Minion? That’s not right.

4) Craig Anderson – Anderson is a ninja turtle and another offender in the “couple dressed as a same-sex platonic workplace duo” category. If I want to see Leonardo and Raphael dancing and grabbing each other I’ll go to a different, very specific bar, thank you very much. Unless Anderson is actually dressed as Mark Borowiecki, but you can’t dress like a teammate, can you?

3) Kyle Turris – Kyle Turris is a pair of scissors. Top three.

2) Shane Prince – Shane Prince is dressed as a young Chris Neil, which is the kind of upstart costume that would normally get you laid out by an old Chris Neil, except that Prince is a) currently making Chris Neil’s line look really good, and b) a western New Yorker who likes guns and hates body cameras. Let him cook, Chris.

1) Chris Phillips – I’m not exactly sure what Chris Phillips is going for here – he looks like some combination of Jimmy Zourntos, Popeye, and peak-heroin Jerry Garcia – but he looks silly and awesome and I’m giving Big Rig the W in what’s been a tough year for him. How tough? This isn’t even a costume – this is what he looks like now.

CORRECTION: a reliable source informs us that it’s Cowen, not Zibanejad, as Goldilocks, with Zibanejad in the Gru costume at the back. That’s duck face for you. Welcome To Your Karlsson Years deeply regrets the error.

POSTSCRIPT: not cool, Michalek.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, balling so hard (not pictured: you, getting shook about it)

Wednesday, October 28 – Senators vs. Flames

The Flames, much like the city of Calgary itself, are the least sexy thing on the planet. Their red-and-yellow, flamey uniforms have always looked like dollar-store knockoff Hot Wheels cars. Their roster every year just seems like a slightly different collection of generic, round-faced white guys (yes, even for the NHL) resembling a lineup from the NES version of RBI Baseball. They play in an arena modelled after the world’s largest Pringle, in front of people who are covered in rhinestones and full of undigested red meat. Beef: it’s what’s for dinner.

Calgary is one of those teams that the stats crowd will tell you was significantly outpossessed last year and was lucky to make the playoffs, which is exactly the kind of talking point I like to seize upon when it’s not about the Ottawa Senators. I really have nothing else to say about the Flames, because this is already the most I’ve ever thought about them. Suffice it to say the Flames have a couple decent young forwards, their captain is a Norris trophy candidate, and their fans live and die over their marginalia because there are no other pro sports in town, or really any activities at all. In this way, they have nothing in common with the Senators, and you should hate them.

PREDICTION: Wednesday will be the Flames’ third east coast game in four days, whereas the Senators will have had four days off to think about last week’s improbable, impossible loss to the Arizona Coyotes. Even the guy in the little lottery kiosk at one of the Sad Malls, like Merivale or Hazeldean, will refuse to sell you a Pro Line ticket taking the Flames in this game. He hasn’t spoken to anything other than a fish tank in four years but he’ll still call you an idiot. Look for Erik Karlsson to score 189 goals, each more elaborate than the last. Senators 5, Flames 0.

Friday, October 30 – Senators @ Red Wings

Saturday, October 31 – Senators vs. Red Wings

This is probably where you assume I am going to EVISCERATE the Detroit Red Wings for beguiling the Ottawa Senators’ long-time captain like a cathouse of painted Swedes, dangling Cup Promises and lingonberry pancakes in front of him as they spread their shin pads like a well-oiled bear trap. Well that’s an extremely unpleasant image, first of all, and second, I’m not going to do that, because this column is all about defying expectations. This column is the Sopranos finale of hating.

The truth is, *sits you down gently*, people get divorced for all kinds of reasons, and none of them are your fault. Besides, leaving your career team at the age of 40 is basically like ending a marriage in your 60s – getting out at that point is pretty much about principle, not market value. So let’s not keep dwelling on Daniel Alfredsson – WHO CAME BACK, BY THE BY – but rather the Detroit Red Wings, a.k.a. the Montreal Canadiens who still occasionally win championships. The Red Wings have so much laundry hanging from their rafters you’d think their dryer was broken. Their owner is the beloved Mike Ilitch, an 86-year-old entrepreneur and philanthropist who made his fortune founding the Little Caesars pizza chain. Ilitch has done great work investing in and revitalizing the city of Detroit during its recent hard times, but is also the man responsible for marketing bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza. In this way he probably killed more people this year than polio.

