This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, putting cookies in a warm, toasty oven (not pictured: you, sharing another ice-cold take)

Hello! Did you have the weekend we had? With the kind of balmy weather that almost demanded a long, quiet walk at the bird sanctuary? And then you saw just the most superb owl, and celebrated with 12 pounds of hot wings and 77 beers? And woke up Monday, logy and covered in hot sauce, only to remember there were four games this week that needed previews?

It’s true, we’re running a little behind at the ol’ hater’s guide today, but don’t worry! We’re bringing back one of our most popular features, where we look at past players who left the Senators to play for one of this week’s opponents, only to endure poor performance, failure, and heartbreak. It’s the kind of feature you can feel good about. Let’s go!

Monday, February 8 – Senators vs. Lightning

Chris Phillips mentors Brian Lee on the importance of defensive positioning.

Senators: 167 GP, 5 G, 23 A
Lightning: 42 GP, 0 G, 8 A

PREDICTION: Look for a small subset of Twitter to continue to miss Erik Condra with the understated yet intense desperation of a late-70s Neil Diamond album, and for Erik Condra to continue not to score. Senators 5, Lightning 0.

Wednesday, February 10 – Senators @ Red Wings

Chris Phillips in an undated file photo.

Unfortunately, no Senators player has ever left Ottawa for Detroit. But that’s not bad, right?

PREDICTION: Look for a offensive outburst from Alex Chiasson, followed by a post-game revelation that Chiasson has been the latest struggling Senators forward to recently donate $50 to a member of Ottawa’s homeless community. Expect this to be covered as the kind of lightweight, feel-good story that does absolutely nothing for Ottawa’s homeless community. Senators 5, Red Wings 0.

Thursday, February 11 – Senators vs. Avalanche

Chris Phillips congratulates Brian Elliott after a win in Buffalo.

Senators: 130 GP, 59-45, 2.80 GAA, .903 SV%
Avalanche: 12 GP, 2-8, 3.83 GAA, .891 SV%

PREDICTION: Erik Karlsson may be second in points in the entire league, but he’s still over 15 points behind league leader Patrick Kane. Look for him to make up most of the difference in this game, and for all the post-game questions to be about that pinch he was burned on in the third minute. Senators 5, Avalanche 0.

Saturday, February 13 – Senators @ Blue Jackets

Chris Phillips and Ron Tugnutt pose for an intimate personal photo.

Senators: 166 GP, 72-53, 2.32 GAA, .906 SV%
Blue Jackets: 97 GP, 34-52, 2.62 GAA, .910 SV%

PREDICTION: A game against the Blue Jackets is the kind of low-pressure environment where Dave Cameron can try out new lines without worrying about Internet people firing off hurtful, charged phrases like “sub-optimal deployment”. So look for the debut of the Prince-Paul-Pageau line, which will be called the “Triple-P Line” by 99% of Sens fans and the “3 Feet High and Rising Line” by the rest. Senators 5, Blue Jackets 0.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, pulling off bangs (not pictured: you, shoving extensions under your bowl cut)

Tuesday, February 2 – Senators @ Penguins

Okay campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties because it’s cold out there today! It’s cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach? Nope! It’s western Pennsylvania, where the only thing less appealing than the weather has been the Penguins’ performance this season. The Penzos find themselves coming out of the All-Star break barely hanging on to the 8^th seed in the Eastern Conference, which is the kind of position you might shoot for if you’re some middling, budget-ass team, but a disappointing outcome when you’re spending to the cap and your top three forwards make more than most Kuwaiti princes.

As seems to happen every year, people are already wondering whether it’s time to blow up the top-heavy Pingus and start over. Crosby’s not getting any younger, after all, so maybe it’s time to sell high on Malkin and use the return to start building a good young core rather than keep papering over holes in the roster with Cullens and Hagelins and Boninos. Besides, who’s ever gotten less than fair value trading a first-line centre for a package? Oh, right, everyone. Still, it’s fair to say that unless the Pingpongs shake things up somehow, they’ll keep finding themselves on the bubble of playoff contention every year, reliving the same thing over and over and over. Can you even imagine?

PREDICTION: All but three players in this game just spent a week off in the sun, so expect to see the kind of well-rested, tanned hockey you’d find in an energy drink commercial. Look for a lot of talk about how the Senators need to start winning in a hurry to get back in the hunt, and for Mark Stone to respond with 7000 goals. Senators 5, Penguins 0.

