Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – April 2015

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I’m not gonna lie to you, folks – the Senators’ social media was pretty thin gruel this month. Is it time to retire the power rankings? The paper-thin conceit upon which we’ve always relied is that when social media lets us observe our favorite Senators in their natural environments – the golf course, the boat show, the bottomless scampi basket – it lets us understand them more as hockey players, and maybe even understand ourselves in the process. But what happens when the players start turning the tap off? When tweets become less and less frequent, Instagram accounts go private, and the real action ends up being lost in the ether of Snapchat? Do I need to get a cellular telephone now?

I mean, are they on to us? On the ice, this past month was probably the most successful the Senators have ever had, and yet in the past, those sorts of good times usually translated into at least a few players tweeting blurry pictures involving a stretch Hummer, coconut Skyy, and a guy who looks suspiciously like Gordon Lightfoot. Not this month, though. Have we disrupted a delicate ecosystem by observing it too closely? Have we breached the Prime Directive? Does anyone remember laughter?

So is it time to shut this operation down? Convince me otherwise, guys. Convince me that there’s still some profligacy and a lack of self-awareness in the world, as long as we look closely enough. Convince me, one more time, that the only thing keeping us all from living our best lives . . . is us.

1) Erik Karlsson (last month: 1)



Whatever, that’s like, the cheap Lambo.

2) Partying with dogs (last month: NR)

Let’s dial down our expectations a little, maybe. We all have dogs. How have our favorite Senators recently been partying with dogs? Let’s find out.

https://instagram.com/p/0lfr53uRLI


Okay, this doesn’t look like much of a party, although in this guy’s defense, he does have a concussion (the man, not the dog). MacArthur is more excited than Apollo here, perhaps because he’s looking forward to his morning garbage can full of cereal in the background.

https://twitter.com/moniiCxo/status/582562049584050176

Also not much of a party, because it’s not clear Mike Hoffman’s bulldog is fully on-board with his particular brand of amorousness. It’s not exactly discomfort; it’s more of a perfunctory expression, like when you’re still mad about the fight over the credit card statement earlier but he’s making a big show of kissing you in front of everyone at the dinner party that you couldn’t cancel. Come on, Hoffman. Don’t put her on the spot like that, especially when you’re only moralizing about her Visa charges because you bought those new Callaways with cash. That’s right, she saw them, hidden in the garage behind the snow tires. So stop being such a jerk and just back off for a couple days.



Okay, it looks like this is as turnt as we’re going to get this month, and it still involves a large man tenderly kissing a small dog, in this case right after mastering the seamless “just turn everything off for three seconds” beatmatch. Forget it, let’s move on.

3) David Legwand (last month: NR)



Maybe we need to consider less usual suspects, so let’s consider David Legwand. David Legwand doesn’t participate in social media, probably because he’s old enough to remember polio. We can see how this decision sets him apart from Mike Hoffman, a man nine years his junior, in this Hoffman selfie – there’s no scarf, no product placement, no carefully styled hair . . . just a man, going about his business, probably reading Field and Stream.

It’s nice to find a throwback every now and then, isn’t it? To know that some people stay true to themselves rather than chase every little trend? Remember when K-cars were everywhere and ugly? The worst, right? But how awesome is it in 2015, the rare time you see a working K-car still on the road, its driver hanging a cigarette out the window in the middle of February? “I bet that guy parties,” you say. That K-car is David Legwand in this picture.

4) Andrew Hammond (last month: 6)

Hey, you can be 15-1-1, but that doesn’t mean the big sponsorships start rolling in right away. This tweet is great because it gives us an athlete who could not be more popular right now plugging a company that could not have less juice. It’s like seeing Harrison Ford shilling for invisible Japanese beer, or getting Erik Karlsson in your web commercial after you let him sit in your rented Lambo.

5) Bobby Ryan (last month: 5)

Yup, even the alleged swagger from our #1 this month turned out just to be product placement. Karlsson didn’t bother to hashtag the company, though. That’s juice. Less juice? When you make $7M a year but have to hang around an H&R Block in full gear hugging strangers, and Lazar still comes off more likeable than you, because of course he does. How many takes do you think they filmed for this commercial? Two?

6) Kyle Turris (last month: NR)

Karlsson and Ryan’s cheesy commercials remind us how low-budget, how milk-and-water, how ordinary the Senators were this month. So hang on, because now we’re entering the “Stars: They’re More or Less Similar to Us!” chunk of these rankings.

turrisHere’s the Senators’ #1 centre in his role as celebrity pitchman for his city’s fancy new department store. Pretty cool, right? Sure, until he starts making clarifying remarks about NCC road closures. How Ottawa is that?

7) Patrick Wiercioch (last month: NR)

https://twitter.com/PattyW46/status/574263997563867136

Then there’s his buddy Patrick, making his first tweet in seven months, but only because he lost his wife in that same department store. Patrick! It happens! Maybe do some browsing while you’re there? Maybe buy some slim-leg trousers that don’t look like you could use the cuffs to sail a Bermuda-rigged sloop?

8) Cody Ceci (last month: NR)

hat

Okay, this guy wins.

9) Following the rules (last month: NR)

Fine, I can accept that the Senators clearly didn’t do anything exciting last month, but at least they won the games, right? And at least they didn’t lecture us about how we were celebrating those victories inappropriately, right? Wait, they did? Well that tears it.

Look, burger-throwing is silly, but it’s a relatively harmless and definitely short-term bit of fun, not to mention one of the only Senators fan rituals I can think of that actually developed organically following a variety of ham-fisted attempts by the team. The same team, by the way, that was more than happy to promote said burger-throwing by playing up some now-iconic moments. But then somebody pointed out that some moron also threw a Filet-O-Fish, and everyone agreed that was gross, so all the fun had to stop immediately. You know how the conversation went, too:

“The fans are going to think we’re typical, no-fun Ottawa if we tell them to stop throwing burgers. How do we sell this?”

“Get Karlsson to do a video. He’s cool.”

“You’re right, he took some pictures in a rented Lambo the other day. Good idea. But who does the French?”

“Chiasson?”

“Can’t, he’s serving a double-minor for high-sticking right now.”

” . . . it’s 10:15 in the morning.”

“Weird, right?”

“Okay, Pageau?”

“Who?”

