James to conrad, peter

Subject: Is it too much to ask for a non-shitshow in net tonight?

So, I’m being patient about not giving it up on the first date and giving such and such player time to develop before Senior Prom (OMG SO EXCITED!!) before making the NHL because I’m smooth like that.

But what I’m writing terribly at here is this…I know that its two pre-season games in and perchance there was a little extra vitriol in my corn flakes (good metaphor!) because Wednesday’s loss was against the hated leafs but lemme axe you this: Is it too unreasonable to expect of Pascal LeClaire a great game tonight if even for his own sake? Pre-season or not, LeClaire’s biggest competition, Brian Elliot, just played a Sarah Palin being interviewed by Katie Couric of a game while sprightly chimneysweep Robin Lehner played a game of the Shaq in his prime breaking the backboard off on a dunk variety (I have to go to metaphor jail).

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Conrad to James, peter

Editorial:

Is it just me, or are all of these teams who watched the Philly / Chi-town Final and who promptly nudged their star goalies out to sea on an ice flo going to have a rude awakening? I remember how, when Carolina won the Cup after some key deadline acquisitions, the very next season GMs started throwing valuable resources overboard in an attempt to emulate the trend. (What did Waddel give up for Tchchuk..Tchkchk…Tchachuk…?) All of which seems to point to GMs without long-term plans.

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Conrad to James, peter
show details 9:48 AM (1 hour ago)

Last night the Alternate Universe Sens did dare to dream. They didn’t have Alfie, Spezza, Michalek, Fisher, Kovalev, Gonchar, Phillips, or Karlsson (or, obviously, Kuba. Or Leclaire, who barely counts, even in an existential sense). The Leafs were missing Kessel, Komisarek, I think Schenn, and a few others like Exelby and, I dunno, Colton Orr or Wayne Primeau or a mop with a bucket for a head or another of their marginal 4th liners.

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As we’ve all no doubt heard, Ottawa will host the 2012 All Star Game. This will of course be difficult to pull off given the horrible atrocity of our next devastating lockout is scheduled to occur that same year. This leaves the door open for a Civil War reenactment using monkeys, AKA something that might actually be broadcast by ESPN.

To celebrate this event, and in place of our usual witty repartee, we offer the following list of occurrences we hope to observe while watching the All Star Game on Rogers Cable Access 22 from a bar several hundred kilometers away (AKA downtown)

• Alex Ovechkin takes reporters on a tour of the haunting holocaust museums. Since we appreciate the attention, no one feels the need to correct him as he strolls through Merivale Mall
• Chris Pronger gets some body part stuck to something frozen
• Corey Clouston makes any Sens not selected as all stars stick around to help setup chairs
• Roberto Luongo gets mistaken for the DJ at Pigale’s
• The league institutes a new format: “Gatineau vs the World”
• World’s largest game of shinny on the canal is deemed to be no reward for being selected as an all-star
• Several players finish interviews by saying “Ottawa’s a great town I could totally see myself signing here…” and cannot stifle the laughter to finish the sentence.
• In a weird twist, Jacques Martin is selected to coach the east while Rick Bowness is selected to replace his boss Alain Vingnault (who cannot return to Eastern Ont/Western PQ for mob reasons), thereby making the coaches both former Ottawa coaches. It’s a great lesson where we forgive and forget.
• At the last minute, Melnyk’s team of scientists discover a way to make ice in Barbados and the whole game is moved to the parking lot adjacent Bert’s Bar.
• Dion Phaneuf enjoys what he believes to be Angus Sliders and turn out to be just some rocks he found on the ground
• Alex Kovalev absolutely takes over the game by dictating the pace of play, out-stickhandling the best of the best and banking the puck in off the Subaru he’ll win as the best player as voted by fans. He skates to a – 4 with zero shots on net in his next regulation game.
• The game is delayed for four hours because everyone  naturally assumed the arena would be downtown and booked their hotel appropriately.
• Gary Bettman fines players who don’t show up due to injuries, and when they ask how he’s empowered to do that Gary points to a section in the CBA written-in with crayon ten minutes earlier. The NHLPA releases a statement two seconds later saying they will not question the decision, and assume their default position with pants down and hands around ankles.
• Don Cherry is captured on Parliament Hill after calling a statue of the Queen of England ‘gay’. He’s returned to the nearest old folk’s home. It’s later revealed that Ron Maclean tipped them off to his whereabouts.
• Sidney Crosby’s canned speech causes Spartacat to request euthanization.
• Ottawa Senators fans begin to cry in unison when they realize that most of both All Star teams are ex-Senators who were allowed to walk as free agents for absolutely no compensation whatsoever.

James Romanuk to me, peter
show details Sep 9 (3 days ago)

Bonjour Bilbo Bagginses,

So here we are only eleventy things away from pre-training camp brunch planning and this weekend marks the beginning of the rookie agent/lawyer conference call and tweeting tournament. WOW! Double training camp all the way! WHAT DOES IT MEAAAAAAN!? (meme reference over?) I’ll tell you what it means. This means the pre-beginning of hockey something is starting in a little while from a little while from now!!!!!!
It’s time to start Richard Gereing up for the upcoming hockey fluurgaf;sdkfjsdf;eifaj;egn!!!!

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Conrad to James, Pete

As we all know, season predications are to credibility as Nintendo cartridges are to unmarked white vans – you should never take the bait. For example: did you know that Anton Volchenkov, a $4M guy, was such a gifted defensive defenceman and shot blocker that his loss will result in the Senators tumbling from 5^th in the conference last year to 10^th this year? Yup, he was that good, at least according to The Hockey News, whose $10 Hockey Year Book I once again purchased because I was in an airport. They follow a time-honored formula: First you look at where the team finished last year. Then you see who was added or removed. Then you add or subtract a few places in the standings. That’s why everyone picked Phoenix to be in the playoffs this year even though everyone picked them to finish dead last in the league last year. One playoff berth and first-round exit will do that. Boston was a contender last year, and this year they’re a bubble team. Forget Buffalo, pegged to be contender because Miller won the Vezina, despite the fact that he was lights out the year before too, and they missed the playoffs.

All of which is to say that the following is ridiculous, and I know it.

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From: James
To: Conrad, Peter
Received: Thursday, September 2, 2010, 10:13 AM

Morning Flounders,

I read about a delicious (read: probably not even remotely true) rumour this morning that
the Senators are making a serious play for BeebopoBlipple Bobby Ryan.
I havent given it too much thought and I have a meeting in a few minutes but

My Question is a two parter:

A) Would you go for this dude
B) If so what would you give up for him?

…now that i think on him i dont really know his contract status so youre going to have to pretend with me (get used to it)

Off the dome: I would probably give up Filip Kuba and ….i dont knowwwww…..1st rounder? …or maybe a bottom six forward.

God I am not good at this but I think the Ducks need a PMD pretty badly…wow i cant wait for getting clobbered at fantasy season

Armchair GM Voltron…Engage!

Conrad to James, peter
show details Aug 30 (1 day ago)

I’ll start by saying that we all hope the Sens’ team doctor Dr. Donald Chow will recover after his motorcycle crash this weekend. Believe it or not, I was just recently watching an old Youtube video of Chris Neil talking about Dr. Chow, and the players seem to have a lot of respect for him. (A true sign that we’re in August and need hockey back is that I’m watching Chris Neil clips on Youtube.) Anyway, the Sens’ conditioning has been praised, and a small market team without kajillions to throw around understandably puts a premium on keeping their players healthy. By all indications, Dr. Chow is great at his job. All of our thoughts with Don and his family.

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