This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, eating so many shrimp (not pictured: you, being mad on vacation)

Tuesday, December 1 – Senators vs. Flyers

Hey, these guys again! The Senators played their last home game against the Flyers a little more than a week ago, and now that Ottawa’s back from a western road trip it’s the Flyers that are up again. It’s like they never left the Canadian Tire Centre, or just spent the last week shuffling around Kanata, buying Kirkland-brand jeans and developing strong opinions about its overcrowded English public schools. But can you blame them? The Flyers, as predicted, are sputtering near the bottom of the Metropolitan Division (“Cities You Like Visiting, Plus Columbus!), so even hanging around suburban Ottawa is probably better than going back to Philadelphia and having children pelt you with batteries as you get off the plane.

The Flyers have actually won three of their last four since splitting up their two good players, Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek; Voracek is now tasked with bringing offensive skill to the Flyers fourth line, sort of like Shane Prince if he just signed an eight-year, $66 million extension. Voracek’s demotion is a nice reminder that every team makes bizarre lineup decisions from time to time, suggesting that you can take your own team’s only so critically. You may have rolled your eyes at some of Paul MacLean’s moves, but the constant impulse to screw with a lineup is a viral condition that lies dormant within most of the adult population of NHL coaches, and Paul MacLean was just another guy trying to manage it. Sure, they control it successfully most of the time, but then the holidays roll around, they start feeling stressed, and boom, total flare up. Now Zack Smith is on the second unit power play. Ask your doctor if Paultrex is right for you.

PREDICTION: You know when you want somebody to leave your house, so you just take off for a while and figure they’ll take the hint and be gone when you come back? Then you get home from work and they’re still there, telling you they’re happy to pitch in until “things calm down, legally,” and that vodka bottle you had in the freezer is gone? You are the Ottawa Senators in this game, tossing the Flyers’ gear bags out onto the sidewalk as calmly as possible. Look for Curtis Lazar to wave goodbye cheerfully. Senators 5, Flyers 0.

Thursday, December 3 – Senators vs. Blackhawks

One of the dumbest and most myopic tropes about hockey players – and you can tell Don Cherry I said this – is that they’re all “good guys”. They’re not, because there’s no profession, category, or class of people for whom this is true, anywhere. There are good and bad politicians, good and bad cops, even good and bad people in the low-stakes world of whatever it is you do; after all, somebody keeps stealing your Go-Gurt out of the breakroom fridge. Assuming hockey players are any different is naïve and asinine, and reason enough why you should never wrap your identity so tightly around something you can’t control that you end up on the Internet, with absolutely no facts at hand, arguing the finer points of law you have no training in because it affects one of “your guys”.

Should we expect better of the teams that employ these guys, though? Maybe. After all, they’re corporate entitities, and they have management structures, and codes of conduct, and all the other checks and balances and shared liabilities that are supposed to prevent any one individual from ruining everything. Of course, they also exist to make money, and in every hockey city outside of Toronto, making money means winning games. Taking a moral stand against an underperformer isn’t brave, it’s business. Against a star, though? Well, do the fans care enough to stop buying tickets, and jerseys, and team-branded grill sets? They don’t? Then it’ll blow over. That’s the free market for you, and assuming your team operates any differently is just as naïve as assuming the players are all good guys. It’s fine to expect teams to be better, but the teams also work for the fans. We should expect better of everybody.

PREDICTION: Wooooooo, who’s ready for some HOCKEY? Senators 5, Blackhawks 0. 

Saturday, December 5 – Senators vs. Islanders 

The New York Islanders play in Brooklyn and wear black now, which has finally allowed hockey writers to break out their own take on hipster jokes that were old ten years ago, when “hipsters” were something other than mainstream culture; even your dad rolls his eyes when he hears a Pitchfork joke these days. These days any real hipster will tell you Williamsburg is over and the new thing is to care passionately and be right-wing, and no black uniform changes the fact that this team remains Long Island all the way, the stink of I-495 and Billy Joel still all over them.

The Islanders did some great stuff in the early 80s but have been pretty terrible ever since, much like Van Halen or most of your uncles. They’ve been on the upswing for the last few years though, slowly building a semi-likeable team around homegrown superstars like John Tavares and complementing him with underrated castoffs like Nick Leddy, Mikhail Grabovski, and Nikolai Kulemin. In some respects they are Clarke MacArthur, the team. Still, not everyone wants to be an Islander; witness the recent trade request from defenseman Travis Hamonic, who’s asked to be moved closer to his family in Winnipeg. It’s the first time since the fur trade was a going concern that anyone has asked to be sent to Winnipeg, but maybe Hamonic is just tired of getting run over by strollers and fixies every time he tries to get a gluten-free cronut on his way to the Barclays Center and – see, now I’m doing it too. Brooklyn, man.