“Ah, let’s just get Methot.”

“Perfect, those guys have great chemistry. I’m sure neither will look completely embarrassed telling fans how to celebrate responsibly now that the team’s finally put together a few wins after underachieving for most of the year. Alright, margaritas?”

“Again, 10:15 in the morning.”

10) Mark Stone (last month: NR)

https://twitter.com/jetpack/status/578945884345364480

Is Mark Stone in a state of urinary urgency the appropriate note to end on? Sure, what the hell – see you next month! Maybe.

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; when knitting looks more realistic than your bobblehead; #wood.

Roundtable of Death: Life Comes At You Fast Edition

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"Boy, if you thought the Sens had a bad weekend, you should get a load of these guys! Reminded me of watching the Phillips-Karlsson pairing."

“Boy, if you thought the Sens had a bad weekend, you should get a load of these guys! Reminded me of watching the Phillips-Karlsson pairing.”

In which Luke, Varada, James, Chet, and Steph discuss the ways in which losing is not preferable to winning.

Luke says:

“For when the One Great Twitter comes
To mark against your name,
They write – not that you won or lost
But how you made your lineup decisions.”
– Grantland Rice (Mostly)

Friends, do you remember last week? It seems so long ago and yet I remember it as if it were only last week. Following six full weeks of sustained and improbable excellence, Ottawa had finally climbed the mountain to find themselves in a playoff spot for the first time since November, and Sens fans had a belief in the supernatural power of beef rarely seen in Western culture. It was heady times. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. I guess you had to be there.

Since that time a number (again, that number is “zero”) of Tuesdays ago, the Sens lost their talismanic journeyman goaltender to an ankle injury, allowed 4 goals in under 20 minutes to the Toronto Maple Leafs (who are terrible and should be celebrated only for their unwavering ability to consistently ice a team of 20 players who are either, by definition, professional hockey players or Zack Sill), and had their hearts ripped out by a 40+ year old legend who surprisingly wasn’t Daniel Alfredsson this time. Also, the Bruins, with whom the Sens are fighting for the last playoff spot in the East/14th overall draft pick, took 5 of an available 6 points, and now the Sens are 3 points out with a game in hand. Again.

Basically this is the sort of thing that could just as easily happen in the middle of November as at the end of March, but if I may put on my “Amateur Psychologist” novelty t-shirt for a minute, I’ll make an educated guess that what happened didn’t gall most Sens fans so much as how it happened. Turns out experiencing a lifetime of torment at the hands of the Leafs isn’t one of those things you eventually get used to and learn to accept. However, while I’m not going to argue that the Sens have played well in their last three games, I am going to make like MC Escher and provide some weird perspective. To wit:

1. After going a quarter of a season without playing a true stinker, the Senators coming out flatter than a plate of piss against the Rangers had a certain air of inevitability to it.

2. The frustration of Ottawa blowing a two goal lead to a Tyler Bozak hat trick belies the fact that it was such a Black Swan Event as to be literally unprecedented.

3a. If Dave Cameron’s answer is “Colin Greening on the second line”, I have serious reservations about the phrasing of the question.

3b. On the other hand, putting in two fresh guys on the second half of a back-to-back isn’t entirely illogical.

3c. On a third hand which has suddenly sprouted from my chest, Dave Cameron doesn’t actually play so there are only so many ways he can affect the game.

3d. Speaking of players who played, Jared Cowen #actually played pretty ok.

3e. For all the hand-wringing regarding Mike Hoffman’s place in the lineup, he still had more ice time on Sunday than any forward except Mark Stone and Erik Condra. Sure 6:30 of that was time spent on the powerplay, but at least Mike Hoffman is now getting hella time on the powerplay.

3f. I don’t begrudge Dave Cameron making lineup decisions based on nebulous psychological reasons like “trying to give the team a spark” or needing to “change things up a bit”. As no less than Ian Mendes pointed out, it’s tough not to argue that something had to give after the preceding two gong shows. I see this idea on Twitter a lot that coaching should really as simple as sending out your best players and that any other coaching adjustments are a sign of overthinking things and that psychology is overrated. I’d be willing to accept this idea a lot more if it weren’t for the fact that a number of the most successful coaches in sports are especially noted as much for their motivational ability as for their skills as tacticians and teachers. If you want to tell people that coaching the Bulls was as easy as sending out Michael Jordan at the same time as Scottie Pippin, be my guest, but also be prepared to accept my serene dismissal of that opinion. Dave Cameron’s been hitting every note correctly for six weeks straight while trying to drag this team into the playoffs. He missed one yesterday, but the task he’s been set is analogous to playing Rachmaninoff’s 3rd Piano Concerto as the guest soloist filling in for Yefim Bronfman. Even the pros think that ossia cadenza is a real tricky bastard to get right every time. Selah.

The Wisdom
The reality here is that despite the negativity in our souls, very little has changed. Ottawa still needs to win games. Boston losing games still helps a lot. The Sens need to go 4-2-1 in their remaining 7 games to make 95 points. 94 points has never been insufficient to make the Eastern Conference playoffs. If the Senators reach 95 points and still miss the playoffs (because reasons), I’ll be bitter only at the inherent injustice of it all, not at a team who will have done enough by any reasonable definition except the one that counts. I’m gonna focus on the process (winning), not the results (playoffs).

Varada Says:

There’s something to be said about the fact that it took an agonizingly long period of time – about three weeks – and an unprecedented winning streak for Ottawa to claw its way into a playoff spot, and then it took all of three days to fall basically out of contention. With every win it seemed like our playoff probability increased by, what, 3%? Then, two losses later, it’s plunged from the lofty 70%+s that sent us, Viking-like, to the tops of our coffee tables, roaring in the faces of loved ones and sending the ottoman tumbling chaotically from its feet to its side, to the 20-whatever% that has me standing in the driveway and looking up at the moon and saying softly, so softly, “Beyond those mountains lie madness.”

I said this on Twitter, and now I say it again on this actual, legitimate website: It’s weird when you have hobbies that don’t make you feel good. And with this win streak followed by this losing streak, the Senators have become a hobby on par with all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. It was so, so good for a while. Then you could see through time for a while. Then the depression and angriness set in.