Thursday, February 4 – Senators vs. Oilers

Winning the lottery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s unrealistic to expect anyone who’s not used to being wealthy to suddenly know how to handle having everything all at once. It’s hard not to fritter money away when you really have no concept of what things are worth. So you keep on living the way you’re used to, making the same ill-considered decisions, never thinking about the bottom line and never developing a long-term plan. You make bad investments. You don’t even recognize the grifters and hustlers who act like your friends but swindle you at every opportunity. Before long you find yourself struggling under the constant weight of the expectations of those around you, slowly realizing your winnings are less of a gift than a curse.

This is the scenario the Oilers find themselves in during Year Million of their lottery-financed rebuild. The Oilers are like that trailer with the shiny, expensive powersports vehicles parked all over the lawn, the team with more toys than thoughtfulness, the team that randomly picks up someone like Eric Gryba because what the hell, ain’t got one of those yet. Meanwhile, the locals get more disgusted every year with how little good they’ve done for the community with their winnings. Into this void steps Connor McDavid. Sure, he’ll be excellent, but turning this team around requires more. It requires a conversation about basic asset management and personal responsibility, like telling a Powerball winner, “Hey, maybe don’t leave $50K in your glove box if you don’t want your truck broken into in a strip club parking lot. In fact, maybe don’t go to the strip club in the first place?” Except they’ve already tuned you out, thinking about the next ATV they’re going to get. Good luck, Connor.

PREDICTION: Oilers fans always seem to be well-represented at Senators home games these days, because who doesn’t like 80s nostalgia? Look for Connor McDavid to be narrowly denied a goal for the Oilers but for Eric Gryba to be responsible for at least two for the Senators. Senators 5, Oilers 0.

Saturday, February 6 – Senators vs. Leafs

Over the break I saw a few Leafs fans on Twitter do the math to figure out how many second-half wins the worst-record-in-hockey Leafs would need to make the playoffs, before coming to terms with the fact that, you know what? It probably isn’t happening this year. I feel for you, Leafs fans. There were about five minutes there where the Leafs had enough of a spark that you could be forgiven for thinking that Mike Babcock might actually be the miracle worker you’d heard about. But then before you know it, it’s February, you’re back in the lottery, and Jonathan Bernier has a GAA that would make even a fifth starter for the Red Sox blush.

Some say Senators fans may be coming to terms with a similar reality in two weeks. Who’s saying this, you ask? Oh, you’ll know. They’ll tell you when you see them this Saturday, being ushered out of the CTC for trying to smoke indoors, their Clark and Gilmour jerseys yellowed with what’s hopefully beer. They’ll have signs, and halitosis, and loud opinions about Donald Trump. And they’ll treat a win in this game, if it does happen, as the nearest thing they have to a Stanley Cup victory, walking out holding their heads high with the tragic, misplaced dignity of a drunk who thinks he’s just won an argument. I would like to be at this game, handing out toothbrushes and distance education pamphlets. You have to be the change you want to see in the world.

PREDICTION: Turns out a Google image search for “Drake” + “leafs jersey” returns no relevant results. Wonder why? Senators 5, Leafs 0.

Season prediction record: 23-21-6

Next week: “Avalanche”? “Lightning”? Come on, those are fake names.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, the peak of casual elegance (not pictured: you, eating a pizza bagel)

Tuesday, January 26 – Senators vs. Sabres

It’s hard to believe this is only the second game of the year against the Sabres. For Senators fans, playing Buffalo is one of those run-of-the-mill events that feels like it should be weekly, like doing laundry or quietly ignoring a racist statement made by an elderly relative. But so far this year the Sabres have been conspicuously absent from the Senators’ schedule, and if not having them in your life regularly means you haven’t been paying attention to recent goings-on in Buffalo – fewest good bands of any Rust Belt city, BTW – don’t forget that Tim Murray tanked so hard last year he should have changed his name to Rommel, then picked up Evander Kane, Ryan O’Reilly, and Jack Eichel, and still finds himself at the bottom of the Atlantic Division entering this game. It’s enough to inspire a maudlin ballad by the greatest band to ever come out of Buffalo, uh . . . the Goo Goo Dolls. Yowza.

Not only is this only the second Sabres game of the year for the Senators, it’s only the fourth game of the year, period, for Sabres goalie Robin Lehner, assuming you don’t count the 27 minutes he played in the opener against the Senators before he planted about 255 pounds of post-concussion weight the wrong way on his ankle and sprained it all to hell. Goaltenders rarely rely on their ankles though, right? This season may end up being yet another writeoff for Lehner, who’s already 0-3 and will likely find it even more difficult to get back into full NHL shape this late in the season (Chris Phillips comeback still totally happening though). Expect the reality of this situation to sink in around the time a broken showerhead blasts him with ice-cold water in the Canadian Tire Centre visitor’s locker room after the game.

