In which I try to level with you about this coaching thing and end up having to go lie down for a while

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Just pretend that football....is hockey

“It was the was the sdfla;aerg of times, it was the blurst of times. A time for thing and a time for the opposite kind of thing.” – Charles Dickens, 1991.

Hi everybody.

Can we talk? And by talk I mean, you read your computer screen at work or at the library and either nod and mutter “I know right?” OR shake your head and mutter  “This guy is seriously THE WORST.I need to start my own Senators/Foodie/Puppy photo of the day blog and rub it in his stupid, stupid face.”
I want to talk to you about this whole coaching situation.
As a person who works for this blog as their full time prison rehabilitation, daily I read most of the other webpages (2.0!) devoted to our beloved Senators and I gotta say…twixt the writers and commenters…people seem to really have their personal coaching decisions figured out. Which is awesome for them  -Im proud of all of you! I don’t tell you that enough- but what about my needs/dreams? Am I the only one who feels like this is even more of a crap shoot than the draft?
Foremostly (DEFINITELY a word), not to knock peoples takes on why Bry-Bry should select whom from whence and maybe it’s the humidity talking but the more I read on these guys the more I get flustered about the decision.

“We’re all sensitive people/with so much to give/understand me, sugar/since we got to be/let’s have a brief, friendly overview of what people are saying about the candidates and how I feel about that” – Charles Dickens, July 8, 2011

Dave Cameron: Konfession Korner, I was going to start with Kirk Muller but I figured lets get this guy out of the way early. This dude seems to really be in the hate pit among fans, huh? You don’t coach in the WJC gold medal game winning a silver medal for YOUR COUNTRY AND take your OHL team to the Memorial Cup final without making a few enemies! No, I get it; he can’t win the big game, right step-cousins? That’s why they picked Cory Clouston! His pedigree of BIG. GAME. DELIVERY. I always wonder about that criticism: Can’t win the big game. Only one team’s worth of people “win the big game” per tournament/playoff. It’s such a small pool to draft from and for me there are usually still other good people kickin’ around. I don’t think raising the “big game” question is without merit but it’s got all kinds of holes in it. Think about it player wise. You know what gritty forward knows what it takes to work your ass off to win the Stanley cup? ALEX KOVALEV. Should Tim Thomas lose the Stanley Cup final, it could be argued that he can’t win the big game but you know what? I’D BE COOL WITH THAT DUDE PLAYING FOR OTTAWA. Whatever the case, I think Cameron was written off the minute Melnyk endorsed him. Now that The Euge has been banned from conducting boardroom business (getting caught in shady white collar dealings sounds like the SWEETEST deal btw) he can finally focus on being a fucking BILLIONAIRE* full time. He’s also taken on a consulting role in the Sens organization as resident “don’t do what this guy says is a good idea” consultant. Also, what’s up with minor league coaches (OHL at that in this case!), getting a promo after one season of success. We can’t wait 2 seasons up in here? Anyway, this guy is probably a good coach and everybody hates him. I’d be cool with him as an assistant SORRY ASSOCIATE (apologies all around) coach because…I don’t know?

Kirk Cameron Muller: People seem generally high out of their minds on ecstasy over this guy. I can see why, Jaroslav Halak was REALLY REALLY great that one playoff! Whaaaaaaaat? I kid, I kiiiiiiid put down those bleu, blanc et rouge coloured switchblades. Montreal has been pretty decent the last couple of seasons and Muller was apparently a very big part of their turnaround. Okay, cool. Guy Carbonneau was also responsible for a lot of that success as head coach…and everyone hates that guy…Jacques Martin probably deserves most credit. So, clearly, the key here is handsomeness. Paul MacLean is sketchy because the Red Wings are a good organization willing to give a coach away and that’s a red flag…aaaaand…Kirk Muller is the sexy choice because he is coming from a successfullish team willing to part ways with him. Handsomeness. I wouldn’t be pissed at all about Kirk Muller being coach. I’m as smitten as the next Japanese school girl (.com, probably). I am just a little confused as to why he is such a front runner.

Paul MacLean: One essential that fans and pundits alike can agree on is that Paul MacLean is the NHL’s answer to Wilfred Brimley. Otherwise, he is a bit polarizing as apparently the Red Wings are not allowing teams so much as smell the hair of other associate coach Brad McCrimmon but are handing out MacLean’s pager number at the food court exit of the Rideau Centre. Look, I don’t know why that is. I’m not made of knowing about other teams associate coaches. Have you read this article to here? You haven’t? Just skimming…okay well that’s cool its a big internet. Well, moving on, the fact I’ve been plotting and perfecting a plan  for a couple of seasons now to drug and kidnap most of the Red Wings front office, staff and team only for them to awake go about their business in a Scotia Bank Place that I have painstakingly repainted and redecorated to the last detail to look exactly like the inside of Joe Louis arena makes me lean toward this guy. I think it’s an asset that he has spent considerable time being able to lean to the side and say, “What do you think we should do, Coach Mike Babcock?” and then listen to and remember what he said and then record it on his Newton for later. At the same time, I wonder if people are right about that question of “Is it the Detroit TEAM that makes the coaches so good?” Here in a one act play is what I sometimes imaginer it to be like to coach Detroit:

COACHING THE DETROIT RED WINGS

A One Act Tragiromcomedy 2: Back in the Habit

 

Scene: Detriot Red Wings Bench. A timeout has been called before a crucial faceoff in their defensive zone with the game tied up and one minute remaining:

 Coach: “Okay TIME OUT TIME OUT…great hustle out there, brosephines. Huddle up boys here’s the plan. Datsyuk, listen up, here’s what I need from you: Win this clutch face off and get the puck to Zetterberg here, who is amazing. Zetterberg will dish back to impending slam dunk first ballot hall of famer Nicklas Lidstrom. Lidstrom will have no problem retaining the puck under pressure and will make it look easy snapping a beautiful outlet pass back to you at centre ice where you have skated incredibly quickly to. From there just make whatever highlight reel move that comes to your beautiful mind and make whatever team we’re playing’s first pairing defense look like tired children’s clowns who are holding golf putters backwards and wearing skates made of sandpaper. Then continuing at full speed make a blind behind the back pass to a waiting Zetterberg who, ONCE AGAIN,  is also amazing. Meanwhile, Johan Franzen, who once scored 5 goals in one game against the Ottawa Senators**, will set have set up the screen ensuring the goal. Now go out there and be all the unfair NHL ‘98 Choose-Your-Own-Team-team you can be!”

Spoiler Alert: They Win.

FIN

Craig “Mac-TSN” SnackTavish: Another guy by and large in the hate pit with fans. Yes, it is really weird that Mac-T has been part of the TSN Panel for so long. He took a pretty mediocre Edmonton squad through the entire Mighty Western Conference only to lose to the widely, widely beloved North Carolina Hurricanes. Personally, I loved Mac-T as a player. That guy never took a shift off. So…Coaching? Right guys? It’s also pretty cool and frankly undeniable that he helped take Edmonton to the finals. I was intoxicated in Vancouver through most of that run and probably just generally bummed out about the Sens having been eliminated at that point so I missed most of it (I think?). Apparently he is very player oriented and that could be very good asset for this squad …but …I guess the Oilers did only have that one crazy ass season under him and it was with playoff beast/stupid asshole Chris Pronger. Mac-T seems to be viewed most unanimously disliked candidate among fans and writers alike…aside from Cameron I guess. Though, he DID rip the tongue off out of the Flames mascot’s*** mouth during a game…which is so, so good. Apparently Murray is high on this guy.

 Kurt Kleinendorst: Can I get spell check!? This guy’s already done more than enough for the organization. Again, according to reports, another player oriented coach with the added bonus of coming off a huge, huge Calder Cup win with Binghamton (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). The obvious turn off here is Cory Clouston Part 2. Back when Clouston took Bingo to the Calder Cu—oh wait… didn’t make the playoffs with them at all?…nevermind. No, we’ve seen a lot of coaches through these parts since Murray stepped down,  the last three were minor leaguers and the last three of them…not. so. hot. Patience is at an all time low in this regard (Coach is the new Goalie!). Despite this hesitance being not at all unreasonable, I still always think about the Dan Bylsma factor. The extremely likeable, upbeat, positive minded coach that players might really want to win one for. Was Clouston scapegoatted a bit in his dismissal? Kind of. He coached the team back into the playoffs after one year out (sans Heatley…who hated him)…and…seemed completely unknowable while doing it. Clouston seemed … not so flexible on anything but Christ could he dress. If Kleinendorst is the kind of guy that players can feel good about playing for while also being successful then of course I could be game for another spin on the Minor League Coachie-Go-Round. If not, I would LOVE to see this guy as Bingo’s head coach again.

Well, that just about wraps it up. Oh, right…

The Guy who coached The Saint John’s Seadogs this year: Another good coach I’m sure but I’m tired now…and the fact that Pascal LeClaire once played for this team is reason enough to take a pass. OR NOT. I STILL AM NOT SURE.

Okay, I’m to go lay down for a bit and worry about the draft.

*Even in all my 64 years on this labyrinth of a planet, I still cannot believe that even one human being owns over 1 billion gold coins.

**RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Pretty much the low point of the season for me.

***which is a dog with a hat for some reason.

Web Bonus Update!: I forgot about Bob Boughner: For my comprehensive take on Boughner check out this article I just put up  at www.bobboughner.com !

Varada emerges from the woods in order to piss in front of everyone

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I thought I would save this rant for the absolute dead of summer.

The Senators have to have one of the most reserved, unenthusiastic blogospheres of any team. This isn’t meant as a dig, and in fact, as the voice of (relative) cynicism for The CCFR, I can appreciate that restraint. This isn’t a fanbase that will take one look at Peter Regin’s quasi-breakout playoffs and think the team is competitive. It’s more likely that we will trip all over ourselves undercutting predictions of 20 goals on the season. This extends to almost all facets of our club’s development: should we sign that big UFA? Nope, save the cap space. Should we trade picks for more developed players? Nope, we should be patient and watch our team develop arduously over years. What does success X mean for season Y? Probably nothing, the team is going to stink for a while. All reasonable positions, I guess.