PREDICTION:  The Islanders had a pretty good shot / To get at least as far as Denis Potvin got / But something happened on the way to that place / The Sens threw 55 shots in their face / And we’re living here in Allentown. Well, 15 minutes west of Allentown. Good bus service, though. Look for you to think this is a stupid reference. Senators 5, Islanders 0.

Sunday, December 6 – Senators @ Rangers

And last, the Rangers, the Paul Simon to the Islanders’ Billy Joel, in that they’ve spent the last 50 years being more influential, more respected, and not nearly as successful. There’s a reason why the theme song to The Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy Podcast is a riff on “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” – it’s because we know what the people want. The Devils in this analogy are Springsteen, in that most people only pretend to enjoy them. Come on, NHL. Move the Devils to Staten Island so we can finally bring Wu-Tang into hockey.

After the Senators, the Rangers are this season’s “ACTUALLY (*white doves fly skyward*) They’re Not as Good as Their Record” team. In a way it almost makes me want to like them. But I don’t. We talked last time about how hating the Rangers starts with hating Henrik Lundqvist’s impossible cheekbones; this time let’s talk about Chris Kreider, who’s run more goalies during games in Ottawa than Nick Foligno ever did, which is even more impressive when you consider Kreider’s had to do it as a visitor. Perhaps he’s trying to play the kind of hard-nosed game that eventually earns you a leadership role in Columbus, which is where many ex-Rangers end up once the useful phase of their career is over. Keep your eye on Kreider in this one, particularly if you are Craig Anderson.

PREDICTION: God, four games in a week – I’m exhausted just from previewing them, so I’m trying to imagine how the Senators will feel by Sunday night. Unflappable? Energetic? Casually dominant? After all, the Rangers aren’t nearly as good as their record would have you believe. Look for the Senators to put the “fun” in “underlying fundamentals”. Senators 5, Rangers 0.

Season prediction record: 12-6-5

Next week: Florida – the Jared Cowen of America.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, aging gracefully (not pictured: you, rocking Forever 21 but you just turned 30)

Tuesday, November 24 – Senators @ Stars

Ah, Dallas, another one of those teams that you forget has already won a Stanley Cup, although in fairness, most people in Dallas probably have as well. But Dallas’ improbable, triple-overtime 1999 Cup win is really more Buffalo’s entirely probable, fully inevitable Cup loss, isn’t it? Keep plucking that chicken, Buffalo. I will say that as far as teams that have left Minnesota go, the name “Dallas Stars” works a lot better than “L.A. Lakers,” although locals still frequently refer to the team by its unofficial nickname, “Not Quite Cowboys Tickets”.

Hey, you know who nobody seems to talk about much anymore? Dallas’ second-line centre, Jason Spezza. Remember him? Tall guy, #2 overall pick, former Senators captain? Anybody? Spezza’s still getting it done at 32; these days he doesn’t warrant nearly as much attention on a team that’s surrounded him with young offensive talent, but he’s still got the highest ticket on the Stars’ roster at $7.5M for the next four years. Yowza. Dude is going to look like Richard Attenborough by the end of that deal. Thankfully, the Senators trading Spezza was one of those clean breakups where both parties won; one gets to start over in a new town with a clean slate and a fresh reputation, and the other gets to laugh every time they see their ex on Facebook wearing a cowboy hat.

PREDICTION: So far this season, Dallas has been “the best team in hockey”, which is exactly the position you want a team in before it takes the Senators for granted and fails to prepare. Look for Alex Chiasson, who had a point in his dramatic return to Dallas last year, to quadruple that effort in this game, and for Jason Spezza to turn the puck over to Mark Stone at every opportunity. Senators 5, Stars 0.

Wednesday, November 25 – Senators @ Avalanche

The Colorado Avalanche have one major point in common with the Ottawa Senators, which is that Stats People hate them, and one major point of difference, which is that the Avalanche have a terrible record whereas the Senators continue to be awesome. I’m not saying you’re wrong, viz kids. You’re just wrong about the Senators. Tell me how you’re not. See, you can’t.

Why have the Avalanche crashed back to earth after succeeding wildly as a poor possession team not much more than a year ago? I mean, they’ve still got a number of great players, and also John Mitchell. Some blame their coach, the super-chill Patrick Roy, whose management strategy to date has been “depend on PDO even though I don’t know what it is”. Some blame regression by their goaltender, Semyon Varlamov, as if a guy with Varlamov’s rap sheet could somehow regress any further. Some blame the moral pestilence that has taken root in Colorado since the enactment of Amendment 64. Like most complex hockey analysis questions, it’s probably some combination of all three.

PREDICTION: Denver is literally the “mile-high” city, with significantly lower air pressure than at sea level. Thin air can cause altitude sickness and even delirium for those not accustomed to it; it also results in lower coefficients of aerodynamic drag, allowing heavier bodies to move more quickly with less air resistance. Look for Chris Neil to be a superstar in this environment. Senators 5, Avalanche 0.