So I guess Ottawa could go on another ridiculous run, but with games against Tampa and Detroit and shit, it’s hard to see it happening. Their special sauce has turned. There are so many positives to take from this magical, nigh-Matrix-like run. But we tasted the nectar of the gods and had that gourd pulled away from our luscious lips at the last moment BY THE FUCKING TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS seriously we all knew that was going to happen.

As for line combos, I feel like it’s a matter of not really having any other interface with which to criticize a team. It’s no coincidence that line combos are basically the only thing coaches ever get criticized for. But I have to admit, Greening is on some NEXT LEVEL cursed existence thing here. If you had told me that with only a few games left in the season Colin Greening would have one empty net goal…and that’s it…I’d tell you that you were being an hysterical mouthbreather.

Sent from a mobile phone

James Says:

I’m not here to be a complete apologist for any and all weird coaching decisions but for me, if the team is really struggling for a couple of games I’ve just come to expect some line up shuffling. Like Luke said, in-game, there’s really only so much a coach can do to provide a spark outside player assignment. There’s an argument to be made (and a good one) that players need consistency to break out of a funk. Troo, troo. Also, on the other side, if a player you count on is not performing or looking lethargic, the concept of giving them a temporary demotion in favour of someone who doesn’t get much of a shot or who might have more legs and could potentially give you the level of play that you’re looking for, isn’t exactly mind blowing either.

The other thing, when shit drastically hits the skids like now, I have such a hard time assuming that because guys are in the line up consistently that they are all 100% healthy. I mean, we are 75 games deep in the season. Also, Andrew Hammond seen limping out of arena, has to start game two days later and heyyyyyy cant move side to side very well…I think more than a few of us were shocked. He can’t start the next game, magically Craig Anderson who hasn’t even been backing him up much is good to start. Probably not. The team’s also been without Milan Michalek who, like him or not, was absolutely flying during the run. I’m saying, I personally think these injuries have hurt things more than some line shuffling.

As to what happens next, well, in a post-sweeping the Kings, Sharks and Ducks on the road paradigm, I’m officially on “I have no fucking idea” status for the rest of the season (thx 4 reading). That’s also the reason why even the height of the Sens crazy streak I was looking at it long-game, as such a positive for next season. Doesn’t mean I’ve given up or don’t “believe” or whatever. The Sens do the impossible? Guess how long Ima cherish that: Guess. The rest of my sad, li’l lyfe. If not, I’ve seen it before. In all my years on the force, workin’ the beat, I’ve seen a lot of odds defying, Cinderella teams and I’ve seen a lot of 4 line, relentless killbot factories and guess which of those two I’ve seen more of succeed. Guess. K.

Consistency through the season gets you into a position where you don’t have to do things like run the table for like 2 months to squeak into a wild card spot. You just, you know, qualify. You know like we did back in Covered Wagon Tymes.

A healthy, signed Marc Methot, a couple 20 goal rookies who look like the belong in the top 6, Zibanejad surpassing expectations, a coach who despite a couple of clunkers looks like he’s shifted the teams playing style to the more uptempo brand they looked like they were built for…oh and living proof the team is better off without Phillips and Neil. Sorry, but if this streak proved one thing it’s that a changing of the guard is looking more than clear. Those are the things that make me believe the Sens can be in the playoff conversation for more than a few weeks but maybe a whole season going forward.

Chet Says:

Like with baking a cake, putting on your socks and shoes, or plotting the perfect murder, the order in which you do things matters. If the Senators’ last three losses had happened in early February, when we were all closing down the bar with one more karaoke version of “Tanke Schoen”, and NOW they were on a 17-2-2 run? We’d all be high as gin-soaked kites. And yet where would we be? Three points out, with a game in hand.

Or say the Senators took that 17-2-2 run and spread it out over the course of the year, rather than the last month and a half. For just one more win a week, *Sarah MacLachlan music starts, sad-looking dogs shuffle in* YOU can help have a consistent hockey squad that people are still vaguely unsatisfied with, using terms like “bubble team,” and “tweeners”, and “disappointment, just like when my son flunked out of clown school.” Clown school is harder than you think, though. And where would we still be? Three points out, with a game in hand.

Yes, it’s nice to be consistent sometimes. But what makes for a better story – doing the speed limit on the highway all the way to where you’re going, or taking a few crazy-ass detours, outrunning a couple cops, seeing some weird backwoods stuff you can’t unsee, partying with a bear, trying pies you’ve never even HEARD of… and still making it to where you’re going just in time? Because one of those is consistent, and one of those is memorable. And if you’re gonna ultimately finish the year three points out again, which would you prefer?​

We all know the Senators aren’t as good as their last six weeks, but they aren’t as bad as the last three games, either. I have no clue what’s they’re going to do in their last seven games and neither do you. We can’t predict when a team will suddenly go on some inexplicable hot streak or cold streak, only that hockey players try to have memories like goldfish for a reason, so that last night’s game doesn’t affect tomorrow’s. Does it always work? Of course not. But does losing to the Leafs and Panthers mean they’re going to lose to the Red Wings and Lightning? This year, I wouldn’t bet on it. Seven games left, three points out, with a game in hand, let’s see what happens.

*looks at tomorrow night’s lines*

Oh.

Steph Says:

So how’s everyone’s hangover? I’m assuming you all got blackout drunk to forget the nightmare that was this weekend in Sens hockey. I honestly can’t fault them for the Rangers loss, but the Leafs game should have been a guaranteed 2 points instead of the shaky mess that it was. Tyler Bozak got a career high 4 points. Bozak. Career high. Help. And I mean the rest of the schedule is also not amazing, even if the teams that clinched or are almost guaranteed a playoff spot all rest their top players. I stupidly checked how the Sens have fared against the teams in their remaining schedule and it’s not good (getting less than half the total possible points against those teams kind of ‘not good’). But as much as I loved Hammond, we can’t lay all the praise on him for Sorta Saving the Sens (trademark pending) and all the blame on Anderson for Fucking Up Everything (sad trademark pending). I have to assume this sudden downturn is mostly attributable to end of season fatigue-like they played 15 games in 29 days in March and got 22 of a possible 30 points type of fatigue. That’s pretty incredible but it makes me tired just writing it.