PREDICTION: A lot will be made about Lehner’s return to Ottawa, but let’s not forget Tuesday’s game will be an emotional homecoming for another ex-Senator, human police sketch David Legwand. Sure, Legs only played about 7% of his career with Ottawa, but he also only has half a season under his belt with Buffalo, so the Sabres celebrating his 1100^th game last week feels a bit like if Canada took credit for the Eagles because they once played a show in Calgary in 1972. Enough, Canada. Look for Legwand to play eight minutes in this game. Senators 5, Sabres 0.

BONUS PREDICTION: Believe it or not, some people find the idea of voting for John Scott to play in an exhibition hockey game more objectionable than the idea of voting for Donald Trump to run the free world.  This Sunday, look for Scott to score a shamefully easy goal about 30 seconds after taking the ice, and for the All-Star Game as a whole to be entertaining for exactly as long as it takes for this to happen. Be prepared for half-speed 3-on-3 to look like a woefully under-attended Timbits game. You can also expect some brief chatter about whether or not Erik Karlsson is the kind of defenseman who should win Norris Trophies after he scores a goal while texting. Erik Karlsson 5, All Others 0.

Season prediction record: 23-20-6

Next week: Edmonton, the only franchise it’s impossible to joke about.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, leaving the building (not pictured: you, asking, “what is a boy/girl/person of non-binary gender to do?”

Hiiiiiii… listen. We ran out of time to put a Hater’s Guide together this weekend. Ottawa Hockey Analytics Conference, that’s right. Yeah, it was like a track off of Fishscale. Anyway, we figured we’d just preview this week’s four – four! – games by highlighting the success, or lack thereof, that former Senators achieved with each of this week’s opponents. Your move, Mike Hoffman.

Monday, January 18 – Senators @ Sharks

Dany Heatley celebrates with Chris Phillips after yet another goal.

Senators: 317 GP, 180 G, 182 A; 1.15 PPG
Sharks: 162 GP, 65 G, 81 A; 0.90 PPG

PREDICTION: Senators 5, Sharks 0.

Thursday, January 21 – Senators @ Devils

Anton Volchenkov commiserates with Chris Phillips after yet another agility test.

Senators: 428 GP, 16 G, 78 A; 0.22 PPG
Devils: 222 GP, 3 G, 29 A 0.14 PPG

PREDICTION: Senators 5, Devils 0.

Friday, January 22 – Senators vs. Islanders

Alexei Yashin smashes Chris Phillips in the face after yet another confrontation.

Senators: 504 GP, 218 G, 273 A; 0.97 PPG
Islanders: 346 GP, 119 G, 171 A; 0.84 PPG

PREDICTION: Senators 5, Islanders 0.

Sunday, January 24 – Senators vs. Rangers

Wade Redden and Chris Phillips light up yet another tree.

Senators: 684 G, 101 G, 309 A; 0.60 PPG
Rangers: 156 GP, 5 G, 35 A; 0.26 PPG

PREDICTION: Senators 5, Rangers 0.

Season prediction record: 21-18-6

Next week: The Sabres! And the sweet, tender mercy of time off.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, enjoying fluffy scrambled eggs (not pictured: you, being served a limp tossed salad)

Wednesday, January 13 – Senators @ Ducks

If the Jason Spezza deal taught us anything, it’s that it’s really hard to trade a top-line, near-point-per-game forward for equivalent value, especially once he gets a little bit older and starts making serious money. Sure, you can find a buyer, but you’ll probably only get a disappointing 25-year-old forward, a struggling prospect or two, and a high-round pick. Bit of a rip-off, right? Ask the Ducks about their return on Bobby Ryan if you don’t believe me. Hey Silfverberg, at least Alex Chiasson only makes $1.2M a year to put up less than 10 points at the half.

The Ducks were expected to be good this year and they are Not, languishing near the bottom of the weakest division in the NHL having scored only 78 goals in 41 games. Long-time stars Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry are starting to get up there in years, and it seems like half the cast around them at this point is just ex-Canucks and Oilers. One of them, Ryan Kesler, is signed to what may be the worst deal in hockey, as the Ducks will still be paying him almost $7M per season long after humanity has terraformed the moon. Bobby Ryan says he doesn’t miss the place, and I don’t blame him. What is he really missing, other than being able to play golf with retired people every day of the year?

