Lame Day Preview: Ottawanderson Coopers Vs. Atlanta Hottendance Issues


Tonight our beloved Senators (still okay to belove them during the rebuild? Get at me about that) take on the sometimes really good sometimes not so good Thrasherz of Hotlantapeg.

Let’s get straight to the X factors* of this game!     

*really? X Factors? What am I future Sens GM and Microphone hand always showing stanley cup ring on TV personality Pierre McGuire?

For Atlantis: I saw highlights on TSN of the game the other night twixt the Thrashers and the Canadiens and HOT MESS the one hundred section wasn’t even a quarter full. I am not kidding. Note to Atlanta Ushers: move all the people in the building to where to camera can see – this includes vendors – hell, fill a seat yourself. Also another  Hot Tip:  Shoot the game with video cameras that were made in the last 30 years.
There is a real possibility of the Thrashers being distracted by people actually watching them perform the iced hockeys. So, fans at the game be loud and proud and try to out cheer all the Thrashers fans that infiltrate the arena. What else?…Oh, Dustin Byfuglien (pronounced By-Fug-Lee-Ehn) is currently challenging Metro Detroitland Area octogenarian Knickerbocker “Nic” Lidstrom for the Norris trophy…so I don’t know? Gelp when Atlanta gets a power play or 10?

For HOTTawa (we’re Canada’s HOTlanta….you know…minus the Hot…part): Two words: Craig “Greg” Anderson! These stats speak themselves six goals in five games. Pretty good numeros for a goaltender wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey. Now…
X factor 2, should ‘Andy’ (copyright, CCFR) stand on his ugly new mask, can the Sens score one goal? Jus’ playin yall. I find it was really hyped how the Sens were shut out 1-0 last game but I think the Bearenstein Borin’s are a bit of a special case – You guys snore your way to a cup New Jersey style! – If the Thrash (copyright, CCFR) play anywhere near how I think they do (note: I honestly find it painful to know anything about this team…) the Sens should be able to open it up a bit and score on whoever their goalie is – what im like Bob Cole I just call them “The Goalie” also like Bob Cole I am TERRIBLE at covering hockey. If Bobby Butler scores tonight (during the game, pervs) … I will take your advice and throw myself in blogger jail (which is a real thing) FOREVER!

Larsen Lottomax Update: An Oilers win and a Sens loss puts the Senators in dead last in the NHL which I am still adjusting to feeling good about.

Boston Strengthened By Division Rivals Vs. Ottawa Contract Extensions

Some funny talk around the camp fire about how the Sens are effing up their Lottamax pick because they are doing so great now…ONE win in January and what? four wins in February don’t worry bro/sis, Im pretty sure five wins in two months goes a long way come daft day.
God(.com), I thought as fans our job was to be patient during the rebuild…i mean I don’t definitely want to go off on a rant here but pump your breaks cousin(s) in a little under a month Murray deals Fisher, Kelly, Ruutu, Kovalev, Elliot and Campoli and everyones all “WHERES THE KUBA TRADE!?, WHERES THE GONCHAR TRADE!?” Easy, eaaaaasy. Look at Kuba, guy has been a shadow of of a shadow of an icingless toaster strudel since coming back from a broken leg and has less than 10 points going into March. Gonchar, coming off injury today and back into the grind chipping away at a career worst season..oh at a significant raise from last year…yeah maybe I can see why these guys werent moved –  for term alone I could see GMs passing. That or offering something that would piss you off like you were pissed off seeing Kovy moved for…but then double that. Speaking of Kovalev, its unlikely he would have moved if he were not a rental and was having a much better season than barf of the other two guys. Maybe it happens next season…maybe it doesn’t happen. Maybe Francis Lessard scores 4 goals tonight. . . I’m just a human man. . . made of flesh and stuffed with shredded Chinese newspapers. M’kay

So the Boston Things come to town for what feels like the 60th time this season. But THIS time…uhh… I don’t know, Local Millionaire Chris Phillips will be … enjoying a new contract?
Also, Chris Kelly will be in attendence for the newly minted Monthly Chris Kelly Bowl! Will Kelly defeat his former team or will blah blah blah !? !!! ??!? Tune in literally every month to find out!
At least we wont have to watch Kovalev not underperform against his former clubs anymore. That guy was …frustrating. #amIrightfriends?youguysknowwhatimtalkingabout!
We have the potential to see an interesting game as thanks to some first period Wiccan Warcraft ( by Craig Anderson last game, the Sens were able to regroup and put together a decisive victory against the East leading Flyers. If the boys can play like that again, it could potentially piss a lot of people off in comment sections. Now that I’ve alienated a lot of people, ENJOY THE GAME! …or like…don’t…I’m confused as to whether we’re supposed to enjoy games now. Either way … people are RICH, right?