Should some lines have not played nearly as much as they were? YES, FUCK YES, WHY, CAMERON, WHY? And maybe I’ve been having night terrors about Colin Greening, maybe I haven’t. Plus there have been some injuries (Michalek) and some players presumably pretending to not be injured (Hammond) too that people kinda seem to be ignoring in favour putting the blame on easy (read: also deserving) targets like Cameron and Anderson. I’d love for the Sens to get into the playoffs, but if the price to be paid is 4 players recovering from injuries for half the following season, maybe no thank u. Really, a lot of the things responsible for the Sens sudden slowing can be attributed to fatigue, which isn’t very optimistic for the remaining games, but obviously I’mma still be optimistic because why the fuck not, optimism never hurts. Like these other humans said, it’s a lot more of the same-Sens have pretty bad odds of winning these games, but, you know, COULD. Longview: it was two shitty games that happened at a bad time, but playoffs are not out of the picture. The Bruins are not irredeemably ahead. Shit could happen. Good shit, I mean, not like the shit that happened this weekend which we will never speak of again. Anyway, even with all the things I just wrote, I think the Sens will get the same sort of manic sprint-to-the-end energy that every student going into exams knows, and totally NOT get run out of the playoffs in the first round (and that wasn’t even sarcasm). ​

Trading Goalies: Don’t Hate the Player, Hate the Game

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So, this is a bit of a weird one, innit?

We began the season wondering if the extension to Craig Anderson was prudent given that Robin Lehner was clearly ready to ascend to both his throne of human skulls and the starting position, in which case we’d have an overpriced backup goaltender who’d already proclaimed he needs to start a lot of games to be effective. And now, with only a handful of games left, Lehner is all but an afterthought, Anderson continues to have a puzzling number of hand problems, and an unheralded, undrafted goaltender with terrible numbers in the AHL is pulling the earth off its orbit by ignoring the rules of physics and chance.

From a resource management point-of-view, it’s an enviable position for the Sens to be in, and I know we’re all into hockey because it fulfills our need to debate about resource management. They have a bona-fide starter with a reasonable salary. A young, prestige goalie with the potential to be a franchsie cornerstone, also with a reasonable salary. And a player who is either nothing or the second coming of the son of god on whom to sell high.

The problem with trying to cash in on Hammond while his value is high is that the number of times someone has pointed out that Andrew Hammond’s performance is not sustainable has now reached stratospheric heights. I don’t think there’s anyone in the league, Sens fans included, who think that what’s happening right now is normal. I mean, it’s fun as hell and I don’t want it to ever stop, but if Ottawa were to try to cash in on him, what would they get? A draft pick, AKA a lottery ticket? Maybe a later-round prospect?

Jaroslav Halak once had a magical run for the Canadiens, carrying the team on his back to the Eastern Conference Finals. And Halak – an NHL goaltender who was actually drafted and developed – yielded two prospects in return: former first round pick Lars Eller, who could be a second-line player, and Ian Schultz, who has yet to crack an NHL lineup.

In retrospect it seems like a decent enough return, in that Eller has cemented a place in the Habs lineup. But two untested prospects for the hottest goaltender in hockey, and who was only 24 at the time–supposedly entering his prime–held a lot of risk. Neither player is really comparable in worth to a starting goaltender, even if the Habs didn’t know at the time that that’s what Halak was.

Hammond is 27, and has far worse numbers than Halak (up until recently, obviously). A team might want to gamble on him by sending a later pick Ottawa’s way, but what’s more valuable to the Senators: a pick with a tiny chance of becoming an NHL player, and likely a third or fourth liner at that, or the chance, however slight, that Hammond is a legit starter? If it doesn’t pan out, it seems worth the risk.

Given how little it will likely take to re-sign Hammond, and how little the team will get in a trade, I think it only makes sense to keep the good times rolling and swing for the fences on this one.

What about Anderson? For all of his injury problems, has also been stellar for Ottawa this year, deserving a far better fate in many of his losses. Injuries will always be a concern with his age, but I think he can provide value at least through the end of his current deal.

Which brings us to Robin Lehner.

Now, I like Lehner. I think he gives Ottawa just the amount of crazy it needs to get by, especially considering their lineup is made-up of fresh-faced, genuinely nice guys like Turris, Karlsson, and Lazar. I love this speedy, skilled iteration of the Sens, but let’s admit that they’re not the most intimidating bunch. In that context, I enjoy Lehner’s goat sacrificing, Satanistic ways. But the number of times he’s been mentioned in a package deal for something truly ridiculous – Rick Nash or Taylor Hall fer Crissake – makes the potential for a deal too tantalizing to pass us. Lehner still has the perceived value to wrest something of qualitatively demonstrable value from another team’s grubby hands.

There’s a lot of risk in what I’m describing, of course. Going into a season with a 33-year old starter and a 27-year old backup, and without a blue chip goaltending prospect in the hopper, is generally not a recipe for sound sleeps.

I maintain, however, that the opportunity here is just too interesting to pass up. I’ve seen what Bryan Murray and his drafting team can do with a mid-round pick (names rhymes with Schmarlsson) but it’s truly tantalizing to think of Ottawa packaging their first rounder in the draft this year with Lehner to plug a hole on their blueline, or add scoring help up front, or both.

Murray and Melnyk must feel a bit vindicated with this recent run–it turns out that the team is a lot better than anyone thought, and all it took was all of the team’s bad players getting injured at once to prove it. But they could turn into a really interesting dark horse contender in the East if they added that gamebreaking piece that only a prestige player like Lehner can get you.

James Day Preview: Sens Take on Boston in the Weekly Biggest Game of the Year CLASSIC

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Remember folks, it's R Kelly Night at the Tires.com Arena. That means everyone in the 300's gets an R Kelly Mask™, everyone in the 200s gets a camcorder and everyone in the 100s gets a rain poncho. Should be a fun night!

Remember folks, it’s R Kelly Night at the Tires.com Arena. That means everyone in the 300’s gets an R Kelly Mask™, everyone in the 200s gets a camcorder and everyone in the 100s gets a rain proof poncho. Should be a night of good clean fun!

Hi, it’s cold again!

How arrrrrrrrre uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu? Listen, shut up for a second its time for the hockey.

