2011.02.23: In which we imagine things more exciting, but rhyming with, “rebuild.” Like, “Warcraft Guild.”

James

Hey Sports Fans (that’s right- that’s how I’m starting this),
 
First, Its great to be out of jail!

Second, I was up at 4AM last night working on my time machine (making ecstasy in my bathtub) and I thought of an interesting hypothetical (daymare):

Now, before you ask about why blood is coming out of my ears I would like to remind you that it is real because the Matrix MAKES it real

Moving on,
Its been one game. One g’darn game BUT put on your Imagineering Caps (.com) and make believe that newest Senator, Craig Anderson became Thee Fabled Goaltender That Was Prophesized:
He Who Bares The …umm… Scepter Of Not Letting In Soft Goals And Is Truly His Kuba’s Garbage Giveaway Keeper.
 
In plain language: What if Craig Anderson remained as hot as he was in that Toronto game on Saturday for the remainder of the season and the team drastically improved in front of him.

Im talking about his lightening fast glove hand and keen ability to not be Brian Elliot giving the team the confidence to open up a bit and score some goals…MORE GOALS THAN THE OTHER TEAM EVEN!
Im talking about this team becoming .500 plus for the rest of the season.
What I am NOT talking about is some miracle playoff run or something. I am talking about Craig Anderson passing his “audition” with flying colours.
He becomes that answer in net that we fans have been dfkla;jfgfding about since the 1700’s.

My question to you all is: if he were to do this, does he in the process become the most reviled goaltender in recent Sens history?

To further explain, what if Craig Anderson accidentally on purpose turned our visions of Ryan Nugent-Hopkins into a Brian Leegent-BobHoskins by effing up Ottawa’s draft position from top 3 to say…post top 10. I mean, it is a little bit crying with two loaves of banana bread under your arms as I think the first round has a lot of very good players outside the top 3 (Erik Nugent-Karlsson or anyone good selected outside the top ten for example) but on the other hand, the top 3 ALSO has a lot of good players
in IT…have you seen this guy Matt Duschene? …It would be nice if he played on OUR beloved team.
 
I think the fan base has more or less accepted the idea that the team is going to do very poorly for a little while but what if this guy accidentally derails the rebuild by DOING WHAT WEVE BEEN ASKING A GOALIE TO DO FOR…FOREVERRRRRRRRRR?
 
Could we potentially see a world where we run a guy out of town for being a consistent, game stealing goaltender? Or is being competitive again good enough and Pierre McGuire should just use his birth right as one of the five richest kings of Europe and devote his Eleventy Trillion Drachmirs in cap space to BUY a new good team?

2011.02.15: In which perhaps it will be us who now enjoys getting scored on seven times and beaten up by pirates

James

So if that game vs Edmonton was the terlet bowl I suppose that makes this game the bidet bowl (too classy?)

Tell you what, that Islanders game vs Pittsburg was the bowel bowl (only ten more bowl jokes left dear reader!) considering that it is suspected that Lehner is supposed to start this bad boy and got all Mr Elbowstein on whatever (now injured) seventh string goalie NYI had in net that night, this could get ugmo! (probably won’t get that ugmo)

Drawing into the line up is up and coming guy named Gabbo Erik Condra…also coming off point production reconstructive surgery is winger Alex Kovalev. Team physicians could not guarantee the reconstruction would hold all season but were confident there will be noticeable improvements until about 3pm eastern standard time on February 28. It’s a medical miracle!

In other Sens news: the team will be without the services of mike fisher who is out with acute being on another team.

Personally I would love to see Butler pick up another point, preferably a goal.

See my therapist has been telling me to set my sights higher than expecting just one win per month.

Oh right, supposed to be excited about months of tanking!

Into the great wide Ugh

Conrad

In news around the league, Toronto just traded a guy they traded for five months ago, and probably one of the best all-around players on their team, for a first round pick. So, in the last two weeks they traded their leading defenceman in time played for $4M in wasted salary and a good prospect, and Kris Versteeg, who is younger, cheaper and more versatile than Mike Fisher, for a first round pick later than the one Ottawa picked up, with no salary coming back, by trading Mike Fisher. Then they traded a nothing pick for a fighter. That is just the weirdest fucking franchise in the league. I cannot understand if they’re rebuilding or what. Supposedly all of their actions are designed to clear space for July 1st, but when Brad Richards re-signs in Dallas it’s gonna be slim pickings.