PREDICTION: The city of Anaheim (motto: “A lot farther from Los Angeles than you thought”) is basically a roided-up Kanata with a Disneyland, so expect the Senators to feel right at home. Look for Curtis Lazar to do his post-game scrum wearing a pair of souvenir mouse ears, and for the league itself to step in and inform him that his adorableness is starting to get out of hand. Senators 5, Ducks 0.

Saturday, January 16 – Senators @ Kings

Isn’t it weird how Drew Doughty has never won a Norris Trophy for the silly reason that someone else is always better every year? It’s almost unfair, isn’t it? In truth, I have to laugh a little every time I read something championing Drew Doughty, or Shea Weber, or some other big-body guy who’s not in the top 10 of scoring at the position, as deserving of a Norris because they are “defense-first” defensemen. This is like insisting that only boring British period dramas should be eligible for Oscars.

I could talk at length about how morally and ethically dubious the Kings are, both as players and as a franchise – this team is so shady they made Mike Richards a sympathetic figure, after all – but you can get all of that information at your local library. Instead, let’s ask the tough questions, like, “Why is Dustin Brown’s captain patch so big?” Have you seen that thing? It looks like a doughnut with a bite out of it. It looks like the handle of a “#1 Underwhelming Captain” mug that someone’s about to dip a half-eaten doughnut into. Wait, now I get what he’s going for. It’s perfect.

PREDICTION: If you’re wondering why this game is starting at 1 PM local time on a Saturday, it’s because the Clippers play in the same building less than four hours after this game is over. Keep bringing up the rear in that LA sports pecking order, Kings. Hey, did you know two NFL teams are coming to town too? Look for Erik Karlsson to smuggle a stray basketball onto the ice and literally dunk on Drew Doughty at some point. Senators 5, Kings 0.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, hearing something a-callin’ (not pictured: you, not knowing what to do)

Monday, January 4 – Senators @ Blues

I’m trying to think of a team with whom the Senators have less of a rivalry than the St. Louis Blues. The Bridgeport Sound Tigers, maybe? The Milwaukee Bucks? The 1912 Princeton rowing team? The Blues have been around for like 50 years, during which they’ve made the playoffs pretty much every season but never won anything, sort of like the Leafs if they made the playoffs every season. Crucially though, the Senators play the Leafs like 27 times a year, so I could talk your ear off about historic scrubs like Ken Klee or Boyd Devereaux, whereas the Blues are in the Western Conference, and I think they had Wayne Gretzky once? For like ten minutes?

The current Blues do have a few connections to the Senators, at least. Their backup goaltender is Brian Elliott, who was so terrible as an on-again, off-again starter during his time in Ottawa that Bryan Murray traded him straight-up for the best goaltender in franchise history, Craig Anderson, which is sort of like trading one red paperclip for a space shuttle. Ask a Sens fan about this trade and they’ll talk about how Mika Zibanejad should be Gabriel Landeskog, or something? I don’t know. The Blues also have star winger Vladimir Tarasenko, whom the Blues drafted with the Senators’ first-round pick in 2010, a pick they obtained in exchange for erstwhile Rockford IceHog David Rundblad. This would seem like a bad deal if Bryan Murray hadn’t already traded Rundblad for maybe the best all-around centre in franchise history, Kyle Turris. Ask a Sens fan about this trade and they’ll talk about how even Bryan Murray finds a nut once in a while? I don’t know.

PREDICTION: Wait, this is supposed to be about the Blues, right? Look for the Senators to defeat the Blues. Look for Colin White, whom Bryan Murray drafted with the first-round pick he obtained for Robin Lehner, to lead the US junior team to victory the following day. Senators 5, Blues 0.

Thursday, January 7 – Senators vs. Panthers

This is the third Panthers game in a month. In a month! It’s the first in Ottawa, though, and the first trip north the Panthers have made this year since snow has fallen, which means you can expect the Panthers’ louche, tax-free mercenaries to crumple like that plastic kiddie pool your snowblower found under a foot of snow in your driveway last week. You thought autumn would last forever, didn’t you? So did the Panthers.

The Panthers actually just got $86 million – that’s like 15 more years of Dave Bolland! – as part of a renegotiated lease deal with Broward County. Unfortunately for future overpriced veterans though, this money is going to be spent entirely on arena operating costs. It will also be financed entirely by tourist taxes, which is basically like if all the money that Ottawa earned during Winterlude was spent on that promo video where Bobby Ryan tells you about the CTC’s new money-saving LED lighting. The actual video production costs are minimal, but then you add a bunch of CGI explosions and a cameo from Robert Downey, Jr. “I’m Iron Man,” he says, “so I know when your clapbombs go bar down!” The he and Ryan do an elaborate fist-bump. It sounds like a stupid concept, but tell me the Bolland contract isn’t still a bigger waste of money.