We Sens fans are being treated to one of the most unprecedented streaks in franchise history right now. We are witness to an historic time that we should try to appreciate every moment of while it lasts.
I am, of course, talking about the improbable run of two straight games against the Boston Bruins that are both highly anticipated and worth watching. Wow. What a time. Hockey is UN-PRE-DIC-TABLE.
Win or lose, just enjoy the excitement, for you don’t know what you’ve got til you’re dozing through a 1-0 afternoon game in Boston where they’re trapping up like they’re on the 8th game of a west coast trip after a garbage goal that banks in off Cowen’s skate credited to the swaggerless Dan Paille. Celebrate the moments of our lives.

Speaking of winning or losing and every game being the Biggest Game of the Year, to quote Bobby Ryan, “If we do finish a few points out, there are going to be a lot of games we’ll be thinking about in the off season.”
Yo. I feel you BR, I mean I’m not even ON the team (yet) and if that happens Ima STAY thinkin’ bout games liiiiike:

– Oct 25, 3-2 OTL to the Olde Mans of New Jersey at home
– Nov. 9,  5-3 L to Toronto (who are somehow worse than I thought they were) at home
– Nov. 28, 3-2 L to Florida City
– Jan. 29, 6-3 L to Dallas at home
– Feb. 7, 4-1 L to Columbia at home (with fuckin Curtis McElhinney in net TBFH)

Nnnnnnnnnow, I get that it’s easy for me to cherry pick all the “easy” games the Senators blew and get all, “Mike Brodeur woulda stopped that” but I think that’s what has been kind of frustrating for me this season. I knew that this team was better than they were the first half of it. I believe Ottawa did not stick in the McDavid lottery conversation because they simply aren’t bad enough to be a lottery team. Ottawa could finish the season with up to six 20 goal scorers. You want to know REAL suckage? Alex Chiasson would be 4th in team scoring on the Sabres. FOURTH. Perspective: I FORGET THAT GUY IS ON THE TEAM SOMETIMES.
Anyway, the Sens spotty record is still not as annoying as it was last year but there are some games I wish they could have taken so that now every game now wouldn’t be so do or die. Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Maybe that’s what’s fueling our beautiful babies night after night. Also, revisionist bologna is for losers. Zima™ is for closers and I’m a hot blooded man and I wants my fuckin ZIMA™. ARF ARF ARF!!!!!!

Mr. Grybachev….tear down these Bruins. (Shout out to all my fellow 70 year olds who holdin me down on that weak ass joke!!!!!!!)
Erik Gryba is in for Jared Cowen. I’m in favor of this move because Erik Gryba is better than Jared Cowen. So…that just about wraps this part up.

Dusted Hoffman
Heyyy, still playin great and everything. It’s a blessing on our house to have a rookie who was actually put on waivers last year emerge as a dynamic, top six scoring force, but our scoring dynamo hasnt put up a point in 5 games and Daddy (ew sorry) wants Hoffy to hit 30 this year. Tonight would be a fantastic night for our magnificent little G to get going again. Maybe it’s that there was some majik sherm in this old silk hat I found at the Greyhound station, but something tells me if Hoffman gets one they could come in bunches again. Goals in bunches are what the boys are going to need tonight against Tuukka Rask (who I haaaaaaaaaaate)…

I Hate Tuukka Rask Fun Korner
Look, he might look like an evil talking doll that’s not to be trusted but its not so much him I hate as the situation. Boston is led to a Stanley Cup win on the back of the Conn Smythe winner, frontiersman, Birth Certificate Truther and Confederate Patriot Tim Thomas. Fine fuck. He destroyed Ottawa basically every time they played during his tenure. Then he retires to focus on exposing that it’s the Knight’s Templar NOT The Priory of Sion controlling the Federal Reserve. GREAT! Praise be. We’re free. OH WHAT’S THIS? OH GOOD THE BACKUP REPLACING HIM IS A FUCKING VEZINA WINNING FINNISH NIGHTMARE.
Hopefully it will all come back around in the future when Erik Karlsson retires (at age 50) and just when the Montreal Canadiens breathe a sigh of relief, Ottawa calls up late round pick Paul Coffey Junior who goes on to win the The Erik Karlsson Trophy For Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Defense Even Though You’re Pretty Unfairly Criticized For What I Feel Is a Pretty Solid Element of Your Game Considering the Numbers You Manage to Put Up On a Yearly Basis Not to Mention the Minutes You Get (Formerly called The Norris Trophy).

What else?

OH, R. Kelly starts in goal for Ottawa. You don’t want to know what you’re supposed to let rain down on the ice if he gets first star.

ENJOY THE GAME!!! 

And Now a Word on Patrick Wiercioch

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Let me preface this by saying that even though I poke fun a lot on this website and on Twitter, the truth is I don’t hate Patrick Weircioch. In fact, I think he’s pretty ok. How ok? Well it’s hard to say. He’s obviously good at the shot generation thing, and he’s got the ability to make great passes in both zones, although he’s the beneficiary of some sheltered minutes. He’s also a bit of what I’ll call “An Experience” in his own zone, as I can recall several times this season where he’s been walked by the likes of Jonathan Toews or Jaromir Jagr. Of course that could happen to anyone, but it’s always in the back of my mind whenever I watch Wiercioch shakily defend an opponent’s top players. Consequently I’m not banging down Dave Cameron’s door because I think playing Patrick Wiercioch is the path to enlightenment. I think Patrick Wiercioch is a useful player who, when deployed correctly, can lead to significant matchup problem’s for Ottawa’s opponents. I HEREBY STAKE FOR MYSELF THIS MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN THE EYE TEST AND FANCY STATS! *Plants flag that’s acutally just a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders*

There’s another thing I think which is that Wiercioch might be frustrating to play with and coach. The two goals he was on the ice for against Boston demonstrate why. Let’s look at the first goal.

Exhibit A
pw1

As you can see in Exhibit A, I’ve directed your attention to Patrick Wiercioch, who is leading the rush. He’s tried to get a shot off like the Corsi Wizard™ he is, but unfortunately he’s just lost the puck instead and said puck is about to come back the other way in a hurry.

Exhibit B
pw2

As Exhibit B shows, Cody Ceci is just coming off the bench on a change and is streaking towards the open ice where another defenseman would normally be if he wasn’t on a change or leading the rush. And that’s the thing: Wiercioch has demonstrated a lack of awareness about how the play is developing, tried to make an offensive play at a very high risk time, and put Ceci in a hard position of trying to defend this one-on-one by starting from his own bench. We see a similar situation on the second goal.