But after the B-Sens win the Calder, I’ve got to ask why we aren’t getting more excited about what this means for a rebuilding club. I can’t think of a better sign that the team might be okay than their farm team winning it all in the FIRST YEAR of the big club’s rebuild – and led by their goalie of the future, no less. Signings like Butler stepped up big time, role players like Greening and Condra played solid two-way games and did the little things right, and even blue chippers like Cowen stepped in to play top minutes after already playing a full season and playoffs with another team. These are all incredibly positive things. I can’t help put think that if it was, say, the Islanders’ AHL affiliate (The Rancho Relaxos, I believe), that they’d feel great.

So all I’m saying, people, is c’mon: it’s June. It’s okay to get a little crazy. We won the Calder, and that means next year we’re gonna win the Cup.

BINGHAMTON SENATORS: Your OFFICIAL Source of Being the 2011 Calder Cup CHAMPIONS!

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BING HAM CLAN AINT NOTHIN TO FUCK WITH BING HAM CLAN AINT NOTHIN TO FUCK WITH

Seriously, you guys, Bing Ham Clan aint nothin’ to fuck with.

Congrats to this spectacular team, to Robin Lehner’s lights out run, Daugavins incredible moustache, and the crazy point totals of numerous players. Finally, to the city Binghamton, New York! Savour this moment you lovers! Rub it in the face of those stupid Shelbyville PUNKS!
We knew you could do it boys!

Get Well Coach Stirling!

 

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The Getting Done of -R-

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Hey sports things happy summer/count down to draft day!

It’s that time of year again where we cheer the Binghamton Senators well into June and hope they can carry on their long dynasty of AHL playoff succee— Oh just received a message from a good friend in an America Online chat room (Shout out to DreamCastShark6969!!) I have open here on my Pentium 2 and it turns out that, to the contrary, it’s a rare condition, this day in age, to see B-Sens playoff coverage on the newspaper page. Huh. Well, I suppose that given the illusiveness of both love AND tradition of the grand design (?) that even the most jaded industry expert would say, that finding Bingo one win away from the Calder Cup even HARDER to find.
If you ask me, there simply MUST be some magic clue, inside these tearful walls (??). Granted, I admit having the easy vantage point of a fan but all I see is a tower of dreams. A tower of dreams with real love bursting. BURSTING OUT OF EVERY SINGLE SEAM. Right? Am I right? Am I right or wrong? Because that’s what playoff hockey is all about. Towers of dreams…Barry Brusting with real love. At all seams.
In nervousness news (that is somehow not about the draft) Jared Cowen has reportedly not suffered a concussion and skated with the team today in Houston. According to not very much research, some people expect him in the lineup tonight against the Eros. That’s right. Houston must be a very Greek and Erotic city to give a sports team a name like that. It may come as no surprise to those who follow the AHL club closely, but Stephane Da Costa IS slated to make his debut attempt at Call of Duty: Black Ops on the second hardest setting tonight. Best of luck! I hope Robert Butler scores the game winning goal tonight and skates over to the bench and signs a very reasonable contract on the back of Kurt Kleinendorst’s plane ticket toOttawa for his head coach interview. GO SENS GO! DO IT FOR COACH STIRLING!! Get well soon coach!

In which the porridge was juuuuuuuuust right!

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Ahhh, one of my favorite images of the whole season! Look, in this work a day world, your mother and I try our absolute hardest to provide for your needs like making posts about the latest hockeysenators news, sort of previewing games and getting you fitted for braces. It’s a rat race out there, look at now. We are working hard in the off season to find something to post EVERY SINGLE DA–…* Anyway, this was initially made for a Shame Day Preview for Chris Kelly’s first game playing for the Beantown Bears. There was a technical error and it didn’t get posted in time. Anyway, it’s really amazing and I’m glad to show this thing off!

*BTW people, can we get some respect up in here for www.silversevensens.com and www.6thsens.com AND www.senstown.com for posting pretty much every day?! We started this blog in the off season in August of last year and it is TOUGH to think about crud to talk about…give those guys some props on their message boards for bringing it!  

 

In which we find reason to celebrate… and then forget the next day

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It was a season of one thousands.  Poppa Alfredsson got he’s one thousandth point,  Kovalev got his one thousandth point, once the glacier imprisoning him melted, and then promptly froze again (Man I don’t miss that guy).  However, Ruutu also served his one thousandth penalty minute.  I totally forgot because I was on an important business trip and I’m a terrible father, so I took him to Mouse Themed Party Buffet.  “…And the cats and the cradle and the silver spoon…”

In which we get HYYYYYPED about Binghamton

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Did the guy who drew the Herman cartoons design this thing?

First, I want to congratulate the other CCFR bloggers for giving me my job back just in time for summer – that’s the season where is rains literally every day right? – So far so good! I’m excited to turn over a new leaf after paying my debt to society for something called, Internet Vagrancy. Before you ask, I had a great time in jail!
Secondly, I want to give my congratulations to the Burgertime Senators for their impressive sweep of the Chubby Checkers last night at Push Broome Moustache Memorial Arena (.com?)  Heyyyy, still got my most annoying writer chops!
OH OH OH and THIRDLY I would like to congratulate Mrs. Lewandowski’s 4th grade class at George Vanier Public School who won the contest to design the B-Sens uniform! Your jersey is going to the Calder Cup! Great job kids, especially, 9 year old student Tyler Beauchemin, the best ‘draw-er’ in the class, who really stepped up both in the designing the logo AND incorporating every single student’s ideas into the jersey! Looks AWESOME- great work on the chin shading and all the other stupid shit all over the place!