PREDICTION: Alex Chiasson has 32 career NHL goals. Jaromir Jagr has 735, but four fewer teeth. Advantage Senators. Senators 5, Panthers 0.

Saturday, January 9 – Senators vs. Bruins

Brad Marchand! We talked last week about how there was no point hating on Brad Marchand – he is post-hate – and then last week he was suspended three games for throwing Mark Borowiecki over his back like a 200-pound feed bag. That’s the only way you can throw a feed bag like Mark Borowiecki, though. Credit to Marchand for figuring out the leverage on that one. Good Canadian boy!

Marchand missed the New Year’s Day Winter “Classic”, with many suggesting that he was thus partly responsible for the hated Bruins’ 5-1 pasting at the hands of an equally unlikeable Canadiens team. You know the tagline from Alien vs. Predator? “Whoever wins, we lose?” A Bruins-Habs Winter Classic is basically like that, if the Aliens were a collection of humorless cheap-shot artists and the Predators held up every battle with a 30-minute, uncomfortably militaristic pre-game ceremony. Whoever wins still gets to exterminate humanity, but only in a black-and-white montage which George Strombolopolous introduces by saying, “Lotta ghosts, man. Lotta ghosts.”

PREDICTION: This game will be Marchand’s first following his suspension; look for the Senators take the high road and ignore him, much like a mother whose child is throwing a tantrum in a supermarket. Don’t judge her; you don’t know what kind of day she’s having. Senators 5, Bruins 0.

Sunday, January 10 – Senators @ Capitals

Oh no, I ain’t writing four of these this week, other than to congratulate the conference-leading Capitals for having, top to bottom, what is easily the ugliest roster in hockey. This is the kind of fair, even-handed analysis the Sens blogosphere is lacking. Senators 5, Capitals 0.

Season prediction record: 18-15-6

Next week: The annual west coast road trip – the closest thing to vitamin D you’re getting for three months!

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, having you pegged (not pictured: you, a bit confused)

Tuesday, December 29 – Senators @ Bruins

Got a lot of reader mail last week – thanks, readers – asking why there was no Brad Marchand mention in Week 12’s list of reasons to hate the Bruins. But Brad Marchand almost goes without saying, doesn’t he? Brad Marchand is just the baseline calibration test for hate meters, to make sure yours is working correctly. You’re getting a positive reading? Okay, everything is normal. Now we can focus on what’s wrong with the rest of the Boston Bruins. Brad Marchand being hated is just Brad Marchand doing his job, like a bug light.

What else? The Senators just beat the Bruins on Sunday, in a game where – are you sitting down? – the Senators may not have iced their optimal lineup. Did Sens Twitter tell you about this? Apparently making Zack Smith a nominal first-liner created a disturbance in the force so great that even Alec Guinness was going to crawl out of his grave to tell you about it. But it prompts a question: if Erik Karlsson sets up a beautiful Mark Stone goal in a forest but Dave Dziurzynski plays more minutes than Shane Prince, does Sens Twitter make a sound? We tested this Sunday, and it does; that sound is, “Happy they won, but [ed. note: “Happy they won, but” will be the “actually” of 2016] this isn’t going to last.” Well, neither did the Velvet Underground.

PREDICTION: Don’t do it, Chet, you’re saying. Don’t turn your guns on Sens Twitter before the season’s even half over. Can’t help it, man. They gave me this hater’s guide and told me to use it, so everybody’s gotta get it at some point. It’s a nasty racket. Look for the Senators to get outshot in this game. Senators 5, Bruins 0.

Wednesday, December 30 – Senators vs. Devils

A Wednesday night home game against the New Jersey Devils, the day after a massive snowstorm, the day before New Year’s Eve, is basically the NHL saying to the Senators, “let’s see what you bastards can do with this.” It’s like a Chopped basket full of lemons, expired ham slices, scrap lumber, and a picture of you as a newborn where your parents look super-disappointed. You might be able to make something out of it but let’s be honest, no one’s going home satisfied.

