Local Man Ruins Everything

Those of you keen eyed readers have no doubt come across the latest article from our beloved braying nag of the Ottawa professional hockey club, one Don Brennan. Don took time out of his busy schedule sticking tootsie rolls to Bruce Garrioch’s back to pat hmiself on his own. The results are a shocking glimpse into a man so bent on self-servitude that the chafing alone must be recorded in the annals of medical history (onanism division)  With apologies to Fire Joe Morgan and Kissing Suzy Kolber, I now present a point counter point examination of “Donny B presents Don Brennan unfiltered: a D. Brennan joint”

“I can’t find anyone else who picked the Senators to make the playoffs this season.But I did.You can look it up.”

Really? How would I go about this looking up you speak of? Your employer’s website is chocked full of pictures of girls making regretful decisions and treatsies on the water temparture that supposedly killed Whitney Houston. Fact is no one picked the sens to make the playoffs, claiming you did only serves to sequester yourself in some sort of no man’s land. Smarter than the average fan yet too far away from the team to be considered an insider. Naming your column “cheapseats” has lost all signifigance.

“I wasn’t asked to participate in a pre-season prediction panel,”

Hey guys, should we get Brennan in on this? No, he keeps predicting that all the players will have fun and that pizza at SBP tastes better than his local Pizza Pizza joint.

“Well, it’s no secret that I like to go against the flow,”

I’m convinced this is secret code for admitting that he was the one who upper deckered the half bath at Scanlon’s super bowl party.

“I’ll admit that I didn’t think MacLean would be able to figure out a way to coax a lot of offence from his new team”

Translation: I’m going to explain later in this column that there are several talented offensive weapons on this team and scrappy contributors from the Minor league but they won’t score alot of goals. They will win games by trickery in some sort of “Three Amigo’s-esque scenario”

“I thought the Senators corrected their biggest weakness when they traded for Anderson, a goalie they had long coveted.”

Stay tuned for the Don Brennan spectacular and shocking insider article where he reveals the secret to Brian Elliott’s success in St. Louis…not being coveted in Ottawa.

“If you had followed the man closely for 15 seasons as I have, you knew he was going to bounce back from the back surgery — even if he says he didn’t. And knowing of his leadership qualities, you also believed that his presence and work ethic would raise the play of those around him. I was pretty sure of this.”

Translation: “If you knew this guy as closely and as intimately as this guy I have absolutely no doubt, without hyperbole that you’d be pretty sure too.”

“The guy is a great player. He’s also very proud. After two injury-shortened 57-point seasons, he was bound to bounce back and bounce back strong. At least that’s what I thought.”

Woah hold on, Donny B has hit his stride here, there’s so much passion in his affirmations. Words like maybe, potentially and possibly have no room here on the edge of the danger zone. Only hearty phrases like “At leat that’s what I thought” can survive the punishing scrutiny of the Sunshing Girl selection committee. The man does’t make statements as much as they accidentally stain out while he’s thinking about something else.

I told him I thought 70 was within his reach. He said “that’s a lot of points.”

Then I laughed at him for failing to say it with the conviction power of a thousand Brennan suns, put him in a headlock and gave him a wet william

“But I knew his luck would change, and if it did he would prove once and for all that the Senators won the trade when they acquired him for Dany Heatley.”

Please donner don’t hurt em, you’re just piling on now B. All these years following the deal, you knew! You rascal, you were just playing possum. If only you had an arena in which you could have published this opinion, the public outcry would have definitely subsided thanks to your calm, steady influence.

“a Calder Cup championship would make better players of guys like Zack Smith, Colin Greening, Jared Cowen, Kaspars Daugavins and Erik Condra. I knew there would be a positive carryover effect. I was right.”

Donuel, baby please before January you thought Kaspars Daugavins was ethiopan food you eat without utensils. You were there to try new things, to get that spark back. Maybe Marsha would look at you like she used to…

The Senators GM and his staff had taken plenty of heat for the team’s fall


Ugh, I need a shower…


6 thoughts on “Local Man Ruins Everything

  1. Better bring an SOS pad in that shower. It’s the only way you’ll get clean. Alfie be praised! Don Brennan has known this whole time! It’s so nice and refreshing to see the local tabloid publishing the drivel of “Ottawa sports writers.” Im going to send in my “I told you so,” article right now!!

    Im surprised these guys talk about the Sens at all given that they are so high and mighty up on themselves. Murray took a ton of heat from these guys last year due to lack of production from the team. If the team didn’t surpass expectations, they would be calling for Macleans head on a fence post, but lets face it………..Brennan would have known the whole time….at least he would “think so.”

    Got a suite at the game tonight. But no Timmy, Big Z, and Patricia. Should be a good tilt nonetheless.

    Ottawa making the playoffs? Shit yea, I knew the whole time!

    Solid post.

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