As for the Islanders, I think what’s been getting lost in all of the weirdness of their hiring of escaped criminals is that they’ve scored 16 goals in their last 2 games. That’s crazy. They’ve been (gulp) sort of good. Bodes well for continued tanking, but part of me wants to hold Spezza out of this one because, as our highest paid player, he’s a prime target for a deranged AHL cast-off playing his first game in the big league and who’s desperate to make a name for himself.

In other news, Kuba is still terrible.

Lame Day Preview: The Ottawa New Old New Jersey Devils vs. The Calgary Last Year’s Sens’ Season

*Doing a Sudoku 4 kidz* OH…what are you doing here? Im sorry I wasn’t expecting anyone to show up….lemme just put some pantelons on!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kayyyyyyyyyy… *shuffles paper*

So let’s seeeee here, the Sens look to extend their infinity game losing streak against the Calgary 2009-2010 Sens who I suppose are looking to go on a 10 game win streak
and then have Jerome Spezza draw back into their line up and go on a scoring streak?
Meanwhile, Jarrko Ruutu is the LATEST player to hate Cory Clouston’s guts and remains a scratch. Whew boy…players’ coach.
Side discussion: Clouston TOO easy to hate?

Well, at least Kovalev’s being given every chance to get moved while Peter Regin only has two months left to pot his 3rd goal of the year (I predicted 20 from him this season for those keeping track, yeh, thats right…20).
Now this:

On a more positive note: We get another look at Bobby Butler and Jim O’Brien who have been called up  
On a negative note: its because Alfredsson* and Winchester are injured. (*Alfie Update: Apparently quite Badly.)
On a positive note: …
On a negative note: Brian Elliot does not start this game.  At worst, he’ll only play A BUNCH of the game.
On a positive note: Something about draft picks.

Enjoy the game! Heh heh…ahhhh….seriously though…game.

UPDATE: “Oh Brother” – Charles Brown

Lame Day Preview: Ottawa Viking Death Ships vs. Jeans…Buffalo

Ottawa hasn’t played in about 6 and a half weeks so I figured that I would FINALLY do a lame day prev-

Oh wait, wait, wait… according to my Palm Pilot (see above picture  -ha? no ha.)…huh, says the Sens last played on FRIDAY…
It would seem that each over the top dramatic event that happens to the team makes each day in between games seem like
a week and a half. Huh, thanks science!

Now, I know what youre all expecting me to talk about *crickets* no, its not the sound of crickets…

Its not “OoooOOoooOOOO how is the team going to play now that they know the coach and GM AREN’T getting fired
this season” (that will come later). No, I want to talk about how Filip Kuba is a healthy scratch FINALLY.

This one is a big for me. He gets paid a lot of money to suck. Maybe now that Clouston gets to live like Peter in Office Space for the next few months – except not as happy about
working construction at the end (late spoiler alert!) – maybe he’ll get a little bit creative with his coaching. Namely, benching of Fillip Kuba/whoever…
I dont care so much about Kuba Badding Jr. “learning his lesson” so much as I straight up dont want to watch him play tonight.

oh sure this does nothing to help his trade value but I think he already crashed that flying saucer into the side of a mountain long ago. Remember when this guy had 40 assists? …yeah, FOUR this year. . .Four

Those days are gone. Sure, guy started off the year hurt. Never fun. Alsoooo…you know…bring anything to the tableau when youre back on the team
Smooth Jimmy’s Psychic Reverse Psychology Korner:

Last time I dissed Kuba during a game he made a heroic shot block…so maybe he’ll be first star after this post.

 

Honestly, the remainder of this season will likely be about little victories. Like, Kuba getting Scratched, the CURRENT fact that Robin Lehner is undefeated in NHL action, The video of Karlsson being told he’s made the All Star team (our generation’s baby panda sneezing video), maybe a Kovalev benching?, LeClaire jokes OR A WIN EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
Yeah, I’m hoping for a win tonight…what of it!?
May Spezzafacehouseboat have mercy on us all.

Lame Day Preview: A Tale of Two Shitties Or Robttawa Lehnators vs. Renfrew Millionaires

James Says:

So let’s cut the crap (this posting) and get to the grout lines of this tile flooring (worst analogy of all time? WORST analogy of all time..and possibly even before The Land Before Time 2: Back in the fdASDLkfasf).