So…shit is getting pretty real down in Binghamton now, am I right, you guys? *crickets*

Selfishly aaaaaand unoriginally, one can’t help but examine this success in terms of how it will impact the Ottawa Big Boy Beds next season leading up to the 2012 Mayan apocalypse.
Personally, I think that this whole situation has made training camp delightfully complicated for next season as a few of these gents have raised some eyebrows with their play.
As  a guy who both listened to a couple Bingo games on the radio while exercising AND occasionally watched highlights of their games late at night after getting in from the bar, take it from me, I  KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. Come, imagineer with me!!!

Ryan Potulny: ehhhhhh what?…This guy….on a mind burgling Kesleresque streak of 25 points in 17 games. He is raising some interesting questions for me right now. Does he have a case of the Bobby Butlers? Largely ineffective in role player mode but let him snipe in the top six and watch the points pile up in bunches? OR is he a Denis Hamel type in training; a beloved AHL star best known in the NHL for getting absolutely pasted by Former McGuire Monster / dumb haircut haver Dion Phannerf on the youtubes?
I think I gave Poutinely an F in my post season report card b.s. but I mean…guy has been a playoff  beast in the AHL! It’s undeniable. What’s a girl to do with this guy come September? Does this pleasant surprise fit into Bry-Bry and the Sens plans at all?

Robin “Big Game Hunter” Lehner. The kid is something like 10 and 2 now with 2 shutouts and made an impressive 42 saves to complete the sweep last night. Carrying on with my theme of Blame Brian Elliot for Everything Last Season, that whole NHL goaltending trial by fire mess that Lehner had to deal with DID in the end have a silver lining. Since the red hot Barry Brust (you can’t MAKE these names up) went down with an injury, Lehner has done a great job of establishing himself in a very short amount of time and if the experience he is garnering right now doesn’t build character I don’t know what does (I don’t actually know as I’m a complete coward).
If Tim Murray has been getting my letters and e-cards, next season will see Lehner as undisputed Bingo #1, Baby Brodeur  as solid backup with Barry Burst of Real Fruit Flavour brought up to the Ottawa Sens backing up Craig Andersfasdl;fkjfasf;ldgs.

Zed Smith. Apparently this guy DOES give quite the crap about making the Senators in a serious ass way next season. A point per game in the post-season, 2 hat tricks(wtf?), a clutch face off win last night to put the Checkers (great bad name or GREATEST bad name? ..srsly, can a team not just be the LIONS or something, ugh…) away for the sweep, 53 shots on goal…guy has been DOMINANT. I am interested to see if Z can continue with this intensity and clutch production if he will work his way up from “The Next Chris Neil” to some sort of Kelly/Fisher hybrid. One way or another, Z. has all but punched his ticket to the bigs. Kudos! Remember giving “kudos” on MySpace? I have a feeling that giving kudos, along with MySpace, are poised to make a HUGE comeback!

UPDATE! 5:30pm 19/05/11: Z. Smith just signed a 2 year one way deal with Ottawa! I’m assuming myspace and kudos are next … theres no time to waste finding out…I should go put 50 bucks on red at the casino RIGHT NOW!

UPDATE! 5:32pm 19/05/11: I just lost 50 bucks at the casino

Bobby “BOBBY BEEEEE BUTLAHHHHH” Butler. I think we can all agree that we are each and every one of us excited to purchase and enjoy our Bobby Butler jerseys once he signs some kind of one way deal. Personally, I feel the team has been doing so well that B-Rock’s continued torrid goal scoring has been a bit of a secondary headline because of the scoring depth the B-Sens have been able to boast. Sure, he’s no Ryan Potulny (am I actually typing this sentence?) but he’s been potting them quietly on the power play and I believe a game winner here or there on this psychedelic AHL journey to the centre of…the…uhhh…something something…moving on…

Kaspars “Can we get this guy a nickname so we can stop saying his full name already?” Daugavins. Seriously, the WEIRDEST name and that’s coming from me, who’s real name is Francisco Flores Woodycook-Van der Vaart (follow me on twitter!). By all accounts…this guy has been kind of an amazing finesse forward for a long time now. I was under the impression that midseason Binghamton was supposed to lose this guy to a loan to some Latvian club (where im sure he would instantly be the best player in that league). Lucky for Bingo that didn’t happen as K.D. (that’s better) has been an essential part of this team’s success. Definitely a guy that, to follow Verada’s thinking, maybe should be given a wee shot at the NHL…c’mon we’re terrible let’s just see what he can do for like 5-10 games. He’s certainly earning a look right now. I’ve heard his two way game needs work…but who’s doesn’t in this work-a-day world?