The Devils are box-office poison, but hey, so is Rob Schneider and he keeps getting work. The Senators will draw a solid crowd for this game, and even though no one’s ever met a Devils fan, there will still be couples in the stands wearing matching Stempniak jerseys and little kids running around pretending to be Andy Greene, and just like the line out the door at Fabricland on Boxing Day, you’ll be wondering where the hell these people came from. Cosplay is big now, apparently. Did you get all those Butterick sewing patterns you were looking for?

PREDICTION: In October the Devils beat the Senators in the shootout, 5-4, which is more goals than the Devils typically score in a week. Look for Andrew Hammond to exact his revenge with a shutout, and for the Devils’ bottom six to make you feel a lot better about the Senators’. Senators 5, Devils 0.

Sunday, January 3 – Senators @ Blackhawks

Eh, to hell with the Chicago Blackhawks. Senators 5, Blackhawks 0.

Season prediction record: 18-12-6

Next week: it’s the third Panthers game in a month! Take more pride in your work, NHL schedule people.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, my calves lowing (not pictured: you, when your baby awakes)

Tuesday, December 22 – Senators @ Panthers

You have to time your winter trip down south carefully. Sure, by the third week of January it’s 25 below and you’re desperate to get some sun, but if you go that early then you’ll have to sit through an entire snowy February with nothing to look forward to. You need to pace winter out. So wasting two trips to Florida during the balmiest December in recent memory? That is a complete failure to plan, like putting on your shoes before your socks, or drafting Brian Lee.

Of course, going down south again is exactly what the Senators are doing, finding themselves back in sunny Sunrise, Florida (“Miami’s Kanata’s Kanata”) just two weeks after their last trip to play the Panthers. And only three days before Christmas! It’s hard to focus on the game at hand when you’re playing in front of just a few thousand people on a Tuesday and you’re preoccupied because you still have to get something for your Mom, and she was too kind to say anything last year but that breadmaker you bought her was actually the third in a row, and you didn’t even remember you’d given her the first two because you were too busy buying yourself another ATV, and then Christmas morning your Dad took you out to the backyard to not-so-quietly remind you that you weren’t on an entry-level contract anymore and your Mom deserved something nice after all she’d done for you all these years, and then he ordered you to shovel out the hot tub he’d made you buy him. Holidays are a lot of pressure.

PREDICTION: You know what can alleviate pressure? Playing the Florida Panthers, who are the NHL equivalent of those nice old ladies working the gift wrap station at the mall who know that you’re short on time and that you can’t tie a ribbon to save your life anyway – I mean, look at those meathook hands of yours – so they’re happy to wrap up that fourth breadmaker for you. “Oh, this one’s top of the line,” one will tell you; “I’m sure your mother will just love it. Although you get to be our age and your childrens’ presence is the real present, you know.” The Panthers are like that, except instead of making you feel better about your terrible gifting, they’ll just give you two points in the standings. Look for callup Ryan Dzingel to pick up his first NHL point and inspire thousands of terrible headlines the next day. “Dzingel Ready to Mingle,” they’ll say. Senators 5, Panthers 0.

Sunday, December 27 – Senators vs. Bruins

For years the Bruins lived right on the edge of general decency, and they were good at it. They knew how to get under your team’s skin just a little early, finish their checks just a little late, and tiptoe just slightly over the line until they won, which they usually did. They could find every seam your team had hidden and methodically start pulling at them like they were disassembling a quilt. Some said the Bruins were the only genuine, old-school, win-at-all-costs hockey team left in the modern NHL, and others said they were just shameless goons. The only thing both sides could agree on is that the Vancouver Canucks were a thousand times worse.

Times have changed (unless you’re the Canucks, that is), and only a few years removed from their Cup win, the Bruins’ filthy zestiness has metastasized into a kind of filthy malaise. The Bruins still play hard, but there’s little that’s fun about them; sure, dirtbags like Shawn Thornton and Milan Lucic are gone, but the Bruins just swapped in even more irredeemable dirtbags like Max Talbot and Zac Rinaldo. Feel-good prepper Tim Thomas has long been replaced by a Finnish cyborg, and Tyler Seguin took his party to Dallas. Even Zdeno Chara has begun to struggle with injuries and age, some nights resembling less a skyscraper than a condemned tenement building. 2014-15 was the first season in 400 years in which the Senators took their series against the Bruins, a development entirely responsible for the Bruins missing the playoffs by two points. To their credit, the Bruins are still challenging for the Atlantic division lead this season when many thought they’d be challenging the Leafs for the basement; expect most of Boston to start caring some time in February after the Patriots lose the Super Bowl.