As you have all heard by now the Senators have recalled Martin Gerber Jr. from the Renfrew Millionaires JJJJJUUUUSST CRYING! Kidding! Okay, Robin Lehner is getting his first LNH start tonight.
So …I’m not going to deny that this is shaping up to be some MUST SEE TEEVEE but instead of expecting a 1992 era T.G.I.F. lineup lets tune in for a little Thursday night L.T.O.E. (Let’s Temper Our Expectations).

I personally don’t think it’s a desperation move putting Lehndawg in net or that it’s going to diarrhea his development or whatever. I think its more of a “BRIAN ELLIOT CANT WIN A GAME RIGHT NOW AND LECLAIRE ( to reiterate) IS INJURED FROM INJURING HIMSELF REHABBING AN INJURY AND THE OTHER BACK UP HAS STRUGGLED WITH INJURIES SINCE THE PRESEASON” type of move.
Ugh. Teams put rookie goaltenders in sometimes. Now is one of those times and I think he’ll be okay but (in fairness to Elliot as well) he cant be the entire team so its Godspeed You! Terrible Defense / Flaccid Offense.

If Lehner lets in 5 goals tonight HE WILL STILL FARE BETTER THAN THE CURRENT STARTER’S LAST BARFORMANCE! .

I think more importantly…someone needs to actually put more than 1 puck in the net…over the course of the game and not at once that doesn’t really count….eh, whatever try it, see if I stop you. Anyway, speaking of tempering the living shit out of one’s expectations Corey Locke draws into the lineup tonight in hopes of generating some offense.
Once upon a time (a couple of years ago) I happened to strike up conversation at an airport with a scout for the Montreal Canadians who also (according to him) used to work for Ottawa. I knew he was legit as I had seem him on TV before and he was also wearing a Montreal Canadians everything. Anyway, as a fan of the Mighty Ottawa 67s, I asked him, what happened Corey Locke former star 67 and 2 time OHL MVP. He curtly said. “Hmmm, Locke, yeah, too small, too slow” [Note: I will be at the 67s game Friday night at the CCFR booth signing hotdogs outside the men’s room].
“Great story, James” – Everyone reading this
He basically told me that for his skillset he’d likely be an effective AHL career guy. But after seeing Locke in his post-67s glory in that Binghamton v. Hamilton game at SBP (sorry I mean Palladium) I noticed an attribute that maybe that scout politely left off his list…DUDE WAS THE LAZIEST PLAYER ON THE ICE. Considering he was playing HIS OLD TEAM IN FRONT OF THE FANS/GM OF THE TEAM HE WAS AIMING TO PLAY FOR, he was noticeably Kovadaisicalev out there. I left that game thinking that he must be riding Butler’s (who was Bingos best forward that night) coat tails. But then I thought, “im pretty sure his AHL career numbers are really good though – I cant confirm that… Ask Jeeves is down right now – so maybe the scout was right? Look kid, as a 67 year old man/sometimes tax payer I have earned the right to call you that, prove me wrong that you are more than a slow Ryan Shannon and light it up on your line with Ryan Shannon [the fast Corey Locke] and Nick Foligno [the somehow even lower scoring Mike Foligno].
Happy (?) Viewing to all.

Conrad says:

I don’t really see this as much more than the management getting a peek at a promising prospect in a lost season. Toronto is playing Reimer. I think the Islanders are playing their rookie. So this is a kid getting a game against one of the league’s worst teams at a time when there couldn’t possibly be less at stake. Though probably good for his development, I worry that it’s either A) rushing a 19 year old unnecessarily, or B) may, somehow, probably not (but maybe), reinvigorate the team – which, let’s be clear, ONLY means worsening our draft position.

Want to know how awesome a 4th overall pick is? Did you see Ryan Johansen in the World Juniors? How about Evander Kane? Or Tyler Myers, or the player who went right after him, Luke Schenn? Outside of maybe the top five it gets more crapshooty, but inside that magical five it’s all but guaranteed – you WILL get an impact player. We need the types of guys on our team, and putting in our best goaltender before he’s had a chance to become our best goaltender either hurts him or helps the team – thereby hurting us.
Look at Toronto the year they drafted Kadri. They stank, had their 1st round pick, and we looking at picking up their second top five pick in two years. Then Burke picks up Gerber for no discernable reason at all, the team plays a little bit better but doesn’t go on a miracle run, and gets the seventh overall pick instead. These little decisions are all the difference between having a franchise player and having merely a contributor.
Therefore: I’m good with one game. ONE. GAME. Then back to Binghamton he goes and we ride Mike Brodeur to glory / a top five pick.