Saturday, November 28 – Senators @ Coyotes

Before you roll your eyes at what’s likely to be a poor turnout for a November game between the Senators and Coyotes, remember that a Saturday night in suburban Glendale offers a lot of options for your entertainment dollar. You can take the kids to the Challenger Space Center. You can take your wedding ring off and hang around Home Depot. Hell, you can find a garage cockfight in five minutes if you’re looking for one. So in that light, does anyone really expect people to go to the rink at the mall and watch a hockey game involving some weird, budget NHL team they’ve never heard of? That being the Arizona Coyotes?

We were talking before about breakups. This game will by Kyle Turris’ fourth return to Arizona as an Senator, and his first as an undisputed, on-pace-for-forty-goals first-line centre. If Jason Spezza looks back on his time in Ottawa as the kind of relationship that just ran out of runway after eleven years, then his replacement Kyle Turris probably looks back on his time in Arizona as the kind of relationship where he was tied to a chair in a garden shed for three years being force-fed gruel and bible verses until the SWAT team pulled him out. That’s not a breakup as much as the inspiration for years of Count of Monte Cristo-style revenge. I have seen Twitter wags joke about how Turris’ goal song should be Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain”, because of his ubiquitous gold necklace. Rather than that feel-good divorce-rock, however, Turris’ performance in this game should be soundtracked by any of several GG Allin songs, none of which have titles that can be printed here.

PREDICTION: The Coyotes beat the Senators in October in a game in which you may recall Milan Michalek’s nugatory brother Zybnek concussed local sunbeam Curtis Lazar. Lazar fights now, so look for him to reenact the end of Rocky III on Zybnek Michalek, and most of the rest of the Coyotes’ paltry roster while he’s at it, as the Arizona fans still in attendance grudgingly stand to cheer his leadership. Look for Milan Michalek to send his brother’s widow a ham. Senators 5, Coyotes 0.

Season prediction record: 10-5-5

Next week: Really having a problem figuring out an angle on the Blackhawks. Any ideas?

Image courtesy @Capital_Gains65

If you’re not a listener to the weekly regular intellectual podcast that Luke Peristy and I do over at Silver Seven, that’s cool, no judgment. There’s a lot of listening options out there and you’ve only got so much time in the day. Some nights you work a double and just need to unwind with your Neil Diamond LPs, I get it.

BUT! James joins us for this week’s show, which means you get a full 50% of the Welcome To Your Karlsson Years writing staff talking into a single microphone. That, my friends, is value. Join us as we break down Jared Cowen’s attitude, throw shade at our haters, and do simultaneous Michael McDonald impressions. The greatest story ever told? You decide.

Episode 26 of the Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy (and James) Podcast

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, truthing it (not pictured: you, lying. Why are you always lying?)

Monday, November 16 – Senators vs. Red Wings

Unlike most of their local industries, the Detroit Red Wings just keep coming back. This is their third game against the Senators this still-young season, and it’s starting to look like the Wings, who were expected to battle the Senators for third in the division – third! As if there were any doubt the Senators would steamroll the various doormats and poltroons of the Atlantic – are Bad. The Red Wings sit fifth in a weak division, tied with Buffalo (which is not considered a contender) and Florida (which is not considered a hockey team). Their third-leading scorer is eight years old. Within a month, opposing teams will stop drawing up offensive schemes during pre-game strategy sessions and simply stare at their whiteboards trying to figure out their current point total plus two.

The Red Wings are not only Bad, you can rest assured they are committed to getting worse and staying there. Last week’s big news out of Detroit, other than the NFL electing to dissolve the Lions on the basis of general incompetence, was the seven-year, $30M contract awarded to 28-year-old Justin Abdelkader. If the name doesn’t seem familiar, reading it here, he’s the one you thought they were calling “Applicator” the last time you watched a Red Wings game. Abdelkader’s career high in points is 44, so when you can lock that guy up at four million a year until he’s 36, you do it. As the Senators begin to emerge from underneath their own ill-advised contracts with guys old enough to be Quaid brothers, it’s good to know their rivals are picking up the slack.

PREDICTION: Monday’s game is Polish Heritage Night at the Canadian Tire Centre; the Senators have only ever had one Polish-born player, that being their first goaltender, All-Star Peter Sidorkiewicz. You may recognize him as the handsome fellow that’s been leading off the Hater’s Guide for the last few weeks. Look for the Senators to handle the Red Wings easily, and for the CTC scoreboard to honor Sidorkiewicz during a first period TV timeout as he sits in a box drinking champagne he had to bring himself. Senators 5, Red Wings 0.