PREDICTION: There are really two ways you can come back after a few days off over Christmas; recharged and healthier, or logy as all get out, dried gravy and bourbon still staining your sweater. Look for the Senators’ young players to get a jump on the older Bruins early in this one, and for you to change your sweater after three days of gorging yourself, maybe? Did you even get any of that cranberry sauce in your mouth? Senators 5, Bruins 0.

Season prediction record: 17-12-5

Next week: start 2016 the right way, with… ah, Patrick Kane. We’ll try again in 2017, I guess.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, blue with power (not pictured: you, green with envy)

Hey, how are you? Uh huh? Uh huh? Listen, shut up for a second. I wanted to let you know we’re doing something a little different this week. The thing is, after we taped Advanced Chats with Ian Mendes on Friday, the wrap party turned into Saturday, and then into Sunday – you know how it is with Mendes – and all of a sudden there’s a game on Monday and I’m supposed to do the usual in-depth, thoughtful preview for four weekly games? Get outta here. So instead, this week we’re gonna play a quick game called, “The Other Team: A Mom Or A Dad?” Let’s go!

Monday, December 14 – Senators vs. Kings

Dad. Didn’t get it together until his late 40s. Got in early on some kind of semi-legal pyramid scheme and now he won’t stop lecturing relatives about the value of hard work. $7000 watch. The old dudes he golfs with are super-creepy. Still hasn’t explained why he burst into tears at Thanksgiving dinner. Senators 5, Kings 0.

Wednesday, December 16 – Senators @ Capitals

Mom. A lot of wine-themed aprons. Doesn’t think anyone knows she smokes in the garden shed. Can really talk her way out of a speeding ticket. Keeps buying expensive mail-order hand creams. We don’t talk about the time she left that divorce book on Dad’s nightstand. Senators 5, Capitals 0.

Friday, December 18 – Senators vs. Sharks

Dad. Always sending you articles about Bernie Sanders. L.L. Bean everything. Has three different lawsuits going over minor car accidents. Needs to cut his sodium. Mom is terrified he’ll retire early and hang around the house driving her crazy. Senators 5, Sharks 0.

Sunday, December 20 – Senators @ Lightning

Mom. Shelf full of porcelain Disney figurines. If she finds out about Etsy, look out. She and Dad came back from Europe last year complaining about the lack of chain restaurants. Still wants to go to South America, “when it’s safer”. You put a filter on your email to deal with all the forwards. Senators 5, Lightning 0.

Season prediction record: 15-10-5

Next week: the Boston Bruins – somehow STILL the least likeable Boston sports team.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, staying 300 (not pictured: you, dropping your phone in the sewer again)

Tuesday, December 8 – Senators @ Panthers

The Florida Panthers – still going! Neither beautiful weather, nor plentiful local entertainment options, nor a rink that’s farther from Miami than Arnprior is from Ottawa will keep a hardy 12,000 fans from showing up each night, often referring to their 100-level club seats as “the best $8 we’ve ever spent”. And good for them, I say. Because you know what? If you ever slow down and start experiencing the breezy south Florida lifestyle for yourself, you’ll realize there are more important things than winning. It’s enough just to play a game and enjoy life, you know? That kind of relaxed attitude, along with joints-friendly temperatures and a lack of state income tax, has drawn hockey legend Jaromir Jagr here, after all. Denis Potvin will be calling this game while drinking something blue out of a coconut. Jimmy Buffett may not be a great artist, but he’s still a poet, man. What’s wrong if this team, and their fans, are just here for a good time?

Just kidding. Most of the people at Panthers games are snowbird Habs fans yelling obscenities at both teams in screeching voices that echo endlessly off thousands of empty seats. It can be kind of a bummer. For what it’s worth, though, a few years of good drafting have started to make this team Interesting, in the sense that the Panthers are no longer just a grab bag of overpriced veteran free agents that good teams were smart enough to dump like a sack of laundry. Oh sure, some of those guys are still around – Willie Mitchell, Jussi Jokinen, and Dave Bolland all wear letters, and I haven’t even mentioned Shawn Thornton yet – but the core of this team is young, led by guys like Jonathan Huberdeau, Aleksander Barkov, and Aaron Ekblad. They might actually be Good in a couple years, if they don’t let that weird, creeping south Florida lethargy set in, as tends to happen with most people that move down there. I mean, have you ever actually heard a Jimmy Buffett song? They’re awful. He makes the Eagles sound like the Ramones. Yet you spend just two weeks in the Keys and there you are, singing along with the rest of the bar, no idea where your shoes went. Good luck, kids.