The Red Wings are the kind of team that does things “the right way” and have made the playoffs every season for the last 1000 years, which also happens to be the average age of the players on their roster. Watching their steady, consistent execution is a lot like watching a hockey fundamentals DVD, and about as entertaining. Some Wings fans may be wondering if their playoff streak is in jeopardy now that their long-time coach has departed for the Leafs. This is like asking if someone can continue to be a B- student after their dad runs away to becomes a carny. I was fine, by the way.

PREDICTION: The Senators and Red Wings are playing a home-and-home series on back-to-back nights, which means you can watch the Senators win Friday in Detroit and then go to your Hallowe’en party on Saturday confident you’ll be missing a repeat, not a new episode. Look for Andrew Hammond to get off the schneid with a shutout in one of these games, and for 15,000 Red Wings fans to sigh quietly in a Denny’s at some point. Also, your Hallowe’en costume is more than a little racist. It’s not just me saying that, either. Senators 5, Red Wings 0 (both games).

Season prediction record: 3-3-2

Next week: the Habs are back, making vaccinating your children more important than ever.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, bringing the heat (not pictured: you, mad)

Thursday, Oct. 22 – Senators vs. Devils

Times are tough in New Jersey, where the Devils, a team with a long history of being good without ever being entertaining, are now neither. An aging core and years of bad drafting have made the Devils a collection of old spare parts and young non-prospects; the team’s architect, GM Lou Lamoriello, directed them into long-term mediocrity so effectively that he has now been scooped up by the Leafs. When season previews for your team contain sentences like, “if all goes well, the Devils will get goals from Stempniak,” well, see you at the draft I guess.

It was easier to hate the Devils in years past, when they won Stanley Cups and concussed their rivals and were the second-most interesting thing in Newark after the airport. Now the Devils are just kind of there, like an old Dodge Caravan. Sure, it’ll get where it’s going eventually, but there’s nothing exciting about it and everyone on board seems tired and a little disappointed. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015-16 New Jersey Devils: a high-mileage Dodge Caravan where Mike Cammalleri is a first-line winger.

PREDICTION: The Senators have four days off to prepare for this game, which is sort of like getting six months of MMA training in order to put a six-year-old to bed. You just try not to psych yourself out first. Look for Mark Stone to score 22,000 points. Senators 5, Devils 0.

Saturday, Oct. 24 – Senators vs. Coyotes

The Coyotes only have six fans, but they all seem passionate. They are the kind of people who storm council meetings in cities they don’t live in and dress down municipal officials who aren’t supporting their team with other people’s tax dollars. They are the kind of people who believe in making ice in the middle of the most inhospitable landscape imaginable because they’re already diverting half the Colorado River to play golf. They look like the kind of people who have Crossfit-themed weddings where the couple screams their vows at each other, swinging kettlebells the entire time.

The Coyotes are bad, but apparently this is the plan. This year’s first overall pick is expected to be Auston Matthews, another one of those teenage hockey phenoms with a typo on his birth certificate, but in this case one with the added benefit of being from Arizona. Matthews is exactly the type of hometown star a struggling franchise in a non-traditional market needs to build around, which is exactly why the Coyotes will never win the lottery. They will try, though, sending out reheated cobbler like Steve Downie, John Scott, and Boyd Gordon, even trading for the $4.9M cap hit of a Hall-of-Fame dirtbag who hasn’t played in five years in order to reach the league salary floor without retaining any actual talent. The upshot is that the Coyotes have the second-lowest team payroll in hockey, with a roster put together like a home filled entirely with scratch-and-dent floor model furniture; you can see the scuffs and burn marks everywhere but the guy won’t shut up about how much money he saved. Then he spent it all on a cruise and stayed in his cabin puking the entire time.

PREDICTION: You know how it is when you’re a budget team with stupid uniforms being kept afloat by a franchise Swedish defenseman. Sometimes you have to go on the road and get your ass kicked by the Ottawa Senators. Senators 5, Coyotes 0.

Season prediction record: 3-2-1

Next week, two games against the team no Senators fan could ever hate: the Detroit Red Wings.