Thursday, November 19 – Senators vs. Blue Jackets

The Red Wings are Bad; the Blue Jackets are somewhere worse than Bad, somewhere down in that strata below Bad that’s typically reserved for Kevin Smith movies. The Blue Jackets are so bad they just hired professional screamer John Tortorella, like the NHL is the Steve Wilkos Show and the Blue Jackets are a weed-dealing 15-year-old who needs to be scared straight. Tortorella is the kind of super-chill guy who’ll march a flaccid six-inch meatball sub back to a kid making $9 an hour at Subway, bellowing without a trace of irony, “I don’t know how you have the TEMERITY to call yourself an “artist”. Thomas Kinkade was an artist. THIS is an EMBARRASSMENT.” And the kid will have no choice but to stare ahead blankly, much as Nick Foligno is probably doing right now.

Tortorella has actually overseen a pretty reasonable dead-cat bounce from the Jackets, who are 6-5 under their new coach after starting the season 0-7. Sadly, their recent wins have come without veteran forward David Clarkson, who suffered a back injury two weeks ago and has been placed on injured reserve. Clarkson, you’ll recall, was the Leafs’ prized seven-year, $37M free-agent signing who played so badly that they were pleased to trade him to Columbus for a guy with a degenerative back condition who will likely never play again. The rest of the NHL was stunned by the deal, in the sense that Clarkson was like a fine bottle of gin, if that gin was being sold at a gas station and the word “gin” was in quotation marks; it turns out this isn’t even illegal, because nobody thought anyone would actually buy it. Get well soon, David Clarkson.

PREDICTION: It’s always nice to see an ex-Senator come home having gone on to bigger things; look for Nick Foligno, now the leader of the Blue Jackets, to feel nostalgic for his time in Ottawa by drawing several goaltender interference penalties. The Foligno-Methot trade is one of those rare one-for-one swaps both teams can feel good about, in that Nick Foligno is a dependable captain, and Marc Methot is the ocean. Senators 5, Blue Jackets 0.

Saturday, November 21 – Senators vs. Flyers

Finally, the Flyers, those sleazebags in fluorescent orange who have been cheap-shotting dudes since the 1970s, much like your Uncle Vernon who works construction and likes Wild Turkey. We all expected the Flyers to be Bad and they have obliged us by being exactly that, although a quick perusal of their roster gives us every indication as to why. They collect Schenn brothers like Pokemon. Their second-line center is Sean Couturier, or as he’s referred to these days, “the extremely poor man’s Mika Zibanejad”. They signed Vincent Lecavalier to a long-term deal during a year that started with “2”. And I haven’t even mentioned Andy McDonald yet.

There was some speculation in recent years that Bobby Ryan, a native of Cherry Hill, New Jersey (also known as “Philadelphia’s Aylmer”) was itching to sign with his hometown Flyers, presuming this was a universe where Bobby Ryan would turn down $49M from the Senators a year before anyone else was eligible to offer it to him. I never understood this argument, particuarly since I don’t remember anyone saying the same thing about Flyers captain/good Orleans boy Claude Giroux and his hometown Senators. You don’t need to play in your hometown, you know. You can always go back during the off-season, keep a pied-à-terre, help out some buddies, get arrested. The world is not that big a place; we have the Internet now.

PREDICTION: Nem Floyers suck, yeh? Must be somethin in the wooder down yere. Senators 5, Flyers 0.

Season prediction record: 8-5-4

Next week: The Mountain time zone – the continent’s most pointless time zone.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, on my grown man (not pictured: you, borrowing your mom’s debit card)

Tuesday, November 10 – Senators @ Predators

I’ll tell you this for free – before you decide to start writing a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents, check the schedule to make sure that you won’t have to come up with two separate hot takes on the Predators in the space of a month. Can’t be done. And while that probably speaks to how uninteresting the Predators are, or how little of a rivalry they have with Ottawa, it’s also a poor way to begin Week 6 of our Hater’s Guide. But everything I said four weeks ago still stands, right? Mike Ribeiro is still a creep?

Tuesday’s game marks the end of this season’s home-and-home series with the Predators, and you might think they have a significant home-ice advantage in this one, what with the Senators having two days beforehand to hit Nashville’s Broadway strip for cowboy tapas and pickle-based whiskey cocktails until they get all bloated and groggy. But believe it or not, most professional athletes know better than that – okay, okay, not you, Patrick – and it’s only the media that go out and get completely destroyed in Nashville at this point. And lord, will they tell you about it. Come on, media. Act like you’ve been there before. After all, you have – last year, remember? No?

PREDICTION: The Predators are muddling along in a tough Central Division, having lost four of their last six, while the Senators are still smarting from Saturday’s improbable, impossible last-second collapse to the Hurricanes. Look for Chris Neil and Mike Fisher to share a quiet and respectful pre-game prayer, and then for the Senators to recreate all the good parts of the Old Testament. Senators 5, Predators 0.

Thursday, November 12 – Senators vs. Canucks

Ah, here we go. For the last few years this piece would have written itself. The Canucks – those whining, diving losers, those kids who’d taunt and taunt you until you hit them and they ran crying to a teacher, those employers of Ryan Kesler – were pretty unanimously the most hated team in the NHL. In a way, they were even more fun to hate than the Leafs, in that while neither had won anything since 1967, at least you got to watch the Canucks fail bitterly at the highest level and then see their own city burn down. We just need to make a couple riot jokes, a few digs at Alex Burrows, and we’re done – who’s thirsty?