Lame Day Preview: Ottawa Home Games v. Florida City Yardsales

Hailing from the city of Florida, the Panthers arrive in town to face off against the Ottawa Senators in the always spiritual Battle of the Deadline
For me I think the wild card is former Florida goaltender Craigory Anderson facing off against his former team. Always gives a goaltender a little chip on their
shoulder thinking back to all those humiliating strip shootout sessions. Or maybe it wont? I don’t know I’m all used to this team not living up to any pregame
billing like “OooooOOooo Kovalev faces off against the Habs!, Result: 0Gs, 0As, – 2” or “ooOOoooOOOo Gonchar playing the Penguins, Result: 0Gs, 0As, -3 (stats courtesy
of me making them up but you feel me, right?.com ) but yeah, I’m still getting used to that whole game going to a shootout and the Sens winning the thing so it would seem the more we know the less
we know with this here caper. Maybe Cheechoo finally bags his…whats that?..oh in the AHL now…well speaking of AHL, Jim “Conan” O’Brien fills in for Peter “Regin” Jensen…Ive heard conflicting things about Campoli playing THAT’S THE CCFR DIFFERENCE!
Is anyone else as excited as I am about the Michalek (who’s name I just had to look up the spelling of…why was I given a password to this blog?) – Spezza – Butler combo?
I must say there’s some excitement in that for the remainder of the season these guys could be a first line that hopefully wont be broken up …well, that is unless they don’t score 2 goals by the first intermission, like Clousty, baby, the team’s in 15th place…give them a minute to gel, I mean you give your hair a minute to gel and that is obviously working so, you know, try to apply that gel to other facets of the game.
Lame day predictions: Clouston rocks a FEIRCE Pumpkin spice shirt Autumn Mist tie combo, gels hair. Kovalev nets one as his point production reconstructive surgery will only hold until Monday.

Conrad buying Bobby Butler jersey watch: I would LOVE to see the kid pot another one tonight!


2011.02.23: In which we imagine things more exciting, but rhyming with, “rebuild.” Like, “Warcraft Guild.”


Hey Sports Fans (that’s right- that’s how I’m starting this),
First, Its great to be out of jail!

Second, I was up at 4AM last night working on my time machine (making ecstasy in my bathtub) and I thought of an interesting hypothetical (daymare):

Now, before you ask about why blood is coming out of my ears I would like to remind you that it is real because the Matrix MAKES it real

Moving on,
Its been one game. One g’darn game BUT put on your Imagineering Caps (.com) and make believe that newest Senator, Craig Anderson became Thee Fabled Goaltender That Was Prophesized:
He Who Bares The …umm… Scepter Of Not Letting In Soft Goals And Is Truly His Kuba’s Garbage Giveaway Keeper.
In plain language: What if Craig Anderson remained as hot as he was in that Toronto game on Saturday for the remainder of the season and the team drastically improved in front of him.

Im talking about his lightening fast glove hand and keen ability to not be Brian Elliot giving the team the confidence to open up a bit and score some goals…MORE GOALS THAN THE OTHER TEAM EVEN!
Im talking about this team becoming .500 plus for the rest of the season.
What I am NOT talking about is some miracle playoff run or something. I am talking about Craig Anderson passing his “audition” with flying colours.
He becomes that answer in net that we fans have been dfkla;jfgfding about since the 1700’s.

My question to you all is: if he were to do this, does he in the process become the most reviled goaltender in recent Sens history?

To further explain, what if Craig Anderson accidentally on purpose turned our visions of Ryan Nugent-Hopkins into a Brian Leegent-BobHoskins by effing up Ottawa’s draft position from top 3 to say…post top 10. I mean, it is a little bit crying with two loaves of banana bread under your arms as I think the first round has a lot of very good players outside the top 3 (Erik Nugent-Karlsson or anyone good selected outside the top ten for example) but on the other hand, the top 3 ALSO has a lot of good players
in IT…have you seen this guy Matt Duschene? …It would be nice if he played on OUR beloved team.
I think the fan base has more or less accepted the idea that the team is going to do very poorly for a little while but what if this guy accidentally derails the rebuild by DOING WHAT WEVE BEEN ASKING A GOALIE TO DO FOR…FOREVERRRRRRRRRR?
Could we potentially see a world where we run a guy out of town for being a consistent, game stealing goaltender? Or is being competitive again good enough and Pierre McGuire should just use his birth right as one of the five richest kings of Europe and devote his Eleventy Trillion Drachmirs in cap space to BUY a new good team?

2011.02.15: In which perhaps it will be us who now enjoys getting scored on seven times and beaten up by pirates


So if that game vs Edmonton was the terlet bowl I suppose that makes this game the bidet bowl (too classy?)

Tell you what, that Islanders game vs Pittsburg was the bowel bowl (only ten more bowl jokes left dear reader!) considering that it is suspected that Lehner is supposed to start this bad boy and got all Mr Elbowstein on whatever (now injured) seventh string goalie NYI had in net that night, this could get ugmo! (probably won’t get that ugmo)

Drawing into the line up is up and coming guy named Gabbo Erik Condra…also coming off point production reconstructive surgery is winger Alex Kovalev. Team physicians could not guarantee the reconstruction would hold all season but were confident there will be noticeable improvements until about 3pm eastern standard time on February 28. It’s a medical miracle!