PREDICTION: You know how it is when Canadians get down to Florida as soon as it starts getting cold at home. Half of them are polite and respectful tourists who take a lot of pictures and tip well, and the other half spend the whole time vomiting Bud Light Lime into hotel showers. Look for Zack Smith to have a big game either way. Senators 5, Panthers 0.

Thursday, December 10 – Senators @ Lightning

The Tampa Lightning – for some reason the city of Tampa adds “Bay” to the names of all of its sports teams, which is sort of like if you cheered for the Ottawa River Senators – are another one of those sun belt teams, like Carolina and Dallas, that you keep forgetting actually won a Cup. There’s another one in there . . . Anaheim? Can’t remember. And heck, Tampa almost won for a second time last year! This season they brought back the same team plus fourth-line superstar Erik Condra, so most pundits expected them to be the class of the Eastern Conference once again. Instead, they are currently sixth in the Atlantic. In Old Sailing Tymes, the grizzled buccaneers navigating the murky waters of Tampa’s bay would probably call Condra a Jonah for all the bad luck he’s brought with him, cursing his name between belts of rum.  Those guys are still around, but these days they’re typically drunk on much nicer boats, blasting Jimmy Buffett as they look for a Margaritaville to dock at for some mango-chipotle ribs and Cozumel Cosmotinis. They have no idea who Erik Condra is.

Anyway. Unlike the Panthers, the Lightning are a relatively successful team with one of the league’s biggest stars in Steven Stamkos, so they draw home crowds well enough that you can barely hear the snowbird Habs fans. Part of Tampa’s poor record this year stems from a bad start for Stamkos, who many say is distracted by rumours swirling around him during the last year of his contract. Will he break the bank signing an extension with the Lightning and captain them for the rest of his career? Or will he leave nice weather and talented teammates to go home to Markham and play for the biggest group of losers in NHL history under the filthy microscope of Toronto’s sports media? In career terms, this is like trying to decide between being a European travel writer or losing a few fingers on a North Sea oil rig. For some reason the Toronto media keeps telling me it’s a pretty close call.

PREDICTION: The great thing about Erik Condra is that no opinion about him is wrong. He IS worth $1.5M a year in this league. He IS completely replaceable. He IS a great possession driver. He IS a concrete-handed butcher in front of the net. When the Senators let Condra walk away in July, Bryan Murray remarked that he wasn’t too concerned about making up Condra’s 23 points from last season; by the end of this game, look for the Senators to already have five players over that mark with over 50 games to go. Look for Mike Hoffman in particular to have at least three more, and to continue to drive his ticket much higher than $1.5M. We’ll figure out the details later. Senators 5, Lightning 0.

Saturday, December 12 – Senators @ Canadiens

Why spend a week playing in front of snowbird Habs fans in weird parts of Florida when you can come home and play in front of the real thing? At least Ottawa will be used to their gutter-mouthed taunts by Saturday night, although in Montreal the Senators will have to contend with the additional challenge of staying loose and warmed up during a three-hour pregame ceremony that celebrates Maurice Richard being the first Montreal Canadien to use a petroleum-based hair tonic, or some nonsense like that. Come on with the pomp and circumstance, Habs. I would say “act like you’ve been there before,” except the response would probably be, “we have been there before, and let us tell you about it, using torches.” Also, Habs fans, most of that music you like is basically just Jimmy Buffett in French.

The Habs are making do without Carey Price or Brendan Gallagher right now, which downgrades their roster from “le worst” to merely deeply unlikeable. P.K. Subban is still suckering guys in the brainstem. Michel Therrien is still behind the bench striking overly-dramatic thinking poses like he’s in some dinner theatre version of A Man For All Seasons. Dale Weise still looks like a guy who should be thrown out of a casino somewhere. Worst of all, the one likeable player the Habs had, the one guy you felt good rooting for – I’m talking of course about Alex Semin – was put on waivers this week. What kind of dismal, joyless team would give up on a dynamic, selfless guy like Alex Semin? If that’s how you want to lead the Eastern Conference, fine, but I shan’t have any part of it.

PREDICTION: This is the Senators’ last game against the Habs for three months, and their last at the Bell Centre, their favorite road arena, until the playoffs. Look for Craig Anderson, in his 437^th consecutive start, to pitch his typical shutout, and for a guy in a Galchenyuk jersey waking up on the men’s room floor after the game to really get serious about going back to school this time. Senators 5, Canadiens 0.

Season prediction record: 14-8-5

NEXT WEEK: The Sharks and Kings – Ottawa West and Dirtbag Central!