Exhibit C
pw3

Looking at Exhibit C, we see a situation similar to the one in Exhibit A. Patrick Wiercioch has sneaked down from the point and tried to make something happen, but the puck’s gone the other way and now Ottawa’s got 4 players below the puck. What’s especially frustrating about this picture is that just who Wiercioch would have expected to rotate back on defense to cover for his pinch on the far side is ambiguous. Once again, Wiercioch has made an ambitious play with the best of intentions in a high-risk situation. This time it’s Erik Karlsson who will pay the ultimate price i.e. look bad at defending.

Exhibit D
pw4

Exhibit D shows Milan Michalek backchecking just as fast as his German engineered knees will allow, but it’s all he can do to turn the play from a 2-on-1 to a 2-on-1.5. If this is the result of a play, you picked a bad time to pinch. Now, some will rightly say “Yes, but we wouldn’t be having this conversation if Cody Ceci or Erik Karlsson had done their job on these plays.”, and that’s true. However, I don’t think Patrick Wiercioch should get a pass here. He was the butterfly who flapped his wings which ultimately lead to the metaphorically appropriate destructive weather pattern. There’s lots of blame to go around here, and the blame starts with Patrick Wiercioch’s decision making.

If I may tie this all together to a sort of hockey worldview, I’d like to draw your attention to this excellent piece by Ary M (@carteciel) on Silver Seven. There’s a money quote in there from Igor Larionov that a lot of people have latched on to, and it’s this:

It’s easier to destroy than to create. As a coach, it’s easier to tell your players to suffocate the opposing team and not turn the puck over. There are still players whose imagination and creativity capture the Soviet spirit – Johnny Gaudreau in Calgary, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews in Chicago just to name a few. However, they are becoming exceptions to the rule. Many young players who are intelligent and can see the game four moves ahead are not valued. They’re told “simple, simple, simple.” That mentality is kind of boring. Nobody wants to get fired. Nobody wants to get sent down to the minors. If you look at the coaches in Juniors and minor league hockey, many of them were not skill players. It’s a lot of former enforcers and grinders who take these coaching jobs. Naturally, they tell their players to be just like them. Their players are 17, 18 years old – younger than I was when I joined the Red Army team. Say what you want about the Whiplash mentality (or the Soviet mentality), but if coaches are going to push kids at that age, why are they pushing them to play a simple game? Why aren’t coaches pushing them to create a masterpiece?

Now I realize I’m just some guy howling at the moon on the internet, but I still wanna hit Igor Larionov with a bit of an #actually here. We all love beautiful, creative play in sports over boring structure. Don’t get it twisted, no one is setting their PVR to record ESPN Classic whenever they’re showing games from the New Jersey Devils’ 1995 Stanley Cup run. However, creativity is an expression of individualism whereas hockey is a team sport. This conflict must be reconciled in the form of the elusive concept known as “chemistry”. With rare exceptions, chemistry between players is not natural so much as it is manufactured. You have to keep players together and make them practice with each other enough until they instinctually know what their teammates are going to do and how the play is going to develop. It’s easy for Igor Larionov to talk about creativity in a team sport when he comes from a system of player development that took the best players from an entire country and had them train together for 11 months out of the year1. For better or worse, that’s just not how things work any more. Instead, coaches teach a fluid game using a system so that everyone knows what everyone else is supposed to be doing and can play accordingly. In high level hockey, mistakes are too costly to play otherwise. That’s the real reason coaches keep the game simple.

The truth of the matter is that highly structured play is the best use of limited resources in terms of talent and time. Coaches don’t teach simple, safe hockey because that’s how they played, they teach it because it’s the best way to get results in a world with transient resources, where hockey players are always moving between teams at every level. And if you think skilled, creative players would necessarily make for good coaches, then I have six words for you: Phoenix Coyotes Head Coach Wayne Gretzky.

I bring this up because although I’m not sure he’s always on the same page as everyone else, it’s clear Patrick Wiercioch is a skilled and creative hockey player, and that’s borne out in his excellent possession stats. Any real or perceived flaws in Wiercioch’s game are eminently fixable. However, until he tightens up his game a bit, I think the Ottawa Senators management is always going to feel a little apprehensive about him. Dave Cameron might look at the tape from the Boston game and say “Patrick, your two poor decisions last night ended up costing us goals, so I’m putting Jared Cowen back in.” It might happen. It’s always easier for a coach to make excuses for a player who makes a mistake while doing what he’s supposed to do vs. a player who makes a mistake by not doing what he’s supposed to do (hence the eternal question of “Why is Mark Borowiecki?”).

And should The Scratching of Patrick Wiercioch come to pass (again), I will argue it is not proof of a coach suffering from a terminal case of The Eye Tests, it is merely growing pains for a player who, in the words of Bryan Murray, could be a very, very good player but isn’t quite there yet2.

1. Slava Fetisov casually dropped this fact in his promotional interview with Jon Stewart for the critically acclaimed documentary Red Army. If you’re interested in further viewing regarding the Soviet hockey dynasty, I also recommend the excellent 30-for-30 documentary Of Miracles and Men. I will not link to it, but it’s currently available on Youtube assuming you have a working knowledge of the search function.↩

2. Passing Mark Borowiecki in points is the first step to becoming a very, very good player.↩

James Day Preview: Ottawa hosts Boston in Somewhat Important Game

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bruins

*please click before skimming*

It’s a James Day Miracle!

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, my brothers and sisters or who knows what spice, a team I have consistently billed as “the most boring good team in the league” comes to town for their first of two matches in 10 days and it’s actually H_LLA worth watching!
Let’s be honest, what are your top 3 teams you cannot WAIT to see fall from goodness to the turlet? Boston’s got to be in that mix right? They’re not even close to pushovers yet but word is spreading of their decline. The fact that Ottawa has gone 2-1 with them this year instead of the usual 0-3 shows that the things they could be a-changin’. What better opportunity to prove that than tonight?