Helen “Ryan” Kellar. Scored a President’s Choice Dave’s Memories of Alfie OT winner last night to send Bingo to the Calder Cup finals. Judging by his output 22 frigging points in 17 games, he is demonstrating why they made him captain. Like Potulny, I wonder if and where this guy fits into the picture in Ottawa. Does he stay down in the A to provide stable leadership to our apparently awesome farm team or does he get a shot? Not the youngest pup in the world (relative to NHL rookies and not the proud senior citizen writing this) his window of opportunity is fast shrinking. A very impressive season AND playoff for Keller none the less. Good show, chappy! What? Want to fight me for calling you Helen Kellar? Challenge me here on twitter: @francisco_f_woodycook_van_der_vaart

Andre Beniotchio Del Toro. So, with 55 points in 73 games in the regular season and another 14 points in 17 post season games Beniot is apparently a defenseman WITH a plus rating. Uhhh…where was this guy during that 1-0 snoozefest between Bingo and Hamilton at Scotiabank eaelier this season. Roughly the same age as Keller I ask the Seinfeldian question “WhaaaAAaaaaAAaat is the deal with consistent but aging minor league defensemen?” I don’t think the defensive core is as wide open at the big club level as forward and very likely this guy will continue to be a  sturdy depth call up for the O-Sens and an awesome rushing Dman for the B-Sens.

Jared Cowbell. Not bad for a guy who had to spend the year in WHL purgatory thanks to some dumb age restriction. Some attributed Jared’s dominance and jump in production in Spokane in 2010-2011 to his being a man in a boys’ league. Regardless, 4 points in 5 games and not looking out of place getting Chris Pronger minutes on the top pairing in Bingo is a welcome rebuttal. My guess is that this guy is a work horse, (and could the kid honestly look anymore like a hard working young farmhand?) is used to being leaned on heavily and is at his most comfortable getting a ton of minutes. Whatever the case, it’s working. Many fans expect Cowsy (totally predicting that nickname btw) to just walk onto the big club next year. For me, given his age, I think I’d rather just see him be “the guy” Robin Lehner style, on D for the whole year in Binghamton. Very excited about this guy. Especially given Chris Phillips’ recent controversial decision to become one of the worst players on the team.

Okay now that I’ve exhausted the precious little I know about the team I think that juuuust about wraps it up…so if you don’t mind I’ll be getting back to my Mafia Wars ga- *record screeching sound*

Ohhhhhhhhh the other dudes people care about stuff. . .

Corey Locke. So you know a team is doing well when 10 points in 10 games puts you halfway down the scoring chart of forwards! Ive seen some pretty beautiful feeds by him in the highlights. Particularly impressive considering he’s coming off of an injury. Honestly, AHL MVP, what a signing for the B Sens! I’ve said it before, I love the guy, Ive been sharing the laughter and love since he was a star on the 67s but I really think he’s an AHL star and gets paid handsomely to be one. Binghamton needs its own Spezza and I think he’s it.

Patrick Wiercioch. Not to show off but I can spell this guy’s name without looking. Previously considered a prospect of high pedigree, regular season struggles have bumped Patrick down to “long term project” and he has been surpassed on the depth chart by other defensive prospects like Karlsson, Beniot, Kinrade, and Filip Kuba (just kidding im sure Wiercioch absolutely sonned Kuba this year). By all reports, he really started to turn his season around toward the end of the year. Sure he has 1 point in 13 playoff games but I don’t know…coming off injury…it’s a strange beast and  guys aren’t always 100% even though theyre back in the line up. I expect the kid to have a dynamite year in Bingo before the 2012 rapture. Speaking of which, on his player profile he listed his favourite book as the Bible…hey I have absolutely no problem with that …but have you READ that book?…whew..bring a BOOK.

Oh, but what of late season love children Eric Condra and Colin Greening? Was that all just so much pillow talk?
Nah, baby, I swear I was gunna talk about them…right after I got back from the store…

So the popular belief  is that these two have been disappointing considering their production when given a chance in Ottawa in the club’s “late season troop surge.” I don’t know though (no really, you’ve read this far to know that I really actually don’t know) Condra’s 13 points in 17 games and +8 is pretty unfudgewithable. Greening eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh…leaving something to be desired with 3 points in as many games and a -1. Maybe he’s playing more of a checking role and is contributing more off the score sheet. He is a guy with that kind of size to do so but his 46 shots on goal make me think other wise. That or…ONE of the dudes on the team has to do at least kind of bad right? For me it doesn’t change my feeling that both Greening and Condra are both huge question marks going into training camp this coming fall. Since these two seem so have a similar game and what with Zack Smith looking like them on steroids, it will be neck and neck between C and G for the OTHER power forward role…because DAMN Z Smith seems to have that locked down. I guess the edge goes to Super Condra at the moment. Excitement she wrote!

UPDATE! 5:30pm 19/05/11: Colin Greening just signed a 3 year (?) one way (???) deal with Ottawa. I can also confirm that I apparently don’t know shit about shit.

Okay, other than that, Stephane Da Costa has already begun his tanning regimen on a beach in Marseilles and according to his agent he sends the Binghamton Senators “his regards.”

GO BINGHAMTON GO!!!!!!

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The CCFR returns from spring vacation, has dysentery, looks at UFA market

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Note: big ups to Cap Geek, which is where I pulled this list from. Only looked at UFA forwards, assuming we aren’t in the market for more defencemen or goalies. 