Peter Says:

Pete tears a sheet off a dusty dot matrix printer. “well well look what just came over the wire… Corey Locke to make preseason debut 3 months later.” Hmmm very interesting. If I were him I’d get as many shots on net as possible, even if it means concussing the timbits goalie between periods. Cuz there’s one thing I do know. CLOUSTON IS GIVING YOU 3 MINUTES OF ICE TIME. it starts as soon as you start tying your skates. So get going.
all the callups in the world won’t matter if they don’t get time to actually play. Cloustons coaching for his job. Unbelievably he’s the only one who thinks he’ll survive the season. Ergo, no ice time for scrubs. Only regular scrubs who don’t call him Ginger nuts get to play.
Conrad you are crazy right about the value of the top five pick. This town needs someone to get excited about. Hell, let’s let the isles win and push for número uno. They’ll just waste it on Brett lindros again anyways.

James wont shut up:

Draft position is nice but if they win i have to say it doesnt hurt the team. Guh, I have such a hard time with this rooting for a loss crud. Makes me feel like a leafs fan. I also worry about NO ONE GOING TO GAMES anymore – what with us being cursed to have a franchise in a city of people whos dads liked the leafs. At any rate, trust me this team is not going to have much difficulty losing a lot of games even if Lehner started the rest of the season. I will always think a culture of pride is necessary to the players who stay on the team…in other words the Sens cant just lose every single game now that they arent going to make the playoffs. Plus there is plenty to look forward to with eleventy trillion dollars coming off the books and hopefully picking up extra picks regardless at the trade deadline. Also you accidentally spelt Brayden Schenn Luke Schenn….because…Luke Schenn has played…less than awesome for the last 2 of his 3 seasons.

also can we give it up AGAIN for how awesome Steven’s image was today?

Curtain Call:

Lame Day Preview: Ottawa Senators at Chicago Sword of Damocleshawks

James says:

Hot mess. After reading the Sens blogosphere I feel like Im on SO MUCH PROZAC. OHHHHHH a humiliating loss to the loafs and then a week off?
It’s a recipe for WIDESPREAD OPTIMISM  oh and VERY reasonable rumors in Ottawa. Look, I’m not saying that I’m not feeling down on the team too …as a former blogger myself, I got in on the feeding frenzy a little bit too before I was let go here …but its like people are going to be furious if there isn’t a complete changing of the guard in 24 hours.

Bros and Sisses, THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN AT THE END OF THE YEAR. Murray and Clouston aren’t really delivering, its very true… but their contracts are up at the end of the regular season If The Euge decides to pay them to not work for a few months while paying for Cheechoo, Emery (?), and infinity other coaches I will cease to understand how he became a zillionaire. “Think I became the richest man in the world by cutting a bunch of cheques?” –Fictionalized Bill Gates on the Simpsons*

Lets just relax…continue to cheer our Sens for not being the New Jersey Devils and wait and see what happens for the rest of the year and get excited for youth and the moving of Pascal Leclaire’s upper and lower bodies to the ECHL in the approaching Papa Roaching offseason.

Yeah, maybe the team will toss someone at the trade deadline…don’t count on it though, Jack (you)! After all (prepare for caps lock…)
THEY CANT EVEN MOVE BRIAN LEE OR GET HIM CLAIMED OFF WAIVERS. . . I mean he IS Brian Lee but this is NHL 4.6Beta …

Lets not “get our freak on guh-git our freak onnn” – Missy “Misdemeanor” Brian Elliot, CCFR Blogger 2011-2011 –  if the Sens don’t beat the BHawks tonight because theres a good chance that mayyyybe nothings going to change… for now.
Either way it should be interesting …to see if this post holds any water in 24 hours.

Lame Day Preview Update(.com): Robin Lehner is backing up Brian “Misdemeanor” Joke is funnier second time! Elliot tonight as Pascal LeClaire is too busy taking calls from all the NHL teams that are offering him amazing deals to start for their PROFESSIONAL hockey clubs next season. Okay, okay, okay I’m just joking he slipped on a puddle of toilet water he was drinking.

*R.I.P. Funny episodes of The Simpsons.