But oh, how times have changed in Vancouver. The Canucks have more or less tread water since their Cup final loss to Boston – swapping out parts here and there, burning through goaltenders, and wondering when age will finally catch up to their Swedish captain – without ever making it out of the first round of the playoffs. In other words, they are now the 2010 Senators, which is arguably a fate worse than losing. Rather, they’re trapped in a hell of their own making between contending and rebuilding, making increasingly bizarre decisions like bringing in Brandon Sutter as a “second-line centre”, Brandon Prust as a “tough guy”, and 72-year-old Ryan Miller as a “big-game” goalie. We say this every year, but this is going to be the year the Canucks crash, hard, and it will be glorious. Okay, now who’s thirsty?

PREDICTION: This game marks the beginning of a five-game homestand for the Senators; that initial period when you’re home after a long time on the road is the best, isn’t it? Back in your own bed, familiar television, no reaching into your pocket for weird, crumpled paper money when you’re buying jerky – for a couple days you’re on a real high, before you remember being at home also means buying groceries, and caring about municipal politics, and that familiar malaise you’d been running from starts to set in again. But look for the Senators to capitalize on that initial positive energy in this game, and for the Canucks to continue to be a complete embarrassment to their city, their country, and the concept of organized hockey. Senators 5, Canucks 0.

Saturday, November 14 – Senators vs. Rangers

Ah, the New York Rangers, the only “Original Six” franchise that’s managed to win a Stanley Cup since the Canadiens last did, other than Boston, Chicago (three times), and Detroit (four). Am I missing anybody? Doesn’t matter, let’s move on. The Rangers are a good team, but really, truly hating them seems to be one of those things you need to live in New Jersey or Philadelphia to understand, like pork roll, or Bon Jovi. The rest of us? Eh. It’s only been three years since the Rangers mugged Erik Karlsson en route to a seven-game playoff win over the Senators, and most of you probably don’t even remember it.

This is the first of three Senators games against the Rangers this season, so if we’re going to learn to hate the Rangers, let’s start at square one, with Henrik Lundqvist, that beautiful, rich, famous, popular, world-class goaltender you’ve heard so much about. You know those kids in high school who were good at everything? They probably work for Lundqvist now, developing his new signature fragrance.  You may think you have it all, but then you look at Lundqvist – cool friends, cool clothes, electric guitar constantly at the ready in case a celebrity jam breaks out and needs a ham-fisted Sweet Child o’ Mine solo – and you realize how far from the 1% you really are. And this is the man that wants to beat your hockey team, after you broke your back all week shovelling meat? Do not stand for it.

PREDICTION: This is a Saturday afternoon game, which historically has been anathema for the Senators, although expect this year to be different. Why, you ask? Thanks for asking. Senators 5, Rangers 0.

Season prediction record: 7-4-3

Next week: Michigan! Ohio! Pennsylvania! They don’t just have meth; they’ve also got hockey teams! Get to know ’em!

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, putting the game in a frenzy (not pictured: you, pushing a weak mixtape)

Tuesday, November 3 – Senators @ Canadiens

You probably saw more than a few annoying articles in your Facebook feed last month from your Habs fan uncle – not the one in prison, the one who just got out of prison – about how strong Montreal’s start has been this season. Sure, fine, the 2007-08 Senators say hello. Go back and check how often the team with the best record in October wins the Stanley Cup, I’ll wait. I’ll just sit here and watch these Habs fans practice throwing trash cans through storefront windows, because it’s never too early to start getting ready for a first-round playoff exit.

You can ask most NHL experts and all my high school girlfriends – there is such a thing as “peaking early”. If the Canadiens were a Behind the Music episode, this would be the part where a portly British man in a cheetah-print blouse says, “Looking back, we thought the good times would last forever,” as a comically-large pile of cocaine is pushed across a mixing console in slow motion. Even now, you can see the seams starting to show for the Habs – Carey Price is already out for a week with a lower-body injury, which is Price’s code for “hip flexor” in November and for “shame” in May. Last week they blew a 3-0 lead to the Oilers. They’re now paying Tomas Plekanec $6M a year and they’ve never even seen his Adam’s apple. That purchase alone is more ridiculous than any money I’ve ever seen wasted on Behind the Music, and I watched both parts of the KISS episode.

PREDICTION: This will be the Senators’ first trip to the Bell Centre this year, where they typically play well; if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to score a goal there as a visitor, just recall Obi Wan’s speech from Star Wars about the destruction of Alderaan and how “millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.” That’s right, that quote uses the word “suddenly” twice in the same sentence, because Star Wars sucks. But not as much as the Habs! Look for whoever is playing goal for Montreal to eventually burst into flames. Senators 5, Canadiens 0.