This year’s UFA period is set to be boringly terrific. Teams like the Rangers and Leafs will launch into their fortieth straight years of a plan to spend their way into contention though it only works .002% of the time; Florida will try to find at least ten new players who would like to play for a team about to set a record for most years out of the playoffs; and Ottawa will not to sign an aging Russian…or will they! Ottawa has $16M in cap space and there’s almost nothing else to write about in Sens news, so here we goooooooooo!

Player Pos Team Age Cap Hit Should we git im?
Richards, Brad » F DAL 31 $7,800,000 Dream on. The guy is going to go to the Rangers, who will buy out Drury and bury Gaborik in the minors to make it happen, and then he’ll be traded, bought out or buried three years from now when it’s his deal that prevents New York from signing, oh I don’t know…Stamkos or something. Either that, or the Leafs will throw a billion dollars at this guy to play with Kessel. Or Florida will spend literally all of their $40M in cap space on him.He’s an appealing player, a verifiable no. 1 center, but Ottawa is getting away from high-priced UFAs, and they already have an expensive center in Spezza. It would be awesome to see him in a Sens uniform, but it ain’t happenin’.
Gagne, Simon » F TBL 31 $5,250,000 For a guy who’s gonna have to take a huge pay cut because of being an injury risk, he’ll probably want to do it for a contender. If Ottawa is willing to pay out some more in years or cash, he might consider sitting in the press box with Milan Michalek for a few years and comparing leg casts. Ottawa should probably stay away from cursed players, though. It will take all summer to exorcise the ghost of Pascal Leclaire.
Kovalev, Alexei » F PIT 38 $5,000,000 The Sens should sign this guy to a 2 year, $10M deal so that they can trade him for a conditional 7th rounder at a future deadline. It’s called ‘resource management.’
Nylander, Michael » F WAS 38 $4,875,000 Michael Nylander should start his own lawn care company.
Selanne, Teemu » F ANA 40 $4,500,000 Will re-sign with the Ducks or retire. Should sign with Washington, but he won’t.
Arnott, Jason » F WAS 36 $4,500,000 Ottawa should take a serious look at Arnott, while managing expectations. He’s good for 15 goals and 40 points, but would be an ideal replacement for Mike Fisher. Hard-nosed, two way player and a leader. His price could easily get out of hand, and he probably wants years at his age, but worth monitoring the situation. Every time he scores they should play “What a Man.”
Connolly, Tim » F BUF 30 $4,500,000 I hate all players who play in or once played in Buffalo, including those who then went on to play for Ottawa. Conolly is pretty good though – young, productive, and not terribly expensive (relatively speaking). I feel like some desperate team will offer him too much, but Ottawa should monitor the bidding.
Ryder, Michael » F BOS 31 $4,000,000 A depth scorer who will probably re-sign in Boston at a reduced salary, Ottawa might want to throw him a lowball offer and see if he bites.
Handzus, Michal » F LAK 34 $4,000,000 See Ryder, Michael. A top six forward, but hardly one to put the team on his back. Terrible hair.
Sullivan, Steve » F NAS 36 $3,750,000 Stevie Sullivan is a godlike player who is beloved everywhere he goes, and Ottawa would be lucky to have him. Much like Arnott, he won’t put up huge numbers, but you have to pay for that kind of character. Is Nashville doesn’t re-sign him, Murray should snipe the dude.
Stillman, Cory » F CAR 37 $3,533,333 Likely too expensive and old at this point to be the kind of player Ottawa wants, though he is a veteran, and reportedly liked his time in Ottawa. Maybe he offers them a discount?
Sturm, Marco » F WAS 33 $3,500,000 Sturm is a bit of a curious case. Rampant injuries these past few years resulted in Boston giving him to Washington for literally nothing, and he pressed there without getting much results. A reclamation project, not unlike Marek Svatos, he’s young enough to warrant a look, though like Gagner, if he has to take a cut, why would he do it for a rebuild?