Sunday’s game against Calgary could have been last year’s soul destroying game against Edmonton (shout out to Alex Hentski wherever he may be).
Myself having been in attendance at the CTC Sunday night (holds for cheers of congratulations) I am happy to report that my therapy is progressing nicely and I am ready to watch Ottawa Senators hockey again without screaming and screaming and screaming.
Ugly a win as it was, I  can’t believe I am looking at the same team that I watched put up a combined 10 wins through November and December try to rack up as many in about 2 weeks. Wait…am I watching the same team?

The line up that brokered peace on twitter:

Hoffman-Zibanejad-Ryan
Michalek-Turris-Stone
Condra-Pageau-Lazar
Puempel-Legwand-Chiasson

Methot-Karlsson
Wiercioch-Ceci
Borowiecki-Gryba

What are we supposed to complain about? Power play goal leader David Legwand (lolz, eh? Look that shit up)? Bottom pairing defenseman Mark Borowiecki who even without scoring that goal probably just played the best game I’ve ever seen from him? Are we supposed to wholeheartedly cheer for these guys? What’s a fan to do? We must be strong and carry on and pick away at our team that hasn’t suffered a regulation loss in like half a month.

I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Dave Cameron’s success in his still early tenure as head coach has come in part due to player deployment. The line up he gets to ice, I think, has to do with two factors.

Lack of job security:
Cam’ron has been pretty hardbody about icing the players that he feels give him the best chance to win and he’s been steady winnin’ doing it. Maybe he has testiclads made of iron but I think it has more to do with not having a Jack Adams, a playoff round win against a high seed and a long term contract in his pocket (it’s a big pocket!). Dude’s playing for his NHL coaching career right now and has been making power moves. Case in point of late, tonight will mark the 5th game since Jared Cowen’s suspension was served in full and shit’s been MAD quiet for the gentle giant Seinfeld. If you’ve been out c’here arguing relentlessly through the season that it should be Cowen sitting regularly and not Weircioch, pour yourself a bit of that Ballentine, put on Boyz II Men 2 (I recommend “I’ll make love 2 u”) and enjoy it. You did it, Boo. To me, there have been few bolder moves by a Sens coach this season. The paint by numbers coach move against the “big bad” Bruins is to ice the G who just got hit with his 2nd suspension in just a 207 game career to bring the physical element. Instead Killa Cam goes with the far more skilled Patrick Wiercioch, which is quite the statement as he is softer than my new chinchilla hat. It’s a move I like but a bold one considering how things have gone most of the season. Often times MacLean seemed intent on sending messages to skilled players through punishing our…entertainment value with shit like Chris Phillips on the power play. Cameron don’t got the luxury of sending messages. Game recognize game. But also…

Injuries BEEN helping avoid deployment politics:
Of course, you gotta here both sides that coach Cam’ron has benefited from a few guys missing extended time. But before I get to that, the biggest gift the new boss has been given since taking over for Paul MacLean has been a healthy Marc Methot. I don’t think anyone can deny that Methot has gone from sliding into shorties DMs to sliding back into his top pairing role with equal smooveness. As a result, Karlsson has gone from looking like the best player on the team that has to play with a bottom pairing rookie or local business owner to looking like the best player on the team who gets to play with a proper top 4 shutdown partner.
In some ways, Cameron’s benefited from being forced to ice a younger, more skilled line up. Should be interesting to see what happens when Neil, Phillips (K.I.A.?), Smith, even MacArthur come back. But no matter what your allegiance is player-wise you must admit we’ve been treated to some pretty fun hockey during the past few weeks.Things are clicking.

Can’t talk player usage without a good ol’ Steamed Ham on the side.
I will now break my LEGENDARY silence on how I feel about Anderson starting:
It’s friggin’ fine. If this team’s going to make the playoff push we all hope so badly they do, Andy’s going to have to be a goalie the team can lean on in huge games too. The sooner he can get back to proving he’s still the fantastic goaltender he is, the better. With a couple of back to backs and just a general fuckload of games on the horizon, The Andrewburglar will still have plenty of time to be a hero by Brungling Hams or whatever the kids are saying on Chatsnaps™ these days.

Wwaavveeyy thoughts
Look I’ve brought up a couple of times that this rag tag bunch of Rory Calhouns(?) that could barely string together 3 wins all year hasn’t lost a regulation game in a couple of weeks. It’s crazy, exciting, stressful and I wont use the most buzz killing word in sports: Unsustainable…(did that just count? whtvr hear me out.) What I’m saying is I get it. We’re all cool. We’re a bunch of Ryan Gooselings chewin our gum and dental care toothpicks. But regardless of what happens tonight when the final buzzer goes remember: This team’s basically stunk for two seasons. Let’s smoke some of this amazing run they’ve been on while it lasts. It’s been the best time to be a Sens fan since May 2013.

Enjoy the game and beat nem Broonz!

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings – March 2015

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Surprisingly, the Senators did their jobs ON the ice in February, but let’s cut right to the chase – did they do their jobs OFF the ice? Why are you even wasting time reading this introduction, let’s go!

1) Erik Karlsson (last month: 2)

This picture’s great because you’ve got the grizzled veteran, gradually accepting the footsteps of the generation coming up behind him, and the young up-and-comer, wondering how he’s going to be taken seriously as an actor after Titanic.

You wanna know why Bryan Murray kept Erik Condra around as a “glue guy”, as an “in-the-room guy”? Because Bryan Murray demands the best from his players and knows how to light a fire underneath them. He knows that Erik Condra wins these power rankings most of the time, and every now and then that absurdity provides Erik Karlsson with the necessary motivation to pull his phone out and show us how the other half really lives. So what are the superstars doing this month?

Getting free, unsolicited caricatures! Us regular folks gotta pay $15 down at the boardwalk for one of those, and for some reason we always get drawn holding a golf club, even though we specifically said we don’t golf. Take some more pride in your work, $15 caricature guys.

Texting while driving in inclement weather! What, you think that kind of multi-tasking is a bad idea? You’re looking at a guy who survived an early-season pairing with Mark Borowiecki; he can steer out of a skid with one hand.

Volunteering with seniors! They just have so much to teach us, y’know?

Wearing sushi shorts! Only 110 euros with shipping, not including customs. Remember: when someone takes your picture in these babies, the pro move is to keep the quadruple Bay Breeze in your right hand just out of frame.

Weighing in on Tom Waits’ discography! Because just when people try to peg you as a Swedish fancy boy who only like EDM and tasteful, beardy neo-folk, let ‘em know you spent last Friday night listening to wild hobo rasps over banged garbage-can lids! Keep them guessing!