Thursday, November 5 – Senators vs. Jets

On the one hand, it seems reasonable to have a soft spot for the Jets as a bizarro-version of the Senators playing in a smaller, more racist city but with an actual billionaire for an owner. On the other hand, no matter how often you celebrate Peggers as “die-hard hockey fans” (which typically just means “willing to pay through the nose for two more years of mediocrity at most”), it still seems like there’s something ersatz about their team, like the Jets are one of those fancy English gentlemen in a 19^th century novel that mysteriously comes to town and wins a lady’s hand only to be unmasked by a jealous rival as a poor country peasant, or in this case the Atlanta Thrashers.

It’s not that the Jets are necessarily bad. They have some good players, some good prospects, and took a step forward to make the playoffs for the first time last year. They also still have Ondrej Pavelec in net, which is a bit like spending a few painstaking years building a custom sports car only to give it a four-stroke engine salvaged from a 1985 Honda Prelude. And it’s that’s kind of decision that contributes to general feeling of something being “off” about the Jets, like their logo being close enough to the RCAF’s that they had to negotiate a usage contract, or their best player not really having a position, or their fans arguing about whether their franchise scoring leader is Dale Hawerchuk or Ilya Kovalchuk. It’s like something’s been lost in translation somewhere, as if these new Jets are a redubbed anime, or maybe a Chinese tattoo that actually means “ham boat”. They’re still an NHL team, sure, but there’s something weird about them that you can’t quite put your finger on. Tyler Myers, maybe?

PREDICTION: Jets fans always seem to show up in bunches at the Canadian Tire Centre, either because they travel well or, more likely, because of how many proud Winnipeggers eventually make the decision to get the hell out of Winnipeg. Look for Mike Hoffman to have a big night, and for a mid-level Environment Canada analyst in a Jets sweater to scream at you in frustration as he sits in the parking lot after the game. Senators 5, Jets 0.

Saturday, November 7 – Senators @ Hurricanes

This spring will be the ninth anniversary of the Senators’ Stanley Cup Final loss, also known as “The Most Exciting Thing To Ever Happen to Ottawa”, and the tenth anniversary of the Hurricanes’ Stanley Cup Final win, also known as “Oh Yeah, We Forgot About That” in the Raleigh-Durham metro area, or maybe “The 487^th Most Exciting Thing to Ever Happen in North Carolina After Every College Basketball Game Ever, And Most NASCAR Races, and AAA Baseball, and Probably a Few Panthers Games”. These people don’t need it the way you do. They live far enough south to get real barbecue but far enough north to get decent bagels, AND it’s mild year round. Have you ever been to the Outer Banks? They’re delightful. Screw these people.

It’s no secret that the Hurricanes are bad, functioning partly as a Staal family work-release program and partly as a clearinghouse for generic dudes with names like “Brock McGinn” and “Riley Nash” and “Brad Malone”, names you’d find in a particular type of film called, oh, let’s say Crease Crashers 7. But when you don’t have the pressure of carrying your local sports market, or even being cared about at all, you can basically just go with first ideas without worrying if they’re any good or not. Sure enough, everything about this team is so tossed-off it’s kind of amazing. Their uniforms are just generic enough to avoid a lawsuit from the Red Wings. The old joke is that their logo looks like a flushing toilet, but to me it looks like a graphic designer given $80 and an hour. Their team hashtag is #Redvolution, which is actually, miraculously, so bad that even the Senators haven’t used it. What are you revolting against, effort?

PREDICTION: What’s deadlier than Mark Stone? Mark Stone having just finished a bid for a crime he didn’t commit. Look for this to be less of a game than a Steven Seagal movie. Senators 5, Hurricanes 0.

Season prediction record: 5-4-2

Next week: the only team that even God hates more than you do, the Vancouver Canucks.

The monthly power rankings are a defunct feature here at Welcome To Your Karlsson Years, but it’s Hallowe’en and we decided to bring them out of retirement for one last job. If you’ve ever seen movies, you know this is always a huge success. Let’s go!

Click to enlarge.

22) Patrick Wiercioch – Wiercioch is wearing a cheap fedora, Morpheus-style sunglasses, and a baggy trenchcoat while being flanked by a beautiful woman. It’s possible his costume is a commentary on Gamergate’s ideal vision of itself, which would be awesome, but more likely he’s trying to dress as anything else, which is why he’s last.

21) Chris Wideman – Chris Wideman is Ali G, which was probably cool ten years ago.

20) Mark Stone – Mark Stone is Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro, which probably wasn’t even cool ten years ago – seriously, does anybody remember Semi-Pro? – but he ranks above Wideman because Wideman looks like he had to source a few items and Stone literally just bought a kit off the Internet, because he almost won the Calder last year and DGAF. Take note, Wideman.