In other Sens news: the team will be without the services of mike fisher who is out with acute being on another team.

Personally I would love to see Butler pick up another point, preferably a goal.

See my therapist has been telling me to set my sights higher than expecting just one win per month.

Oh right, supposed to be excited about months of tanking!

Into the great wide Ugh


In news around the league, Toronto just traded a guy they traded for five months ago, and probably one of the best all-around players on their team, for a first round pick. So, in the last two weeks they traded their leading defenceman in time played for $4M in wasted salary and a good prospect, and Kris Versteeg, who is younger, cheaper and more versatile than Mike Fisher, for a first round pick later than the one Ottawa picked up, with no salary coming back, by trading Mike Fisher. Then they traded a nothing pick for a fighter. That is just the weirdest fucking franchise in the league. I cannot understand if they’re rebuilding or what. Supposedly all of their actions are designed to clear space for July 1st, but when Brad Richards re-signs in Dallas it’s gonna be slim pickings.

As for the Islanders, I think what’s been getting lost in all of the weirdness of their hiring of escaped criminals is that they’ve scored 16 goals in their last 2 games. That’s crazy. They’ve been (gulp) sort of good. Bodes well for continued tanking, but part of me wants to hold Spezza out of this one because, as our highest paid player, he’s a prime target for a deranged AHL cast-off playing his first game in the big league and who’s desperate to make a name for himself.

In other news, Kuba is still terrible.

Lame Day Preview: The Ottawa New Old New Jersey Devils vs. The Calgary Last Year’s Sens’ Season

*Doing a Sudoku 4 kidz* OH…what are you doing here? Im sorry I wasn’t expecting anyone to show up….lemme just put some pantelons on!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kayyyyyyyyyy… *shuffles paper*

So let’s seeeee here, the Sens look to extend their infinity game losing streak against the Calgary 2009-2010 Sens who I suppose are looking to go on a 10 game win streak
and then have Jerome Spezza draw back into their line up and go on a scoring streak?
Meanwhile, Jarrko Ruutu is the LATEST player to hate Cory Clouston’s guts and remains a scratch. Whew boy…players’ coach.
Side discussion: Clouston TOO easy to hate?

Well, at least Kovalev’s being given every chance to get moved while Peter Regin only has two months left to pot his 3rd goal of the year (I predicted 20 from him this season for those keeping track, yeh, thats right…20).
Now this:

On a more positive note: We get another look at Bobby Butler and Jim O’Brien who have been called up  
On a negative note: its because Alfredsson* and Winchester are injured. (*Alfie Update: Apparently quite Badly.)
On a positive note: …
On a negative note: Brian Elliot does not start this game.  At worst, he’ll only play A BUNCH of the game.
On a positive note: Something about draft picks.

Enjoy the game! Heh heh…ahhhh….seriously though…game.

UPDATE: “Oh Brother” – Charles Brown

Lame Day Preview: Ottawa Viking Death Ships vs. Jeans…Buffalo

Ottawa hasn’t played in about 6 and a half weeks so I figured that I would FINALLY do a lame day prev-

Oh wait, wait, wait… according to my Palm Pilot (see above picture  -ha? no ha.)…huh, says the Sens last played on FRIDAY…
It would seem that each over the top dramatic event that happens to the team makes each day in between games seem like
a week and a half. Huh, thanks science!

Now, I know what youre all expecting me to talk about *crickets* no, its not the sound of crickets…

Its not “OoooOOoooOOOO how is the team going to play now that they know the coach and GM AREN’T getting fired
this season” (that will come later). No, I want to talk about how Filip Kuba is a healthy scratch FINALLY.

This one is a big for me. He gets paid a lot of money to suck. Maybe now that Clouston gets to live like Peter in Office Space for the next few months – except not as happy about
working construction at the end (late spoiler alert!) – maybe he’ll get a little bit creative with his coaching. Namely, benching of Fillip Kuba/whoever…
I dont care so much about Kuba Badding Jr. “learning his lesson” so much as I straight up dont want to watch him play tonight.

oh sure this does nothing to help his trade value but I think he already crashed that flying saucer into the side of a mountain long ago. Remember when this guy had 40 assists? …yeah, FOUR this year. . .Four

Those days are gone. Sure, guy started off the year hurt. Never fun. Alsoooo…you know…bring anything to the tableau when youre back on the team
Smooth Jimmy’s Psychic Reverse Psychology Korner:

Last time I dissed Kuba during a game he made a heroic shot block…so maybe he’ll be first star after this post.


Honestly, the remainder of this season will likely be about little victories. Like, Kuba getting Scratched, the CURRENT fact that Robin Lehner is undefeated in NHL action, The video of Karlsson being told he’s made the All Star team (our generation’s baby panda sneezing video), maybe a Kovalev benching?, LeClaire jokes OR A WIN EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
Yeah, I’m hoping for a win tonight…what of it!?
May Spezzafacehouseboat have mercy on us all.