Ponikarovsky, Alexei » F LAK 31 $3,200,000 Another player whose production fell off a cliff, even on a talented team like LA. He’s big, and has shown stretches of dominance, but has been all but invisible for months. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him try out the KHL next year.
Frolov, Alexander » F NYR 28 $3,000,000 Another strong KHL candidate, Frolov made a stink out of not being offered much money last offseason, and he sucked in New York. UPDATE: And, he’s signed to the KHL. I’m pretty good.
Vrbata, Radim » F PHO 29 $3,000,000 An interesting player, who’s flourished under Tippet in Phoenix. At only 29, he’s definitely worth a look, though the thought has been that conditions have to be ideal for him to play well. Somehow those conditions were with the Coyotes.
Hejduk, Milan » F COL 35 $3,000,000 Hard to imagine him signing anywhere by Colorado, but also hard to understand why Colorado would want him back after this disastrous year. He’s been surprisingly productive at times. How would he look playing on Ottawa’s 2nd line? UPDATE: he just re-signed in Colorado for one year.
Cole, Erik » F CAR 32 $2,900,000 Another amazing player limited by injuries, Cole is like a less talented but grittier Simon Gagner. Ottawa should definitely take a look, especially if he can be had for a similar salary. CAUTION: he might instantly die.
Langenbrunner, Jamie » F DAL 35 $2,800,000 Another player in the Arnott / Sullivan mould, Langenbrunner seems like exactly the type that Ottawa should be targeting. He brings leadership and experience, and won’t be too expensive. A horrible year in New Jersey might bring his price tag down some more.
Clark, Chris » F CLB 35 $2,633,333 I have no idea who this is.
Fleischmann, Tomas » F COL 26 $2,600,000 Fleischmann will have no shortage of suitors. He’s young, productive, and plays the game tough and well. With Washington laying another playoff egg, I’d expect they might let him walk as part of an overhaul, and if they do, Ottawa should be part of the bidding. Even if he doubles his salary, he’s worth a close look. NOTE: Fleischmann is in Colorado, stupid.
Samsonov, Sergei » F FLA 32 $2,533,333 I can’t believe Samsonov is only 32. I feel like I’ve been reading about him for fifty years. He should have gone to the KHL a couple of seasons ago.
Prospal, Vaclav » F NYR 36 $2,480,000 Will become part-owner / 1st liner of a KHL team, like an alternate reality Mario Lemieux.
White, Todd » F NYR 35 $2,375,000 Wouldn’t it be kind of cool to bring Toddy back? Naw, not really.
Miettinen, Antti » F MIN 30 $2,333,333 Another solid contributor who Ottawa might be able to take off the market because the Wild must be getting sick of spending to the cap every year and never getting anywhere. Has played extremely well at times with the Wild’s best players; how would he do playing with Spezza?
Brunette, Andrew » F MIN 37 $2,333,333 No way. Expensive and old. Had a terrible year last year.
Kobasew, Chuck » F MIN 29 $2,333,333 Sort of faded from the public consciousness, as most players who end up in Minnesota do, but he’s gritty. May be best suited as a 3rd liner, which means Ottawa should pass.
Upshall, Scottie » F CLB 27 $2,250,000 Young, energetic, and a leader, I can never understand why Philly traded him for that psycho Carcillo, or why the Coyotes traded him after he became such a big part of their team. He isn’t living up to his status as a 6th overall pick (Ottawa, take note of players once picked 6th overall…), but I would love if Ottawa brought him in. Of all of the players I hope come to Ottawa in the off season, Upshall is probably my no. 1.
Laich, Brooks » F WAS 27 $2,066,667 The second half of Washington’s dual pending UFAs, Laich is also a great depth player who the Caps might trim in an effort to overhaul a disappointing would-be contender. He’ll probably be the subject of some intense bidding, but Ottawa should look at bringing him back and then re-sign Bondra out of retirement so we can HAVE IT ALL.
Zherdev, Nikolai » F PHI 26 $2,000,000 This has got New York Rangers written all over it. Watch him make $5M or something ridiculous.
Forsberg, Peter » F COL 37 $2,000,000 As well all know, Peter Forsberg died in a mining accident, where to this day he haunts the workers still. If you listen carefully, you can still hear him whispering “comeback.”