19) Alex Chiasson – Chiasson isn’t even the only Minion here, but he’s the only Minion that caused me to Google “mustard accident”.

18) Mika Zibanejad – Mika Zibanejad is… Cinderella? We’re into the “men dressing as women and making duck face” part of the power rankings. Come on, dudes. You wanna dress like a woman, go for it, but maybe put some thought into it instead of assuming it’s automatically hilarious. Let’s see if we can do better.

17) Milan Michalek – Okay, maybe not. I’m not exactly sure what Michalek is going for, although there’s a sash involved, and duck face, and he looks jacked as hell. I’m not comfortable with any of it, although I have to admit that kitten heel really does his calves a favor.

16) Zack Smith – Okay, strike three. Zack Smith is a Playboy bunny apparently, and he’s allowing himself to be groped by a lecherous old man, but we can all enjoy the idea of a man treating a woman as an object when it’s a woman pretending to be the man and a man pretending to be the woman, can’t we? It’s almost like it’s cancelling out all the sexism that has ever happened. Nice duck face, BTW.

15) Erik Karlsson – Strike four – oh, GET AT ME. This is a lousy costume. It looks like a garbage bag with a stump growing out of it, and Karlsson’s hair and makeup make him look less like Ursula than Paula Deen. This is drag Ursula. And before you give Karlsson credit for the full-body paint, just remember that dead girl in Goldfinger, and ask yourself if you want your captain taking that kind of risk. Finally, the Ariel-Ursula slash-coupling was only ever included as an alternate ending on the Japanese Blu-Ray, so for most people it isn’t canon. I will give Karlsson credit for the nylons, though; that’s a detail most guys – looking at you, Smith – would miss.

14) Mike Hoffman – Mike Hoffman is the Flash, presumably because he’s a fast skater, which is kinda fun but a little on the nose. It’s like if Craig Anderson dressed up as a wall, or Jared Cowen dressed up as a bank robber.

13) Jean-Gabriel Pageau – Pageau looks sorta like Rambo, which is an awesome costume if you’re six, but still fairly endearing when you’re a grown-ass man who’s only five-foot-six. Ammo belt donated by the Gatineau Boys and Girls Club.

12) Chris Neil – I have no idea what Chris Neil is dressed as, which places him squarely in the middle of these rankings.

11) Clarke MacArthur – MacArthur has disappeared from this picture – maybe he’s taking it, or at home resting comfortably and double-fisting mini Snickers – but he’s dressed as a monkey in sweatpants. Is he supposed to be that guy who brings hot food onto an airplane? The bro doing curls in the squat rack? Tyler Bozak? Like all good art, it’s up to you to decide.

10) Mark Borowiecki – Boro appears to be leading the only three-person costume team here, which is either the three blind mice, or maybe some kind of Country Bear Jamboroo. I can’t see his partner Jared Cowen anywhere in this picture, though, suggesting he either declined to participate or is still at home trying to pull his costume over [ed. note: 1000th Jared Cowen man bun joke deleted. Let’s all try harder.]

9) Bobby Ryan – Bobby Ryan is Waldo. Where’s Waldo, you ask? Where’s Bobby is what the scoresheet’s asking! Hey, listen, thanks for reading.

8) Curtis Lazar – Curtis Lazar is Alan, Zack Galifianakis’ character in The Hangover. Every picture of him in this costume features him staring ahead blankly, either because he’s really selling the character or because he has an “upper body injury”. What’s funny is that the baby in his papoose is a dead ringer for Lazar himself, so maybe this is supposed to be Curtis, as Alan, carrying Curtis, which makes sense because that’s about the age Lazar was when The Hangover came out. Seriously.

7) Cody Ceci – Cody Ceci is the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz, although in this picture he just looks like David Crosby. Close up, you can see it’s a pretty good costume, although Ceci gives up before he gets to the bottom, settling for a pair of Wallabees last seen being worn by Walter White. Cody! Did you see Karlsson’s nylons? A leader leads all the way down to his skates.

6) Andrew Hammond – I’m pretty sure Hammond is the gorilla in the back, which makes sense, because he’s used to wearing a mask and has exhibited unpredictable behaviour that scientists will study for years. Did I already thank you for reading?

5) Marc Methot – Marc Methot is the other big guy in the back, right? In the Despicable Me costume? Is he dating that Minion? That’s not right.

4) Craig Anderson – Anderson is a ninja turtle and another offender in the “couple dressed as a same-sex platonic workplace duo” category. If I want to see Leonardo and Raphael dancing and grabbing each other I’ll go to a different, very specific bar, thank you very much. Unless Anderson is actually dressed as Mark Borowiecki, but you can’t dress like a teammate, can you?

3) Kyle Turris – Kyle Turris is a pair of scissors. Top three.

2) Shane Prince – Shane Prince is dressed as a young Chris Neil, which is the kind of upstart costume that would normally get you laid out by an old Chris Neil, except that Prince is a) currently making Chris Neil’s line look really good, and b) a western New Yorker who likes guns and hates body cameras. Let him cook, Chris.