Seriously, Erik Karlsson could and should win these rankings every month. But it’s like the Norris – once you’ve won once, you’ve got to be better the next time, even if you’re still the best. And that means that more often than not, someone good-enough, like Erik Condra or P.K. Subban, gets sucked into the very vacuum you create.

2) Erik Condra (last month: 1)



Aren’t you from Michigan? Put your barbecue next to the patio door, Condra.

3) Bryan Murray (last month: NR)

Russell Crowe IS Bryan Murray in the upcoming biopic "Shawville Redemption".

Russell Crowe IS Bryan Murray in “The Shawville Redemption”.

We’ve looked at life from both sides now, so let’s move on to the man who’s agreed to keep Eriks major and minor together, at least for a few more months. We’ve already broken down, though beard-stroking consensus, why Murray’s inaction at the deadline was the right approach, but make no mistake – he’s got plans. Trading half his roster to the Oilers? Possible. Signing Andrew Hammond to an eight-year deal? Not out of the question. Continuing to gaslight Patrick Wiercioch? Of course. Making Jared Cowen the NHL’s first player-coach since 1970? That one might be the most likely, actually. Did you know he’s 6-5?

4) Marc Methot (last month: NR)

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Then there’s the other planet orbiting Karlsson’s sun this month, Marc Methot. They sure played up the bromance angle when Methot re-signed, didn’t they? You saw this interview, right? Marc Methot eats early! Tips sparingly! Wears simple clothes! Erik Karlsson stays up late! Spreads his cash around! Dresses like a medieval falconer! But when this odd couple gets together on the ice, it turns out they’re made for each other! I mean, I know these two are now together until 2019, but I’m just saying – nobody ever asked Filip Kuba what he thought about Karlsson’s cranny of hair products.

When these two are pending free agents in four years, will they negotiate with the Senators, or the Las Vegas Black Dice, as a unit? Will their pairing be threatened before that, when Jared Cowen ascends to his destined status as the team’s #1 shutdown defenseman? Will Karlsson ever convince Methot to buy a $500 t-shirt? We’ll soon find out.

5) Bobby Ryan (last month: 4)

https://twitter.com/b_ryan9/status/566422923448029185
https://twitter.com/b_ryan9/status/566819451732262913

Remember what I said last month about finding restaurants no matter where you live? There you go.

Now that Bobby Ryan is finally a homeowner and official resident of Ottawa for (up to) seven years, how else do you think his life is going to change? Will he have his own hot take about the city’s false starts with light rail? Quietly set the high score on Addams Family pinball at House of TARG? Get us a Chipotle?

We all watch the Bachelor – the whirlwind courtship is exciting, but it’s just the theatrical run-up to what’s (ideally) a long-term journey of love. The cameras are off now – no more helicopter rides, no more roses, no more decisions – just Bobby Ryan and the city of Ottawa, alone at last, figuring out a life together. What will they talk about? How will they change each other? And really, what are you more excited about – watching Bobby Ryan develop his on-ice chemistry with Mika Zibanejad over the next few years, or watching him argue with idiots on Twitter about the city’s best sharwarma joint?

6) Bow ties (last month: NR)

Last month, the Sens Foundation held its annual Sens Soirée youth charity event at the casino (official motto: “the only place the Senators ever hold anything”); the theme was “Dixie Bound”, which basically meant all the players wore the same bow tie, just as one would at any antebellum gala, or maybe a boys’ choir recital. What’s that? A worst- and best-dressed list? Okay, if you say so.

WORST!

#3: Robin Lehner
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These two aren’t badly dressed per se, but they look like they’re going to spend all night smoking kreteks, make a few nihilistic remarks, and then leave in a hovercraft. They terrify me.

#2: Kyle Turris
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Kyle Turris goes for a fashion-forward cutaway collar that ends up drowning out his bow tie. Kyle! You look like Vincent Price!

#1: Marc Methot
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This suit looks like it’s made out of a barbecue cover.

BEST!

#3: Erik Karlsson
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Obviously.

#2: Milan Michalek
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Check out Purplesaurus Rex over here. These kinds of bold violet shades, worn carelessly, can make one look like a Dick Tracy villain, but Milo pulls it off by keeping things simple and ends up looking dressed to (penalty) kill. Thanks for reading.

#1: Andrew Hammond
null
Be honest: on February 5, when this picture was taken, you had no idea who this guy was, right? He’d been an emergency call-up a week before, hadn’t played a game, and spent most of his time wearing a mask, for crying out loud. But when you look closer, you see the confident gait of a man who knows you’re going to know exactly who he is very soon, don’t you? Why else would he come stag?

7) Chris Phillips (last month: 5)

https://instagram.com/p/zVehtnxCXX/


Good on Big Rig for street-teaming their merch like this, but would YOU trust a first responder showing up to your emergency repping everybody’s favorite neighborhood brewpub? Like, “sorry, I don’t have the tools to cut you out of that car, but you’ll need “jaws of life” to wrap your mouth around this signature 8-oz. chipotle turkey burger! … I agree, that is a lot of blood.”

8) Jean-Gabriel Pageau (last month: NR)



Yeah, he’s a little short to be an enforcer, but let’s be honest: he could probably still knock Kassian on his ass.

9) Curtis Lazar (last month: 7)

Curtis Lazar – he’s just like us! Here we see Lazar, who’s previously used Twitter to show himself doing normal-dude things like driving around, helping friends move, and winning the world junior championships, taking a ball in the face from Chris Phillips’ daughter. Unfortunately, the video cuts out before one of Chris Neil’s kids steps up and lays her out shortly thereafter. You have to send a message with that kind of crap.

10) Mike Hoffman (last month: 10)



Speaking of short, Vince Carter is 6-6. Mike Hoffman’s player page on NHL.com lists him as 6-0. Sure, what the hell – see you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; when Val Kilmer crashes your date; when people don’t get the “Seger in ’75” thing you’re going for; when you don’t notice the even more awesome “LUVALOT” plate behind you; when you won’t stop bothering the mayor; when even your spitting is perfect; when you tan so hard your swim trunks disappear; when Morgan Freeman says “BAWBEH RYEH” and everything’s okay, for a second.