 

Things start to get ugly…
Moreau, Ethan » F CLB 35 $2,000,000 3rd liner. Of which we have plenty.
Recchi, Mark » F BOS 43 $1,950,000 Kind of awesome. Was sent back in time to save the declaration of independence from aliens.
Modano, Mike » F DET 40 $1,750,000 Scratched from the line up of the team who chased him all off season. He’s done.
Dvorak, Radek » F ATL 34 $1,700,000 Bwa-ha-haaaaa
Larose, Chad » F CAR 29 $1,700,000 Actually…pretty productive in Carolina. Cheap and young. I still sort of hate him though.
Tanguay, Alex » F CGY 31 $1,700,000 Every year he finds another sweetheart, and no doubt he will again. Lord hopes it’s not in Ottawa, unless he’s willing to sign for another lowball contract.
Jokinen, Jussi » F CAR 28 $1,700,000 See Larose, Chad. A good player on a bad team masks his potential not-so-goodness, but at less than Chris Neil’s salary? Worth a look.
Higgins, Chris » F VAN 27 $1,600,000 I think hope is fading for this guy to be a top six player, and he’s not gritty enough to be a checking line player. Maybe Ottawa should sign him so they can throw him into a package for a better player at some point.
Draper, Kris » F DET 39 $1,583,333 See Recchi, Mark.
Ward, Joel » F NAS 30 $1,500,000 Whatta guy. Will probably re-sign in Nashville after his heroics in the playoffs this year, unless some idiot GM (Sather) decides to throw a bag of cash at him.
Grier, Mike » F BUF 36 $1,500,000 On to his fifteenth team in only two seasons. (Not true.)
Dupuis, Pascal » F PIT 32 $1,400,000 Still can’t believe 1) he’s that young, and 2) he’s been so productive in the Pitts. He’ll re-sign there, I bet. Don’t be cheap, Shero, give that guy an extra half-mill at least.
Ruutu, Jarkko » F ANA 35 $1,300,000 We gotta move forward, not back.
Madden, John » F MIN 38 $1,250,000 This guy was once scary. He is no longer.
Niedermayer, Rob » F BUF 36 $1,250,000 See Grier, Mike.
Modin, Fredrik » F CGY 36 $1,200,000 I have a soft spot for Modin, but his effectiveness is down to nothing at this point.
Prucha, Petr » F PHO 28 $1,200,000 Holy shit, he’s only 28! I always thought of this guy as the same sort of player as, uh, Modin or something. Like Vrbata, he’s had some luck in the desert, and might be worth a look at that price.
Kopecky, Tomas » F CHI 29 $1,200,000 Checking third liner, which we have enough of.
Glencross, Curtis » F CGY 28 $1,200,000 Calgary sucks.
Reasoner, Marty » F FLA 34 $1,150,000 Calgary does not suck as much as Florida.
Weight, Doug » F NYI 40 $1,150,000 Retiring, thank Christ.
Marchant, Todd » F ANA 37 $1,125,000 Old and ridin’ dirty.
Fiddler, Vernon » F PHO 31 $1,100,000 What a motley cast in Phoenix.
Talbot, Maxime » F PIT 27 $1,050,000 What a shit disturber.
Torres, Raffi » F VAN 29 $1,000,000 Lord, I hope not. Probably signs in Ottawa for $3M or some shit.
Rissmiller, Patrick » F FLA 32 $1,000,000 There’s going to be a lot of these types of guys available from here on out – maybe some glory days here and there, maybe some nostalgia to keep us warm at night, but I’m mostly gonna start cutting corners. These are the types of players you don’t sign because we already have Greenings and Condras in the system.
Bradley, Matt » F WAS 32 $1,000,000
Fedotenko, Ruslan » F NYR 32 $1,000,000
Voros, Aaron » F TOR 29 $1,000,000
Jones, Ryan » F EDM 26 $975,000
Eager, Ben » F SAN 27 $965,000 I would sign this guy in a heartbeat. Heart-and-soul player, and a real pain in the ass. He’ll get a raise fer sure.
Picard, Alexandre » F PHO 25 $868,219 Not the one we traded for and then traded away. (I think.)
Rupp, Michael » F PIT 31 $825,000 See the cutting of corners.
Sutherby, Brian » F DAL 29 $812,500
Leino, Ville » F PHI 27 $800,000 Played well in Philly, I bet he stays there. Or Sather comes in and blasts him in the face with money.
Gordon, Boyd » F WAS 27 $800,000 See the cutting of corners.
Svatos, Marek » F OTT 28 $800,000 I think Ottawa’s had a hard-on for this guy for years. They were always linked to him in trade rumours, and he’s so young and cheap it’s hard not to say “Sure, Gomer, where’s the beef?” and just give him another year. People who think this way should remember that he scored negative 5 goals in Ottawa.
Goc, Marcel » F NAS 27 $775,000 See the cutting of corners.
Hordichuk, Darcy » F FLA 30 $775,000
Nichol, Scott » F SAN 36 $760,000
Godard, Eric » F PIT 31 $750,000
Sjostrom, Fredrik » F TOR 28 $750,000
Eaves, Patrick » F DET 27 $750,000 Wouldn’t that be funny! We could start expecting him to be a top 6 player again and then, when disappointed, trade him at the deadline.
Belanger, Eric » F PHO 33 $750,000 See the cutting of corners.
Morrison, Brendan » F CGY 35 $725,000
Asham, Arron » F PIT 33 $700,000
Winchester, Brad » F ANA 30 $700,000
Bergenheim, Sean » F TBL 27 $700,000 See Ward, Joel, and the impending pay day from short-sighted GMs. Good for him.
Andersson, Jonas » F VAN 30 $675,000 See the cutting of corners.
Boulton, Eric » F ATL 34 $650,000
Wellwood, Kyle » F SAN 27 $650,000 I don’t want to live in a world where Wellwood wins a Stanley Cup.
Miller, Drew » F DET 27 $650,000 Who are all of these people?
Murray, Andrew » F CLB 29 $625,000
Glass, Tanner » F VAN 27 $625,000
Carter, Ryan » F FLA 27 $625,000
Shannon, Ryan » F OTT 28 $625,000 Sure, he’s earned himself another payday – maybe even one at slightly more than league minimum. Murray, re-sign the little ragamuffin!
Ellis, Matt » F BUF 29 $625,000 Who?
LoVecchio, Jeff » F FLA 25 $605,000 What?
Lundmark, Jamie » F NAS 30 $600,000 Where?
Halpern, Jeff » F MTL 35 $600,000 Ugh?
Parrish, Mark » F BUF 34 $600,000 Guh?
Cullen, Mark » F FLA 32 $600,000 Bah?
Hall, Adam » F TBL 30 $600,000 Tah?
Konopka, Zenon » F NYI 30 $600,000 This guy is fucking badass. I always pick him up in my pool for the penalty minutes. I don’t really feel the need for enforcers, but if we need one I’d get this guy.

That’s basically where I gave up, because from here on out it’s like the Island of Lost Toys, and I expect most of these players will find themselves leading the Atomic Barracuda Barrels of the Germanic Series in secondary assists.

In which we present the scraps from the cutting room floor

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Over the course of the year, a lot of  images fall by the waste side.  Some because they are terrible ideas, some because they never happened.  Blogging is a cutthroat sport with many image casualties.   Anyways, in the bottomless pit that is the off season, I present b-sides.  Images that are totally non-topical and maybe even made up, but hopefully provide your eye’s mouth with nourishment until next season… Or just some bullshit to look at.

The Image Guy