1) Chris Phillips – I’m not exactly sure what Chris Phillips is going for here – he looks like some combination of Jimmy Zourntos, Popeye, and peak-heroin Jerry Garcia – but he looks silly and awesome and I’m giving Big Rig the W in what’s been a tough year for him. How tough? This isn’t even a costume – this is what he looks like now.

CORRECTION: a reliable source informs us that it’s Cowen, not Zibanejad, as Goldilocks, with Zibanejad in the Gru costume at the back. That’s duck face for you. Welcome To Your Karlsson Years deeply regrets the error.

POSTSCRIPT: not cool, Michalek.

This is a weekly feature that takes an uncharitable look at the Senators’ upcoming opponents.

Me, balling so hard (not pictured: you, getting shook about it)

Wednesday, October 28 – Senators vs. Flames

The Flames, much like the city of Calgary itself, are the least sexy thing on the planet. Their red-and-yellow, flamey uniforms have always looked like dollar-store knockoff Hot Wheels cars. Their roster every year just seems like a slightly different collection of generic, round-faced white guys (yes, even for the NHL) resembling a lineup from the NES version of RBI Baseball. They play in an arena modelled after the world’s largest Pringle, in front of people who are covered in rhinestones and full of undigested red meat. Beef: it’s what’s for dinner.

Calgary is one of those teams that the stats crowd will tell you was significantly outpossessed last year and was lucky to make the playoffs, which is exactly the kind of talking point I like to seize upon when it’s not about the Ottawa Senators. I really have nothing else to say about the Flames, because this is already the most I’ve ever thought about them. Suffice it to say the Flames have a couple decent young forwards, their captain is a Norris trophy candidate, and their fans live and die over their marginalia because there are no other pro sports in town, or really any activities at all. In this way, they have nothing in common with the Senators, and you should hate them.

PREDICTION: Wednesday will be the Flames’ third east coast game in four days, whereas the Senators will have had four days off to think about last week’s improbable, impossible loss to the Arizona Coyotes. Even the guy in the little lottery kiosk at one of the Sad Malls, like Merivale or Hazeldean, will refuse to sell you a Pro Line ticket taking the Flames in this game. He hasn’t spoken to anything other than a fish tank in four years but he’ll still call you an idiot. Look for Erik Karlsson to score 189 goals, each more elaborate than the last. Senators 5, Flames 0.

Friday, October 30 – Senators @ Red Wings

Saturday, October 31 – Senators vs. Red Wings

This is probably where you assume I am going to EVISCERATE the Detroit Red Wings for beguiling the Ottawa Senators’ long-time captain like a cathouse of painted Swedes, dangling Cup Promises and lingonberry pancakes in front of him as they spread their shin pads like a well-oiled bear trap. Well that’s an extremely unpleasant image, first of all, and second, I’m not going to do that, because this column is all about defying expectations. This column is the Sopranos finale of hating.

The truth is, *sits you down gently*, people get divorced for all kinds of reasons, and none of them are your fault. Besides, leaving your career team at the age of 40 is basically like ending a marriage in your 60s – getting out at that point is pretty much about principle, not market value. So let’s not keep dwelling on Daniel Alfredsson – WHO CAME BACK, BY THE BY – but rather the Detroit Red Wings, a.k.a. the Montreal Canadiens who still occasionally win championships. The Red Wings have so much laundry hanging from their rafters you’d think their dryer was broken. Their owner is the beloved Mike Ilitch, an 86-year-old entrepreneur and philanthropist who made his fortune founding the Little Caesars pizza chain. Ilitch has done great work investing in and revitalizing the city of Detroit during its recent hard times, but is also the man responsible for marketing bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza. In this way he probably killed more people this year than polio.

The Red Wings are the kind of team that does things “the right way” and have made the playoffs every season for the last 1000 years, which also happens to be the average age of the players on their roster. Watching their steady, consistent execution is a lot like watching a hockey fundamentals DVD, and about as entertaining. Some Wings fans may be wondering if their playoff streak is in jeopardy now that their long-time coach has departed for the Leafs. This is like asking if someone can continue to be a B- student after their dad runs away to becomes a carny. I was fine, by the way.

PREDICTION: The Senators and Red Wings are playing a home-and-home series on back-to-back nights, which means you can watch the Senators win Friday in Detroit and then go to your Hallowe’en party on Saturday confident you’ll be missing a repeat, not a new episode. Look for Andrew Hammond to get off the schneid with a shutout in one of these games, and for 15,000 Red Wings fans to sigh quietly in a Denny’s at some point. Also, your Hallowe’en costume is more than a little racist. It’s not just me saying that, either. Senators 5, Red Wings 0 (both games).

Season prediction record: 3-3-2

Next week: the Habs are back, making vaccinating your children more important than ever.